I just need to get this out. ( Warning; Long post)

[Ohso]

My mum who is 82 and having memory problems that she sometimes accepts and sometimes doesn't, so fills in the gaps with her logic, so for example if she loses something and is adamant that she knows where she left it, as the only person who visits on a regular basis is me, she feels it must be me hiding/stealing things to convince her she is 'mad' or 'losing her marbles', her words, not mine. So for the last few months she has distrusted me much of the time and I know she has told people this, her cleaner, her friend, the man who came to replace her hearing aids that were 'stolen'. The rest of the time she is the lovely mum that I have always had a brilliant relationship with.
I have in the last month found some very useful information and videos on here and youtube and began to make changes to our relationship by understanding more how things I say and do will be interpreted differently by her, so for example, if I am hunting for her hearing aid and while im still looking, she has forgets she has asked me to, all she can see is me going through her personal things and she feels she has no privacy, so gets very upset and anxious and accuse me of looking for her money etc, now if she wants me to look for something I ask her to give me a hand so we are looking together and that seems to have been working, along with giving her lots of hugs and reassurances she has been appearing to feel happier in herself and with me, lots of hugs when I leave etc.
Anyway, this week a long standing friend (who lives about 400 miles away) and her husband visited for a few days, we were both looking forwards to it, mum to see her friend, and me hoping a bit of a rest and that they would be able to encourage her to go out, so that I could continue it after they left, as she doesn't like leaving the house much and I hoped they would want to be out and about and she would want to be with them, plus being there with her all day would be company for her as although I visit at least twice a day she does tell me she is lonely.
However, it turned out not to be a few days of lovely caring for my mum, taking her out in the car, possibly to the coast (which she loves) or nice lunches, instead they have been taking her to her banks and a solicitor, now although I do have massive issues with that, its more that I am disappointing that it seems to be all they have done with her.

They weren't ensuring she had breakfast (mum is diabetic so needs to eat regular meals) so when I went in I was told they thought she had eaten but didn't know what, and mum couldn't remember, they gave her pizza for each of the days they were there their words, not mums.

When they did take her out they left her sitting alone for ages in the shopping mall while they shopped. This makes me feel terrible for mum as she would never have felt happy being alone in an unfamiliar place - mum doesn't have a mobile phone so would have just have to sit and wait for them to come back, not even able to look around the shops herself as she is unsteady on her feet if she hasn't eaten. ( I know this as a friend of mums went with them to have lunch ( pizza) and she was asked show them a particular shop but didn't realise how long they would be away from mum and the long term friend is quite 'forceful' so the other friend didnt feel able to make a fuss and return to mum but felt sufficiently bothered by it to tell me about it after they left). They littered mums house with dirty crockery so much so that I and her other(local) friend were clearing it each day, The local friend felt obliged to feed my mum when she was there as they had no set meal times during the day at all,seeming to only drink coffee and smoke ( inside the house) and on the day when they did eat out the local friend said mum wolfed her food down like she was starving.

I was just getting to a place with mum where she was looking/feeling/acting better than she had in a while and certainly our relationship was improving and mum seemed more settled, but now, due to the interference from her friend, mum has opened a new account so I am unable to oversee it to make sure she isnt getting into difficuties. previously I was using the account we held jointly to pay for all her food/replacement hearing aids/new locks as she keeps losing keys etc and pay someone to visit 3 times a week (the other local friend I mentioned earlier is cleaner turned friend who mum trusts and enjoys seeing) to come up and sit with her and encourage her to eat regularly etc

Mum now doesn't remember about the bank so asks me every day where her card is and why hasn't she had any money 'for three weeks/for ages/since September' so I am again dealing with her frustration & anger, at the bank for not having a card in the branch they can sent someone up to her house with, 'dont they know I am an old lady and need food' and me, as she blames me for all the problems with her account over the last few months that are generally caused by her losing cards/forgetting pins etc (I did have to stop a card in August on the advice of the bank as lots of money was withdrawn from the account over a period of months with mums card but mum had no idea why or where the money was, we can only assume she was hoarding it and its either thrown away, hidden in a place we haven't stumbled on when looking for hearing aids/purse/bank cards/door keys etc or stolen by one of the cold callers mum has let in to the house) so I get the blame for it and in her mind I have stopped her having access to her own account so I can have it all myself, and I think this is the story she has been telling her friend for the past few months and instead of asking me she has taken mum at her word and 'sorted it out for mum' and when I tried to explain to them the repercussions of what they were doing she simply held her hands up and said 'im only doing what you mum wanted' but didn't stop to think about mum 'wanting' it was based on mum believing that I am stealing from her.

The bank did phone me in the middle of their visit to let me know that mum had been in to close the joint account that I had access to and the manager (who I had taken advice from previously) felt sufficiently worried about the situation to walk along to the other bank mum was being taken to and see what they were doing there, but apparently by the time she got there they had left and gone to the solicitors (we have no idea why and mum cant remember, 'It must have been something to sign or something, Im not stupid you know'.

I am really ticked off with the friend for seeming to only worry about the financial side of things, she mentioned to me that mum had been phoning her crying telling her that she hadn't seen anyone for weeks (I visit at least twice a day and her friend/cleaner is now there 3 times a week for 3 hours) I have to ask myself why, if she felt that my mum was in any harm or not being cared for correctly that she hadn't acted sooner, either speak to me, I have also known her about 30 years, or contacted mums GP/social services, anyone!!!

As far as I remember this is only her second visit in over ten years but does keep regular/almost daily contact on the phone (which mum looks forwards to) so its not like she is seeing mum on a regular basis to know if what mum is saying is genuine or perceived, but has acted on it anyway (financially) She hasn't asked me anything about mums care or even express any concern over her welfare which I find strange and cant help think this is all ego driven and she now feels she has 'saved' mum from the 'evil daughter' (me) but in reality just caused more problems, they think thay many of mums problems will be resolved with a new bank account and associated card and pin, what they fail to grasp is that by this time next week the card will be lost ( put somewhere safe!) and the pin number forgotten and mum will then obsess about it and be asking me whats going on with it all.......

Sorry this is long, its been a hard few months appreciating the issues mum is having and working through things to understand and alleviate her fears and now this.
I work full time and have been taking more and more time out to sort things out and finding it hard to keep on repeating tasks, looking for things she hides and explanations, I know I have to, she is my mum and I love her dearly but boy its exhausting and upsetting.

The other thing, to add into the mix, for months mum has got out of bed at around 11am when up barely moved out of her chair, sits and watches TV much of the day, she has found reasons not to come out with me for months yet when her friend was here she was up at 7.30 each day, fully dressed and apparently went out with them willingly, even suggested a walk one evening with them, now they have gone she has reverted back, she hasnt got dressed all weekend and flatly refuses to come out with me (possibly a result of the paranoia that I am the evil daughter or lack of interest/enthusiasm)

I am just waiting for her bank stuff to arrive to see if she does actually go out as this seems to be her reasoning, that she wants to be able to go out and do things herself without me, to retain her independence etc, but I fear the reality is going to be very different. I had already had concerns about her wandering and this might be the thing that drives her to leave the house.

Needless to say the friends are now back at home 400 miles away, telling me not to worry as they 'sorted everything out'

The solicitors visit is still a mystery...but sure that will come to light eventually so please no advise on that as I am not ready to even consider all the repercussions of that yet.

I dont really need a reply I really just needed to get this out, and here hopefully someone will understand.
Mandy x

 

[Beate]

Mandy, have you got LPA for your mother? While it's true you can operate a joint account without one, the bank seems to be aware of your mother's mental state and could therefore decide to freeze this account if they felt they needed to protect her finances, therefore leaving you unable to access your half of the money. Also, it is usually a better idea to separate finances because when it comes to assessing her for care costs, half of this money will be considered hers, even if for example you paid in most of it. And you couldn't access any accounts she might now have opened in her name only. If she did this recently it would suggest she still had capacity left so get this sorted as quickly as you can, before she decides to give LPA to those "friends"!

I think her being willing to go out with her friends can be attributed to "hostess mode" which is an overly competent front which some PWDs are able to put up for a certain length of time, to make people think they are just fine. That might have also been what bamboozled her visitors. You can't keep this facade up for too long so now she is back to being tired and uncooperative.

However, if you haven't already done so, I would still try to get Social Services to give her a needs assessment and you a carers assessment. If she lives on her own and you work full-time, looking after her will get increasingly more difficult without outside help. If she doesn't want to go out, how about a sitter/befriender coming to hers to keep her company? Just try to get her in the system before a total crisis happens. The state has a duty of care for vulnerable adults at risk, and wandering is a huge risk. If you tell SS that, they can't really refuse any help, and you are legally entitled to a carers assessment anyway.

Plus, if those people ever come to visit again, it might be a good idea to take a few days off and be there too!

 

[Shedrech]

only a brief note, then
if LPAs are not already in place, get them done and registered asap or you may find that you are left with no authority to act on your mother's behalf

edited = crossed with Beate's post

 

[LadyA]

Frankly, in your shoes, I would be very worried on your mum's behalf about what they were up to. It might be nothing, but I would be trying to get your mum assessed immediately, and I would get the bank to close her account and open a new one for her. Something very fishy about the whole thing.

 

[canary]

Im not surprised that you are worried - I would be too.
It might be quite innocent and the friends have absolutely no undersdtanding of dementia, accepted every word your mum said and thought they were doing her a great favour! On the other hand, it could be quite sinister. I think Lady As advice about the bank is good.

I worry in particular about the solicitor and your mums comment about signing things. I may be wrong, but I am concerned that they got her to sign a POA, perhaps giving them the authority and you could end up being completely locked out of your mums life. If this is what they have done it will take about 6 weeks for the POA to be registered. Sorry to offer advice about the solicitor and I hope I am wrong, but I think this is urgent. Once a POA is registered it becomes quite hard to get it revoked and her friends could do untold damage.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I would be very concerned too...I can't imagine what other reasons they would take your mum to a solicitor other than regarding her will or poa. The solicitor I assume would not tell you either way because of client confidentiality. I don't know but would a call to the OPG help to al least see whether they are allowed to confirm if they have received application and what process can you now do to object if you can't do anything to stop it. Meanwhile get forms completed...wait for your mum to calm down...If she still has mental capacity and presumably she has in a solicitors view if indeed that was what the visit was about... put the process in place ready to invoke the poa and register new ones and if your mum hasn't done a will or you don't know...get her to do one at the same time. Friends from a distance who know nothing about dementia or are not in regular face to face contact with your mum are at best mis guided do gooders. I would be concerned also that they did not discuss this with you before 'helping' Your mum...they may be genuine and just naive but......!

 

[Shedrech]

you don't know what was said or done at the solicitors (I'd say don't look into it so you can honestly say that you don't know that any LPA has been sought), so get LPAs in place now, and send them off immediately to be registered - you can get a neighbour/other friend to act as certificate provider - then if the 'friends' did also do this, the OPG can sort out the issue
https://www.gov.uk/government/publi...ing-power-of-attorney-a-guide-web-version#A10
https://www.gov.uk/government/collections/lasting-power-of-attorney-forms

 

[love.dad.but..]

you don't know what was said or done at the solicitors (I'd say don't look into it so you can honestly say that you don't know that any LPA has been sought), so get LPAs in place now, and send them off immediately to be registered - you can get a neighbour/other friend to act as certificate provider - then if the 'friends' did also do this, the OPG can sort out the issue
https://www.gov.uk/government/publi...ing-power-of-attorney-a-guide-web-version#A10
https://www.gov.uk/government/collections/lasting-power-of-attorney-forms

Good point Shedrech...much better advice than mine

 

[Shedrech]

if it's already been sent off, nothing can change that (I doubt a solicitor works that quickly - and actually when dad did his it took 2 separate visits with a delay whilst the documents were prepared) - but the OP doesn't know either way
if the OPG receive 2 applications they will spot this and deal with it
delaying means the OP has no access to her mother's finances to help support her - though, looking at the other side, maybe this is what the mother wants; however from the initial post, it doesn't sounds as though the mother is really able to cope with her own finances

 

[Ohso]

I think that what ever has been done is because my mum wanted it, but that was based on her feeling that
1) I am trying take away her independence (I am not, I want her to be as independent as possible for as long as possible, if she ever needed more care than I could give her I would keep her in her own home ( or mine) for as long as possible and pay for all the care she needs, as she would do for me if tables were turned.
2) That I am trying to get hold of her money/house
3) That I am stealing things from her so she is thought to be 'losing her marbles'
4) That I never visit/take her out/do anything for her of any merit
All the above are not true, but what she believes to be true, so she is distrusting of me, I did actually pay for the POA applications but needed to wait till a time when she had got past that distrust and back to our old ( brilliant) relationship before speaking to her and getting her to agree to sign, which she then did at the end of january so maybe that is what they have done, its hard to even think about it, in effect they could move her 400 miles away to a care home ( something she has stated many many times she wouldn't want, and something I have heard from being a teenager, so fully aware that this would be the last thing she would want for herself)
If it is the will, that would be a terrible level of interference and manipulation that I am trying to put to the back of my mind, and again would be incredibly hurtful as they have known me a long time and know what a great relationship I always until recently had with my mum and also my dad, before he died (about 20 years ago) and the only alteration that seems plausible would be to leave everything to her friend. Please dont comment on this as the implications of not being left my mums personal things and personal stuff my dad left is unthinkable.

I will seek advice as to one POA following another, if that is what they have done, as surely latest cancels out earlier ones?

My heart is aching for mum, that she feels a lack of trust of me, the one person who is there every day and would do anything and everything I can to make her life happier and her feel more secure.
M

 

[Ohso]

Should have added, they apparently went to the solicitors two days on the trot, Tuesday & Wednesday.

 

[myss]

Mandy, why can't you call this person and ask them what they did? You say that they know you for over 30 years, and to be honest I find it a rude that you were consulted beforehand - unless they don't know that your Mum has dementia and are taking her word as truth. You can always state that your bank manager was concerned as well, as she's aware of your Mum's condition, and advise you to speak with the friend.
Doesn't your Mum have any copies of the documents she's supposed to have signed?? You could also say that your Mum has been asking/looking for this and this is another reason why you are asking.
I agree with the others about being concerned.

 

[cobden 28]

Mandy, why can't you call this person and ask them what they did? You say that they know you for over 30 years, and to be honest I find it a rude that you were consulted beforehand - unless they don't know that your Mum has dementia and are taking her word as truth. You can always state that your bank manager was concerned as well, as she's aware of your Mum's condition, and advise you to speak with the friend.
Doesn't your Mum have any copies of the documents she's supposed to have signed?? You could also say that your Mum has been asking/looking for this and this is another reason why you are asking.
I agree with the others about being concerned.

Do you know which solicitor it was that your Mum was taken to?

 

[Frustrated&impatient]

If your Mum has been diagnosed with dementia then her GP can assess her level of competence. If she is deemed not to have capacity then whatever she has signed at the solicitors or bank can be overturned, on the grounds that she didn’t have capacity.

 

[Mitsy]

Hi Mandy, I know what you are going through. Please look after yourself, have a break from everything if you possibly can. Get a freind or family member to check on her for you. Then you will be able to think more clearly. Also do you have a freind you can talk to ? or phone a dementia helpline, maybe ?

 

[Grannie G]

This Thread is five years old and those who have asked for support haven't been on line for a long time.

Thanks to all who have offered support and suggestions.

The Thread is now closed