Am I going mad

[Sparklingminds]

Hi all,wanted some advice on general hygiene and the toilet it’s just started and I think I’m going crazy - my partner has Alzheimer’s dementia early stages some days as you all know are better than others.
So I have come home during my lunch to find OH wearing the same clothes as yesterday despite putting all clean clothes out this morning as I always do.
I check the toilet as this is something I now have to check daily and i find it repulsive only to find poo smears all over the inside of the lid,the seat,and all inside the loo after cleaning it up and calling other half to the bathroom and explain what iv had to do and suggested he showered and freshen up - he replies I don’t understand I’ve cleaned the toilet I never left a mess - omg is he serious !!!!!
after a lot of persuading to shower and change the clothes from the day before he continued with his day with his friend as if the whole episode never happened and I know in comparison to what I have read from others on the forum that this may be nothing but every day something new takes place and I’m just left thinking what am I doing☹️

 

[Batsue]

This sounds just like my mum except that I have not been able to get her to shower or bath for nearly 3 years. Luckily she has an en-suite to her bedroom so that me and OH do not have to share a toilet with her, she gets angry if I say that her toilet needs cleaning so I have to sneak in quickly with a cleaning spray and cloth, she also gets poo under her nails but cannot be convinced f the need to scrub them and always denies that her hands smell, I have to be quite forceful in order to keep her hands clean.

 

[Hazara8]

Hi all,wanted some advice on general hygiene and the toilet it’s just started and I think I’m going crazy - my partner has Alzheimer’s dementia early stages some days as you all know are better than others.
So I have come home during my lunch to find OH wearing the same clothes as yesterday despite putting all clean clothes out this morning as I always do.
I check the toilet as this is something I now have to check daily and i find it repulsive only to find poo smears all over the inside of the lid,the seat,and all inside the loo after cleaning it up and calling other half to the bathroom and explain what iv had to do and suggested he showered and freshen up - he replies I don’t understand I’ve cleaned the toilet I never left a mess - omg is he serious !!!!!
after a lot of persuading to shower and change the clothes from the day before he continued with his day with his friend as if the whole episode never happened and I know in comparison to what I have read from others on the forum that this may be nothing but every day something new takes place and I’m just left thinking what am I doing☹️

Very difficult at first. We know that personal hygiene is essential in these circumstances and it is best to try and focus on the 'poo' as just that and NOT the person. Prior to Alzheimer's that very same person would behave accordingly as we all do and that SAME person is now subject to memory loss and no longer aware of personal care and habits. If we can maintain a routine which incorporates this aspect of care and make it a fixed routine, this can help. It is never easy and in the Care Home where the need to maintain hygiene comes high on the list in terms of care, residents can display antagonism and open reluctance, despite that need. In the one-to-one situation this can be hard and demanding. The most important thing is to keep in mind the fact that OH is not aware of what seems to be a blatant happening (toilet mess) and in fact genuinely perceives such things through dementia eyes, as 'truth'. Care in dementia can
be the most challenging thing, to the point of abject despair. This is why we strive to enter that world with all its demands on our sanity and see it for just that -- leaving the loved one intact in our heart of hearts, as victim and NOT antagonist in denial. This demands energy and a kind of commitment, plus an awareness, which is all consuming - that is if one hopes to meet this harsh and callous disease with the armory that is both required and which can, when applied with stealth and love, achieve positive outcome.

 

[rhubarbtree]

Hi Sparklingminds,

I face similar problems. Also tried discussing it with OH but he just denied it was him. So now I just clean up, flush toilet and forget. Saves my sanity (hopefully). On the one or two occasions when I have insisted on a personal clean up (shower) it has been very difficult. I now just content myself with a shower every morning but presume that would be difficult for you if you work. How about a shower before bed? It is so hard when they cease to care about the normal conventions of personal hygiene.

 

[karaokePete]

I think a major issue is that the person with dementia can become confused about toileting/hygiene issues/routines so can get it wrong.

However, that same person may be aware that something is wrong and because of feelings, which can remain intact to the end, of shame or embarrassment etc., they will go into denial and perhaps get agitated when confronted.

I think it may be best to just ignore the poo or whatever and just suggest the routine daily/weekly clean up is now due and would they like to help to get it done before we have a cuppa, or such like to spare the confrontation. I've only had to deal with such an issue once and started with a panic mode that got me nowhere - changing to the suggestion I just made eventually got the job done.

I admit that my experience is very limited so I wouldn't know if my tactic would work long term.

 

[Prudence9]

Sparkling minds I am so sorry you had to face this. The first time is a real shock but you will find your routine as others have said. I really hope you have a better day today.

 

[elvismad]

Hi all,wanted some advice on general hygiene and the toilet it’s just started and I think I’m going crazy - my partner has Alzheimer’s dementia early stages some days as you all know are better than others.
So I have come home during my lunch to find OH wearing the same clothes as yesterday despite putting all clean clothes out this morning as I always do.
I check the toilet as this is something I now have to check daily and i find it repulsive only to find poo smears all over the inside of the lid,the seat,and all inside the loo after cleaning it up and calling other half to the bathroom and explain what iv had to do and suggested he showered and freshen up - he replies I don’t understand I’ve cleaned the toilet I never left a mess - omg is he serious !!!!!
after a lot of persuading to shower and change the clothes from the day before he continued with his day with his friend as if the whole episode never happened and I know in comparison to what I have read from others on the forum that this may be nothing but every day something new takes place and I’m just left thinking what am I doing☹️

HI @Sparklingminds
My mum never made the mess either, and at times I couldn't stop myself being angry about the mess and the fact that I had to clear it up. We are only human. I did come to learn that what was done was done and just to get on with the job in hand. I'm no saint and I've cried a river over the injustice of it all, both for me and mum but rather than cause more upset I try to treat it as just another job. Its never easy is it?

 

[Jean1234]

The cry of ‘it wasn’t me’ always happened whenever my OH saw me cleaning up poo from floor and loo and elsewhere as well as puddles. I discovered the wiped around poo was when he had attempted to clear it up him self usually using the towel. I know to begin with I was horrified and even got cross (which I know you shouldn’t ) but we are all learning to deal with things unimagined in the past and we are only human. In the end I just did as others have said and got on with it but never came to terms with the fact that this was my lovely OH behaving this way. I feel for you all still dealing with this problem. My OH is now in a CH and I only deal with cleaning him up if he has an accident when I am visiting now.

 

[marionq]

Hi all,wanted some advice on general hygiene and the toilet it’s just started and I think I’m going crazy - my partner has Alzheimer’s dementia early stages some days as you all know are better than others.
So I have come home during my lunch to find OH wearing the same clothes as yesterday despite putting all clean clothes out this morning as I always do.
I check the toilet as this is something I now have to check daily and i find it repulsive only to find poo smears all over the inside of the lid,the seat,and all inside the loo after cleaning it up and calling other half to the bathroom and explain what iv had to do and suggested he showered and freshen up - he replies I don’t understand I’ve cleaned the toilet I never left a mess - omg is he serious !!!!!
after a lot of persuading to shower and change the clothes from the day before he continued with his day with his friend as if the whole episode never happened and I know in comparison to what I have read from others on the forum that this may be nothing but every day something new takes place and I’m just left thinking what am I doing☹️

My way of dealing with the issue of putting on yesterday’s clothes is to deposit the days clothes in a laundry bag as I help him into his pjs at night. I bought a couple of soft laundry bags so I could throw them downstairs over the railing in the hall as soon as I do this. Out of sight out of mind. I then put a fresh set of clothes in the next room and bring them through after his shower next morning. The bag gets emptied into the machine straight away.

The poo issue is newish for us too. Husband is not too good at wiping his bottom and needs a wash after this. I try to get him to poo every night as part of a habit forming pattern as that is then built in to the routine - toilet, washing, teeth , pjs, bed. Doesn’t always work but we keep at it.

 

[lin1]

Hi all,wanted some advice on general hygiene and the toilet it’s just started and I think I’m going crazy - my partner has Alzheimer’s dementia early stages some days as you all know are better than others.
So I have come home during my lunch to find OH wearing the same clothes as yesterday despite putting all clean clothes out this morning as I always do.
I check the toilet as this is something I now have to check daily and i find it repulsive only to find poo smears all over the inside of the lid,the seat,and all inside the loo after cleaning it up and calling other half to the bathroom and explain what iv had to do and suggested he showered and freshen up - he replies I don’t understand I’ve cleaned the toilet I never left a mess - omg is he serious !!!!!
after a lot of persuading to shower and change the clothes from the day before he continued with his day with his friend as if the whole episode never happened and I know in comparison to what I have read from others on the forum that this may be nothing but every day something new takes place and I’m just left thinking what am I doing☹️

You’re not going mad at all. My thinking is that your husband really did believe he was cleaning up after himself but in reality was spreading things around.
Sadly as you already know this is dementia, putting it mildly it can be exasperating at times as well as exhausting. Sorry I have no ideas on how to prevent or lessen this happening other than to check and keep a cleaning up kit and rubbish bags nearby.
Hopefully this will pass soon.

I think you did very well in keeping your cool as well as persuading your husband to have a shower

 

[canary]

Ive started having similar problems.
I have discovered that vinyl gloves, Jcloths (you can buy some on a roll),anti-bacterial cleaner and Vic stuffed up your nose takes out the worst of it and I find I can distance myself. I have a large bucket and I put towels to soak in Bio-tex which seems to take the stains out.

 

[KV63]

Hi all,wanted some advice on general hygiene and the toilet it’s just started and I think I’m going crazy - my partner has Alzheimer’s dementia early stages some days as you all know are better than others.
So I have come home during my lunch to find OH wearing the same clothes as yesterday despite putting all clean clothes out this morning as I always do.
I check the toilet as this is something I now have to check daily and i find it repulsive only to find poo smears all over the inside of the lid,the seat,and all inside the loo after cleaning it up and calling other half to the bathroom and explain what iv had to do and suggested he showered and freshen up - he replies I don’t understand I’ve cleaned the toilet I never left a mess - omg is he serious !!!!!
after a lot of persuading to shower and change the clothes from the day before he continued with his day with his friend as if the whole episode never happened and I know in comparison to what I have read from others on the forum that this may be nothing but every day something new takes place and I’m just left thinking what am I doing☹️

Hi yes my husband is in the early stages and as you say some days are better than others! Changing clothes has become a problem and he says he is changing when I know he isn't. He is still in denial about the whole thing. Like you some days I think I am going crazy. xxx

 

[Emjayar]

My husband who has MCI tells me I'm the one losing my mind, not him, and I often think he is right as my head is always full of second guessing and decision making

 

[Sparklingminds]

Thanks everyone it’s so good to hear from others going through the same.
I hate this disease so much, he is also in denial about it and says its other people that have the problem and don’t get me started on the 37 yogurts he thought he would purchase When out with friends why they didn’t stop him,it was so bad I couldn’t close the fridge and had to chuck out a lot of meat and cheese that had melted
as the fridge door opened in the night and the food on the top shelf was so hot to touch - that of course he found very strange and still to this day thinks it’s normal ☹️

 

[maryjoan]

Thanks everyone it’s so good to hear from others going through the same.
I hate this disease so much, he is also in denial about it and says its other people that have the problem and don’t get me started on the 37 yogurts he thought he would purchase When out with friends why they didn’t stop him,it was so bad I couldn’t close the fridge and had to chuck out a lot of meat and cheese that had melted
as the fridge door opened in the night and the food on the top shelf was so hot to touch - that of course he found very strange and still to this day thinks it’s normal ☹️

NO! I don't believe it - another yoghurt hunter - my PWD will only have one flavour from Aldi - we live 14 miles from an Aldi and he gets the carers to take him just for this one thing..... fridge full, no room for anything else.

Seriously though there is a condition called anasogosnia ( if that is the correct spelling) - my OH has it as well. It means the PWD does not think there is anything wrong with them. It is not denial, or refusal, it is part of the brain taking over from the damaged part and telling them they are OK.

The PWD genuinely thinks there is nothing wrong.

I have sleepless nights worrying about our future - I asked himself the other day did he ever worry about the future and he said "What's there to worry about?" - as he is fine!!!

 

[maryjoan]

Hi yes my husband is in the early stages and as you say some days are better than others! Changing clothes has become a problem and he says he is changing when I know he isn't. He is still in denial about the whole thing. Like you some days I think I am going crazy. xxx

↑
Thanks everyone it’s so good to hear from others going through the same.
I hate this disease so much, he is also in denial about it and says its other people that have the problem and don’t get me started on the 37 yogurts he thought he would purchase When out with friends why they didn’t stop him,it was so bad I couldn’t close the fridge and had to chuck out a lot of meat and cheese that had melted
as the fridge door opened in the night and the food on the top shelf was so hot to touch - that of course he found very strange and still to this day thinks it’s normal ☹️
NO! I don't believe it - another yoghurt hunter - my PWD will only have one flavour from Aldi - we live 14 miles from an Aldi and he gets the carers to take him just for this one thing..... fridge full, no room for anything else.

Seriously though there is a condition called anasogosnia ( if that is the correct spelling) - my OH has it as well. It means the PWD does not think there is anything wrong with them. It is not denial, or refusal, it is part of the brain taking over from the damaged part and telling them they are OK.

The PWD genuinely thinks there is nothing wrong.

I have sleepless nights worrying about our future - I asked himself the other day did he ever worry about the future and he said "What's there to worry about?" - as he is fine!!!

 

[maryjoan]

Hi all,wanted some advice on general hygiene and the toilet it’s just started and I think I’m going crazy - my partner has Alzheimer’s dementia early stages some days as you all know are better than others.
So I have come home during my lunch to find OH wearing the same clothes as yesterday despite putting all clean clothes out this morning as I always do.
I check the toilet as this is something I now have to check daily and i find it repulsive only to find poo smears all over the inside of the lid,the seat,and all inside the loo after cleaning it up and calling other half to the bathroom and explain what iv had to do and suggested he showered and freshen up - he replies I don’t understand I’ve cleaned the toilet I never left a mess - omg is he serious !!!!!
after a lot of persuading to shower and change the clothes from the day before he continued with his day with his friend as if the whole episode never happened and I know in comparison to what I have read from others on the forum that this may be nothing but every day something new takes place and I’m just left thinking what am I doing☹️

This horrid disease takes us with it - I hate it all so much. My OH pees in the bathroom hand basin - it's the only hand basin we have in our bungalow and now I hate using it myself, even if I have cleaned it first. I have tried saying to him that for me, its like washing oneself in a toilet - but all that side of them has gone, it means nothing to them, and the hardest part is learning to accept this new weird person I live with.

 

[Starbright]

Ive started having similar problems.
I have discovered that vinyl gloves, Jcloths (you can buy some on a roll),anti-bacterial cleaner and Vic stuffed up your nose takes out the worst of it and I find I can distance myself. I have a large bucket and I put towels to soak in Bio-tex which seems to take the stains out.

I hope you don’t mind @canary but I was just picturing you with your long gloves,j cloths,and antibacterial cleaner and Vic stuffed up ya nose you made me have a little giggle ...I know it’s not funny clearing up poo please forgive me if I’m being inappropriate... hugs A x

 

[canary]

I hope you don’t mind @canary but I was just picturing you with your long gloves,j cloths,and antibacterial cleaner and Vic stuffed up ya nose you made me have a little giggle ...I know it’s not funny clearing up poo please forgive me if I’m being inappropriate... hugs A x

I think laughter is probably the best antidote for things we have to do
(((hugs)))) back to you

 

[karaokePete]

This horrid disease takes us with it - I hate it all so much. My OH pees in the bathroom hand basin - it's the only hand basin we have in our bungalow and now I hate using it myself, even if I have cleaned it first. I have tried saying to him that for me, its like washing oneself in a toilet - but all that side of them has gone, it means nothing to them, and the hardest part is learning to accept this new weird person I live with.

Hi maryjoan, it’s possible that your OH is mistaking the pedestal basin for a urinal. Making the toilet more obvious with a coloured seat can help. I heard recently of someone covering a seat with coloured tape to good effect as a short term measure.