Dementia suffering Mother thinks I have left her.

[A Sad Son]

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this but I am hoping for some advice.

I have been caring for my Mother for three months since the dementia kicked in hard. I have struggled through this time as best as I can but a week ago there was a development I am unable to fully cope with.

My Mother suddenly started to talk to me about the other me. In her mind, there were two of me. A me that lived with her before her fall and the one that moved in after. I, apparently am the new one.The problem with this, is that she now believes that the other me has moved away without telling her he was going. She is genuinely heart broken that 'I' have left her and worries about 'me' constantly. I have her crying her eyes out several times a day because she misses the other me and wants him to come and see her again. It is so hard to deal with seeing her so distressed over her Son leaving her, when in reality, I haven't gone anywhere. To be clear, she knows that I am her Son and she knows my name, she just believes that there are two of me and one of me has left her.

Any suggestions as to how to help her through this would be gladly accepted.

 

[Mitch60]

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this but I am hoping for some advice.

I have been caring for my Mother for three months since the dementia kicked in hard. I have struggled through this time as best as I can but a week ago there was a development I am unable to fully cope with.

My Mother suddenly started to talk to me about the other me. In her mind, there were two of me. A me that lived with her before her fall and the one that moved in after. I, apparently am the new one.The problem with this, is that she now believes that the other me has moved away without telling her he was going. She is genuinely heart broken that 'I' have left her and worries about 'me' constantly. I have her crying her eyes out several times a day because she misses the other me and wants him to come and see her again. It is so hard to deal with seeing her so distressed over her Son leaving her, when in reality, I haven't gone anywhere. To be clear, she knows that I am her Son and she knows my name, she just believes that there are two of me and one of me has left her.

Any suggestions as to how to help her through this would be gladly accepted.

Am sorry to hear about your mum ...I'm not sure how you can deal with this ....maybe someone with more experience can help . I look after my mother too ...dam hard isn't it . But she hasn't behaved in this way...yet !

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @A Sad Son welcome to TP...
Is it possible your Mum has an infection either a UTI or a chest infection either which can cause a sudden downturn?
I’m sure it’s very difficult to deal with..

 

[mightymichymac]

This situation is very familiar to me - my mum has being saying there are two of me for a couple of years now. There are a couple of versions of my dad and sister as well. It was really difficult at the beginning as we just didn’t know what to say. A few times I would tell her to phone the other me and I would quickly make excuses and run outside to answer my mobile and speak to her as the other me. I would then go back in afterwards and she would be a little more settled. If she gets agitated now we just say that the other versions are at work - essentially we say anything to not make her upset.

Can you not tell her that the other person is away abroad for work for a bit and will come home next month? And that the version of you at home (ie. you!) is there to look after her until the other version comes home?

 

[A Sad Son]

Thank you both for your advice.

I had her checked out by the Community Treatment Team and she has no trace of infection. I was genuinely hoping that she did have an infection as this would have explained this new development and hopefully would have meant it would be temporary. Sadly, I think this is a downturn in her condition.

I am quite pleased (if that is the right word) that this is not unknown and other people have encountered it. I tried the phone trick myself a few days ago, I didn't know if it was a good idea or not at the time but she was hysterical and I was desperate. She believed it was the other me. She told 'me' that she misses me and got very emotional but afterwards did calm down for a while. Sadly, this calm didn't last long, as she started asking for the other me again an hour or so later.

It is just so awful that she is distressed by losing someone that is still with her. Although, I suppose in a lot of ways, I am experiencing the same thing as her. My Mum is still with me but in many ways, gone forever.

 

[Malalie]

I've had no experience of this sort of thing, but have heard of several others on the forum who have. It must be very hard to cope with.

I believe it is called Capgras Syndrome or delusion, and there is quite a lot of information on the internet if you want to find out more. Sorry, not very helpful, but always reassuring to find that your Mum isn't the only one!

 

[KAJ]

So sorry to hear about your mothers recent change and it sounds like your phone calls are helping her, if temporarily. I read something on BBC news today - “Dementia whiteboard touches hearts around the world” - about writing the most important things on a whiteboard so they were always there. I can’t post the link (I’m new here too) but maybe someone else can. The story has a link to twitter to which I found interesting and useful - and think I may try it out with my own mum who has just got a whiteboard this week. Might that help your mum?

 

[Louise7]

Here's the link: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-trending-47056039

To the OP, I wonder if getting a friend/relative (someone your Mum knows and trusts) to visit and them sending the 'new you' away (you leaving the house) so that the 'old you' can come back will reassure your Mum? Whilst they are there you can come back wearing a different coat etc, and get the visitor to welcome you back as the 'old you' - thank goodness you're back safe from your holiday etc. Might be worth a try?

 

[A Sad Son]

Again, thank.you for all of the replies. It means a lot to me just to have someone to vent to!!

The whiteboard idea seems like a good one. I will give it a try.

As for the idea of leaving and coming back as as 'myself', I am afraid that I don't think that will work. When she first told me of her belief that I wasn't the same person that lived with her before, I tried to convince her otherwise. She wouldn't have it and declared that I was much older than the other me. From what I gather from her, she thinks that the other me is about 20 years younger than me. Unfortunately, I think that the younger version of me is the strongest one in her mind. Also, she seems to have combined the young me and my brother (sadly dead for 8 years) into one person. About half of what she says about the other me is clearly me, the other half are clearly facts about my brother.

 

[Rosalind297]

I am SO sorry for you both. I gave up my life in London 6 years ago to come back and care for my mother who is now 92. As time has gone on she conflates me with her sister (long dead) and talks to me about - me! She gets very anxious as she thinks I am not there and often tells “her sister” that she saw me walking away from the village or that I had gone away with friends and that she hasn’t seen me for a long time. She can never understand why I have abandoned her. I have occasionally said “but I’m Ros aren’t I?” and she understands and then 5 minutes later it all starts again. I haven’t had the hysteria or constant nature of this confusion as you have (yet) but all I can do is use the usual distraction techniques which seem to work. We saw her doctor last week and he put her on a course of anti-anxiety drugs which I wouldn’t recommend (we discontinued after three days) therefore only distraction works. As “her sister” I also have to answer lots of questions about “our Mum” who is even longer gone. Oh Lord, it is so difficult and so upsetting - I wish I could offer some positive advice but all I can do is say, in some ways, I am going through something similar.

 

[A Sad Son]

I am SO sorry for you both. I gave up my life in London 6 years ago to come back and care for my mother who is now 92. As time has gone on she conflates me with her sister (long dead) and talks to me about - me! She gets very anxious as she thinks I am not there and often tells “her sister” that she saw me walking away from the village or that I had gone away with friends and that she hasn’t seen me for a long time. She can never understand why I have abandoned her. I have occasionally said “but I’m Ros aren’t I?” and she understands and then 5 minutes later it all starts again. I haven’t had the hysteria or constant nature of this confusion as you have (yet) but all I can do is use the usual distraction techniques which seem to work. We saw her doctor last week and he put her on a course of anti-anxiety drugs which I wouldn’t recommend (we discontinued after three days) therefore only distraction works. As “her sister” I also have to answer lots of questions about “our Mum” who is even longer gone. Oh Lord, it is so difficult and so upsetting - I wish I could offer some positive advice but all I can do is say, in some ways, I am going through something similar.

Thank you for your post. It does make things easier knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this sort of issue.


It breaks my heart every time she gets upset over 'me' leaving her. I had her for an hour this morning begging me to find 'me' so she could see him again. Distractions don't work very well with Mum. She was always a very single minded woman and even though that mind is badly damaged now, she doesn't let things go easily. The phone trick is the only thing that calms her for awhile.

I wish you well with your Mother.

 

[Rosalind297]

Thank you for your post. It does make things easier knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this sort of issue.


It breaks my heart every time she gets upset over 'me' leaving her. I had her for an hour this morning begging me to find 'me' so she could see him again. Distractions don't work very well with Mum. She was always a very single minded woman and even though that mind is badly damaged now, she doesn't let things go easily. The phone trick is the only thing that calms her for awhile.

I wish you well with your Mother.

Thank you. I hope that this is a phase and one day you both can find some peace. How she must love you to be so distraught that the ‘you’ she remembers is not with her.

Please don’t forget to take care of yourself, it is easy to forget to do so.