Mum's been telling lies for years about me to siblings, I'm never here, she's not being looked after etc. But lately she's lying about everything? Did you eat my chocolate? No. Did you drop the iron and break it? No. Is your bed wet? No. She's very serious and actually believes she has done none of this. This is new and she's starting to lie about everything lately? Is this normal? Is it that she genuinely didn't remember? Finding this very bizarre. Ps found my chocolate bar wrapper in her dressing gown?
Mum is constantly lying?
- Thread starter Onmyown
- Start date
It is not lies. It is her truth.
My husband lies also to justify his actions ( a sort of child-like behaviour) when he realizes he has done something wrong or silly
My husband lies also to justify his actions ( a sort of child-like behaviour) when he realizes he has done something wrong or silly
I agree with margherita. I mean if she has always been inclined to prevaricate about stuff I can completely understand why you are skeptical, but since even previously rigorously truthful people start this sort of behaviour, I think you have to accept that this is part of f dementia. Look at it this way: if you didn't remember doing x, why wouldn't you swear you didn't do x? Confronted with evidence? Still, you don't remember so you're still going to swear blind it wasn't you.
My wife lies most of the time. I find it extremely difficult to deal with and we often end up rowing. No, not often.....always. It is very wearing and I have no help at all as her children (second marriage) have disowned her due to something unconnected with her illness. I often feel at the end of my tether and don’t know how long I can go on like this. My own physical health isn’t good and every day is a terrific challenge. I know I need help but cannot see how or where. The GP’s are useless probably because they would not believe me when I told them for two years my wife had dementia and are now embarrassed. She will not go to see the dementia specialist either. I really am in a very black hole.
That sounds very tough for you. I now care for my wife, but know from experience with my MiL that lying does seem to go with dementia, for the reasons already stated, and that a family can be torn apart by it. I can even see in my wife that her version of reality is not accurate. Hard as it is, we have to try to ignore the mistruths and know in ourselves that it is we who have an accurate grip on things - at least that's what I do. If I were you I would try your GP again as I doubt they are embarrassed as dementia can be hard to diagnose and I do believe a GP will try to help. Is there an alternative GP at your surgery? At the very least maybe you would consider talking to the Alzheimer's helpline on tel:03002221122 to see if they can help. Also keep posting on Talking Point. Don't suffer alone.
This sounds familiar! Or he tries to justify it by saying, well you do it too. The best one was when he accused me of putting toffee papers down the toilet!!
Don't feel alone, battered....you're not really because you can talk to us..but I do know what you mean...the world just doesn't seem to care does it? And when the person you knew so well suddenly has a different truth than yours....It isn't lying in the conventional way...it seems to me it's more a very inept ( childlike) covering up of a failing in themselves...the person can't face the truth...
I remember being told to attend memory cafes etc, but my husband would have immediately recognised what they were and would have had none of it! You have to introduce distractions in a much more subtle way...I do hope there will be suggestions to help you....The Alzheimers Society helped me, through a friend who approached them. We cunningly introduced a ' friend of a friend' into his life, and they made friends with my husband and kept him company with outings etc...giving me a chance to rest or make phone calls that I couldn't have done within my husband's hearing.
I remember being told to attend memory cafes etc, but my husband would have immediately recognised what they were and would have had none of it! You have to introduce distractions in a much more subtle way...I do hope there will be suggestions to help you....The Alzheimers Society helped me, through a friend who approached them. We cunningly introduced a ' friend of a friend' into his life, and they made friends with my husband and kept him company with outings etc...giving me a chance to rest or make phone calls that I couldn't have done within my husband's hearing.
She is not lying, which means saying things you know to be untrue.
Your mum is recounting false beliefs. She actually believes the things she says and it is very likely the cause is simply that she cannot remember - she says you're not visitting because she can't remember your going to see her, she says she didn't break the iron because she can't remember using it.
As her brain is affected by dementia, it will try to construct a story that explains things that do not make sense. The bedwetting for example.
She cannot remember doing it.
Her lifetime experience tells her that she doesn't wet the bed.
Therefore do not be surprised if you hear a story that someone else has done it. To everyone else a story that a stranger has wet her bed makes far less sense but to her it is the logical explanation.
The chocolate incident is likely caused by memory problems and loss of learnt inhibitions. Your mum fancied eating it, so she took it, ate it and then forgot.
There is no point in confronting her with evidence. She knows she is right and will reject evidence to the contrary. Or at best she will accept it, forget, and go back to her story.
Imagine you, yourself, know that you haven't eaten a bar of chocolate. You'd remember, right? And you've never take someone else's? Then someone comes along and says here, you've eaten my chocolate, here's the wrapper in your pocket.
The most likely outcome would be that you'd say they were lying and had planted the wrapper because you know you didn;t eat that candy. Or worse, you'd conclude they were trying to trick you and make you think you were going mad, or trying to blackmail you etc.
Same with your mum. It's pointless to confront her. Just deal with the practical problems. If the chocolate eating is becoming a problem liek making her sick, your only option is to make sure there are only small amounts she's got access to. You'll likely have to start doing the same thing with food, and particularly don't rely on her to not eat stuff that's out of date.
Your mum is recounting false beliefs. She actually believes the things she says and it is very likely the cause is simply that she cannot remember - she says you're not visitting because she can't remember your going to see her, she says she didn't break the iron because she can't remember using it.
As her brain is affected by dementia, it will try to construct a story that explains things that do not make sense. The bedwetting for example.
She cannot remember doing it.
Her lifetime experience tells her that she doesn't wet the bed.
Therefore do not be surprised if you hear a story that someone else has done it. To everyone else a story that a stranger has wet her bed makes far less sense but to her it is the logical explanation.
The chocolate incident is likely caused by memory problems and loss of learnt inhibitions. Your mum fancied eating it, so she took it, ate it and then forgot.
There is no point in confronting her with evidence. She knows she is right and will reject evidence to the contrary. Or at best she will accept it, forget, and go back to her story.
Imagine you, yourself, know that you haven't eaten a bar of chocolate. You'd remember, right? And you've never take someone else's? Then someone comes along and says here, you've eaten my chocolate, here's the wrapper in your pocket.
The most likely outcome would be that you'd say they were lying and had planted the wrapper because you know you didn;t eat that candy. Or worse, you'd conclude they were trying to trick you and make you think you were going mad, or trying to blackmail you etc.
Same with your mum. It's pointless to confront her. Just deal with the practical problems. If the chocolate eating is becoming a problem liek making her sick, your only option is to make sure there are only small amounts she's got access to. You'll likely have to start doing the same thing with food, and particularly don't rely on her to not eat stuff that's out of date.
Agree with the others. It's reality as they see it. Their truth. "I have no memory of dropping the iron/eating the chocolate, therefore I didn't. If I had, I would remember." It's like someone came to you and said you had, say, hit another car while you were out driving. Yup, there's a dent in your car. But you know you haven't been out, you have no memory of driving anywhere or hitting another car, so it can't have been you. Yet, there are your car keys, in your coat pocket. There is the dent in your car, parked outside your house. You "know" it wasn't you because your memory has absolutely no record of you going out, but all the evidence says you did, and you did indeed hit another car. It's how dementia works.
Sadly we have had to install CCTV at my Mil's to get evidence of who is coming into her flat and taking/being given money.
Despite showing her the video of her giving money to the local druggies she still insists that she never answers the door and would not give them money if she did.
The lying used to upset me but since finding my way here to TP I am now feeling sad for her living in such a confused state and now know she is just telling the truth as she sees it
Despite showing her the video of her giving money to the local druggies she still insists that she never answers the door and would not give them money if she did.
The lying used to upset me but since finding my way here to TP I am now feeling sad for her living in such a confused state and now know she is just telling the truth as she sees it
I really wish people wouldn't use the word lying. They don't deliberately tell an untruth, they say what they believe to be true, and the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can practice compassionate communication as in this article:
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
There's no need to apologise, @TheBearsMummy . You were explaining a very worrying scenario, and one I hope you have been able to deal with in a way that keeps your MIL safe?
