Care home visiting

[smartieplum]

I know it is a very personal thing but how often do you all visit your relatives in their care home setting. I want mum to settle in well and not upset her but I feel so anxious about it. I know these things take time and I work 4 full days so wonder if evening visiting might upset her. I've been trying to go just every 2nd day but that old anxiety rears its ugly head.

 

[Helly68]

I work 4.5 days per week and visit my Mum in residential care twice a week. I go on a Sunday - we used to go out for coffee, but she has now declined too much for that, and on a Wednesday afternoon. My Dad also goes twice a week. I waited a few days after she arrived, to let her settle in and we now have a routine.

 

[istherelight?]

Hello, @smartieplum.
Purely from my own perspective....My Mum has been in her CH for a year and I visit her two to three times a week; more if she's unwell (she had shingles a little while ago). I work mainly from home and only part-time so I have more flexibility than you and I can go anytime theoretically. I wasn't keen on evening visiting as Mum would "sundown" but if that is the only time you can visit then so be it. A chat to the CH might be a good idea.

I found that I became very tired and couldn't "switch off" in the early days when I was visiting a lot. Fate intervened as the home went into "lockdown" three times with various illnesses and visitors were discouraged ( not forbidden, obviously). Mum had no idea that she hadn't seen me for a week. Your Mum may be much more aware, however. As you say, it's very personal.

 

[Amy in the US]

Smartieplum, it's hard to know what will work best. You may have to try some different days and times to find the right fit for you.

My mother was so agitated by me, and it was so unpleasant for me to hear all the accusations, that I did not visit her for almost two months after she moved into her care home. My husband went once a week on weekends, during the day, usually around lunchtime. As yet seemed to work well, when I started visiting, we kept that pattern. Her best time is from about 10 am to 1 or 2 pm. She isn't good first thing in the morning and some days, the sundowning could start as early as 2 or 3. Evening visits are usually met with sundowning and increased confusion, but if we need to drop something off or talk to staff or just check on her, we do it anyway, we just don't stay.

We visit about every two weeks, which has been our "average," for the three years she has been in care. Sometimes I go on my own during the week, sometimes OH will go on his own over the weekend, usually we both go together on the weekend.

I think it all depends, and you just have to do what works. I hope you are able to figure something out. Best wishes.

 

[smartieplum]

It's so hard. When she was in hospital and then intermediate care I was fine. Now she has moved into permanent care i am grief stricken. It's the only way I can describe it. I think it's the finality if it. I've always lived with her, she's my best pal and we had a great time together. I hate feeling this. I hate visiting and not visiting.

 

[Helly68]

Smartieplum it may help, if your mother is able, to have a purpose for the visit. E.g. going out for a coffee if possible, knitting, reading aloud or putting photos up in her room. I think this helps you both to still feel a part of each other's lives.

I don't know about you, but Mum and I didn't often sit with each other for two hours just talking, even when she was well, and visits can turn into this.

When my mum first went into care, even though she had been going to the same place during the day, I couldn't stop crying after I left her. She has actually been very happy at the home and I think I got upset because of what dementia has done to our whole family, not just my Mum. Although she is in a decline at the moment, she is settled and I believe it was the right thing for her.

 

[Amy in the US]

Ah, that must make it extra difficult, with you and your mum being so close. This is such a terrible disease, and the damage it inflicts is not limited to the person with the diagnosis.

My situation was vastly different to yours in terms of the relationship, but I well remember when my mother was new to the care home. If I visited, I felt miserable, and if I didn't visit, I felt miserable and guilty. I cried buckets after every visit and it was awful.

All of that got better with time. It could get better for you as well. A hospital stay is one thing, and horrible in its way, but a move to a care home is something else. This is a big adjustment, for everyone. Please try to be kind to yourself.

I am sorry you are in such distress.

 

[istherelight?]

I didn't live with my Mum but we are very close. It must be very hard for you as you and your Mum lived together and I hope that time will help to ease your grief.
It's so hard isn't? But I remain very involved with Mum and spend lots of time thinking of things she might need or that might make her happy. When I look at clothes, I think of what I can get for her that she would like, and I compile photo albums for her, buy her poetry books, play her favourite music on my I-phone (bought specially for this purpose) and continue to love her as much as ever.
You are still the same to each other

 

[love.dad.but..]

I stopped work to look after dad. In the early days of his NH when I could persuade him to sit down long enough I would put a favourite comedy dvd on, sit with the newspaper abd point things out to him..understanding of reading etc had gone but he seemed to like it...I took an easy ready drawn painting book for us to do together...attention span varied depending on mood...I would take a small cake each and make tea or took cheese and biscuits...massaged his hands with nice smelling hand cream...did foot care..looked through his timeline photo album I had done for him....things like that which all gave me invaluable communication as it gradually became one way...if he was grumpy he wouldn't engage so I ditched plans and would not stay long. If it was a walking the corridor day...I walked as he held my hand and I chatted all the way...saying hello to anyone and every one! You will find a routine and regularity that suits you and your life try not to fret about it as you will ease into it naturally. If you can't or don't feel like visiting one day your mum will still be fine. I visited every other day but that suited me. Eventually he became uninterested in most things but I knew I had given him the opportunity when it mattered

 

[smartieplum]

I've been bringing up her clothes, a lovely lamp we have in the living room is now in her room, she has her Tyler the Tiger which she loves. I make her tea and we chat and walk around the home. She also has photos and other wee bits. She also has her favourite music on a USB stick. But the sadness is overwhelming. Any tips on when would be the best time for taking her out. Should I wait a few week? I'd like to take her for a coffee and she loves shopping.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I never took dad out as he took 4 months or so to settle however I would ask the care staff their thoughts on timing

 

[Helly68]

I think my Mum had been there for about a week when I took her out, but our trips out for coffee had been a regular thing since before she went into the home and I felt she had settled. I always took her back around lunch time, so that she had something to occupy her as I left. Made it easier for both of us. Before going out, I always checked she had her daily meds and signed us out, and back in in the book, in case of fire.

 

[istherelight?]

I took Mum out after a few weeks, once she was a bit less disorientated. The CH actually suggested it - they thought it would be good for both of us. We had always gone out to garden centres for lunch so that was our first outing. It was somehow so NORMAL, after all the pain and upset.
The sadness comes back at times, of course, but things do seem to settle down and the rawness fades. Normality now is seeing Mum in her "new" home, where I make us a cup of tea and we eat chocolate biscuits, look at her photos and admire her cat ( not the real thing but does just as well).
I leave knowing that she is safe, clean, well-fed and cared for....and that she will have forgotten I just visited!

 

[saskia]

It's so hard. When she was in hospital and then intermediate care I was fine. Now she has moved into permanent care i am grief stricken. It's the only way I can describe it. I think it's the finality if it. I've always lived with her, she's my best pal and we had a great time together. I hate feeling this. I hate visiting and not visiting.

I feel like this every minute of every day. It is a form of grief....old mum will never come back & that's what my I grieve for....all the while visiting & trying to be ' normal' for mum ..its heartbreaking daily.

On the days I don't visit, I call or text & have a good relationship with a few staff, who whatsapp me pics of mum..even videos of her having cuddles with the carers..but then that breaks my heart as it's not me.......

Sas xxx

 

[saskia]

& I take mum out shopping..its our norm as well

The only thing I have to watch..is that in our local co op , she picks up everything she thinks she needs I e milk, bread..i have to discreetly put it back. She always forgets by the time we get to the tills.......

 

[smartieplum]

& I take mum out shopping..its our norm as well

The only thing I have to watch..is that in our local co op , she picks up everything she thinks she needs I e milk, bread..i have to discreetly put it back. She always forgets by the time we get to the tills.......

I can totally empathise. This is my feelings totally. Grief. It's just horrible. I've cried all day.

 

[Kikki21]

It is really hard to measure what is right @smartieplum - at the moment, we don’t have a routine as we don’t live in the same area as my mum’s care home. We will be in the area over the next few days as we will be making a start clearing out my mum’s stuff out of her house.

And we need to get our suitcases back as they are stored at her house as we are going on our hols soon.

With any luck, we will be moving back to the area ASAP so our care home visits will go up even if we don’t stay for ages. I’m afraid my relationship with my mum hasn’t been great pre dementia & during dementia so I was never one for loads of visits. Once or twice a week at most although we visited her nearly every single day when she was at the big hospital. She doesn’t get too many people visiting her.

 

[saskia]

I can totally empathise. This is my feelings totally. Grief. It's just horrible. I've cried all day.

& you'll cry more..... Like I do every time I have a bath ( my mum loved her baths..but has refused since being in the home) everytime i watch a good tv prog & just want to chat to mum about it. Today..i had tears as one of my cousins has posted a wedding invite & has included mum..but its in Sept & she's detioriarating daily, so i know itll b a no go.

Hate the guilt I feel daily/ hate visiting / hate NOT visiting ...hate dementia
Thinking of you x

 

[smartieplum]

& you'll cry more..... Like I do every time I have a bath ( my mum loved her baths..but has refused since being in the home) everytime i watch a good tv prog & just want to chat to mum about it. Today..i had tears as one of my cousins has posted a wedding invite & has included mum..but its in Sept & she's detioriarating daily, so i know itll b a no go.

Hate the guilt I feel daily/ hate visiting / hate NOT visiting ...hate dementia
Thinking of you x

Thank you. My nephew (and mum's favourite boy) is getting married in July. Mum obviously can't go but in her heyday would have loved it.

And I agree with everything you say. Sending you a warm hug. X

 

[70smand]

It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. My Dad was in a psychiatric hospital for 3 months prior to going to a nursing home 1 year ago. I visited him daily at first at alternate times to my mum so he wasn’t on his own for long. I stayed for hours as I couldn’t bear to leave him there- but it was awful with nothing for him to do and no one talking to him. I couldn’t eat and was a bit of a wreck. My mum told me I didn’t need to visit so much but I couldn’t not.
Once transferred to a nursing home I sobbed but tried to be strong and support my mum. Mum has cared for him for years and it was heart wrenching when we knew she could no longer care for him at home. We absolutely hated it at first but the second day I walked into the home to visit him I found him in the lounge dancing with the staff to an entertainer singing- I was so happy! But I still managed to crash my car on my way to visit to him on the third day as I was too stressed and not sleeping ( no-one hurt though!). We had so many plans to keep taking him out but he deteriorated so much that I realised it was mostly for our benefit that we were doing it and not his. Mum visits daily every afternoon and I go in 2-3 times a week but whereas I used to visit dad in the mornings through lunch so I could feed him, opposite mum I now go when she visits as dad has deteriorated so much and she sits with him in his room and I keep her company too. I always visit more if he is unwell or my mum sounds like she needs some support as I talk to her daily.
The guilt hasn’t gone away but you must look after yourself. My poor husband is an absolute rock. I also feel extremely angry with this whole disease and the speed dad is now deteriorating. I don’t enjoy shopping at Costco’s now because I used to take dad to give mum a break. We would walk round for hours trying samples and looking at all manner of things we had no intention of buying.
Dad has no idea if he saw me yesterday or last week but I always get a smile and a lovely reaction from him, and I can always make him laugh. if I thought my visits made him distressed at all I would not visit so much. I’m just trying to support my lovely mum through all this now. Sorry to go on on your thread, once I start I just can’t stop. I think you are right about the grief being due to the finality of it though Smartieplum. Sending hugs to you x