Feel Lost!

[snowyqueen]

Hi, Need to talk about my Mom,
Mom has vascular dementia & last Oct my Dad at 81 realized he could nolonger cope, even with carers comming in. We found a residental care home with dementia places, lovely, Dad struggled everyday with guilt & so did I. Mom's aggression triggers on washing & changing clothes, also she does like a smoke & at 80, well what else has she got to enjoy. I love my parents deeply, eventhough Mom nolonger knows me, this in itself breaks my heart as I have noother siblings. I have to be strong for Dad but somedays we cry together. Now the care home states 'they can nolonger fulfill my Moms needs & wish to 'serve notice' for her to move. When I do find another care home (be it nursing)because of her agitation, and aggression who will want to take her & give her the care she needs & the understanding for her condition. It dosn't matter what medication they may try my Mom has a disease.
I feel so helpless::

 

[jc141265]

Oh Snow, I feel for you I really do. Heartbreaking.
I can't give advice on finding another home as I live in Australia, but hopefully some of the UK people will be able to help. I do know however that being told that a care home can no longer look after your loved one is something quite a few of us have experienced, and usually one is found. So again, hopefully you will be able to get some advice on here about that.
As for the rest of your post, it sounds like you have a very loving family, and try to take heart from that. I wish I had a parent I could sit down and cry with, but most of the time my mum (its my Dad with dementia) I think, thinks its better if she encourages me not to cry or dwell on things. I understand that that is her way of caring for me, but it would be nice once in a while to just be allowed to cry together. I think another reason my Mum doesn't encourage it, is because she feels that she cannot allow herself to fall apart.
I know its tough to do but you should try to let the guilt go, if both you and your Dad are in tears then its obvious that you are doing the best you can in this awful situation. Your mother would have understood if she were well.
Can I ask you to do something for me? Can you give your Dad a great big hug from me? People like you and your father who care so deeply are the kind of people that make life worth living for.
Best wishes from me, and as I said at the start I hope some people (and I am pretty sure they will) will post back to you soon with some useful advice.

 

[Grannie G]

Oh dear Snowy, what a dreadful position to be in.

I can only suggest you contact all the agencies for advice. SS, the AS Helpline, Age Concern and your mother`s GP.
Do not let the home bully you. I`m not too sure of my facts here but if you are actively seeking an alternative home for your mother, I hardly think the present home can throw her out.

 

[Carolina]

Hi, just wanted to let you know that I was in exactly the same situation as you about 6 months ago. My dad has vascular dementia and had been in his residential home (with dementia places) for eighteen months. My mon developed Parkinson's Disease and joined him in the home about a year earlier. Dad got very frustrated because he couldn't understand why mom couldn't do the things she used to, but he still tried to look after her. From time to time, there would be an 'incident', when dad would get angry and was prone to lash out at people that tried to calm him down. In February, I was told that the home could 'no longer meet his needs and was serving notice on him'. I was totally devasted. I hadn't really got over the guilt of having to put them into care and now I was being told I had to split them up again.

As dad had no nursing needs, I was advised to look for a residential home that specialised in dementia. That was easier said than done! Most residential homes didn't want to know when I told them that he could be aggressive and, after viewing a few nursing homes, I knew that they weren't the right places for my dad.

Just when I was despairing of ever finding anywhere suitable, I came across a home that did specialise in dementia, but had a residential status. They assessed dad and had no problem in taking him. It was terrible splitting up my parents, but dad is far better off at his new home. The staff there do not see his behaviour as a problem, merely a symptom of his illness. He is no longer made to feel that he is the 'naughty one', but he is totally accepted for who he is. As a result, nearly all his aggression has disappeared and he is no longer agitated or angry. He is much calmer and is quite happy there. He gets on with the other residents and thinks the world of the staff. I only wish I had found it sooner.

So, don't give up. There are good places out there, it's just a case of finding them! I note you live in the West Midlands, as I do, and wonder if there would be possibility of my dad's home being convenient for you too. I would certainly recommend it to anyone who is in the same situation.

 

[snowyqueen]

Seeking Sanctuary/Feel Lost

To All Who Answered My Thread,
Please excuse me as I am 'new' to this and 1stly apologise if I am making mistakes on how to reply.
I cannot express how much your words of solace have helped, my heart feels like it is being renched out of my body, yet I know next week I have to sit before 'Home Manager', Social Worker, Mental Health Worker, with my Dad just for us to listen to the Home serve 'notice'. What breaks my heart is only last night my Dad said 'perhaps your Mom won't loose her place there, they might change there minds' he says he feels so tired! Why is it that when people and families are so vunerable the 'system' who are supposed to support push you further under.
If anyone could 'recommend' anywhere I could approach for care I would really appreciate.
Snowy x

 

[connie]

Dear snowy, you are doing fine with your postings.

Just one thing I have to say:

If anyone could 'recommend' anywhere I could approach for care I would really appreciate.

The Alzheimer's Society do not allow recommendations on the open forum.

However there is nothing to stop information being exchanged by the Private Message system. I notice that Carolina has some ideas for you. Maybe if you PM her it might be of some value to you.

 

[Trich]

Hi Snowy,
My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel! My dad has been in a home for about the same time as your mum and we are waiting for their decision today about whether dad can stay. He has only had a couple of outbursts but as he was in a EMI unit with a specialised dementia unit we thought they would be able to cope. Well I suppose "able to" and "wanting to" are two different things. I did contact the Commission for Social Care Inspection to ask if there was a short cut to finding another home but it really is a case of trawling through every home that advertises itself as taking elderly dementia patients and asking the dreaded question! On the question of being given notice the CSCI did say that you should look at the contract which you should have been given and see exactly what conditions were set out. There might be some leeway depending on what it says. It sounds like social services are already involved so take advantage of having them at the meeting next week. I was told that if EMI dementia homes are taking social service funded residents they should be able to cope with challenging behaviour. Perhaps social services might be willing to put some pressure on the home. If they thought they might not get placements in future they might be more willing to invest in dementia/challenging behaviour training for their staff so that there would be less of this pushing from pillar to post of our loved ones.
Luv TrichX

 

[Carolina]

Dear Snowyqueen

I have sent you a PM with the name of my dad's home, which maybe of some help to you.

In my experience, the CSCI constantly told me that any home that has a registration for dementia residents should be able to deal with any level of dementia. In reality that isn't the case. I looked on their website and made a list of all homes that might be suitable and then spent one very unhappy morning telephoning them all to ask whether they would take someone with occasionally aggressive behaviour. Hardly any would. But then I did find one and, as I said before, I have been very happy with the care they offer and, more importantly, so is my dad.

I wish you good luck in finding a suitable place and if you can get to my dad's home, even if only to look round, then I think it would be worthwhile.

 

[jc141265]

Oooh Connie! Don't scare her the bold type looks very intimidating!! lol I know it needed to be said and made clear...so not having a go at you...I just also think that maybe I should say here to Snowy don't worry you are not in trouble!!!
Connie as moderator just has to ensure the rules are known, especially when new people aren't familiar with them. There aren't many rules, so don't worry too much about whether you can or can't say things...this one I assume is just about the legalities that arise when entities are seen to be promoted or slandered by this site, which is run under the alzheimers org. We can talk about things, places and people so long as we don't name them. The rule keeps everybody safe and allows the org to run this site without being accused of bias.
Only reason I am bothering with this post is in case if Snowy is like me when I am already stressed out and feeling like I am about to fall apart...one little strong word, that makes me feel like I have done something wrong...can sometimes be the straw that breaks the camel's back and I find myself in tears about it, even if it is the silliest little thing and I wasn't in trouble in the first place.
Best wishes again to you Snowy, and your reply turned out fine...so I think you are getting a handle on how to use this site.

 

[snowyqueen]

Nat,Caroline,Trich,& CONNIE

THANK YOU XXXX
I'm sure I'll get the hand of this. I must say when Connie mentioned PM my instant reaction was Prime Minister, not that he could help