Birthdays/anniversaries and grief...

[CraigC]

Hi All,

It is mums birthday in a few days and I can feel an incredible wave of grief coming, in the distance surging up. It comes and goes but the birthday seems to be bringing it all back. Sure Christmas is going to be the same and of course the day she died. At least I know it is coming from reading many of the open and honest threads here. So I intend to throw in some distraction - just assumed that it was going to get a little easier.

Someone told me it was a slow process but what always surprises me is how little control you have over emotions like these.

Anyway, plenty to keep me busy and will just have to avoid any tear jerky movies for a few days.

Kind Regards
Craig

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Hello Craig, I wonder if it would help to do something positive in your mum's memory on her birthday. Plant a rose , or sow some wildflowers. Just something to lift the day a little, and include a glass of something special along the way to toast her with, if that would be appropriate. Kind regards, Deborah

 

[CraigC]

Hi Deborah,

thanks for you kind thoughts and you are right, I may even fall into a church by mistake if they will still let me in. I think one of the problems is that we have not scattered the ashes. For one reason and another, we decided to wait as mums only request was to be scattered with dad. Long story but it kind of makes closure more difficult so perhaps I need to review this and work something out. I need to find some quite reflection space for sure.

Many thanks
Craig

 

[julieann15]

Hi Craig
On my mum and dad's birthday I always buy £10 of flowers. That was the value we spent on each other for such occasions. The flowers are then put in big vase in pride of place in my lounge. For me it helps- mum and dad always hated to see flowers on a grave- they said it was a waste but then again they were always "careful" with money

Julie xx

 

[angela.robinson]

always very difficult when you want to send both parents off together . unless there is a very special place you want them to be scattered ,it might help if you decided to bury the ashes in a special place
this is what i decided with my husbands ashes this is on family land marked with a huge tub that i plant seasonal plants in every one knows this is where i want my ashes buried ,then when we are both there the land will be grassed over , it cant be built on , so i know it will never be disturbed . on a lighter note ,there is about 4 members of my family ,sisters and brother in laws , that have stated they want to be there as well !!!!

 

[Skye]

I need to find some quite reflection space for sure.

Craig, I think this is so important.

It just doesn't help, to try to push the grief to the back of your mind.

It will be your mum's birthday, and that thought will be with you, consciously or unconsciously. Much better -- and healthier -- to make it consciously!

Plan how you are going to spend the day, allowing quiet time to just sit and think about your mum, either in a church or in a quiet park or countryside. And keep your mum with you, not in a sad way, just remembering what she means to you.

As for the ashes, I'd keep them until you can do as your mum wanted. But not as a source of grief. Just make them part of your life, even talk to them. They're not your mum, but can serve as a focus for you.

Your decision, of course, you may not like the idea.

You'll get through it, Craig. Remember, there's no time limit!

Love,

 

[Mameeskye]

Hi Craig


(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

My Mum's birthday is coming up at the end of this month, and try as I might I cannot escape from the memories of her eating chocolate cake last year, with a little help.

I know when Dad died Mum and I deliberately chose his birthday to set off on holiday together. Something, as the travel agent he had been, we knew that he would have appreciated. The excitement of the holiday helped take away the sadness that otherwise would have been there...we did have some tears too, but the holiday itself was something we had promised ourselves during the last year of his life and it was about 3 -4 months after he died.

The grief for both hit me, Dad's refreshed by Mum's passing. I felt the 10th anniversary of his death this year as I knew that it was more than likely that Mum would be following shortly..and she did. Even though she had not been "My Mum" for years that linkage was gone. Even though the grief has not been so raw this time, as Dad was Dad until the end and I have had a long drawn out process grieving Mum it still hits me...at odd times, returning from holiday and not having to rush to see her, travelling near the nursing home, when my life went to pot recently with my OH's diagnosis of depression, when things go well and when they go badly..I am still a child and want the unconditional support of my parents..I feel like I am now having to swim without water wings, although in reality I have been doing this for years now.

I don't think it is odd. Take the time for yourself, take time with your family, maybe even head to where your Mum and Dad would like their ashes to be scattered as it will be a special place for them. Celebrate her life and remember her, even if you do it by yourself.

The night my Dad died the Marie Curie nurse said to me "While you remember them they never die"..and in the intervening years I have found it to be true. I may not have a physical presence but I feel them with me and remember them.

Thoughts are with you at this poignant time

Mameeskye

 

[Helen33]

Dear Craig

and I can feel an incredible wave of grief coming, in the distance surging up

The good thing about this Craig is that it won't take you by complete surprise because you are being prepared. By being able to acknowledge this within yourself, you have the opportunity to make plans - meaning that you can plan to be quiet, party, active, inactive, commemorate in some special way (or not). Without this fore-knowledge it could be a completely different story.

Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

Love

 

[Tina]

I can feel an incredible wave of grief coming, in the distance surging up. It comes and goes but the birthday seems to be bringing it all back. Sure Christmas is going to be the same and of course the day she died.

Someone told me it was a slow process but what always surprises me is how little control you have over emotions like these.

Craig

Dear Craig

I know what you mean by that wave. I still get it two years down the line, but, like you, I know it's coming. It's less intense for my nan's birthday/anniversary/etc....she's been gone longer. I still feel regret that she's not here, and I always think of her, but it's easier today than it used to be. Just let it happen, do whatever you feel comfortable doing. It gets better afterwards, too. Even though every day will be a day when you miss your mum, the special days are still hard.

I'm surprised by the intensity of it all as well...I thought I'd be much further down the line, two years on...but the difficult days are further apart now, and the grief is less raw. The sadness and longing remain, but you get better at living with it.

Wishing you well.
Tina

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Craig,

When it is a birthday, anniversary, Christmas what ever the occassion where I have lossed close family members, I always buy flowers and put them by the photo.

Yes I will sit in a Church and completely feel at peace but the heartache is still there.

I was bought up by my Grandparents and my Grandmother tragically collapsed and died when I was in the room with her and I was only four.

In my lounge pride of place is my beloved Grandmother and over the years when I married had my first child and then the Grandchildren coming along I have missed my Grandmother not being there with me but my only consolation is that she is looking over me.

Which every way you decide your Mother will look down on you and be proud of the son you are.

Best wishes
Christine

 

[twinone]

Dear Craig

I understand how you are feeling and it comes as a shock that it can still hit you so hard.

It was the 1st anniversary of Steve's death on Sunday, the anniversary of my mums death at 63 today ( killed by a speeding car) and its also my wedding anniversary on the 16th.

I have been so upset over it all weekend. I could feel the wave of grief coming all week. I went out on Friday night to a pub with a group of 4 friends, all lovely women my own age. 2 of them are very close friends and they both rang me when I had got home on Friday to see how I was, they said I did not look right. I thought the make-up had covered the grief I was feeling well, obviously not.

Saturday was my worst day, I could not stop crying. Sunday my sister and son came round for Sunday dinner so I tried to pull myself together.

I also think the intense pain is as strong as when Steve passed away. I do try, small steps at a time. Just hope one day I can learn to live with it and move on but dont feel able to at the moment. I just miss him so

Hope you manage to get through the day okay, I know its so hard.

Lots of love
Janet

 

[daughter]

Dear Craig,

Anyway, plenty to keep me busy and will just have to avoid any tear jerky movies for a few days.

Talking of tear jerky movies, today we watched some of the old "home movies" that I'm transferring to DVD - family holidays back in the 1990's. Mum shed some tears but she laughed a lot too, Dad could nearly always make her laugh and we did some real fun times. It was poignant in another way for my sister and I because the movies also show a very different Mum - one who laughed so much more, didn't get anxious or agitated and who could speak without any effort at all.

Sometimes I feel it's right not to think about these things too much, to keep busy, but there are also times when it can be better to face the hurt, otherwise we might miss out on the happy memories as well. I hope whatever you do is not too painful for you.

love from Hazel.

 

[CraigC]

Thanks all for you kind thoughts and words and advice.

And to all that suggesting doing something practical in mums memory thanks. And Hazel:

but there are also times when it can be better to face the hurt, otherwise we might miss out on the happy memories as well

That made me think. I picked up my daughter today and she asked when grandmas birthday was, when I said today, she said it made her feel real sad so I suggested we went to the crematorium after school (it is just a short walk from her school). It was a beautiful autumn afternoon and we sat in a nice spot. We had a few tears and just talked. About life, death and how many good times we had with mum. It was good to shed a tear or two and let sophie open up. We said happy birthday and discussed the crazy things we'd buy her is she'd still been alive and then walked home.

but there are also times when it can be better to face the hurt, otherwise we might miss out on the happy memories as well

Thanks so much, spend way too much time fighting it.
love
Craig

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Craig,

Thank you for sharing your Mum's birthday memory.

I think it was a lovely thing for you and Sophie to do.

Best wishes
Christine

 

[daughter]

Dear Craig,

I know what you mean about the fighting it, also I tend to shield Mum and avoid talking about Dad too much. Yet sometimes it just feels the right thing to do to, let her have a cry, hard though it is for me.

Isn't it strange though? I mean, what category would you put the memory of your trip to the crematorium with your daughter, happy or sad? I'd say it was, rather bizarrely perhaps, some of each and I'm so glad for both of you that you did it.

Take care, love Hazel.

 

[CraigC]

Isn't it strange though? I mean, what category would you put the memory of your trip to the crematorium with your daughter, happy or sad? I'd say it was, rather bizarrely perhaps, some of each and I'm so glad for both of you that you did it.

Yes it was smack bang in the middle - but something I'm very glad we did. We are both proud of my mum and I never want to forget her, but somehow get back to the good times. The good memories have not come flooding back yet and that is taking longer than I thought to be honest. Focus on those last few months which were such a small part of her life. I need to turn this round somehow.

Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened

love
Craig

 

[Tender Face]

It was good to shed a tear or two and let sophie open up. We said happy birthday and discussed the crazy things we'd buy her is she'd still been alive and then walked home.

Dear Craig ... my son is a few years older than Sophie but I have learnt the 'first commandment' is 'speak about Grandma when HE is ready to speak' ..... it's so tough .... in a few short weeks I have learnt if I dare metnion anything it's wrong ... if he wants to talk/cry/ask I just have to be at the ready .... if I'm actually ready to cry buckets but he is not ... having to bottle it up .....

But yes, there have been good times ... when we have started by crying together and then found ourselves laughing ..... and whilst the horrors of mum's last couple of weeks will never leave me, my son is helping to get the 'better times' back ...... (thank God he never witnessed some of the stuff I did) .... through the eyes of a child and all that .... their unconditional love and innocence is a Godsend ...

I am believing more and more that the 'trauma' of his Grandma's dementia has helped to mature him in a positive way (not that I would wish a child ever having to witness dementia in the first place) .....

Well done .....

Love, Karen, x