i just wish I could come to terms with the guilt of not being there for my lovely mum when she finally gave up her life to this awful illness 3 months ago. I had been there with her every day in the year she was in her care home, holding her hand, telling her constantly that I loved her and trying to help her adjust to this new way of living her life. She never settled but received amazing care that I could no longer give her. In her final weeks, losing more than half her body weight, refusing to eat and drinking very little I knew she was coming to the end of her life and the doctor had said that she only had a little time left. Mum was ready to go and she said that she didn’t want to go on living. I kept hoping that she would pass quickly and not have to endure any more suffering. On her last day my brother and I had stayed with her all day but then just popped home for a couple of hours rest. Then came the dreaded call from the care home to say that she had gone. Why oh why did I not stay for just a few hours more to be there with her at the end. I had been with her daily but just wasn’t there at the end and for that I don’t know if I can forgive myself and let go the overwhelming guilt I feel.
Cannot come to terms with the guilt of not being there when mum died
- Thread starter Scouts girl
- Start date
The same thing happened to me @Scouts girl
I stayed with mum day and night for 3 days and no-one could understand how she was still hanging on, but then I had to go home to check my OH was OK. Once I got home I got the call to say she had passed away 10 mins after I left.
A very experienced carer there said that had seen this many times - they wait until family has gone and then pass away. This carer said that she knew mum had been waiting for something, but didnt know at the time what it was. She had encouraged me to tell mum that I loved her, it was OK to go and was the right time - which I did. What she had obviously been waiting for was me to go. She didnt want to upset me by passing away while I was there.
I stayed with mum day and night for 3 days and no-one could understand how she was still hanging on, but then I had to go home to check my OH was OK. Once I got home I got the call to say she had passed away 10 mins after I left.
A very experienced carer there said that had seen this many times - they wait until family has gone and then pass away. This carer said that she knew mum had been waiting for something, but didnt know at the time what it was. She had encouraged me to tell mum that I loved her, it was OK to go and was the right time - which I did. What she had obviously been waiting for was me to go. She didnt want to upset me by passing away while I was there.
I had a similar experience @Scouts girl. My mum didn’t have dementia but when she died I had just left her hospital bed to go for a few hours rest and I still think about it, even though it was 30 years ago.
I think there is a lot of truth in what @canary has written as, when she was still conscious my mum passed her wedding ring over to my SiL to be given to me when she passed. I had a wonderful relationship with my mum and she showed this by passing the ring while she could so maybe she did want to spare me the moment of passing. Maybe your mum did this too. In any event I wish you strength at this time - just know that you were there when your mum needed you.
I think there is a lot of truth in what @canary has written as, when she was still conscious my mum passed her wedding ring over to my SiL to be given to me when she passed. I had a wonderful relationship with my mum and she showed this by passing the ring while she could so maybe she did want to spare me the moment of passing. Maybe your mum did this too. In any event I wish you strength at this time - just know that you were there when your mum needed you.
Ok...It was very similar for me dad's first anniversary coming up on 8 March so these 2 weeks are full of reflection and sadness...could I have done anything else anything different. No I wish with all my heart things had been different ie not dementia....but I did the best I could as I had always done and that included staying with him in hospital for 5 days making the decision to stop iv fluids and antibiotics then stayed at his NH for 8 days. Dad was in unconscious for the last 7 days I did everything I could for him...given lastrites...chatting...holding...checking he was comfortable and painfree....each day and night I thought this is it but he held on. On the 7 th day I stayed I had booked ages ago local theatre tickets for my OH birthday and he had gone through a tough year with chemo. Dad had entered the cheyne stokes breathing stage and with OH support he left it up to me to decide to go and I just
Didnt know what to do. Chatting with staff who promised to sit with him I decided to go...left it as late as possible...thought when I get back to Dad after the show he would still be the same..had literally just taken our seats and the NH phoned. I would have like to have stayed and had regret that I didn't but no...I didn't feel guilty. Dad would have understood and importantly I had been there all the time he needed me and when I could make a difference in the previous 4 years. I left the theatre immediately and he was still warm when I arrived so I was able to make all the arrangements checked he looked his usual smart self...he didn't arŕive in just his underpants so he certainly wasn't going to leave in just them and put on his Latin mass which was lovely in the background while so sat and said a few prayers and chatted and sobbed. The carer sitting with dad had just left his room to pop to the toilet when dad died so although he had no one with him at that moment which often happens as soon as someone steps out but actually that was ok...felt peaceful natural and dignified and probably stoic dad would havecpreferred that.Feel regret that dementia took us all on this horrible ride but don't feel guilty about not being there at the moment of death...you were absolutely there when your mum needed you and that is the important thing
Thank you so much for your replies and comforting to know that you all know how I am feeling. I hope in time that I will overcome the guilt and reassure myself that I was there for her during her dementia journey and that was so blessed to have such a wonderful mum and friend for 68 years of my life. Take care all of you and hope in time we can remember our loved ones with more smiles than tears.
Please try not to beat yourself up over this. I know that is easier to say than do. I have had personal experience both with my father and father-in-law. My father had rung early in the morning to say he wasn't feeling ok, and that he was going back to bed. I lived a distance from him, then got the phone from a friend of his who had taken his dog for a walk, to say he had gone when they arrived back. the "if only" then struck. we are in a situation now with "mother-in-law", we should be going to a funeral next week a hundred miles away, had arranged for someone to sit with her, she now has sever fluid retention and slight pneumonia, have cancelled everything, "just in case"!
@Scouts girl, I'm sorry you are so distressed.
My father-in-law, who had cancer, actually engineered for all of us to be gone from hospital the day he died. He asked us to arrange an outing for the grandchildren and insisted everyone, including his wife, my MIL, should go. So we were all over an hour away when we got the call from hospital that afternoon. Several of the nurses told me that they often see a patient will wait to be alone, or send family away, before passing. I have heard the same thing from my support groups.
I don't know if that offers any comfort, but it might help, a bit, to know that this is not uncommon.
My father-in-law, who had cancer, actually engineered for all of us to be gone from hospital the day he died. He asked us to arrange an outing for the grandchildren and insisted everyone, including his wife, my MIL, should go. So we were all over an hour away when we got the call from hospital that afternoon. Several of the nurses told me that they often see a patient will wait to be alone, or send family away, before passing. I have heard the same thing from my support groups.
I don't know if that offers any comfort, but it might help, a bit, to know that this is not uncommon.
Thank you silver star and Amy. Yes I too have heard that a person will wait to be on their own before passing. Mum was not aware of what was happening to her in her last few days so I can only hope that her passing was as peaceful as the care staff reassured me was. My thoughts are with you silver star at this difficult time for you. It is just the ‘not knowing’ that is hard isn’t it.
Hi Scoutsgirl, we lost our lovely mums around the same time I seem to remember and I too was not there. I was called to say she had maybe hours and I had gone to work on a day I don't normally work so was consequently further away than usyal (a good 4 hours). I went as quickly as I coukd but she passed literally as I was in the building. I had got my hubby to contact both my brothers who were nearer and they were both there, along with mums sister, and dad. I was deeply upset I didn't make it, if only I hadn' agreed to work that day, or if dad had told me the day before how bad it was. But mum was surrounded by others who loved her. I had said goodbye the previous week, with a strong feeling that would be the last time. She blew me a kiss and we both laughed. That's the memory I hold dear.
I don' have answers that will take away your pain, but I hope for you that you will come to terms with it, thinking instead about all you did for her and the memories you hold. 3 months isn' long, you are still grieving, be kind to yourself.
My pain at the moment is mothers day but that' another thread to start.
Hugs to you. Keep writing
I don' have answers that will take away your pain, but I hope for you that you will come to terms with it, thinking instead about all you did for her and the memories you hold. 3 months isn' long, you are still grieving, be kind to yourself.
My pain at the moment is mothers day but that' another thread to start.
Hugs to you. Keep writing
I wouldnt be so sure about that. My mum seemed to be totally unresponsive and oblivious to her surroundings, but I have heard that hearing is the last thing to go and mum was definitely hanging on for something. Im sure its not coincidence that I stayed with her all that time and then she passed away within 10 min of me leaving.
Thank you both for your replies. Yes they do say hearing is the last sense to go and I just hope that mum could hear me telling her how much we all loved her in her last few days.
Let’s try and do something that our mums would have enjoyed on Mother’s Day, going to be hard having the first one without her but will try and remember all the happy times we had on previous Mothers Days. Hugs to you both too and yes keep writing. Knowing how you all are feeling and coping does help so much.
Let’s try and do something that our mums would have enjoyed on Mother’s Day, going to be hard having the first one without her but will try and remember all the happy times we had on previous Mothers Days. Hugs to you both too and yes keep writing. Knowing how you all are feeling and coping does help so much.
In my family it seems to be regular thing that our loved ones die whilst close family members were not there and it's almost as though they want to depart on their own. My own Dad died in hospital when nobody from the family was there and it was a great sorrow to my Mum and she never really got over it. She often spoke of how if she had stayed that
bit longer - we were there when Mum died in November and tbh it was 'endurance' for us all at the end and the memory of the end was not one that I like to think about too much.I now kinda of think now my Mum was spared 'the end' as she saw my Dad 'sleeping peacefully'. I can fully understand your emotions around this as anyone whom I have met that has experienced this, always has this regret.
bit longer - we were there when Mum died in November and tbh it was 'endurance' for us all at the end and the memory of the end was not one that I like to think about too much.I now kinda of think now my Mum was spared 'the end' as she saw my Dad 'sleeping peacefully'. I can fully understand your emotions around this as anyone whom I have met that has experienced this, always has this regret.
