'I don't think I know you ......'

[Toony Oony]

Apologies in advance for offloading .....

Mum was asleep when I arrived at the CH today. It was after 11 am - nothing unusual in that - she's sleeping more and much heavier these days. She was absolutely out for the count and despite the best efforts of the Carers and I, she would not wake up. I busied myself tidying up her room a bit, talking to her all the while. I finally sat and stroked her hand, gave her a kiss and she began to stir. It takes a long while for Mum to come to, and I don't rush her. Normally she is overjoyed to see me and her face breaks into a huge smile. Today though, Mum looked concerned. I asked her if she wanted a cuppa, and then she said 'I don't think I know you .... who are you?' I took a deep breath and told her. She still could not register so I told her it didn't matter but I had come, like I always do, especially to see her. She asked to see her pictures, and we skimmed through the photo book I had made her. She knew her Mum, confused her Dad and her husband, and could not work out who I, my husband or my daughter (who visits her every week) were. She really enjoyed the time I spent with her and so did I, but it was obvious she enjoyed the experience, not the connection.
I surprised myself at coping so calmly - stupidly I thought that would be something Mum and I would always have, I visit her very frequently and up until now I've been the only one that she knows instantly without prompting.
Despite dealing with it calmly and being rational that this setback was quite likely to happen, I cannot get it out of my head. It keeps replaying, over and over. Hence the offload.

So sad and another step on the very slippery path.

 

[canary]

She might know you next time @Toony Oony . Mum didnt recognise me a couple of times, but mostly she knew me right up until the end.
Do you think it had anything to do with her being asleep when you arrived? Mum was often more confused when she first woke up

 

[karaokePete]

Twice last summer my wife woke me, as I slept beside her, to ask me who I was. I don't know what sort of night she was having to wake up in bed beside a stranger. I had to sit up, introduce myself with a handshake and explain who I was before she would settle.

At the time I thought that it was movement to another stage of the disease but it hasn't happened like that since. She has mistaken me for her father a couple of times but, again, that isn't a regular thing.

I hope it doesn't rattle you too much and please do offload on the forum if that helps as people will understand.

 

[nae sporran]

I had that experience with my granny a few times towards the end, sorry for your distress Toony Oony.

 

[Toony Oony]

My OH is not the most empathetic - I told him when I got back from visiting Mum and although he realised I was a bit hurt, his reply was, 'well that will make things easier for you'. I sort of know what he meant, but it didn't help much and it has been eating away at the back of my mind.
You on the other hand have helped and thank you for replying -
@canary - I wondered about her being asleep so heavily and being a bit disorientated, although sleeping so heavily is quite usual for Mum now. Nice to hear that your Mum forgot but then remembered you again. Thank you. Fingers X'd
@karaokePete - your post made me laugh out loud regarding the handshake - thank you.
@naesporran - and thank you too for your kindness.

X

 

[love.dad.but..]

Your OH probably meant well but when you hear that for the first time it is upsetting as it is also a reminder of the person declining. There were many firsts with dad that I either had to gulp and turn my face away as I could feel my eyes welling up or have a good blub on the drive home. However although dad didn't know me as his daughter I got glimpses that he knew I was someone important in his life...probably thought I was a carer in the NH...and I realised that was ok as the decline in recognition of who I was I could not battle against.

 

[Witzend]

It gives you such a jolt when it happens for the first time., with my mother it was quite sudden - one week her eyes would light up when she saw me coming - the next they were just blank. I think that somewhere she was very vaguely aware that she knew me from somewhere, but I was just a 'nice lady' who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate.

On the bright side, she was no,longer confusing me with her (dead) sister - the one she'd never got on with!

Recognition never did return, though strangely, she really did seem to recognise - and react warmly to - my sister, who lives in the US and could only visit once a year, if that. I was so glad, since I'd warned my sister to expect no recognition at all, and very likely a grumpy sort of reception.

 

[marionq]

Recognition comes and goes. One night my husband refused to get into bed because "it wouldn't be proper to sleep beside his sister"! I usually sleep in a separate room nowadays but if I think he isn't well I might stay in his room to listen out for him. This weekend will be interesting as we have family taking up all the spare beds. I may end up on the floor!

It hurts at first not to be recognised then it just slides off like so many other oddities of behaviour.

 

[Sirena]

As others have said, your mum may know you next time you visit. My mother's recognition of me seems to come and go. She almost always 'knows she knows me' but sometimes she seems to know who I am, other times I suspect she has no idea. If I visit on my own, without OH, she says "where's the other one" - I suppose she gets full marks for remembering there is 'another one'!

 

[jugglingmum]

My mum didn't recognise my daughter on one visit to my house a couple of years ago, and has recognised her ever since, so these things can come and go.

 

[Andrew_McP]

The first time this happened to me, several years ago, Mum threatened me with violence and kicked me out of the house. I hadn't a clue what to do! I guess I was too shocked to be sad, and I'd read enough about what was happening to her to not be surprised.

Later I was very sad indeed. But you get used to it (assuming this is the start of something rather than an unfortunate isolated episode). Just try to put yourself in their shoes, smile reassuringly, and don't waste your time explaining. I just say, "My name's Andrew and I'm here to help. Is there anything you need, Margaret?"

Using Mum's name lets her know that I must be someone she's met before, and although often there's nothing I can do but leave her alone and try again a while later, sometimes it's like she slowly refocuses and recognises me again. I don't care whether she thinks I'm her son, her father, or even her husband, as long as she's comfortable with me being there.

I often have to be careful about calling her 'Mum' though. To her, there's sometimes only one Mum, *her* mother, who died before I was born. So it's more helpful to use her first name whenever things get muddled or tense.

The good thing about these dismal firsts though is that you never have to go through them again. Next time you'll be more prepared, and before you know it you'll be a reluctant expert at being whoever your mother needs you to be. It's the last gift we give them... the gift of withdrawing gracefully as they slowly leave us.

Well, most of the time. If I've been up and down like a yo-yo half the night there's sometimes nothing graceful about me! But I aspire towards grace under pressure... even if that means yelling my frustrations into a pillow.

I used to go climb the nearest hill and shout my troubles at the heather and the sheep. But that's not practical these days. I'll get my chance again one day though. The hills aren't going anywhere in a hurry. I often stand at the end of the road and wonder at all the human trials and tribulations they've watched over; wonder how many others have stood like me and taken comfort from their reassuring solidity?

Often though I just look up and think... "B*gger, it's going to rain in a minute or two! Better get the washing in!"

Here's to the reassuring solidity of support available here. Just don't shout too loudly at the sheep. Some of us scare easily. ;-)

 

[love.dad.but..]

As others have said, your mum may know you next time you visit. My mother's recognition of me seems to come and go. She almost always 'knows she knows me' but sometimes she seems to know who I am, other times I suspect she has no idea. If I visit on my own, without OH, she says "where's the other one" - I suppose she gets full marks for remembering there is 'another one'!

You have reminded me of the many times before dad went to his NH when I was looking after him...he would go out of the room come back in..nothing had changed...but he would say to me 'where has she gone?' I knew he meant me but he couldn't recognise that I was and still there in the same chair was that person. Sometimes he would ask the same question to me but meaning himself. Twilight confusing world for them.

 

[Sirena]

You have reminded me of the many times before dad went to his NH when I was looking after him...he would go out of the room come back in..nothing had changed...but he would say to me 'where has she gone?' I knew he meant me but he couldn't recognise that I was and still there in the same chair was that person. Sometimes he would ask the same question to me but meaning himself. Twilight confusing world for them.

It's one of the saddest things, their inability to recognise us. Not just sad for us - for them too. As you say, twilight world. I like the way Andrew has put it - that we have to withdraw gracefully.

 

[Toony Oony]

Hi everyone, @love.dad.but.. @Witzend @marionq @Sirena @jugglingmum @Andrew_McP thank you for all the replies.

The recognition thing that some of you mentioned, reminded me that when this occurred Mum kept talking about 'the other one of you'?
Well I will be visiting Mum as normal tomorrow and buoyed up by your support and kindness, I am prepared for whatever and whoever she thinks I am.
@Andrew_McP - thanks for the pointer re calling her 'Mum'. Up until now I have always called her 'Mum'. However for ages, long before Mum moved into her CH she unfailingly called me by name but could not remember that my relationship to her was as daughter, she always said that I was her Mum. I will be mindful far more mindful of what I call her on future visits, Your phrase about 'withdrawing gracefully' is perfect.
Not many sheep in SW London to shout at though - I'll have to make do yelling at the urban foxes and squirrels in our garden, or my usual banging the steering wheel and letting out a scream once I am in my car outside the CH!

I'll see what tomorrow brings ....
X

 

[canary]

The recognition thing that some of you mentioned, reminded me that when this occurred Mum kept talking about 'the other one of you'?

Thats cap gras syndrome - a feeling that there are multiples of a place or person. Often its caused because the person or place, which can be described accurately, somehow losses its feeling of familiarity, so the PWD feels there must be another one somewhere. For example, when mum first went into her care home I made the mistake of taking her back to choose some things. Mum became sure that her home was not hers. I asked her to describe her home and she described the place that she was standing in, but even though I pointed this out to her she was adamant that it wasnt her home - her home was somewhere else; there was another one.

Much later on, of course, when asked to describe her home she described her childhood home, but that was not the same thing.

 

[Toony Oony]

That's fascinating @canary .

Mum showed surprise when I arrived this morning and initially called me 'darling', but thereafter I got the impression from what she said that she didn't know who I was, but she knew I was nice. She called me 'that lady'.
Seems she has stepped back an era. She recognises her Mum, Dad and Nan - but has no recognition of her husband, myself or my husband and daughter.

She seems reasonably happy though and that's all that matters.

X

 

[Sirena]

For a couple of years my mother has called everyone darling - me, my OH, the carers, her friends, her cousin. Her friends/cousin think it means she knows who they are... I think the opposite! But as you say, there is comfort in knowing that your mum knows you are familiar and nice, and she likes you being there.

 

[Sarasa]

Mum knows me but is much more vague about my brother. She talks about the 'other one' of him and last time she saw him asked him if she was eighteen when she met him. He does look a lot like my dad so maybe that is why she is getting confused. She also often thinks my son is my brother, maybe as her clearest memories of my brother are when he was about my son's age. The two don't look anything alike but then mums eyesight is appalling. Certainly she is very vague about anyone (such as her daughter in law) that she's met in the last twenty years.
At least your mum thinks your nice.

 

[Toony Oony]

@Sirena - the 'darling' made me think of a very good friend of ours. He is very gallant, utterly charming and is sharp as a tack - however he is useless at remembering names. He always greets you with 'Hello darling' which does the trick until the name slips into the conversation and he can pick it up. Can't really do that for men so it's 'Hello Mate'.