Clearing a house when someone's gone into a care home.

[Witzend]

Having done both, I think it's a lot harder clearing a house when someone's gone into a care home, than when they've died.
You feel as if you're throwing their life away. Almost inevitably there will be so much stuff nobody's going to want, even for free. You feel so disloyal, throwing out things that are so familiar.
One thing of my mother's that I kept was a wooden spoon she'd had for ever - it was worn right down on one side.

 

[YorkshireLass]

Having done both, I think it's a lot harder clearing a house when someone's gone into a care home, than when they've died.
You feel as if you're throwing their life away. Almost inevitably there will be so much stuff nobody's going to want, even for free. You feel so disloyal, throwing out things that are so familiar.
One thing of my mother's that I kept was a wooden spoon she'd had for ever - it was worn right down on one side.

I totally agree. I cleared mum's house after she had moved into care and then sold "her home". It was dreadful and all the time I wished I could tell her and she would agree it was for the best. In my heart I knew she would be distraught. In the early days she would ask if her house was still there and replied "yes" as it was but now belonged to someone else.

 

[cobden 28]

I remember fifteen years ago when my ex-mother in law died, after being in a home and with vascular dementia; her second husband, my ex's stepdad, had also died so we had to go round to their housing association flat and sort out the contents. The lounge suite went for disposal straight away as MIL was incontinent and wouldn't wear pads so the sofa was damp and smelly, wall units in the lounge went for disposal also but what affected me the most was sorting out the papers. Documents appertaining to stepdad's children from a previous marriage went to his children of course, I kept a couple of fruit bowls for my ex and I, and the carpets all had to go in the skip as well, before the flat could be redecorated ready for the next tenant. It was all so sad - MIL and her husband were both lovely people, but none of their possessions were of much use to any of us. Clothes went to the charity shop and my ex & I took on MIL's budgie because stepdad's married daughter had a C-A-T and there's been a few narrow escapes from the family cat for the budgie, so it was safest if Billy the budgie came to live with us .

 

[elvismad]

I totally agree. I cleared mum's house after she had moved into care and then sold "her home". It was dreadful and all the time I wished I could tell her and she would agree it was for the best. In my heart I knew she would be distraught. In the early days she would ask if her house was still there and replied "yes" as it was but now belonged to someone else.

That is exactly how I felt @YorkshireLass when I cleared out mums flat following her move into Assisted Living with Care in September last year. My brother, husband and I managed to get new (smaller) armchairs, coffee table , bins, etc in place prior to moving date and we moved mum from her old rented flat to her new one whilst she was out with a career for the afternoon. By the time she got there it looked as though she had lived there for ages with everything in place. To be honest, it didn't help mum as she was totally lost as to where she was, but we tried our best to surround her with things she had loved. Even months on she still accusses me of 'putting her' there as though I want rid.
There was little we could really use from the old flat. It took my husband and me best part of 2 weeks ( our annual leave) to clear the rest of the flat. So much went to charity but, as you say it felt dreadful going through her things. I doubt the next move could possibly be as traumatic.

 

[YorkshireLass]

That is exactly how I felt @YorkshireLass when I cleared out mums flat following her move into Assisted Living with Care in September last year. My brother, husband and I managed to get new (smaller) armchairs, coffee table , bins, etc in place prior to moving date and we moved mum from her old rented flat to her new one whilst she was out with a career for the afternoon. By the time she got there it looked as though she had lived there for ages with everything in place. To be honest, it didn't help mum as she was totally lost as to where she was, but we tried our best to surround her with things she had loved. Even months on she still accusses me of 'putting her' there as though I want rid.
There was little we could really use from the old flat. It took my husband and me best part of 2 weeks ( our annual leave) to clear the rest of the flat. So much went to charity but, as you say it felt dreadful going through her things. I doubt the next move could possibly be as traumatic.

I know it's horrible. I think it is the feeling that you are "doing it" to them rather than with them that is the most difficult. I have LPA for mum and when she signed those documents a few years ago giving me the right to decide where she lives etc I didn't even consider I would feel like this and I'm full sure she didn't either. This is the third time we have cleared out a lifetime of possessions in the last four years but on the other two occasions our uncle followed by father in law had died. It was difficult but no comparison to transferring possessions to charity shops and the tip when your mum is still here. Sadly it helps to know your feelings are comparable to others in the same situation xxx

 

[elvismad]

Its just all so hard @YorkshireLass, sewing on the name tags and mum not even commenting on why I would be doing that, and hoping, when she drops of to sleep unexpectedly, that this may be the end of this awful journey for her and me. Mum is suffering dreadful anxiety as well and it is heart breaking to witness this.

 

[YorkshireLass]

Its just all so hard @YorkshireLass, sewing on the name tags and mum not even commenting on why I would be doing that, and hoping, when she drops of to sleep unexpectedly, that this may be the end of this awful journey for her and me. Mum is suffering dreadful anxiety as well and it is heart breaking to witness this.

It is dreadful that's for sure. Having just returned from my afternoon visit of trauma I wholeheartedly wish every single day mum would go to sleep and just drift away and not wake up. We are on our 55th week of living in the care home and things do change but one horrible set of circumstances seems to be replaced by another set that are equally distressing. I have explored every avenue to try and alleviate the anxiety experienced by mum only to be told by the consultant on the telephone (after battling my way past the care home liaison nurse, elderly care mental health team and expressing my concerns in writing!) that these are symptoms of the Alzheimer's and anti psychotic medication brings yet more problems. Apparently anti depressant medication is not effective for people suffering with Alzheimer's and the only help is one to one care which care homes will not undertake. Really? Who could offer that level of support other than a loved one and that is impossible year after year. Goodness knows what the cost would be per month if that was adopted by the care system. I feel totally abandoned by the NHS with their "what do you expect your mother has Alzheimer's?" attitude. Maybe I am unrealistic to expect some support and monitoring of this dreadful degenerative and terminal disease other than relying on a charitable organisation. In fact it makes me wonder what is the actual purpose of "The Memory Clinic" other than to give a diagnosis and cast you adrift to cope alone. Sorry about the rant, it wasn't intended xxx

 

[watergirl73]

Having done both, I think it's a lot harder clearing a house when someone's gone into a care home, than when they've died.
You feel as if you're throwing their life away. Almost inevitably there will be so much stuff nobody's going to want, even for free. You feel so disloyal, throwing out things that are so familiar.
One thing of my mother's that I kept was a wooden spoon she'd had for ever - it was worn right down on one side.

Going through this now and she lives in the house. It used to be a home.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @watergirl73
sorry to read that you are also going through the process of clearing your mother's house
I guess if she is still living there, you are needing to declutter to make it a safer environment for her and easier to provide the care she needs
I did that a little for my dad before he needed to move into his care home - it helped me to have a cupboard, out of his sight/reach, where I put any objects or documents that had particular sentimental value, so that I didn't inadvertently lose something precious - somehow it helped me, as I knew some of the things I'd had around me all my life were safely stowed away - and once in a while I brought out an item to show dad and chat with him about it

 

[Blondee]

I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
I’m at the point of looking at care homes for my mum and thankfully will not have to go through clearing a house in any set timescale. Mum lives with me and I have already decided that I will gradually take everything she will want or need from her bedroom to the care home over a period of time before even thinking about clearing her room. Even thinking about it breaks my heart so I really feel for you. Sending you a virtual hug. Keep strong.

 

[lemonjuice]

Having done both, I think it's a lot harder clearing a house while the person is still alive, than after they've died. You feel as if you're throwing their life away. And then there are so many little things of sentimental, but not monetary, value, that you can't bear to chuck, but often have to anyway.

You know it never gets any easier. It was just over 6 years ago when I had to clear my mother's bungalow after a move into a Nursing Home. As she was still alive I felt I couldn't dispose of a lot of her things, so as I had a large garage stored them all there.

Fast forward 6 years and now my mother has died I have t finally 'clear'. I was simply going to skip it, but I'm finding there is so much stuff which is better quality and stuff I'd forgotten. I cried over a silver coffee set, which from memory was a wedding present, but I couldn't remember which relative gave it to them. It's silver and needs a god clean and I know I'm never going to be able to look after it, but I would like it to go to someone who will 'appreciate' it. Now I've brought it into the house and have 'not simply thrown it away' I have now decided it can go to a Charity Shop and make some money for them.


By the way des anyone reading know if Alzheimers Society are still doing the 'send your jewellery envelopes'?

 

[Izzy]

I just googled and found this - https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-involved/make-donation/donate-old-jewellery

 

[lemonjuice]

I just googled and found this - https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-involved/make-donation/donate-old-jewellery

Thanks Izzy.

 

[Elle3]

I have my dad's house to clear and sell which he's lived in for 55 years and I grew up in, so lots of memories. Dads only been in a care home for just over 5 weeks and it just doesn't feel right selling his house behind his back, it feels like a betrayal, even though I know he will never return there.

I haven't even started to think about it yet, at the moment I'm just nipping down there a couple of times a week to check everything is OK, to collect post and do a bit of cleaning and gardening. I know I won't be able to keep doing this and the longer I leave it, the bills will continue to come in and the maintenance will have to continue. I will have to start the process of selling his house soon, but the question is how soon? Is it better to get it over with? I realise selling it will also give me a better understanding of long his money will last, he's self funding so at present his savings are being used, but at the current care home costs this will go down pretty fast.

This is so hard.

Elle x

 

[SKD]

I will have to start doing this in a few weeks now that Mum has moved into a care home - problems exacerbated by spending this weekend clearing out the small cottage of my sister in law who died suddenly a fortnight ago. This will be the fifth clear out we have done in six years for various elderly relatives! We cleared a lot of family things when Mum downsized three years ago but there are still many objects which she has loved but which do not have a role in my life. I am going to struggle with the dinner service which was her pride and joy but which is just not my taste (and isn't dish washer proof).

 

[lemonjuice]

I am going to struggle with the dinner service which was her pride and joy but which is just not my taste (and isn't dish washer proof).

Don't know if this is of any use, but clearing out a few of my mother's things, I've thought, "Oh I can't possibly get rid of that." So home they have come. Because it means finding space in cupboards/ shelve etc. in what is already an overcrowded small bungalow, I've found that once I've brought it home and 'taken ownership', I can then say, "It is 'mine' now to dispose of and you know what? I don't think I can get full use out of it. So I'll donate it to a local charity and let someone else get some use and pleasure from it and also earn some cash for Charity."
I've just ordered 2 bags for the Alz. Soc. jewellery appeal for example.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @SKD

I am going to struggle with the dinner service which was her pride and joy but which is just not my taste (and isn't dish washer proof).

I know there are companies that deal especially in vintage chinaware and may well be interested in a complete dinner service, or an incomplete one for spares - I was trying to find a piece to match some crockery I have a while ago - maybe try an online search eg crockery finder

 

[SKD]

Thanks for the comments - taking items home may well make a difference though I still don't feel that way about Mum's jewellery. We are going to try out the crockery finding route with some of my sister in law's china. I think I will keep one or two of Mum's pieces that I will use like a sandwich plate or meat platter.

 

[jugglingmum]

I have located vintage china companies via ebay.

Out dinner service is discontinued, and so when we broke a piece we searched ebay, and the china finding companies are selling on there, along with the separate bids. I think I bought items direct from the china finding companies website.

I had a tea set which I didn't want, from my gran's when she died - and as part of clearing mum's house I got round to selling it - well trying to - it didn't sell and so daughter had used tea cups for candle making. I was aware from ebay it wasn't worth much, although a set of silver cutlery sold.

So worth using ebay as a starting point to ascertain value. Some consider selling an item they don't want and buying something they do with the proceeds, particularly jewellery, to remember the person.

 

[Sirena]

I have my dad's house to clear and sell which he's lived in for 55 years and I grew up in, so lots of memories. Dads only been in a care home for just over 5 weeks and it just doesn't feel right selling his house behind his back, it feels like a betrayal, even though I know he will never return there.

I haven't even started to think about it yet, at the moment I'm just nipping down there a couple of times a week to check everything is OK, to collect post and do a bit of cleaning and gardening. I know I won't be able to keep doing this and the longer I leave it, the bills will continue to come in and the maintenance will have to continue. I will have to start the process of selling his house soon, but the question is how soon? Is it better to get it over with? I realise selling it will also give me a better understanding of long his money will last, he's self funding so at present his savings are being used, but at the current care home costs this will go down pretty fast.

This is so hard.

Elle x

Hi Elle, you could start by putting a mail redirection in place if you haven't already done that. It was one thing which was relatively easy and it feels as if you're making some kind of progress.

https://www.royalmail.com/sites/def...special-circumstances-march-2018-20830802.pdf

IME with clearing the house it's a case of the sooner the better. We cleared my mum's flat two weeks after she went into the care home. It was rented and it would have been wrong to deplete her funds by paying £1k a month in rent for a flat she had left, so that focussed my mind. Within a month the landlords had it on the market and under offer, that was difficult to see as she'd lived there nearly 50 years and I lived there part of my childhood. It's grim, I know, but it's got to be done. You can think of it as giving him the funds to stay in his new home, if that helps at all (I know it probably doesn't).