How to cope with the tears.

[netsy22]

It was a shock in the end - mum went so fast. Two weeks in I am getting more and more emotional. I have been busy arranging the funeral, clearing her flat and dealing with the finances. I am fine as long as I am busy but if I stop to think I just cry and cry. Everywhere I go are reminders of mum - just little things like finding a pair of her earring set me off today. Clearing the flat has been painful. She left loads of photos and diaries. - I can't even look at them yet. I didn't know I would be like this - I thought I would be more accepting (as my brother is). I did grumble a lot about coping with looking after her (a lot), but I did do it and saw her most days for 31/2 years. Every time she needed something I got it for her and tried to make her comfortable. She was so grateful to me. If I still feel like this I don't know how I'll get through the funeral.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @netsy22
I don't think any of us have any real idea of how a parent's death actually will affect us
however it does, it's what needs to happen for you, so allow yourself to feel whatever you do feel at any moment
which all sounds very woolly but means just let yourself be
I remember feeling I was walking through treacle - and numb
I helped dad with the funeral arrangements and wanted to speak as to put it plainly, I didn't believe anyone else could do my mum justice
on the day maybe adrenalin kicked in, or tiredness or the numbness helped .. I don't know ... but I was calm and collected and spoke well
so somehow the strength comes to get you through
and if you do weep, that's just fine - gone are the days of the stiff upper lip, and thinking only the weak cry - your tears are a show of how much your mum meant to you; they're a tribute
sorry if none of this helps
you will find your way

 

[Izzy]

We get through it somehow - and it really doesn’t matter if you cry. I was so worried about how I would be at my husband’s funeral. I found the strength from somewhere. That’s not to say I didn’t have tears, I did. People understood and I wasn’t the only one with tears.

I hope it’s helped a little to share here and I wish you strength.

 

[jenniferpa]

All I can say is: be prepared (or at least understand it after the fact) for the oddest things to set you off. I got through my mother's funeral and the prior arrangements in a state of functional numbness and then was reduced to tears when dealing with her books.

 

[Amethyst59]

I, too, was worried about floods of tears at both my mother’s and my husband’s funeral. In fact, a sort of sense of unreality took over. I even sang a solo at my mum’s funeral. At my husband’s, I made it right through to the burial...and then just cried and cried in the car on the way to the wake.
How ever many times we think about ‘afterwards’ when we are losing a loved one, it is never what we think it will be. I am now in the position of my present husband having dementia...and I think the single thing I will have to cling to when I lose him, is the knowledge that the raw, physical pain, does pass.
It will for you too. There isn’t an easy way through, you just have to grit your teeth and hang on...and gradually the days when you feel a little better will outnumber the bad days. And a time will come when you can remember your lovely mum with a smile.

 

[jenniferpa]

My feeling is it doesn't pass exactly, it just becomes muted. Sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker.

 

[Amethyst59]

Yes, that’s a good point, Jennifer...and a reminder that it is different for everyone.

 

[jenniferpa]

Oh yes. There is no wrong or right way to grieve, and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of it in my view.

 

[malengwa]

Hi netsy, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment, two weeks reaaly isn't long. My mum died just before Christmas and planning the funeral was very emotional but kept me busy. I cried from beginning to end, as did a few other people, but i've not cried as much since.
I made her wake a celebration of her creativity and we had lots of photos of her creative side.
Someone here said grief takes its own time and how true that is. I am enjoying looking at old photos and wallowing in happy memories but i've also been caught unawares at the lead up to mothers day.
This too will pass, you will get through the funeral and you will gain strength from other family and friends who are there.
Please be kind to yourself too. I had terrible flu just as mums funeral was over and I didn't leave the house for over a week.
Do post here too, I drew strength from sharing with others going through the same at the same time.