Dad unsettled again

[jack29]

Dad seemed to have settled well into his CH however of the last 10 days or so he has seemed angry and upset.
Every time I visit he asks how long he has to be in this prison....he has no freedom...they won't let him out of the door...and it's all my fault for leaving him there. I have tried to explain why he can't live alone and that he needs to be in a CH but he does not understand my reasoning. I am feeling so guilty....when I talk to the CH they say he's fine and seems happy when I am not around....so do you think he just feels like this when I visit.....it's tearing my heart out to see him like that!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Jack

I am now having an identical conversation with my husband that you had with your father. The only difference is my husband is still at home with me and not in a CH.

My husband is trapped here , feels he is in prison or a concentration camp, has no freedom and will go mad if he doesn`t get out.

So please don`t feel guilty. Your father is in a CH for a good reason, because he would be at risk if left to care for himself.

See if you can get the care home to arrange for you to be `a fly on the wall`. You might be reassured seeing your father in the home if he is unaware you are there.

 

[jenniferpa]

Firstly Jack, you're going to have to get over the idea that explanations are going to do any good at all - as far as your father is concerned there's nothing wrong with him so obviously he doesn't need to be there. Logic won't work, explanations won't work. Although it's difficult a kindly "lie" might be the best thing if you can think of one - you can't go home because the council are making repairs, you can't go home until your (pick an ailment) has improved, you've paid for the month (week/year). Whatever works. He probably isn't like this when you're not there, because you remind him of what he once had. That's very difficult for you, and you probably are going to feel guilty but you know this is the way it has to be.

Edited to add: About guilt. I tend to separate guilt into 2 types. There's the guilt you experience when you have failed to do something that you could have done, and the guilt that you experience when you fail to do something that you could have done had circumstances been different. The latter type you need to let go off. You may well feel sad about it, but you should not feel guilty.

 

[Christinec]

Hi Jack

Such good replies.

My Mum says near every visit with "I hate this place", "I want to go home"and this is a prison. it is horrible to listen to and I understand how upset you must feel - I often feel the same. But at home she would say how unhappy she was and that she needed to be somewhere else. I think the poor sufferer is looking for the home - the place they were well and content- the illness robs them of that home. I remind myself that m Mum is there because she is ill. Where she is looks after her well so sometimes you kid yourself in to believing that she could go home however after only a few minutes with Mum I am remind me how much she needs this environment of 24/7 care.

Like Jenifer says rational explanations are difficult. I try to change the subject or at a real push say "The doctor has decided and we cannot do much about it right now." I know that my Mum would never challenge a doctor(she has kept many social skills), will not remember I have said this and that now she is unlikely to even recognise that the person visiting is a doctor.

I have got so good at lying over the last few years but I do it for her sake. Lying a lot about dead relatives as well at present using the experience of other members on the site to quide me on the best route for Mum with this other difficult issue.

Hope it helps to know that this is happening to others.

 

[jack29]

Thank you all for your replies. Each and everyone of them helps..I know Dad is in the best and only place that could look after him. I tried for over 2 years to do it myself by calling in on him 3 times a day, 7 days a week and still found him collapsed on the floor on numerous occasions...coupled with the fact he was an alcohlic, is a diabetic, has lost most of his toes, has had a triple heart bypass and sleep apnea and now dimentia on top of all that....suppose it's that guilt thing.

Thanks you all for your support

 

[Margaret W]

The replies give good advice. With my mum it was "I'm going to have to get out of here soon and get a place of my own". At first I argued with her till friends on this site said no, tell her "we'll think about that in a few weeks time" or "that's a good idea, I'll invesigate for you". Pretty soon the idea is forgotten. Phew!!

REgards

Margaret