Any tips for ways to manage visits?

[19LWL]

Hi. Mum moved into her care home - on a respite basis but with a view to going permanently - 3 weeks ago. Since then I've visited several times, mostly alone, once with my children. My brother has done much the same but at different times.

Each visit, mum has rationalised a different reason for her being there. But there is one common theme. Each visit, she will ask many times "are you taking me home?", each time with an increased sense of urgency. Invariably she has her bags packed, pictures etc. all organised on the bed, ready to go.

When I visited with my children we tried taking in plenty of distractions - dominos, cards, old photos. This worked for a while but in some respects seemed to enhance the confusion towards the end of the visit, in that she couldn't even remember that she had a room there - it was as if we'd just gone out for lunch. So that made it harder still to leave her there.

I'm starting to feel that this will always be the case, no matter how long she has been there. It's a very good care home with great ratings, lovely staff and lots of facilities. It also has a good range of residents - mum is still very social and chatty and needs to have similar people around her.

Things are complicated by the fact that my dad, mum's erstwhile carer, passed away in hospital in November and of course she has no recollection of that, so she assumes that either he's sent her to the home or that she's 'taken a break' from him. In the former case she can't understand what she has 'done wrong' to be there and in the latter, she feels time is up. Either way she's 'ready to go home'.

I'm finding it very hard, without the distractions that were present at her home (making endless cups of tea, food, letting the 'dog' in or out, and watching tv) to find things to occupy her mind enough to distract from the constant desire to 'go home'. This makes the visits quite difficult and distressing - for both of us.

I suppose this is probably all very normal, but can anyone offer any tips for things to do or talk about on the visits to make it a bit easier?

 

[Louise7]

It's obviously a difficult time and distressing for both you and your Mum but perhaps you and your brother visiting less often might help your Mum to settle more? Have you asked the home how she is when you are not there - is she social and chatty with the other residents? There have been a lot of similar threads here on the same topic and the general consensus is not to visit too frequently when someone first goes into a home to give them time to settle. Might be worth a try to see whether it helps.

 

[DeMartin]

Hi. Mum moved into her care home - on a respite basis but with a view to going permanently - 3 weeks ago. Since then I've visited several times, mostly alone, once with my children. My brother has done much the same but at different times.

Each visit, mum has rationalised a different reason for her being there. But there is one common theme. Each visit, she will ask many times "are you taking me home?", each time with an increased sense of urgency. Invariably she has her bags packed, pictures etc. all organised on the bed, ready to go.

When I visited with my children we tried taking in plenty of distractions - dominos, cards, old photos. This worked for a while but in some respects seemed to enhance the confusion towards the end of the visit, in that she couldn't even remember that she had a room there - it was as if we'd just gone out for lunch. So that made it harder still to leave her there.

I'm starting to feel that this will always be the case, no matter how long she has been there. It's a very good care home with great ratings, lovely staff and lots of facilities. It also has a good range of residents - mum is still very social and chatty and needs to have similar people around her.

Things are complicated by the fact that my dad, mum's erstwhile carer, passed away in hospital in November and of course she has no recollection of that, so she assumes that either he's sent her to the home or that she's 'taken a break' from him. In the former case she can't understand what she has 'done wrong' to be there and in the latter, she feels time is up. Either way she's 'ready to go home'.

I'm finding it very hard, without the distractions that were present at her home (making endless cups of tea, food, letting the 'dog' in or out, and watching tv) to find things to occupy her mind enough to distract from the constant desire to 'go home'. This makes the visits quite difficult and distressing - for both of us.

I suppose this is probably all very normal, but can anyone offer any tips for things to do or talk about on the visits to make it a bit easier?

Maybe make visits shorter, not at the same time, just a pop in, stay in communal areas, not to much activity at one time. I always take a bit of chocolate or a muffin as a distraction, I also take crochet to do, gives a topic of conversation. Unfortunately you may have to go the loving lies route as to why she can’t go home, weather, home repair, dr wants you stronger.
Three weeks are a short time, As Louise says find out how she is when your not there, you may be plesently surprised

 

[Juliasdementiablog]

Hi 19LWL

You are right to suspect that this is a common issue for lots of people with dementia, and of course their desire to go home is completely rationale. My mother doesn't recognise the care home she has been living in for the last two years, and doesn't remember the home she lived in for the previous 20 years. Like your mum, mine is still very lucid, sociable, and she remembers faces, even new residents and staff in the care home etc. But she has a problem with places. When we sit in the living room of the care home, she often doesn't know she has a room there. I too have seen the advice that you just need to let your loved one 'settle in'. However, I know, that when I'm not able to visit my mother, she is very distressed and feels abandoned, so in my mum's case I think she actually needs lots of visits which I try to provide. Like your mum, my mum has often packed and thinks I'm coming to collect her. I often say shall we have a cup of tea first and we go and sit in the dining area, then we do something else, and I help her put her things away, and leave clues that she is staying (if its the evening I put her nightie and dressing gown out) etc. This often works in the evening. At other times of day it is difficult because she asks me to drop her off home. I sometimes tell her she is staying there until she gets better. She knows she has been unwell, had problems with her memory or blood pressure, or knee etc so this sometimes works. Other times when she tells me she doesn't like it there I tell her we will find somewhere else etc. It's difficult. She often momentarily forgets my father, her husband, is dead, but fortunately she remembers unprompted without too much distress, most of the time.

I read a really helpful article about the significance of wanting to go home and ways to manage this. The link is here https://health.usnews.com/health-ne...a-person-with-dementia-says-i-want-to-go-home

I also wrote a blog post about saying goodbye because that is sometimes the most difficult part of the visit for me. The link to that post is here. juliasdementiablog.wordpress.com/2017/06/28/how-to-say-goodbye/

I hope this is helpful. Good luck. Julia

 

[Lancashirelady]

There is a lady in my Mum's CH who has been there for nearly 10 years and she still spends much of her time pacing the corridor looking for the way out as she "has to get the bus home" She also does lots of packing, including wrapping up all Mum's undies in a nightie and stashing them in her wardrobe on one occasion! (she used to have the room Mum is in, which I guess explains it). Mum occasionally recognises the CH as somewhere she used to visit her cousin over 10 years ago and can find her room without any problem but still doesn't associate it with where she lives, 2 years after moving in. She has no recollection of the house she lived in for 35 years before that.

 

[canary]

Three weeks is nothing at all when they first go into a care home - it usually takes a good couple of months for them to settle.

You dont say when you visit, or how long you stay, but when mum was in her care home I used to avoid times when she was tired and sundowning (ie after 3.00pm) and in the early stages I used to only stay an hour or so. I used to time my visits so that I could leave when dinner came, which acted as a natural distraction (ooh look, its your dinner - I wont interrupt). I also used to chat to her in the lounge rather than her room, so that she was wasnt triggered by the sight of her things that needed packing. Also there were other people in the lounge - residents and staff - who would come over and chat as well, so that helped the conversation along. I didnt say goodbye, I left my coat in the car, and made some excuse - I needed the loo, I needed to talk to someone, sort out laundry........ and just never came back. After a couple of minutes she had forgotten I had been there, so wasnt distressed.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Like canary...I left my coat and bag in the car as these acted as visual clue to dad that I was going...he couldn't verbalize about going home but would say...are we going. I also never said goodbye...going to wash up...put the bins out etc...he would forget I had been there. I also visited at times when I thought dad would be calmer and if he wasnt I cut my visit short. I visited every other day and didnt feel for dad the frequency made any difference.However it took dad 5 months or so to settle to any degree in losing that anxiety and ai felt it was more thàt he had declined rather than gained an acceptance of being in a nursing home so 3 weeks is very early unfortunately to see a change in acceptance if dad was anything to go by. At the time and looking back...those months were very hard but no way around it other than going with the flow and being flexible to each visit depending on how your mum is and identifying what she may react to
And try to lessen the triggers.

 

[Witzend]

I too kept visits short, not more than an hour. They were often very difficult in the early weeks and months - endless demands to go home, and sometimes anger at us for putting her there when she was convinced there was nothing wrong with her - if only!
I soon learned not to say I was going home - I was invariably 'just popping to the shops before they closed', or going to pick my car up from the garage, or going to pick up Dh from the station/airport - 'but I'll be back very soon!'
By that stage her short term memory was so bad that she'd forget within a minute or two that I'd been - as I knew already but once had proved when I nipped back for a cardigan I'd left behind - under 2 minutes but she already had no idea that I'd been at all.

 

[saskia]

I agree with everything that has been posted..this is the common theme from my mum , some visits I breathe a sigh of relief as the ' home q' hasn't popped up...invariably it does.

My mum, like yours is still quite ' with it ' and no amount of love lies / distraction works with this.
If i say I'm going to the shops , she says she's coming with me.
If we say you're here in a nice hospital / hotel / residential / sheltered accommodation etc....she will have a response .
It amazes me how the ' home ' prompt always manages to make my mum into the mum I used to know.

I just take each visit as it comes, some are short, some we do go out & she comes for a drive....but the last few times we have pulled up outside the home ' I don't live here. Take me home...' sometimes with a refusal to get out of the car..thats interesting!

Dementia has no routine..this is my mantra now and I have to learn to live in mum's world as the world we all knew..has gone.

Sad x

 

[Amy in the US]

I'm another one who leaves my coat and bag in the car, as it definitely helped earlier, and something about me having either or both can still sometimes trigger upset or confusion from my mother.

I never say goodbye, only "see you soon."

We also learned to listen to my mother's verbal cues that she was ready for us to leave, even if we'd just arrived, and go when she wanted us to go.

We keep exits brief. Earlier on, when she was prone to getting upset when we left, we would often time them for the start of a meal or activitity, or get a staff person to help distract her.

Also earlier on, when my mother would be agitated or outright verbally abusive to me, I would leave the room at the first hint of upset (I "went to the loo" often). If she continued to be unpleasant, I would cut the visit short and leave. I also didn't visit by myself for at least the first year, as she was only unpleasant to me if we were alone, and tried to mainly stay in public areas.

Despite every single staff member feeling doubtful, my mother did settle, made friends, and thrived for the first year or so, until health problems and advancing dementia interfered. It took only a couple of months for her to settle, again, much to our surprise, so it can work out. I hope it does for you, also.

 

[Lancashirelady]

2 years on, Mum still gets upset if she knows I'm leaving the CH. I usually spend the afternoon with her, then when it's teatime I get her settled in the dining room and excuse myself to go to the loo, knowing that she'll have completely forgotten I was there within 5 minutes. Sometimes she gets a bit weepy anyway but the staff are good at distracting her. Definitely leave coats and bags out of sight so it's not obvious you are going. It always reminds me of when the kids were small and leaving them with the childminder - howls of anguish until you were out of sight and then they just shut up and got on with things.