hi everyone i have had to put my mum in full time care as i cannot look after anymore as not only have rhumetoid arthrites but just been diagnosed with oscoprosis in my spine so struggling to care for myself . she still gets upset when i visit and ask when she coming home i tell her this is her home now its so hard as it upsets me to i just wondered how many times to visit her as i hate seeing her upset i know she forgets when i have gone but its still new to her she only been in two weeks and i brought her home for tea last week think it was a big mistake as she was realy upset when i took her back i still feel so guilty putting her un there will that go or will i feel it forever i have been so tearful since she been gone dont know why as have my life back but still does make me feel any better as i go four times a week should i go less am not sure what to do the rest of family go once a week she does not get angry with me anymore and she looks so small and vunrable do you think i am being silly
how many times do i visit
- Thread starter grimsby28
- Start date
Your not being silly at all. You have done what you felt best, how would you have felt if your own body gave way while trying to care for Mum?
My own Mum has been in a nursing home for less than a week, like yourself I also feel guilty but I know hand on heart there is no way I could give her the care she needs, and that is the only peace I am getting.
It still very early days yet, and hopefully within time your Mum should settle down. I myself am still going daily, but am trying to cut down the length of time I'm there, I would like to make it an hour a day ...as Mums home is only 2 miles away. I want to try and get it to a point where my visitis are quality time rather than me taking over the care side, which knowing me I would end updoing.
I think what we both feel is eneveitable, its a terrible decesion to make and like yourself I have questioned myself , am I the one that is failing Mum, its only posting on here and getting the responces that I have that is keeping me together from cracking up big style.
It seems we walk this path together, you not alone xxx
My own Mum has been in a nursing home for less than a week, like yourself I also feel guilty but I know hand on heart there is no way I could give her the care she needs, and that is the only peace I am getting.
It still very early days yet, and hopefully within time your Mum should settle down. I myself am still going daily, but am trying to cut down the length of time I'm there, I would like to make it an hour a day ...as Mums home is only 2 miles away. I want to try and get it to a point where my visitis are quality time rather than me taking over the care side, which knowing me I would end updoing.
I think what we both feel is eneveitable, its a terrible decesion to make and like yourself I have questioned myself , am I the one that is failing Mum, its only posting on here and getting the responces that I have that is keeping me together from cracking up big style.
It seems we walk this path together, you not alone xxx
Hello Grimsby
I don`t think anyone goes down the road to residential care unless there is no alternative, so as well as feeling bad about your mother being in a home, you are also facing up to the deterioration in her condition.
Visiting is painful, especially when there is upset when we leave. If you visit there is upset when you leave, if you don`t visit you feel guilty.
There are no rules about visiting. You have to decide for yourself. You could also ask the home what they think is best. Should you cut back your visits until your mother seems more settled or go as often as you can. They will know how your mother is when you are not there and be in a better position to advise.
All I can say is I`m sure everyone goes through the same sadness. It does get easier but not overnight.
Take care xx
I don`t think anyone goes down the road to residential care unless there is no alternative, so as well as feeling bad about your mother being in a home, you are also facing up to the deterioration in her condition.
Visiting is painful, especially when there is upset when we leave. If you visit there is upset when you leave, if you don`t visit you feel guilty.
There are no rules about visiting. You have to decide for yourself. You could also ask the home what they think is best. Should you cut back your visits until your mother seems more settled or go as often as you can. They will know how your mother is when you are not there and be in a better position to advise.
All I can say is I`m sure everyone goes through the same sadness. It does get easier but not overnight.
Take care xx
Hi Grimsby
It is hard when they first move into a NH. Mum used to get upset when I left so for about a year I used to always make sure that leaving co-incided with a meal time etc. so Mum was taken from me,rather than I was leaving.
She still did get upset at times but from speaking to staff even if I wasn't there she got upset at those times (sun-downing)!
Speaking to the staff does help you to find the best way forward for if your Mum only gets upset as you leave you maybe able to find a distraction technique. If she is upset while you are there taking her out, although not necessarily to your home for a cuppa may help.
You will feel guilty but try to always up play the positives, you have energy for your Mum when you visit which you wouldn't have if you cared 24/7, your Mum has company during the day, you will have more patience etc. I think guilt is the monster that all too often rears its head but that we have to say back-down and concentrate on the benefits. It is not easy to do.
((((((hugs)))))))
Mameeskye
It is hard when they first move into a NH. Mum used to get upset when I left so for about a year I used to always make sure that leaving co-incided with a meal time etc. so Mum was taken from me,rather than I was leaving.
She still did get upset at times but from speaking to staff even if I wasn't there she got upset at those times (sun-downing)!
Speaking to the staff does help you to find the best way forward for if your Mum only gets upset as you leave you maybe able to find a distraction technique. If she is upset while you are there taking her out, although not necessarily to your home for a cuppa may help.
You will feel guilty but try to always up play the positives, you have energy for your Mum when you visit which you wouldn't have if you cared 24/7, your Mum has company during the day, you will have more patience etc. I think guilt is the monster that all too often rears its head but that we have to say back-down and concentrate on the benefits. It is not easy to do.
((((((hugs)))))))
Mameeskye
Hello Grimsby - I have to take my mum into respite care tomorrow, before we can find a permanent home, and I know I'm going to feel exactly like you. I'm on my way now to look at the respite home, but I'm really really scared, both for her and for me. I know that there's no alternative - the night times are dreadful, and she needs to be safe, but it doesn't help. And I don't know how to handle the actual logistics of getting her there... how do I explain where we're going and why, etc, etc.
Am living on a diet of Kalms tablets and co-codomol, but they don't help with the guilt I'm already feeling. Like you've said - she looks so small and vulnerable and has done so much for me. I can't bear the thought but I know there's no other way.
Am living on a diet of Kalms tablets and co-codomol, but they don't help with the guilt I'm already feeling. Like you've said - she looks so small and vulnerable and has done so much for me. I can't bear the thought but I know there's no other way.
when i took mum in the carers told me not to lie to her to tell her the truth so i did but she does not remember so ask me all time i visit when i am taking her home its so hard as she has been living with us for last 20 months th ehouse seems empty without her hope it all goes ok for you today like you i hope the guilt gets easier i tried so hard to care for her at home but had to addmit deafeat in the end .thankyou for your support
Hi Grimsby,
I'm so very sorry that you have had to join the 'club' as it were. There are so many of us with the same problems, the same guilt.
You have done all you can and are continuing to do all you can. The love you have for your mum is enduring and permanent - that is why you are beating yourself up at the moment. I'm sure that with time, the new situation will get better for both you and your mum. It will become 'the norm' and you will learn to live with it and even have some happy times still to come together.
Keep your chin up love
xxTinaT
I'm so very sorry that you have had to join the 'club' as it were. There are so many of us with the same problems, the same guilt.
You have done all you can and are continuing to do all you can. The love you have for your mum is enduring and permanent - that is why you are beating yourself up at the moment. I'm sure that with time, the new situation will get better for both you and your mum. It will become 'the norm' and you will learn to live with it and even have some happy times still to come together.
Keep your chin up love
xxTinaT
Hello Grimsby and everyone
The respite care didn't come off but in the meantime we've found a really lovely residential home for mum. That's the good bit! The downside is that my and my sis are taking her there this lunchtime and (as I've said on another thread) I know it will be really really difficult. We've broached the subject a couple of times (saying it's to get meds sorted, etc etc) but she's totally resistant and gets very angry. I'm dreading it. Hope you're all right and that your mum has settled. It's so heartbreaking, isn't it?
Love xx
The respite care didn't come off but in the meantime we've found a really lovely residential home for mum. That's the good bit! The downside is that my and my sis are taking her there this lunchtime and (as I've said on another thread) I know it will be really really difficult. We've broached the subject a couple of times (saying it's to get meds sorted, etc etc) but she's totally resistant and gets very angry. I'm dreading it. Hope you're all right and that your mum has settled. It's so heartbreaking, isn't it?
Love xx
Hi Grimsby
My mum has been in a home for over 3 years now, and to begin with my brothers and I arranged it, so she had a visitor every day. But she used to become really upset everytime we left because she thought she was going home with us (Not that she knew where home was - it just wasn't there!!)
The home suggested that we cut our visits for a couple of weeks just to let her settle in, but it took her a long time to do that - but everyone is different - your mum may settle in well - you just have to take each day as it comes.
I put myself in mums position and thought if I was in a home, how many times would I want my boys coming in to see me. I know she wouldn't have wanted it to take over my life at the cost of my kids, so I cut my visits down. Sadly, she never remembers me visiting her anyway
Libs
My mum has been in a home for over 3 years now, and to begin with my brothers and I arranged it, so she had a visitor every day. But she used to become really upset everytime we left because she thought she was going home with us (Not that she knew where home was - it just wasn't there!!)
The home suggested that we cut our visits for a couple of weeks just to let her settle in, but it took her a long time to do that - but everyone is different - your mum may settle in well - you just have to take each day as it comes.
I put myself in mums position and thought if I was in a home, how many times would I want my boys coming in to see me. I know she wouldn't have wanted it to take over my life at the cost of my kids, so I cut my visits down. Sadly, she never remembers me visiting her anyway
Libs
Hi Grimsby and everyone else, well it is different for everyone, and we are no less caring whatever we choose. I simply cannot face visiting my mum more than once a week, it is excruciating. We never had a relationship previously and it hasn't changed. I have nothing to talk to her about at all. It is all the same. How are the girls (my daughters) usually the response is they are fine. I don't always know, they don't live close, we don't ring regularly unless they are NOT fine, I have no problem with that, we are just that way. How is Chris (my husband). He is fine. How are you? I am fine. And that is it. Nothing else to talk about. I ask what she has had for lunch. Then there is no more conversation. I hate it. She doesn't watch telly, doesnt read a paper or a book, hasn't done for years. Today was the fourth anniversary of dad's death, I told her, and the only response I got was "Hmm, 4 years, well doesn't time go on". I left it at that. No comment about what a wonderful man he was or how she misses him. How I envy those of you that feel the need to visit every day, what on earth do you talk about? Sometimes we get a comment on the weather, but that is about it. Actually, it was no different before she had Alzheimers, conversations were the same, i.e non-existent.
I feel bad about it, but what can I do? I have no siblings and no other relatives to visit. There is only me. My husband has visited twice in 14 months (we only live 6 miles away). He has a strange way of visiting, he won't pull up a stool to sit with her, he prefers to stand behind her chair for an hour, and makes absolutely no effort to talk to her, apart from a sickly smile on his face. She doesn't know how long it is between visits, she sometimes tells me it has been months, but the longest it has been is 8 days when I was ill, and it is usually about 4 days. It makes no difference.
My mum has been in the home for 13 months, and she has only just "settled" so those of you who have experienced a couple of weeks have been very lucky.
I hate the whole experience, as I am sure you all do.
Love
Margaret
I feel bad about it, but what can I do? I have no siblings and no other relatives to visit. There is only me. My husband has visited twice in 14 months (we only live 6 miles away). He has a strange way of visiting, he won't pull up a stool to sit with her, he prefers to stand behind her chair for an hour, and makes absolutely no effort to talk to her, apart from a sickly smile on his face. She doesn't know how long it is between visits, she sometimes tells me it has been months, but the longest it has been is 8 days when I was ill, and it is usually about 4 days. It makes no difference.
My mum has been in the home for 13 months, and she has only just "settled" so those of you who have experienced a couple of weeks have been very lucky.
I hate the whole experience, as I am sure you all do.
Love
Margaret
Grimsby28 - you are not being silly. My mum's been in for 3 weeks and what struck home was - "she looks so small and vunrable". I feel the same about my mum and find myself thinking about her alot and what she must be thinking/feeling.
I would love to take her out but its way too early for her.
But she is safe now wasn't at home. Well looked after and just wanders the corridors all day long which is what she did at home.
Perhaps its because our whole lifes have been dedicated to caring that when they go into a home, its a sudden change for both of us. Maybe we are a bit resentful deep down that someone else is looking after our "baby"
I still cannot say good-bye and use distraction like Mameeskye.
I would love to take her out but its way too early for her.
But she is safe now wasn't at home. Well looked after and just wanders the corridors all day long which is what she did at home.
Perhaps its because our whole lifes have been dedicated to caring that when they go into a home, its a sudden change for both of us. Maybe we are a bit resentful deep down that someone else is looking after our "baby"
I still cannot say good-bye and use distraction like Mameeskye.
