My sister is actively thwarting me

[Justsofedup]

Hi
Posted here last year about my mother who,to be honest should be in a care home. I felt that with POA ,which I have jointly and severally, with my sister I was going to organise it. My mum is self funding and is at the stage where she can do nothing for herself. She has 4 carers visits a day but rings up at all hours saying she's scared and wants to go into a care home. My sister is trying to protect her inheritance and has been telling mum all sorts of stuff about selling the house, that she won't be independent. Not sure how to progress this.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hello Just So Fed Up!

I had a similar problem with my brothers especially the elder one although I have POA and my brothers are both replacement attorneys. My brothers didn't tell dad about losing his independence but they told me that I could lose the house if dad went into care. I cared for dad for two years with hardly any help from them before I decided I could do no more.

When I put dad into the home permanently my elder brother felt I had put him in without his permission and he later said it would take him a long time to trust me again. Anyway I have one or two suggestions for you and I think you should organise a meeting with your local dementia friend coordinator. My local coordinator is based at our local authority and your sister should come along. I think your sister should also go along to any appointments with your mum's nurse or doctor because she needs to be advised about what would happen when your mum gets worse.

It sounds like your poor mum no longer feels safe and she still has capacity then I think her wishes should be taken into account. You could try looking at homes and bringing your sister along so that she can see things for herself. Tell your sister that you could try respite or at least put your mum's name down and when a place comes up you can make a decision. Your sister needs to be aware that this is what her mum wants and if she's not careful she may find that your mum is suddenly put in a nursing home
which is a lot more expensive if there was an emergency. At least if you've both looked at a home you would have some choice before an emergency.

Good luck

MaNaAk

 

[Sirena]

I don't know what you relationship is like with your sister, but you could try reminding her that attorneys are obliged to do what is best for the donor (your mother). It sounds as if your mother is anxious and confused when left alone, and needs company and supervision 24/7. Is there another relative, or friend, your sister would listen to?

 

[Justsofedup]

I don't know what you relationship is like with your sister, but you could try reminding her that attorneys are obliged to do what is best for the donor (your mother). It sounds as if your mother is anxious and confused when left alone, and needs company and supervision 24/7. Is there another relative, or friend, your sister would listen to?

I've tried this and so has some friends of ours who have had their mum go into care . She simply says that she cannot see how care homes can justify their fees when our mum is fairly healthy, she's 85, only the mind has gone . As far as she is concerned, mum is better at home . She uses excuses such as the carers will tell us when the time is right, or mum should have more testing to see if she has deteriorated. The only option is to wait for a crisis to occur

 

[Rosettastone57]

I've tried this and so has some friends of ours who have had their mum go into care . She simply says that she cannot see how care homes can justify their fees when our mum is fairly healthy, she's 85, only the mind has gone . As far as she is concerned, mum is better at home . She uses excuses such as the carers will tell us when the time is right, or mum should have more testing to see if she has deteriorated. The only option is to wait for a crisis to occur

I think you're right. And your sister sounds incredibly callous . Sorry if that's a bit blunt

 

[Quizbunny]

If your mum has capacity and is asking to go into a care home how can your sister say otherwise, particularly as you agree with mum.

 

[Beate]

You could inform the OPG about the fact that your sister is not acting in your Mum's best interests but it could backfire if they think the best solution would be to take attorneyship from both of you and give it to someone independent.

 

[MaNaAk]

As I have already said would your sister listen to a doctor? I agree with Rosetta I think your sister sounds callous because your mother could be hospitalised before your sister changes her mind. I think you may have to take matters into your own hands at some point before a crisis happens or you make yourself ill with worry.

Best of luck

MaNaAk

 

[Sirena]

As I have already said would your sister listen to a doctor? I agree with Rosetta I think your sister sounds callous because your mother could be hospitalised before your sister changes her mind. I think you may have to take matters into your own hands at some point before a crisis happens or you make yourself ill with worry.

Best of luck

MaNaAk

I think doctors are usually reluctant to get involved in these type of situations unless the person's medical needs are not being met, and this sounds like a persona/social care issue. I wonder if social services would help though, since the PWD is actually asking to go into a care home, and she can self-fund. SS are reluctant to get involved with self-funders but they might be prepared to arrange a best interests meeting - someonelse on here might know if that's likely/possible?

 

[MaNaAk]

I think doctors are usually reluctant to get involved in these type of situations unless the person's medical needs are not being met, and this sounds like a persona/social care issue. I wonder if social services would help though, since the PWD is actually asking to go into a care home, and she can self-fund. SS are reluctant to get involved with self-funders but they might be prepared to arrange a best interests meeting - someonelse on here might know if that's likely/possible?

Actually Sirena I think your right so maybe it would be a good idea to involve your local authority but I do feel for Just So Fed Up because I know how it feels.

MaNaAk

 

[Sirena]

Actually Sirena I think your right so maybe it would be a good idea to involve your local authority but I do feel for Just So Fed Up because I know how it feels.

MaNaAk

I know - it's all so difficult to deal with anyway, without a family member making it even harder.

 

[MaNaAk]

I know - it's all so difficult to deal with anyway, without a family member making it even harder.

My thoughts go out to all our friends having to put up with difficult family members as well as caring.

MaNaAk

 

[Banjomansmate]

As your LPA says you can work jointly or severally and your Mum is saying she wants to go into a Care home then I think you have every right to go ahead with her wishes and ignore your sister. Obviously it would be better all round if you agreed but at least you would be doing what your Mum wants and she is the important one!
Once you found a care home that you and Mum like the look of maybe she could spend a week or so there “on holiday” and if she liked it then she could stay!
Of course you could always phone your sister every time Mum rings you when stressing out and ask her to talk to Mum and calm her down. After several nights of that she might think about changing her mind. You might also suggest she go and live with Mum so that she isn’t alone and frightened at night.

 

[Bunpoots]

I agree with @Banjomansmate that this would be a good way forward.
I had LPA jointly and severally with my sister but I took all the big descisions for my dad. Admittedly she never stood in my way but I didn’t really ask her opinion anyway she just left me to get on with it.

I don’t think your sister can stop you but let the home know what the situation is and that in your opinion sis is more interested in mum’s money than her wellbeing. Carehome managers are well used to dealing with family dynamics!

I think a couple of weeks in a carehome would give you and your mum a better idea of if it’s the right thing to do.

 

[MaNaAk]

As your LPA says you can work jointly or severally and your Mum is saying she wants to go into a Care home then I think you have every right to go ahead with her wishes and ignore your sister. Obviously it would be better all round if you agreed but at least you would be doing what your Mum wants and she is the important one!
Once you found a care home that you and Mum like the look of maybe she could spend a week or so there “on holiday” and if she liked it then she could stay!
Of course you could always phone your sister every time Mum rings you when stressing out and ask her to talk to Mum and calm her down. After several nights of that she might think about changing her mind. You might also suggest she go and live with Mum so that she isn’t alone and frightened at night.

Please allow your mum to phone your sister so that she gets a better idea about dementia.

MaNaAk

 

[Justsofedup]

Just an update, albeit several months later. I'm ashamed to say that I allowed my sister to take over again with mum. There had been no change to the current arrangements with carers at home. Anyhow after the care agency told us that the aggression from mum would mean they would be withdrawing in the near future, things came to a head. Mum tried to punch a carer but slipped over and fell breaking her hip. She's in hospital and the hospital are saying she needs to be in a home eventually. My sister has found one near to us with vacancies, but I assume this would have to be an EMI one ?

 

[Banjomansmate]

Sorry to hear that things came to a head in this way.
Any home will need to know exactly what your Mum is like and will go to assess her before they accept her. You might need a ‘Best interest’ meeting at the hospital with medics and social worker to decide what type of care home will best suit her needs, especially if she has been showing some aggression. She might well have deteriorated during her time in hospital due to the stress of the accident and the operation, hopefully the professionals can help you there.

 

[Hotdoggy]

Please bear in mind that you need to make sure that whatever Care Home you visit etc, that they are able to deal with your dear mum in her current state ...there should be a social worker at the hospital where your mum is currently and should be able to provide you with a list of Care Homes that would be suitable. Alternatively, contact social services who will send you a list of suitable care homes in your area - my advice would be to be proactive ASAP because of availability in popular care homes etc