Low point

[Lanie]

Sorry, I just needed to share my feelings.

Mum's beem ill since the beginning of June, admitted to hospital mid June and still there.

Today, I can't help feeling resentful perhaps even selfish about how this disease is effecting my life. I feel that my life has been snatched away. I just revolve around work, hospital visits, trying to look after my family who I know are being neglected the most. This disease has just taken over and is effecting every thing I do. It sounds really bad but I want my life back. I want to be me again not just another victim of Alzheimers. I feel that this is only the beginning of long journey and today I just feel unable to cope. This makes me feel guilty as its my Mum who has the illness not me.

I'm tired of having to try to find the answers, of having to make the right choices. I just want some one to make this nightmare go away.

I know tomorrow is another day and somehow I'll get through it and not every day will feel as bad as I feel today.
But today is my low point, I don't want to have to be strong anymore.

Lanie

 

[BeckyJan]

It is indeed a lousy illness. I think most of us have felt as you do, but we do come out of it and thankfully tp is good for venting feelings and pulling us together.

My husband was in hospital 2-1/2 mths and I made the decision he should come home, not at this stage go into NH. It is hard but what made me do it: LOVE. That is why you will see this through - because you love your Mum.

However do reflect on the thought that your Mum, at her best, would not wish you to neglect your (and her) family. Try to balance it out. I know it is not easy but hopefully you will understand what I am trying to say. Look after youself and your family, accept as much help as is offered.

I am sure others will comment too. Love Jan

 

[Helen33]

Hi Lanie

I know just how you feel and tonight on Talking Point you don't have to be strong.

It is important though to get some of your life back especially with your family as you and they are important too. For tonight, let go of the struggle altogether but in the coming days try to find a way of having some special time just for you and your other loved ones.

Love

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Lanie,

So sorry you are feeling low. Unfortunately that along with the guilt is something that takes over our lives.

Is there any way that you can have some quality time with you family and some ME time?

Do hope you have a more easier day tomorrow.

Wishing you all the best
Christine

 

[lesmisralbles]

But today is my low point, I don't want to have to be strong anymore.

Lanie,
None of us do I don't know, being strong comes from somewhere, deep inside us.
Share on this forum, it does help
Barb & Ron XX

 

[Lanie]

Thank you, for your responses. I just need to share my feelings with people who will understand.

 

[connie]

Dear Lanie, I am so sorry that you are having such a low day.

I'm tired of having to try to find the answers, of having to make the right choices. I just want some one to make this nightmare go away.

I am sure that most carers can identify with your words.
As Christine has said, try to find a little bit of ME time. It is important.

As my Lionel has been in care now for two years I no longer have to find the answers, I no longer have to make the choices - but would still like someone make this nightmare go away.

Sending love n'hugs.

 

[julieann15]

Lanie
My mum( actually MIL) is not as bad as some on this forum- I am here to prepare myself for how bad it gets. There are many on here who have trod the steps you have and they are far more wiser than us. Grasp what they offer in advice it will stand you and me later in good stead,and then perhaps when these dark days have passed you will be there as a "glimmer of light and hope " for newcomers to this forum. Having lost my parents to cancer within 4 months i thought I was prepared but I was not- this is a "living hell" for the sufferers and the carers alike.
Keep posting- there are always people here to "listen"

Julie and Ian xx

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Lanie

You can and should get some of your life back.

All you need to do is cut back just a little on the amount of caring you provide for your mother and let the professionals in.

Easier said than done I know, but you do have a job and family to consider and must have a little bit of life for yourself too. There is no rule which says you have to take full responsibility for the care of your mother, however much you love her.

Dementia is a long term haul and we all know it won`t get easier. You do not want to allow yourself to get resentful, so try to take steps to avoid it.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

Dear Lanie

I doubt if there is anyone on this forum who has not felt as you did. It's a most dreadful disease, for both the sufferer and the carer.

It's specially hard when you also have a young family. Your family needs you, and must be your priority.

I'm afraid the nightmare is not going to go away, however hard we wish it would. So you have to start rearranging your life to adapt.

You are strong, but you are not superwoman, and that's what you are trying to be at the moment.

Can you arrange for friends to visit your mum on a rota basis, so that you don't have to go every day?

Have you any idea when your mum will leave hospital? Talk to her SW, and discuss arrangements for when she leaves. Will she be able to return home, or will it be a NH? If it's a NH, try to see what's available, and start making plans.

At the moment, life is controlling you, and you're on a treadmill. It's wearing you out.

Time to take control!

I know, it's hard, and i may be asking the impossible. But if you can only take control of one area, you'll feel so much better.

And post here, anytime you need support. We really do care.

Love,

 

[Mameeskye]

Dear Lanie

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

I think that one of the hardest things about this illness for those of us who are children caring for elderly parents but who have young kids of our own is trying to find a balance that is reasonable and makes everyone happy.

Very early on, just after my sons were born, the HV told me that I had to concentrate on my children, not my Mother as they were the future. It is a huge internal conflict that you feel and I am never sure whether you ever truly "ditch the guilt" or just learn to live with it.

I still feel a little resentment at times that my sons early years were overshadowed so much by my Mum's ill health, especially when I hear of families where nana takes the kids for the weekend to give the parents a break. But I also appreciate now how much I have done, and dealt with and am able to go forward feeling stronger.

It is often difficult confiding in your friends as they have no clue what it can be like unless they have been there. I lost track of the number who told me, I know just what it's like it happened to my granny. But it is so so different when it is your Mum and you are the filling in the sandwich as the two bits of bread are pulled apart!

It won't make it go away, but it does help to share with everyone here who truly does understand. Even if they can not offer any help or guidance I found that the messages of support, that let me know that I was not going mad, being bad in my feelings or hard-hearted really helped me.

Love

Mameeskye

 

[Lanie]

Thank you every one for your support. It really does help.

I'm glad that today, I am feeling a bit better than yesterday.
In answer to some of your responses my Mum is now awaitng discharge from hospital at present we are unable to put a package of care in place. As a full assessment of her needs has not been completed. I have spoken and met with a number of people. But we really need the assessment as I'm not sure whether we need a care home, nursing home, day centre with a package of home care. I think that is what is making it worse we appear to be in limbo at present waiting for answers so we can move forward. This isn't helping.

Lanie

 

[88alli]

hello Lanie

Just read your post Lanie. You are not alone in how you feel. But sharing those feelings with people who are in the same situation does help. I know its your Mam with this cruel illness, but the carers do suffer also. Three years we looked after our mother/mother in law and went through all the feelings you are going through. Yes you do feel robbed of your life at times and you are not wrong in how you feel. But you will have many, many times when you feel you cannot cope any longer and thats why TP is just so special a place to sit down and pour out your troubles, these people on here are so supporting and just the tonic needed for the times that lay ahead. Even though Nan passed away 19th August, I still like to log on and catch up on how everyone is doing. I will never ever forget the support we received from the members of TP. It is a lifeline to so many.
Keep strong Lanie. You are doing a great 'job'. For us at the time of being main carers we thought we maybe could do more, but now that it is all over and we have the time to sit back and reflect on those past years, we know we did everything we possibly could for Nan. We did our best to love and support her to the best of our ability, and you will feel that too one day I am sure.
With lots of love and encouragement,
Diane and Richard.
XX