Getting my Mum to face reality....?

[Peapod]

Dad's now been at his nursing home for 6 weeks or so and we're pleased at the care he's getting, despite him falling a couple of times and scaring us all!
HOWEVER my Mum is 'not getting it' as to the severity of Dad's illness (vas. dementia with Lewy Bodies) and is already talking of taking him home at some point....she's saying that his decline is mainly due to his hating where he is and that she (with help) could give him better 1-to-1 care.
She seems to have forgotten why he was admitted in the first place - he hated his home too, became doubly incontinent, didn't sleep at night and of course suffers with hallucinations/delusions as well as being very unsteady on his feet.
It's fair enough that we could get carers in 4 times a day to see to his needs, but that leaves the awful nights...
She's wearing me out! Just because Dad had a fairly 'good' and lucid week she thinks that we should even bring him home for a 'visit' next week. She's wearing herself out too and running at 100mph with different solutions and I can't keep up!
I've told her that although her motives are great it just wouldn't be practical or even fair to Dad.
What can I do? I was even thinking of getting a doctor to explain to her the downsides of what she intends. Help!

 

[Brucie]

Hmm, yes it is so very hard to accept this reality.

Speak to the nursing home to discuss setting up a worst case option of taking him home for a few days and letting her try to care for him.

It would not be nice for him as it would confuse him more, and returning would be bad for him.

However, like going cold turkey with medications, it would probably serve as a reminder to your Mum that she isn't superhuman.

At the same time as working out the worst case option, perhaps try - if you have not already - explaining to Mum that it would be unfair on your Dad, etc.

Explain that sometimes doing the best for someone is not comfortable for us, and not appreciated by the person we are desperately trying to help. That doesn't make it unnecessary.....

Good luck

 

[Margarita]

I was even thinking of getting a doctor to explain to her the downsides of what she intends

Or even the Consultant at the nursing home if there is one ?



I do feel for your mother must be so hard for your mother to except that your father can’t come home, may – be it a way of her coping with the emotional trauma she in .

 

[Peapod]

Thanks - in an ideal world poor Dad would be at home, sat in his wheelchair in the garden with Mum fussing over him - but his illness is at the 'severe' stage and I know it just wouldn't work.
He is mobile at times and I can just imagine him falling at 3am again and the trips to hospital etc. (he's already had 2 visits to casuality in the last couple of months)
I'm under no illusions where the progression of dementia is concerned and I've done a lot of 'reading up' on the illness, perhaps more so than Mum who hasn't got computer access.
I keep trying to 'break things gently' to her...

 

[Skye]

I keep trying to 'break things gently' to her...

Hi Peapod, perhaps you're being too gentle?

I know how your mum feels. I never come home from John's unit without wishing I could bring him home with me, especially on a good day for him.

But I spend enough time there to know how much care he needs, and that it takes three carers to move him from bed to chair, and to change his pads.

Would it be possible for you to talk to the manager and ask if your mum could spend a day there, and take part in all your dad's care?

That might open her eyes to the situation, and make her realise that she couldn't possibly manage, without giving your dad the trauma of a visit home.

 

[Peapod]

Thanks Skye - you're probably right about my being too gentle with Mum, it's just that she's so lost and vulnerable.
A good idea about her spending time with Dad in the NH - I'll put it to her! I just can't seem to slow her down and I'm worried that she'll blow a fuse closely followed by me.
I know Dad is in safe hands and I accept that it's not practical for him to come home. I want him to have the best quality of life where he is - as I said he's having a 'good' spell at the moment and we can still occasionally take him out in the car to local beauty spots for the odd 'picnic' - thats about as much as we can manage with his complex needs. XXXX

 

[Tarika]

I know how you feel

Dear peapod
You are not alone. I find myself in the same situation with my mother's partner. Despite her being incontinent, had two strokes and severe dementia he will not accept her condition. Instead he blames it on the nursing home and is convinced if he got her home she would be OK.
His latest scheme is to try to get a place in an extra care flat with a housing association. I keep trying to explain that it's not where she is it's the dementia but he won't listen.

At the end of the day I'm going to have to make a really big fuss, I think him spending time seeing all the care she needs is a good idea as well. I'm sure the NH is best for her and I appreciate how upset he is but her needs have to come first.

 

[Christinec]

Hi,
Yes been there and done that. Hope your outcome is more successful than ours. It is hard to deal with a parent with dementia and then watch the other parent behaving like this. I can sympathise with them but it really does not make it easier for anyone involved.

Although we are nmany months down the line from you the situation is not much better than it was when my parent first went in to permanent care.

I hope your Mum can soon accept the reality of the situation and begin to find some positives.

 

[Norman]

Hi Peapod,
Mum does not believe it because she does not want to believe it.
A very usual state of mind.
It took me a long long time to accept that there was anything wrong with my Peg,because I did not want too.
The best advice, I think, is to involve Mum in the care,help at the nursing home and then she will realise just what is involved.
Norman

 

[Peapod]

Just a bit of an update; Mum and I had a meeting at Dad's nursing home yesterday to see how he's 'progressing' there.
The manager said he was settling in and that his days were pretty much OK, but his nights are still very disturbed and he can be aggressive during the night (verbal and struggling mainly; he hasn't actually struck any of the staff).
So, I think Mum has had a bit of a 'reality check' after all, without me having to say anything to her.
Poor little lady is going through so much in her guilt and anguish for Dad. I miss him so much too, but one of us has to be stronger and I'm making sure Mum and I have quality time together even if it's just lunch in town or a bit of a shopping trip.
Thinking of you all XXXXXX

 

[Skye]

Well done, Peapod! You're doing all the right things.

Your mum is lucky to have you to support her -- and to actually realise that she needs support!

Love,