Dreading Christmas

[rose_of_york]

I am absolutely dreading Christmas. Don't want to cook for just me and my mother, and don't want to to go to a hotel or pub with just me and her sitting silently amongst all the happy families and loving couples.

I feel like booking a holiday and just going away, but would feel too guilty about leaving her.

Last year she was very upset because she still got cards arriving for her dead husband. I suggested that this year I help her write to the people who don't know he is dead - and wanted his old address book to find out where they live.

She yelled at me and said I couldn't do it - wouldn't accept that I was trying to help her and stop her getting upset. Then started the usual lies about me taking money from her bank accounts etc etc until I just got upset and left her.

Later she phoned me (which she never does any more) and asked me what it was that I had taken from her house - which was nothing.

I am beginning to hate her and she is making me ill. All I do is try to help her and all she does is get nasty - then says that she knows she is her own worst enemy. I think the house insurance has expired, but as she hides all paperwork I don't know, so god knows what will happen if she sets the place on fire. I also think she is waiting for the interview under caution from the TV licence people as she ignores their letters.

 

[Grannie G]

I`m sorry Rose, you are torn.

If your mother does not accept your help perhaps it wouldn`t be such a bad idea to have a few days away over Christmas. It might just make her regard you more kindly when you return.

Is she likely to come to harm if left unattended for a few days? If she is, it puts a different perspective on it, but if not, it might be worth a try.

You know you are not legally bound to take care of your parent. It`s hard enough taking care of someone who loves and respects you, never mind someone who has always dominated and never appreciated.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

Rose, why don't you consider a singles Christmas break, in this country if you're worried about your mum?

Lots of companies do them, including Solo's, they're just three nights, and you'd be in good company. And you'd be able to get home easily if there was a problem.

Please don't feel guilty, it sounds as if you are doing as much for your mum as she'll let you -- and getting precious few thanks for it.

Love,

 

[pebble]

Dear Rose
I sympathise totally with your post. I too am feeling awful at the prospect of asking my long suffering partner to travel up to Mum's again for Christmas (likely to be just the 3 of us this year), into what can often be a hostile place (very similar accusations about stealing crockery, plants, money etc). 2006 was very difficult as my dad died that year and 2007 was very sad after we lost my sister too in the summer. This year my nephew has abandoned the situation too (after too many nasty outbursts from Mum trying to convince him that I had tricked her out of her money and so on...) Poor Mum spent hours arguing with us last year that 25 Dec was not Christmas day anyway so why were we there and when were we leaving! It is very difficult and I do question whether it makes sense to go up. My partner has elderly parents himself who would love to see us at Christmas. But it seems too hard to not go to Mum's. So sorry you have lost your Dad too - I have found it almost impossible to find peace to grieve with all Mum's difficulties. We too had trouble with Mum telling no one that my Dad had died and she refused to let any of my Dad's relatives come to his funeral or to put a notice in the newspaper - awful. The sensible me says about most things, if there is no benefit to Mum or it will just rile her then don't do it. I guess I just can't accept that family visiting at Christmas has the potential to fall into that category. Wishing you well whatever you decide.
Pebble

 

[Squibbs]

I dont know what the solution is - two years ago we had Xmas with just my father here (my mother died that year) and he just sobbed the whole day. Last year we took him to Vienna for Christmas - a nightmare! This year he will be coming to us as usual (I have 'done' Xmas for the past 35 years !) but I have invited lots of other people too (all family) and hope that it will kind of dilute the situation. Who knows how it will turn out but at least I'll have some support! If your mother doesn't know when it's Christmas why not visit her before or after 'the day' and go to your partners parents as they are keen to see you. Good luck with whatever you decide - nothing is going to be ideal but give yourself a break if you can. Sue

 

[DianeB]

I have to agree with Hazel on this one if you feel you could do it. You could always have a 2nd Christmas Day with Mum and if you would have had a break it should re chrage your batteries up to have the energy and patience for it.

Pebble if you were me I would go and spend Xmas day with your partners parents and do the same have a 2nd Xmas day with your Mum.

Squibbs I like your idea having more family round, I really hope this will be successful for you, which I think having others there will certainly make a refreshing change and one that could help to make your own xmas easier to deal with.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hazel and Diane have said exactly everything I would have said to Rose, Pebble & Squibbs.

Rose, please consider taking a break for yourself. There is no point in building up bad memories. A fresh start and a new experience might be just the thing.

Squibbs, I too started inviting others to help with the situation, but in my case it was to dilute my (technically sane but not really) aunt. I have some very good, close and understanding friends. It really helped a lot.

Pebble, I think this year might be the year to visit your partner's parents. Visit your mother Boxing Day and call it Christmas. Since she's uncertain about time, it won't make a difference to her. I know it's very hard but your partner's parents deserve Christmas with you also. Think of it as alternating with Christmas with your mother.

 

[Grommit]

It's an odd thing, is Christmas, to my wife.

3 years ago, we had a terrible time. Every card that came through the door was torn up and thrown in the garden. Every gift that was given was cried over. She had no understanding of what it was all about and was confused to the point of heartbroken weeping.

2 years ago, the cards were opened and viewed before they were ripped up and thrown away. Gifts were just put on one side, unopened. Although there was no happiness on the day, she really enjoyed the childrens Carol concert in the local church the night before.

Christmas 2007 was deliberately made a low key affair. Cards were opened and the ones with the Robin in the snow were kept very close to her and she gazed at them in wonder, each time as if it were the first time. Carol concert again, I think, brought back childhood memories for her, although hers words have gone, the music is still there.

It is very difficult to share Cristmas under the circumstances where there is no feedback and very little reaction.

However I, like many other people, will get my Christmas face out of the attic later this year, and try again.

I do hope everything goes well for you rose of york

 

[rose_of_york]

Thank you Grommitt and everybody for your kind words.

There's no answer for me - if I go away then my mother will be on her own on Xmas day. Not too terrible, but she might think so and I would feel guilty.

My partner is dead, I have no children and am an only child. Little prospect of ever finding a new partner with everything I have to deal with.

So it's just me and my mother, and to her I am the "bad guy" who thinks she is losing her marbles when everybody else knows that she is perfectly OK!