Dad, Aggression, Police, A & E….

[sue38]

Tonight was my niece’s prize giving for her GCSE’s and as her parents are away I was attending as surrogate parent.

When we got home at about 10 p.m. there was a message on my answer phone from my Mum that my Dad had returned from his afternoon at Day Centre and had started shouting at her. She says she was frightened, knew that I was on my way to the prize giving, both sisters out of the country, so she rang emergency social services.

They rang for the Police and they in turn rang for an ambulance. My Dad was taken to the local A & E by ambulance and my Mum was taken in the squad car. It’s at times like this you have to stop, take a deep breath, pinch yourself, realise this is happening to your family, then get over yourself and deal with it.

My main fear was that my Dad would be sectioned and taken to an assessment unit. I tried to ring my Mum, but of course her mobile was switched off, so explained to my 16 year old niece and took off for A & E.

When I got there at 10.30 my parents were sitting quietly in a cubicle and my first instinct was to march my Dad right out of there. They had already been there for over 2 hours (and A & E was the quietest I have ever seen it). They had not seen a doctor and my Mum had been told we were ‘next’. The next minute 2 friendly porters arrived to say they were to take him to X-ray. No explanation. I refused to let him go until the sister told me they wanted a chest X-ray to rule out a chest infection. Fine, but please inform us that the doctor has ordered a chest X-ray.

We came back from the chest X-ray and I asked how long before we were seen. We were ‘next’ to be seen by the doctor. ‘Which doctor?’ I asked. ‘Hang on; let me check on the computer. Oh…Dr. X’ who just happened to be sat 5 yards away. ‘I’m reading the notes and I’ll be with you as soon as I can’ she barked.

She was 2 minutes before she arrived, and when she did was very thorough, listened to our concerns and my concern in particular about my Dad being admitted so close to the weekend. She agreed that once admitted it is extremely hard to be discharged on a weekend (or any other time) and that a hospital stay could well lead to him losing the skills he still retains.

All the tests (UTI, chest X-ray) were negative (as I knew they would be) and I think they would have been happy to discharge him, and so would I have been, but my mum wanted him admitted.

The compromise reached is that he is to be kept in A & E overnight (but not admitted) to give my Mum a break and we will ring in the morning to see how things are.

 

[DianeB]

(((((Sue)))))) sending you my heartfelt thoughts at this time. As you may know my Mum has just been discharged from a hospital from hell, and fully know what you mean by you not wanting Dad to be admitted. The only benefit for us now is it allowed us to relaise that we could not care for Mum ourselves now, which is deeply saddening but the truth. It's like her brain wont switch off and she can't sleep for any length of time, even though she is on really strong sleeping tablets.
Hang on in there honey, as long as the family can stick together and talk it really helps xxx

 

[Lynne]

Oh Sue

My first thought was "Thanks goodness Mum has you for support" but that seems to disregard your own feeling of worry & distress.
My gut feeling on reading your post is that your Mum may quite possibly be more right than you know. She's been living with your Dad & the results of his illness, and possibly hasn't told you how bad things have actually been for her.

However, I do understand your concerns about the possible problems of hospital admission/discharge. WHY do these things always happen just before the weekend?!!

Sincere best wishes for a best-case outcome.

 

[jude1950]

Hi Sue,

Reading between the lines Your Mum seems to want your dad to be assessed,

I applaud your loyalty and love for your dad and I notice from your earlier posts that you are a very caring daughter and support your parents very well.

I hope you are not offended by this but I think your Mum is finding that living with your Dads dementia is too much for her.

regards
Judith

 

[Skye]

Hi Sue

Sorry you had such an awful experience. A&E departments are dreadful. They've been given the 4-hour target, and they seem to interpret that to mean that it's OK to make everyone wait for 4 hours!

Surprise surprise, that was the one dept. that didn't send someone on our last Dementia Champions course -- because 'they don't deal with dementia'!!!!!!!

This year it's been made compulsory!

However, that being said, it does sound as if your mum needs a break. She must have been desperate, to call emergency services.

Would it be so bad for your dad to be admitted for assessment? It would give them chance to hopefully sort out his medication, and perhaps allow your mum to cope for longer. At least it would give her a break.

Forgive me for saying this, but she must be desperately worried about how she is going to cope while you're away on your trek, and iIt might be an idea to arrange some respite for this time.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but I know how she feels!

Love,

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Sue

It takes me back...............

I really do sympathize with your mother, she is obviously at the end of her tether with your father, sick and tired of all the shouting and aggression and saw his admission as a bit of a break.

And I sympathize with you too, as I believe you feel protective towards your father and see him as vulnerable.

When Dhiren threatened me I was genuinely afraid of him. I didn`t trust him as I felt he had no control over his actions when in an aggressive state.

Forgive me Sue, but I really don`t know how you could know the tests would be negative. When Dhiren had a UTI and fell and broke his arm, and when he threatened me and was found to have a chest infection, he had no obvious symptoms apart from an increase in confusion.

The inefficient hospital treatment is something most of us have experienced and it`s enough to cause anyone distress. I`m sure your parents were really pleased you were there for them.

Love xx

 

[DianeB]

I think there gets a point when any carer feels so desperate that they end up screaming for help. This is not a sign of failure or even lack of love it is quite the opposite. Like yourself I am the daughter and have had to watch my Dad suffer himself through giving Mum everything he could, at times it was unbearable to watch. I even begged him to get outside help but he refused saying he was fine, but deep inside I knew he wasn't.

Although I would go 3 x's a week to help Dad out, it was the 4 days and all the nights a week where he struggled. He never wanted to let on that he was struggling to cope, often thinking to himself he could cope and further more he should cope because if it had been Dad with Alzheimers than he was convinced Mum would do the same. Its taking its time but he is realizing now just how much care Mum now needs.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Sue,
If your mother wanted your father admitted, it does sound like she is desperate for a rest. In my experience, that's a rare thing for a spouse to say. She must feel like she's at the end of her rope but probably doesn't want to say anything as she feels she would be betraying your father.

I suggest you take a long look at getting your mother the respite she seems to need so badly. I know it's hard but your mother needs help also.

Take care.

 

[Tender Face]

Sue, sorry, on catch up tonight and only just seen this thread ... do hope for a positive update soon,
Love, Karen, x

 

[sue38]

Another trying day

Thank you for your responses. Yesterday I was upset, trying to function on 4 hours sleep, trying to run a business and deal with everyone else's problems ... oh and trying to get organised for the 7 friends who were coming over last night for dinner and our monthly gossip and p*** up which we laughingly call a book group.

To be honest when I read some of the responses I perceived them to be criticism of me and the way I was trying to do the best for both my parents. That was why I didn't/couldn't respond yesterday. I have re-read them this morning after a night's sleep and perhaps I was reading too much in to them. Thank you to those of you who did express support.

My mum spoke to the hospital and they said they were for discharging my Dad. My mum expressed concern but had to go as she was having tests at another hospital. I had a long telephone call with the physio on the ward. She said that there was no possibilty of my Dad being moved to an assessment unit. In her words there was nothing to assess. She had spoken with the MHT and they had come up with 2 options:-

1. My Dad be discharged to home and N the CPN we have seen in the past would come to the house next week and try and put a contingency plan in to place when this happens again.

2. We find an EMI home for respite that afternoon. As we are self-funding this would of course be down to us to find, although SW would assist.

I also had a long talk with the SW who emailed a list of homes.

I talked with my sisters (1 living in Athens, the other on holiday in Istanbul) and we all felt that we would look at respite, but would prefer to take time to find the right home for my Dad. When I put the options to my Mum her first response was "I think he should come home".

I collected him from the hospital (he was overjoyed to see me) and took him home. My mum decided she would stay with him that afternoon (most days he is left alone for most of the day). I went back to work and texted my friends to say it looked like we were on for tonight. My mum was very anxious that I didn't cancel.

2 hours later she rang to say my Dad was agitated (not aggressive), she had given him a valium and had arranged for him to be assessed and admitted to an EMI home at 5 p.m., but I was "not to worry".

I rang one of my friends and cancelled the evening and raced out of the office. My mum was upset that I had cancelled my evening and said I was making her feel guilty. I asked her did she really think I could have a good time with my friends knowing my Dad was going into a home of which we knew nothing?

My Dad was agitated about something but I couldn't work out what it was. He was asking us to "please sort it out between us". I assured him we would but it would probably be tomorrow now... and he calmed down.

My mum cancelled the home and my niece and I stayed the evening until my Dad fell fast asleep in front of the rugby. (BTW Wigan won )

We left at about 10.30 p.m.

We have agreed that my Mum keeps my Dad on a low dose of valium for the next few days and will see what happens...

 

[Chrissyan]

I have just caught up with your posts now Sue. I have no advice to give but just wanted to say that I was thinking about you & am sending lots of love.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Sue

I did worry you would think you were being criticised but it really was not the case.

The posts from spouses were simply asking you to see it from your mother`s viewpoint as she is living with it, obviously won`t have the strength or energy you have and is not in the best of health herself.

You are so involved with your father`s care you are a credit to yourself, so please don`t feel anyone has anything but the deepest admiration for you.

I hope the Valium does the trick.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

Dear Sue

I'm sorry you took the responses as criticism -- they weren't meant to be.

I echo what Sylvia has said. As a spouse, I know how your mum feels. It's terrifying being responsible 24/7 for a person with dementia, particularly as in many cases there is no way of getting immediate assistance without bringing down the whole weight of the emergency services.

That's absolutely no criticism of you. I know how much your dad means to you, and that you do everything you can to support.

I hope the valium works, and your mum feels she can cope.

Love,

 

[connie]

Dear Sue, you really are caught between a rock and a hard place.
I do so feel for you.

Sincerly hope that something can be worked out for your dad now that is acceptable all round. Hopefully the valium will do the trick in the short term.

I realise that you will be self funding, and forgive me if I have missed this in your previous posts but,

(most days he is left alone for most of the day).

could something not to done that would address that aspect of his care. Having been a 24/7 carer at home I can see your mums position, but maybe it is time she did have more help with your dad.

It must be so hard on you and your sisters, and I admire you for all you do.

 

[sue38]

As I said I was not at my best yesterday and realised that I was perhaps being oversensitive. I have tried to take your comments on board.

I think the difference between my Mum and a lot of spouses on here is that my Mum does not care for my Dad 24/7. She works 5 days a week (through choice, she doesn't need to from a financial point of view) and any suggestions from me and my sister (her bosses ... in name only!) to take a week or an afternoon off are met with a flat refusal. She leaves shortly after 9, returning at 12.30; and then again from 2 to till 5'ish. She has a cleaner who is there 2 morings a week and a gardener who is also there 2 mornings a week.

I have suggested sitters, but she is reluctant to have strangers in the house. We have tried the day centre to try and give my Dad some stimulation but although the reports suggest he is happy whilst he is there he gives my mum hell when he gets home, this was the problem on Thursday.

Most of the time he is quite happy for her to go to work. In a morning he will often tell her she is going to be late. This is the routine they have had for some years, so he is comfortable with it.

To be honest the problems arise when they are together!!!

 

[connie]

Dear Sue, now I see where you are coming from.

To be honest the problems arise when they are together!!!

Maybe now it is time to see just what is best for dad.
Hard, maybe, for you to see your dear father in a care home, but the right one may make all the difference.

Your mum has the right to live her life as she wants, no one should criticise her for doing what she obviously enjoys. Your dad seems to enjoy the stimulation of a day centre. Therefore my advice would be to look around at suitable care homes, before the next crisis.

There are some good ones.....admittedly they take finding, but it may well lesson any aggression your dad feels. Only my thoughts. Do so feel for you all.

 

[Margarita]

To be honest the problems arise when they are together!!!

Oh well like the saying gos
You can’t live with a man, and then you can’t live without them. Sure that work both ways.

I don’t blame your mother for still wanting to go to work; it must take her mind of in what is happening to her marriage, husband while giving her a bit of normality mixing connecting with people at work.

I must say I also find my mother hard to manage when mum gets home from day centre, she always seem in a worse mood , more demanding agitated compared to if she was at home all day with me.

I only found this as the disease progressed, it just must take it out of energy levels
I do hope you can all came to an agreement like your father says, even thought he may not really understand what that agreement is, amazing really how people with dementia can pick up on people Vibes, Just a thought may be that why your father also more challenging for your mother, because his picking up your mother vibes in how she feeling .

I am sure it do your mother a world of good ( respite care home ) in making her feel more positive with the long team care of you father at keeping him at home with her & your mother coping with the negative symptoms that the disease is giving her husband & your mother finding hard to cope with it , so your mother can still have a life of her own out side of caring for her husband .
Your mother does sound like a very balance woman in trying to keep life together for herself and you a very loving proactive daughter making sure your father go into the right respite care home , that well meet his Care needs

 

[Margarita]

Therefore my advice would be to look around at suitable care homes, before the next crisis.

Sorry I may have got the wrong end of the stick

What does you mother want ?

For your father to go into a care home for good Or Just for respite?

 

[sue38]

Update

Things have taken an unexpected twist.

Back to A&E yesterday, not with my Dad, but with my Mum who has had abdominal pain for some weeks. She has been admitted whilst they carry out tests. I have moved in with my Dad to care for him.

Thankfully my sister is back from Istanbul so we are coping between us.

Not quite the respite my mum was hoping for...

 

[jenniferpa]

OMG Sue - your poor mum (and the rest of you actually). Had she let on about this or had she been keeping it secret?

If it becomes too much to cope with, you know this is exactly what emergency respite is for.

Love