My parents are both in their 80s and both have dementia (different types). They have been OK at home with carers but Mum was recently admitted to hospital after having a stroke. As most of the care visits were for her Dad was suddently alone at home with very little care as her care visits were instantly withdrawn (they are funded by the LA). We had to fund extra care visits for Dad as well as overnight care as he didn’t like being alone at night and needed constant reminding of where Mum was. Between daytime carer visits he would call asking where Mum was, when someone was coming to see him etc. Both my brother and I work full time so we couldn’t take him to see Mum until the evening. We decided to try respite care as he really wasn’t coping but he hates it. He cries a lot, won’t eat or drink, wanders about at night and won’t sleep. He won’t engage with anyone at all and just waits all day for one of us to take him to see Mum. Mum is doing OK and may be transferred home soon with an adjusted care plan so Dad can come home too. Neither of them eat much, even the carers can’t get them to eat. They don’t watch TV or listen to the radio and should probably both be in a care home. Given Dads reaction to respite care though I’m terrified at the prospect. I just don’t know what to do for the best. I feel so guilty for putting Dad into respite care, I thought it was the best and safest thing for him. When Mum had her stroke he didn’t even know how to call for help, she was found by the morning carer on the floor. He’s a little unsteady on his feet too. I hate taking him to see Mum as he thinks I’m taking him home after and he gets so upset when I take him back to respite care.
Just don’t know what to do
- Thread starter Harli
- Start date
Hello @Harli and welcome to TP
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, you have some very difficult problems / decisions on your hands - well, you know that! For what it's worth it sounds as though you did the right thing in finding respite care for your dad. There is no perfect solution of course, but I wonder whether when your mum hopefully comes home with more care, it may be possible for them to manage a bit longer at home...
It does seem, though, that a care home placement may not be far away. I wonder could they both be in the same home? If funding is needed, perhaps you could begin this discussion with the local authority?
I hope things work out well.
All the best
Lindy xx
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, you have some very difficult problems / decisions on your hands - well, you know that! For what it's worth it sounds as though you did the right thing in finding respite care for your dad. There is no perfect solution of course, but I wonder whether when your mum hopefully comes home with more care, it may be possible for them to manage a bit longer at home...
It does seem, though, that a care home placement may not be far away. I wonder could they both be in the same home? If funding is needed, perhaps you could begin this discussion with the local authority?
I hope things work out well.
All the best
Lindy xx
Just remember, the poor old boy has had his comfortable routine life destroyed.
He will be totally lost!
Normally in respite, you do not visit, let alone, take them out for a short time. He won't know what's happening.
As Lindy says now would be the best time to arrange Care Home placements for both, preferably in the same home.
Bod
He will be totally lost!
Normally in respite, you do not visit, let alone, take them out for a short time. He won't know what's happening.
As Lindy says now would be the best time to arrange Care Home placements for both, preferably in the same home.
Bod
The current circumstances of him being in respite on his own and going out every day to visit your mum in hospital will have been very unsettling for your dad - but unavoidable of course as he would not have been safe at home on his own. You might find he settles better in a permanent care home placement if he is with your mum and isn't being taken out of there every day. So if/when staying in their own home is no longer an option, don't worry too much as it will entirely different circumstances and it may work out a lot better, although it will of course take a bit of time for them to become accustomed to new surroundings.
This disease tends to make you think you're doing the wrong thing/not enough, but you just have to go with what you think is best at the time, and sometimes it's a case of choosing the 'least worse' option. I really didn't want to move my mother to a care home but she became unsafe at home even with several hours of care a day. Fortunately within a few weeks she had settled and absolutely loves the care home.
This disease tends to make you think you're doing the wrong thing/not enough, but you just have to go with what you think is best at the time, and sometimes it's a case of choosing the 'least worse' option. I really didn't want to move my mother to a care home but she became unsafe at home even with several hours of care a day. Fortunately within a few weeks she had settled and absolutely loves the care home.
How sad and stressful for you all. Your Dad must miss his beloved wife so much, and this is directing so much of his behaviour - distress, searching etc. SO hard when you are trying to support them both and hold down FT jobs as well. I agree it seems to me that either full time care at home for them both or residential care where they can be together, will be the answer. The problem is, dementia for some reason does not seem to be classed as an illness so you may find yourself funding a lot of this yourselves (through house sale etc if residential) but ask for a social services assessment (look at your local council website, you do not need a referral). Carers' Trust and (if it exists in your area) Admiral Nurses could help. All the very best
Certainly full time carers is an option when there are 2 people in the house who need care. It may actually be slightly cheaper than paying for both to be in residential care. Obviously the cost isn’t the most important factor. It is what is the best option for your Mum and Dad. Staying at home for as long as possible is usually what people really want though xx
I agree that can be the case for self-funded care, my grandparents stayed in their own home and self-funded a carer living with them 24/7 for several months before their death, it was a good solution for them. I am not sure if the LA will fund 24/7 care at home though?
