My mum has Dementia- how do I get her to stay in care home

[Tosheen]

Hi
My mum moves into a care home on Friday, at the moment she lives in Sheltered Housing.

All funding is in place and move all set

Took mum today to see it and although we had discussed beforehand that she was moving she went mad when we said this was going to be her new home. Demanded to go home, I asked if she would look around with me but wasn’t interested just wanted out, it was awful.

What am I going to do on Friday when I take her, what if she gets upset even violent? I know she’ll love it in time and although she says she loves where she lives she’s not safe.

I just called her and she’s forgotten even seeing me today so good that it not still stressing her, but what do I do on Friday when I leave her there..so upsetting and stressful. How do you deal with a situation like this?

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Tosheen, you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

That poor memory you mention is often used as a ploy. Many people just pack a case in secret and don't discuss the matter. They take the person to their new home and quietly leave when the person is distracted, leaving the care home staff to handle a matter in which they are experienced. Many Homes will advise relatives not to visit for a while to let the person settle. I'm sure you will get advice from members and you may even think it an idea to speak to the staff to see what they suggest.

Beyond that, I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list. If you are interested in this, clicking the following link will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with all aspects of dementia and dementia care.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Tosheen. Welcome to Talking Point.

If your mum is anything like my dad was she’ll be convinced that there’s nothing wrong with her and telling her that she’s moving into a new home will only distress her and make her angry so getting her to stay there is going to take a bit of lateral thinking on your part.

As you know the truth will upset her now is the time to use what we on TP call “love lies”. Think of something that your mum will accept and tell her that. Maybe her home needs a new boiler or the decorators are there so you’ve just booked her into a nice hotel until the job is done....whatever you think she will accept. Dont discuss it beforehand, your mum will forget anyway, just present it as a done deal on the day.

Whatever you decide call the carehome staff and get them on board - they may even have some good suggestions of their own. They will be well used to reluctant guests and I’m sure a chat with one of the managers will help to put your mind at rest.

Remember that you are doing what is best for your mum and, as you’ve already said, she will be safe and happy in the long run.

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @Tosheen and welcome to the forum
Ask the home if you can take her at lunch time, the distraction might help, and as @karaokePete also suggested I wouldn’t mention it again.
Wishing you well for Friday

 

[canary]

I agree - dont mention it again and pack a case containing the basics in secret so she doesnt know - you can always come back for the rest later. The more time she has to dwell on it, the more she will be upset, so present it to her as a done deal.

Dont tell her that she will be living there permanently, she wont understand why and will just be angry and/or upset. When people with dementia get to the stage where they are unable to understand reality, you have to come up with some other reason why they need to be there that they can understand. I told mum that she was convalescing and when she asked when she could go home again I said that she could go home when the doctor said so, which was not a complete lie as if the doctor had said she was well enough (and I knew that it would never happen) then she could have gone home.

MY OH has been in respite recently and he was convinced that he was there as a holiday in a hotel.

Try to think of a "reason" that your mum will accept and dont make it too complex.

When you go try and be very upbeat and enthusiastic about everything and try not to let it show if you are upset. If you cant hold back the tears dont cry in front of her but disappear off to the loo. Dont do long goodbyes either, in fact I wouldnt say goodbye at all. I never said goodbye to mum, but would tell her I needed the loo, or that I needed to talk to someone and that I would be back soon (also not a complete lie), then disappear. Timing it so that she has something to distract her at this point is a good idea - I used to time it so that I left when mums dinner arrived, but you could arrange with one of the carers for them to take your mum off to show her "something important" and leave at that point. I would also leave it several days before any visits to allow her to settle in.

All of this sounds heartless, but it is not - quite the opposite in fact. It is done to minimise distress.

PS - dont forget to label absolutely everything of hers that you take in and dont take in anything valuable or irreplaceable - that includes photos too. Instead, scan the photos and take the copies in robust, glass-free frames. Residents of dementia homes tend to have a very fluid understanding of ownership.

 

[Sirena]

I agree with all the others. Don't mention it again, and when you arrive on Friday tell her you're taking her for lunch, or whatever other reason she'd accept cheerfully. You don't want to give her any reason to get upset in advance. When she realises she's not going back to the sheltered housing that day, just tell her she's having a short break for a few days. That's what I told my mother, I would never have told her she would never see her home (and her cat) again, she would have been very distressed. After a few weeks at the care home she told me she loved it - she seemed to forget her previous life very quickly.

 

[Tosheen]

I agree - dont mention it again and pack a case containing the basics in secret so she doesnt know - you can always come back for the rest later. The more time she has to dwell on it, the more she will be upset, so present it to her as a done deal.

Dont tell her that she will be living there permanently, she wont understand why and will just be angry and/or upset. When people with dementia get to the stage where they are unable to understand reality, you have to come up with some other reason why they need to be there that they can understand. I told mum that she was convalescing and when she asked when she could go home again I said that she could go home when the doctor said so, which was not a complete lie as if the doctor had said she was well enough (and I knew that it would never happen) then she could have gone home.

MY OH has been in respite recently and he was convinced that he was there as a holiday in a hotel.

Try to think of a "reason" that your mum will accept and dont make it too complex.

When you go try and be very upbeat and enthusiastic about everything and try not to let it show if you are upset. If you cant hold back the tears dont cry in front of her but disappear off to the loo. Dont do long goodbyes either, in fact I wouldnt say goodbye at all. I never said goodbye to mum, but would tell her I needed the loo, or that I needed to talk to someone and that I would be back soon (also not a complete lie), then disappear. Timing it so that she has something to distract her at this point is a good idea - I used to time it so that I left when mums dinner arrived, but you could arrange with one of the carers for them to take your mum off to show her "something important" and leave at that point. I would also leave it several days before any visits to allow her to settle in.

All of this sounds heartless, but it is not - quite the opposite in fact. It is done to minimise distress.

PS - dont forget to label absolutely everything of hers that you take in and dont take in anything valuable or irreplaceable - that includes photos too. Instead, scan the photos and take the copies in robust, glass-free frames. Residents of dementia homes tend to have a very fluid understanding of ownership.

Thanks for the advice, so appreciated. I’ll try and do as you’ve suggested.

A big thanks to everyone else that gave me similar advice it’s been so helpful

 

[Jintyf]

Good luck Tosheen. My mother moved on 20th March to her nursing home but it was slightly easier on the day as she moved straight from hospital after 2.5 months on an assessment ward.

On the day I was invited to stay for tea with Mum...she was disoriented and got a bit panicked when I was leaving. Staff told me just to go and they called me a while later to let me know she was ok and had been singing with them. They suggested leaving it a few days before I visited and that helped.

Her nursing home is lovley but she still insists on going home when I visit...wants me to get her coat. The advice on here for how to deal with this is fabulous. It has really helped me a lot.

Most of all, please know that you are doing the right thing for your lovely Mum and that this is the next stage of the journey when it becomes impossible to live at home.

In a lot of ways the stress of having to do all the washing, shopping, cleaning up of mess, having phone calls in middle of night, regular trips to A&E have stopped...I can just visit Mum now and although she is taking a while to settle it's still much better than before.

Thinking of you and sending a hug.

 

[elvismad]

I totally expected mum to flip when we took her to her care home in January. We explained the journey as a holiday by the seaside (Poole)- also helped explain away the packed suitcases - not sure how mum didn't notice the armchair and other large items in the brothers car. Mum did get a bit anxious on the journey so I was expecting the worst.
When we arrived the staff came out to welcome mum like an old friend and showed mum her room. We unpacked with mum sitting comfortably in her own armchair. I was stunned that mum showed no distress or anxiety.
Just goes to show that you never know.