Help! How to get my mum some respite care?

[qprkaren]

My mum has been caring for my dad for the past 3-4 years. He has been deteriorating rapidly of late but still knows who we are and where he is. He has absolutely no awareness of his condition - he watched a programme with my mum the other day about dementia and said afterwards "If I ever got that diagnosis I would shoot myself". He is really miserable most of the time - accusing her of keeping things from him when the reality is he just can't remember what she's told him. But at the same time, he's totally reliant on my mum. She's his comfort blanket, he gets extremely agitated when she's not there, even if he's left another member of the family. If she doesn't get some sort of break soon, I think she'll crack up but it's extremely difficult to arrange a break for her that we can explain to him. How do you explain to him why my mum's not there that isn't 'because she needs a break from you'. Anyone been in the same position and have any advice??

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @qprkaren, you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

I know that other members have faced situations similar to your mother's so hope that others will be along tomorrow to share their experiences with you.

I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. Respite care is also covered by it's own Factsheet.

When it comes to communication, your mother may find the tips in the thread that can be reached by clicking the following link to be useful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[la lucia]

My mum has been caring for my dad for the past 3-4 years. He has been deteriorating rapidly of late but still knows who we are and where he is. He has absolutely no awareness of his condition - he watched a programme with my mum the other day about dementia and said afterwards "If I ever got that diagnosis I would shoot myself". He is really miserable most of the time - accusing her of keeping things from him when the reality is he just can't remember what she's told him. But at the same time, he's totally reliant on my mum. She's his comfort blanket, he gets extremely agitated when she's not there, even if he's left another member of the family. If she doesn't get some sort of break soon, I think she'll crack up but it's extremely difficult to arrange a break for her that we can explain to him. How do you explain to him why my mum's not there that isn't 'because she needs a break from you'. Anyone been in the same position and have any advice??

Hello, you don't have to explain anything in detail. Just being vague and distracting is often helpful.

Could you find out if there's any day care facilities in your area? They're really helpful and would give your mum regular days off. My mum used to go but in the beginning I had to call it her 'arts & crafts' group and I had to arrange for her to be collected because she would have made lots of excuses not to go. She really enjoyed it and it stopped her getting bored.

For longer time off perhaps for a holiday then it's necessary to call a care home to arrange a place unless you are being funded by your local authority in which case they should help find something.

Whatever you do I wouldn't tell your dad in advance because it's not necessary and may cause him stress and making up a comfortable story is fine if it helps keep him calm.