We've all had to deal with the changes in behaviour of both friends and family because of Alzheimer's/Dementia. On several occasions those who used to be my husband's good mates ask me how he is and to pass on their best wishes and to make sure to tell him they are asking after him. This happened yet again last week and I had enough and turned round saying: "isn't it strange how people ask me to tell him they are thinking of him and wishing him the best, yet they never tell him directly", my meaning being they do not phone, they do not come round, in fact they avoid him on the street if they can. A week later this particular individual has asked us to dinner. My immediate thought was - no. However, the reason is mainly to protect my husband, he feels awkward and anxious in other surroundings, his eating habits are not palatable, his conversation is no longer coherent, he would feel very conscious etc. I put up with it, I understand where it comes from. The friend would not. How do I politely decline because I wish to protect my husband - the little dignity he still has. Yet do not want further upset those who may on the odd occasion still acknowledge his existence. We live in a small town and this particular person would view our decline as an insult and would 'gossip'. Gossip does not bother me. But my husband would not understand any gossip about him that would no doubt reach him when going on his little walks. Should I just say no thank you and leave it at that, and not elaborate?
How to decline politely
- Thread starter DennyD
- Start date
i think this individual has taken on board your words and has responded with kindness which is more than you can say for a lot of people.
I think Beate's advice is excellent but perhaps why not suggest coffee instead of a meal. That takes the pressure off everyone and you could see how it goes.
I think Beate's advice is excellent but perhaps why not suggest coffee instead of a meal. That takes the pressure off everyone and you could see how it goes.
Yes it seems a shame to completely reject this offer of friendship. Coffee and cake sounds a much better idea . It might not work out but it might be an opening to a continuing friendship. I would at least think about giving it a chance. There is nothing to lose really.
Yes, I too think it would be a shame to reject the offer completely. And I'd go further. Just explain the issues, and your husband's natural sensitivity. If they are friends (and they have made the gesture of inviting you both), then they won't regard it as a subject for gossip, and if you say that he wouldn't be able to cope with going for dinner, but that going for coffee and cake would be wonderful, a lovely break for him, and would make him feel that he hasn't been forgotten, then they can only feel as if you are taking them on board, as allies.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts and wise suggestions. I indeed would not want to damage any contact with others that still remains. An explanation on my part would also serve as giving an insight into the condition, so yes I will decline offer of dinner and suggest we meet for coffee instead. As mentioned nothing to loose really. Best wishes to all.
HI DennyD,
I was in a similar position a couple of years ago. Up until Alz. OH had a large friendship circle centred on sport but when he became unable to play most contact disappeared. Like you we had the enquiries which I was reluctant to answer too fully as I did not want his condition to be discussed around the town. We did go to a couple of social events with many of his friends but I had to keep aware as he would return from the toilet and sit in someone else's place and drink anything he found in front of him.
Eventually I just let it be known that the best way of helping both of us was to visit without invitation at any time after 10am. I didn't sit waiting for visitors but kept the house tidy and a packet of biscuits in the cupboard. It worked for a while. Just an hour of someone's time can raise the spirits and keep you in the loop. I always made an effort not to moan and thank them for coming.
Just recently I have had to turn down an invitation to stay with very dear friends in their lovely house. We did go last year but the pressure on me was just too great. It was very difficult declining this offer as every reason I gave was countered. I do fear I have lost them forever.
Hope you can change the dinner to something less formal.
I was in a similar position a couple of years ago. Up until Alz. OH had a large friendship circle centred on sport but when he became unable to play most contact disappeared. Like you we had the enquiries which I was reluctant to answer too fully as I did not want his condition to be discussed around the town. We did go to a couple of social events with many of his friends but I had to keep aware as he would return from the toilet and sit in someone else's place and drink anything he found in front of him.
Eventually I just let it be known that the best way of helping both of us was to visit without invitation at any time after 10am. I didn't sit waiting for visitors but kept the house tidy and a packet of biscuits in the cupboard. It worked for a while. Just an hour of someone's time can raise the spirits and keep you in the loop. I always made an effort not to moan and thank them for coming.
Just recently I have had to turn down an invitation to stay with very dear friends in their lovely house. We did go last year but the pressure on me was just too great. It was very difficult declining this offer as every reason I gave was countered. I do fear I have lost them forever.
Hope you can change the dinner to something less formal.
A couple of people ask after my mum in our road where we have both always lived,but they are people that have always been nosie and ask every month or so when I see them when nothing has changed from the last time they asked,I would rather not have to explain our lives to them to be honest,both of these people lost partners to long illness and in a very private fashion,where nothing was ever disclosed to other neighbours so I think it's ironic that I'm probed about my mother at every given opportunity,some times on leaving my home to pop to the shops I just like to be me for half an hour and they never ask how I am.
Hi rhubarbtree, thanks for sharing your experiences, the constant keeping watch resonates and is exhausting, resulting that my stress reflects back on him - the eternal circle of guilt. Well, I did decline politely, giving a little insight as to why and offered to meet for coffee instead. Result? Well I am now a selfish, evil witch who keeps her husband from seeing his mates. I think we'll be having a coffee at one of our favourite places without 'mates'.
Great advise form the good people here.
With our own situation, I find it very sad the my wife's friends and ex-colleagues have all but disappeared into the woodwork. I have never hidden the fact that she has dementia and initially, a few did pop round for a tea and chat but that quickly stopped.
I can appreciate that for them, it must be hard seeing the obvious decline and as she started loosing the ability to communicate coherently (which was quite early on), any conversation is almost non existent. However, she is always jolly, laughs and giggles (not always at appropriate moments
) so it's a shame they have missed out.
Our new-found friends at our local pub (newly established when I first realised what lay ahead) are the complete opposite. They are very understanding and make such a fuss of my wife, which I find both humbling and heartening. How much longer I will be able to get her out at weekends I don't know, as her mobility is affected more and more (at only 68). We will do our damnedest to keep going though.
With our own situation, I find it very sad the my wife's friends and ex-colleagues have all but disappeared into the woodwork. I have never hidden the fact that she has dementia and initially, a few did pop round for a tea and chat but that quickly stopped.
I can appreciate that for them, it must be hard seeing the obvious decline and as she started loosing the ability to communicate coherently (which was quite early on), any conversation is almost non existent. However, she is always jolly, laughs and giggles (not always at appropriate moments
) so it's a shame they have missed out.Our new-found friends at our local pub (newly established when I first realised what lay ahead) are the complete opposite. They are very understanding and make such a fuss of my wife, which I find both humbling and heartening. How much longer I will be able to get her out at weekends I don't know, as her mobility is affected more and more (at only 68). We will do our damnedest to keep going though.
My husband and I are going out tonight to a local restaurant, to meet his brother and his wife. We are not getting picked up for another 1 1/2 hours, but already he is washed and dressed, trembling and anxious. We haven’t been out since February, but luckily to the same place, so at least he knows where we are going. But I get just as stressed as he does, and the constant questions is wearing. So we just don’t go out at night.
My dad has a friend from his childhood who pops in probably once a week to see dad. They chat about dodging bombs in the war to get to school and they chat about the ships they sailed on. It's amazing to listen to and sometimes dad's friend will mow the lawn for dad.
I am really grateful to this wonderful friend of dad's especially as his own wife was I'll recently.
They have probably been friends for 80 years and grew up in the same street.
I am really grateful to this wonderful friend of dad's especially as his own wife was I'll recently.
They have probably been friends for 80 years and grew up in the same street.
How lovely that your dad's friend is so loyal, @Duggies-girl
My mother had a big circle of friends and they all gradually dropped out of seeing her as her dementia progressed. There was only one who remained loyal and saw her regularly - she was caring for her own husband who had dementia so understood the issues, and was also a generally lovely person. My mother is now in a care home but I keep in touch with that friend to let her know how she's getting on.
My mother had a big circle of friends and they all gradually dropped out of seeing her as her dementia progressed. There was only one who remained loyal and saw her regularly - she was caring for her own husband who had dementia so understood the issues, and was also a generally lovely person. My mother is now in a care home but I keep in touch with that friend to let her know how she's getting on.
