Still not sure whether we've done right thing

[Mary Em]

How do you know what's the best thing to do when your mum aged 93 with Alzheimer's still hasnt settled after 8 months in a very good care home.
She asks to come home " back to my house, I don't want to die here in this place ' I'm fed up being here, I don t need to be here. There's nothing wrong with me '...... we get it all , and every time we visit or take her out ....it seems to be worse. I don't think I can take it any more. We've tried to explain to her that she cannot live alone now, since Dad died last year. She has no insight at all into her condition. This makes it so difficult. Occasionally she seems lucid, and appears to understand , but then, of course, forgets.
It seems that whatever we do we can't do right for wrong....we take her out to some lovely places, she comes to our home, go shopping, treated her to a lovely birthday meal with family, etc ..it's never good enough.
we are damned if we do and damned if we don't.
Dare we bring her home and try a live in carer . I'm on the verge of doing just that, but my sister ad everyone says no.

 

[Amethyst59]

Well, with the best will in the world, one live in carer cannot replicate what a team in a care home can do. Have you asked the staff how your mum presents when you are not there? It is possible she is perfectly happy, and just tells you that she wants to leave.

 

[Beate]

Have you ever thought that the trips out might be the problem? They give her a glimpse of the outside world and then you take her back, trying reasoning she doesn't understand. I'm not blaming you for doing so, but taking her out of there now would be the wrong thing to do.

 

[Soobee]

It's very hard to take what feels like constant criticism, you end up thinking you're being cruel when actually you're doing the best things you can for your mum.

It could well be that she would still think it's not her home even if you did bring her home with a live-in carer. It's quite common for people with dementia to be thinking of a general place of feeling safe rather than a specific home that they miss. Could this be the case or is your mum very clear about living at her house?

Even if you did get live in carers she wouldn't accept them and may make life impossible for them - if there's a constant "I don't need help" then they may not be able to do what the people in the care home can do like provide food or personal care where required.

Amethyst is spot on that you may be just getting all the flak and your mum might be very content when she doesn't remember what she feels she has lost.