Clarity after more care home visits

[northumbrian_k]

Today we visited another 2 care homes in the local area.

If I had read the details properly I would have avoided the first one as it was described as being part of the 'Platinum' range offered by the care home provider. It is indeed luxurious, although with a bit more life than the first 'luxury' home visited a few days ago. Built and opened just 3 years ago it is stuffed full of high quality and dementia-friendly features. The lady who showed us around was welcoming and knowledgeable, pointing out the 2 classes of room available, the 'sensory' garden and the undoubtedly great view of Newcastle racecourse. I felt that her first question about challenging behaviour said something about the ethos of the home. It seemed concerned about exuding luxury to 'discerning' relatives, and the no doubt good standard of care comes with a hefty price tag and considerable top-up.

Quite a contrast to the next home, a small 20-bedded unit in a village setting. The manager was on leave today but, after a welcoming cup of coffee, the member of care staff who showed us around exhibited her pride in the home and the personalised care that it provides. She was unfazed by my description of my wife's behaviours. Her enthusiasm was engaging as we toured the pleasant bedrooms, dining areas and common spaces of this most domestic-looking home. It isn't brand new or in tip-top condition but it has a feel of 'home' that I feel could suit my wife very well. Rooms are available at a price that would be affordable for some time, with no top-up once LA funding kicks in. I like it best of the 6 homes visited thus far and am now seriously thinking about the next steps towards what would be a momentous change to our lives. Perhaps a trial short stay would help to give me some clarity and direction.

 

[Cat27]

I’m glad you’ve found somewhere you like @northumbrian_k. A trial stay sounds like a good idea.

 

[Sirena]

The second home sounds a great option. As you say it's a big change but a couple of week's respite could ease you both into it.

 

[canary]

I like the sound of the second home too. "Homely" rather than "Luxury" is the way to go and it sounds like they would be able to cope with your wife better too.
Put her name on the waiting list (which wont commit you to anything) and see if you can book a couple of weeks respite.

 

[Lady M]

I have been following this thread with interest!!!
Thanks for all your information!
I am in the first stages of thinking ahead to the CH probability!
Thanks for sharing your experience!

 

[AliceA]

I am glad you took to the second place. It is such a hard decision but it sounds a good choice. Warmest thoughts to you both.

 

[northumbrian_k]

The plan for a trial stay for my wife was put on hold because respite and other arrangements were already in place for my Easter trip to Majorca. Now that I am back and nothing has changed I feel that this necessary next step needs to be taken.

The room at my favoured care home is still available, having been used for respite stays in the meantime. I can’t prevaricate any longer so have booked a trial stay for my wife, starting in mid May. If that goes well then I’ll face the decision of whether to make it a permanent arrangement. This would be a big step for me to take but I am more than ever convinced that I cannot look after my wife properly or give her sufficient mental stimulation. I do feel that she will fare better in a 24 hour caring environment where there is more going on. Not what I want, but I think it is what we now both need.

 

[Grannie G]

I think you are quite right @northumbrian_k

I do think the time comes for most of us when we feel unable to meet the needs of the person with dementia.

I have absolute admiration for those who can go the whole way. Try as I did and as much as I wanted to, I still hade to accept what was inevitable for me.

As it happened it turned out to be the best decision I could have made and I wish the same for you.

 

[canary]

Its a difficult decision @northumbrian_k but I feel sure from what you have said that it is entirely the right one.

((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

[northumbrian_k]

Thanks for your support @Grannie G and @canary. I have been wondering all week if it really is time to find a better way of caring for my wife by moving her into residential care. At times this seems too harsh and too early, as she is often quite docile and easy to manage. But at other times I realise just how many changes I have had to make - and how many activities we have given up - just to have the barest semblance of ‘normality’. There is no room for spontaneity or doing things without planning any more. Nothing worthwhile can be shared. The simplest things I say or do are likely to be misinterpreted and to lead to friction. Although I am here all of the time she seems to think that I am out and is always asking me what time I will be back. We are living together but are separated by two versions of ‘reality’. Whilst I was in Majorca it was easy to put all this to one side. Now I’ve been back for just a few days it has come back into focus and I can feel my stress levels rising. There must be a better way for both our sakes.

 

[maryjoan]

Thanks for your support @Grannie G and @canary. I have been wondering all week if it really is time to find a better way of caring for my wife by moving her into residential care. At times this seems too harsh and too early, as she is often quite docile and easy to manage. But at other times I realise just how many changes I have had to make - and how many activities we have given up - just to have the barest semblance of ‘normality’. There is no room for spontaneity or doing things without planning any more. Nothing worthwhile can be shared. The simplest things I say or do are likely to be misinterpreted and to lead to friction. Although I am here all of the time she seems to think that I am out and is always asking me what time I will be back. We are living together but are separated by two versions of ‘reality’. Whilst I was in Majorca it was easy to put all this to one side. Now I’ve been back for just a few days it has come back into focus and I can feel my stress levels rising. There must be a better way for both our sakes.

Living together with two versions of reality - what a wonderful descriptive phrase that is - you are absolutely bang on there @northumbrian_k
You are doing the right thing - go for it whilst you can - and learn to live your life differently, more happily and have those bike rides! You will still love her and see her, but your life will be a positive thing.
Good Luck and let us know how it goes........

 

[Rosebush]

Thanks for your support @Grannie G and @canary. I have been wondering all week if it really is time to find a better way of caring for my wife by moving her into residential care. At times this seems too harsh and too early, as she is often quite docile and easy to manage. But at other times I realise just how many changes I have had to make - and how many activities we have given up - just to have the barest semblance of ‘normality’. There is no room for spontaneity or doing things without planning any more. Nothing worthwhile can be shared. The simplest things I say or do are likely to be misinterpreted and to lead to friction. Although I am here all of the time she seems to think that I am out and is always asking me what time I will be back. We are living together but are separated by two versions of ‘reality’. Whilst I was in Majorca it was easy to put all this to one side. Now I’ve been back for just a few days it has come back into focus and I can feel my stress levels rising. There must be a better way for both our sakes.

Hi, my husband has been in his care home now since February, although he has not not been home since November, he was in hospital and then a care home for 6 weeks being assessed, before he moved to the home he is in now. I don't think I will ever get used to it, but I know it was the right thing to do as he has got so much worse, I know I would not be able to cope. Do what's best for you and good luck. Lx

 

[Grahamstown]

Thanks for your support @Grannie G and @canary. I have been wondering all week if it really is time to find a better way of caring for my wife by moving her into residential care. At times this seems too harsh and too early, as she is often quite docile and easy to manage. But at other times I realise just how many changes I have had to make - and how many activities we have given up - just to have the barest semblance of ‘normality’. There is no room for spontaneity or doing things without planning any more. Nothing worthwhile can be shared. The simplest things I say or do are likely to be misinterpreted and to lead to friction. Although I am here all of the time she seems to think that I am out and is always asking me what time I will be back. We are living together but are separated by two versions of ‘reality’. Whilst I was in Majorca it was easy to put all this to one side. Now I’ve been back for just a few days it has come back into focus and I can feel my stress levels rising. There must be a better way for both our sakes.

This describes my situation very well, my husband is docile but just no memory at all, and I find your post very helpful as I ponder the way forward.