Finally got diagnosis

[Chelle52]

I have been trying to get a diagnosis for my mum for 2 years and after a brain scan, mum has been diagnosed with moderately severe mixed dementia . I tried to talk to her about how she felt but she refuses to accept it and just says that the doctor said everything was ok and she had nothing to worry about . My dad also seems unable to accept it and says that the doctor said she is in very early stages - even though they know I was there and am fully aware of what was said . Dad thinks we should have ignored it and that we've just upset mum needlessly . I was hoping we might get mire support for mum but I don't think she'll accept it anyway . I just wondered if other people had experienced this and how they dealt with it . Thanks

 

[karaokePete]

If bad news is given early in a consultation nothing that follows may sink in. Afterwards anticipatory grief with what seems like denial can set it. All of this happened with my wife. The grief takes time and as for the diagnosis, I requested a copy of the Consultants report so that we had it in black and white.

The diagnosis can be a shock but it's important from the point of view of getting medication that may help as well as back-up from the various services if/when that is eventually needed.

 

[Kevinl]

It's just denial, some people cope best that way and sometimes it's better to let then do that than keeping confronting them with the diagnosis. If they refuse to accept it then it's probably better if you side with them and manage the situation rather than side with the enemy and keep trying to tell them both something they don't want to hear and which in their minds isn't true.
I wasn't in denial when my wife was diagnosed but I do wish the **** it wasn't the first thing the kids kept prattling on about when she couldn't cope with a situation.
If your dad thinks that you're "should have ignored it and that we've just upset mum needlessly" then maybe he's right, I kept our kids at arm's length when they felt confronting the situation was the best way to talk to her.
I'm not being judgemental, you're coping it your way, if it's not their way then they're the ones doing it 24/7 and having to live with the reality of your mum's condition and how they deal with it on a day to day basis.
K

 

[Chelle52]

It's just denial, some people cope best that way and sometimes it's better to let then do that than keeping confronting them with the diagnosis. If they refuse to accept it then it's probably better if you side with them and manage the situation rather than side with the enemy and keep trying to tell them both something they don't want to hear and which in their minds isn't true.
I wasn't in denial when my wife was diagnosed but I do wish the **** it wasn't the first thing the kids kept prattling on about when she couldn't cope with a situation.
If your dad thinks that you're "should have ignored it and that we've just upset mum needlessly" then maybe he's right, I kept our kids at arm's length when they felt confronting the situation was the best way to talk to her.
I'm not being judgemental, you're coping it your way, if it's not their way then they're the ones doing it 24/7 and having to live with the reality of your mum's condition and how they deal with it on a day to day basis.
K

Thank you for this . I can see it from mum and dads point and I definitetely won't keep going on about it . Your words have definitely made me think so thank you .

 

[Chelle52]

If bad news is given early in a consultation nothing that follows may sink in. Afterwards anticipatory grief with what seems like denial can set it. All of this happened with my wife. The grief takes time and as for the diagnosis, I requested a copy of the Consultants report so that we had it in black and white.

The diagnosis can be a shock but it's important from the point of view of getting medication that may help as well as back-up from the various services if/when that is eventually needed.

Thank you for your reply . The support in the future was the main reason I pursued a diagnosis . My dad is 84 and I know he will struggle with this and although I will help all I can , I have a full time job which I have to do and I want to be able to access support for him in future .

 

[canary]

Its good that youve got a diagnosis and will be needed for when your dad needs further help, but best not to talk about it in front of your mum.
My mum never did accept that she had dementia - she used to says she was perfectly well and kept herself very fit - so I used to talk about her "memory problems" which she was OK with.

 

[Chelle52]

Its good that youve got a diagnosis and will be needed for when your dad needs further help, but best not to talk about it in front of your mum.
My mum never did accept that she had dementia - she used to says she was perfectly well and kept herself very fit - so I used to talk about her "memory problems" which she was OK with.

Thank you . my mum says exactly the same thing ! However she won't even accept that she has a memory problem . But I will not discuss it anymore in front of her . Like you say , we have the diagnosis in case we need further help and it helps us to understand why mum behaves as she does but otherwise we don't need to discuss it again .

 

[canary]

Just to mention:
Now you have the diagnosis, you/your dad can apply to have Council Tax exemption for your mum, which should result in your dad being classed as a single occupant of the house and a reduction in the tax.
He can also apply for Attendance Allowance (get Age UK to help with the form) on your mums behalf.
Your mum doesnt have to know about either of these two things, but they are things that are non-means tested and she would be entitled to.

 

[Chelle52]

Thank you . I didn't know that. It's something we can look at when things have settled down a bit .

 

[AngnMam]

Hi.
My dad was diagnosed with mixed 3 weeks ago and I don’t know if he is in denial or can’t really remember what he has been told. I’ve decided to mention it a little as possible, so only when I had to talk to him about informing DVLA and I still managed to not say it. It’s as if it’s delivering bad news every time. My mum is wanting him to accept it and is getting frustrated. I’m not sure how we will go about medication if doctors decide he is suitable because how can he decide to take it and the whole titration process will be reminding him everyday. It’s so hard.

 

[Slugsta]

It is not simply 'denial', it is a part of the dementia. It is called 'anosagnosia' and means not knowing that you don't know. It is part of the subconscious trying to protect itself and many people with dementia (PWDs) go through it.

There is no point in insisting that someone has dementia. It will upset them and it is possible that they will never really accept it. Try to talk about 'memory problems' or even find other reasons for things.

There is a leaflet somewhere on this site that explains 'compassionate communication'. This is not always possible but it does make many things easier, so it is worth looking at.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @AngnMam
welcome to TP
this is what slugsta mentioned
http://www.ocagingservicescollabora...te-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.pdf
and the thread
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/sho...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

and these deal with anosognosia
http://alzonline.phhp.ufl.edu/en/reading/Anosognosia.pdf

if your dad takes other pills, don't say much about what any new ones will be for, just have them added them to the dosette box from the chemist, or say they are for something your dad will accept, or that they are vitamins .... welcome to the concept of 'love lies' to make things easier for the person you're caring for

 

[Chelle52]

Hi.
My dad was diagnosed with mixed 3 weeks ago and I don’t know if he is in denial or can’t really remember what he has been told. I’ve decided to mention it a little as possible, so only when I had to talk to him about informing DVLA and I still managed to not say it. It’s as if it’s delivering bad news every time. My mum is wanting him to accept it and is getting frustrated. I’m not sure how we will go about medication if doctors decide he is suitable because how can he decide to take it and the whole titration process will be reminding him everyday. It’s so hard.[/QUOTE

I really think mum doesn't remember or understand which I'm happy about in a way because she's always been a very anxious person and the 'old mum' would never be able to handle this but like you say, how will we get her to take medication fir something she doesn't know she has ? My worry is more my dad though , as he's the one that's going to have to deal with this 24/7 but he believes mum over me and my sister and even the doctors so that's going to be difficult - to be honest we think he possibly also has dementia but I can't even bear to think about that ! It's such an incredibly difficult situation to negotiate isn't it .

 

[Chelle52]

It is not simply 'denial', it is a part of the dementia. It is called 'anosagnosia' and means not knowing that you don't know. It is part of the subconscious trying to protect itself and many people with dementia (PWDs) go through it.

There is no point in insisting that someone has dementia. It will upset them and it is possible that they will never really accept it. Try to talk about 'memory problems' or even find other reasons for things.

There is a leaflet somewhere on this site that explains 'compassionate communication'. This is not always possible but it does make many things easier, so it is worth looking at.

Thank you very much for all this useful info . I will definitely look for that leaflet