Mum has advanced vascular dementia

[Jivebunny]

My mum has had dementia for around five years, unfortunately it wasn't properly diagnosed until 2016 after many attempts by myself and my sister advising him that he needs to get a proper diagnosis for mum, my dad partially came out of denial and followed through the process of getting mum diagnosed. Anyway to cut a long story short my mum has been diagnosed with advanced vascular dementia. She is now unable to walk, talk, eat by herself and is incontinent and has a stoma bag. My dad is doing a grand job looking after her on a full time basis at home along with carers who visit three times a day. However i see mum going down hill and he just does not see this and makes up his own reasons why she is like this, I find it heart wrenching. I now believe she is beginning to suffer. Unfortunately mum can't communicate when she is in pain or discomfort, I can only go on facial expressions.

I advise on various matters only to get a short Sharpe retaliatory answer which can end up in an argument. I now longer advise just to keep the peace but I continue to see my mum going down hill and is suffering and believe she would be better off in a nursing home. The only person dad will listen to are professionals such as a GP. Although I have a joint power of attorney I can't over rule his decisions. He said that he will have mum at home even if it kills him. She needs proper care with stimulus. My dad refuses to take rest bite care and believes the best care for mum is at home.


I respect my father an awful lot for wanting to look after mum but I feel useless when I see her in such a state at home, when I believe she could get better 24 hour care in a proper nursing home.


I now find this heart wrenching when I go round to see them both and each visit now gets harder. Just don't know what to do?

 

[Grannie G]

Your dad's frightened to let go @Jivebunny. He would feel guilt if he let anyone else help, I`m sure he thinks he should be the one , the only one to take care of your mother and can't admit he might need help.

Some people find help from outsiders intrusive and because they have never experienced it, have no idea how it works.

Perhaps the National dementia Helpline may have some better suggestions. Why don't you phone them and see what they can suggest.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/...6.1135785074.1518389407-1604875082.1508255841


0300 222 1122

Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

 

[canary]

Hello @Jivebunny and welcome to Talking Point.

Unfortunately mum can't communicate when she is in pain or discomfort, I can only go on facial expressions.

I dont know whether your mum has reached this stage yet, but when people get to the advanced stage they lose the ability to smile and when they try and smile they can only grimace.

 

[Oasis2]

Hello @ Jivebunny, My dad is exactly the same, my mom is now in the final stage and bed bound, unable to do anything and she is asleep 90% of the time. I've had the same conversation with my Dad, every time it has fallen on deaf ears. She is still at home to this day with carers coming in 4 times a day. He does however have carers in twice a week, so he can have a couple of hours off on an evening to go and see his friend. My Dad will never let her go into care, I think he feels it is his duty to look after her. My problem with this is that my Dad is now 71 and mine and my kids relationship with my Dad is now suffering.
Good Luck with everything