Hi
I'm new to this forum and so relieved to find it as I really don't know what to do and would be grateful for any advice please.
My father is currently in hospital. He's in his 80s and has shown signs of dementia for a while. He was physically fit though and never went near a doctors.
He got to the stage of not washing or changing his clothes and his body clock was all over the place. And he would just pick at food. He is mobile so would walk to the shop, withdraw a lot of cash for no reason and then bang on a strangers front door to take him home! He's also started making remarks about wanting to die at times and thought people were living in the attic and that we are selling off his stuff?!
Up until the last 18 months he's always been a very heavy drinker, 7 nights a week, and has a history of having been physically abusive at times when he was younger which is why my mum divorced him.
We could see things were getting worse but he wouldn't go to the doctors. He did however finally agree to carers coming in to help him wash. His behaviour has been getting stranger recently and very aggressive verbally. Last week I went to see the doctor on my own as clearly he needs help. However, prior to the doctor coming my father had got very upset and confused as he thought he was in the wrong house. He ended up being found by a couple at 6.30 in the morning collapsed in a lane near his house. We think he might have been out for about 5 hours! He had fallen and cut his leg but had no idea, even when he saw his injured knee he denied it had happened. He was slurring some words so I thought "stroke?". A paramedic came and assessed him and said he was fine! A bit later a district nurse arrived who was lovely and took one look at my father and said he's not safe to be at home and needs to go to hospital but the GP needs to OK that. The GP came out and arranged an ambulance to take him in. We then had a couple of hours where my father wouldn't cooperate and agree to go to hospital. The ambulance people said he didn't have mental capacity and would need a doctor to section him as they couldn't force him to go. On phoning the GP he declined to arrange for a sectioning as said it wasn't life threatening and we had to wait for something else to happen and then ring 999.
Thankfully the ambulance people were fantastic and eventually my father went with them.
He's now been in hospital 5 days so far. They've said its not a stroke and he's showing signs of vascular dementia but I don't think he's been properly mentally assessed yet. They are also starting to plan his coming home. Now this is the worry. My father clearly isn't ok and he's acting very, very strange but it feels like they can't see it. He's no idea who we are and doesnt know he's in hospital. All he talks about is will we take him to buy cigarettes and then he asks us to get my aunty to drive him as he said she's there too!!?? (None of it makes sense as he's not seen her in years). They've had to sedate him one night as he was getting nasty and trying to escape from the ward.
He lives in his own house which he shares with my mother. She's 88 and also has dementia and isn't mobile apart from going from the chair to her bed. They are divorced but chose to keep the house as joint tenants in common - why oh why she did that I have no idea!! Also in the house is my daughter who is my mum's main carer, my daughters partner and they have a 5 year old child with a disability. My daughter copes with looking after my mum brilliantly and we are all very close. I don't live there and it wasn't until tonight that my daughter opened up to me and said how hard it has been with my dad recently and she can't cope anymore with him (she's fine with mum). I had no idea dad was acting like he has been at night. Apparently dad who is a very heavy smoker has been dropping cigarettes and they've all been petrified he will start a fire. And he's been getting up in the night and waking them all up. My daughter is really close to my dad and she's guilt ridden he got out the house and fell over in the night. But she has said as much as she loves him she can't cope anymore and particularly in view of how worse he's getting. She suffers from anxiety anyway and I'm worried about her. I've tried to talk to the hospital but I just feel they'll send dad home with carers popping in a few times a day. I'm worried about my mum as he tried to tell her she was in the wrong house and get her out of her chair the other day, and there's no way she can cope with him. Also my daughter has my granddaughter to think about. My daughter has said she will move out if they send dad back as she can't cope, but then that will make her homeless and that leaves mum on her own and then she won't be safe. I'm goint to be moving in a few weeks so I'll be two hours away then so I'm no help and I feel I'm leaving my daughter to it which worries me. We really don't know what to do as like I said we just fear the hospital will say he's physically ok and its half his house so he can go home with carers coming in. We really think he needs to be in a secure residential home where he will be safe. Never in a million years did any of us ever think we would say that. Also we don't have a power of attorney and it's hard enough getting dad to pay for his meals on wheels and a weekly wash! Any advice would be welcome please.
I'm new to this forum and so relieved to find it as I really don't know what to do and would be grateful for any advice please.
My father is currently in hospital. He's in his 80s and has shown signs of dementia for a while. He was physically fit though and never went near a doctors.
He got to the stage of not washing or changing his clothes and his body clock was all over the place. And he would just pick at food. He is mobile so would walk to the shop, withdraw a lot of cash for no reason and then bang on a strangers front door to take him home! He's also started making remarks about wanting to die at times and thought people were living in the attic and that we are selling off his stuff?!
Up until the last 18 months he's always been a very heavy drinker, 7 nights a week, and has a history of having been physically abusive at times when he was younger which is why my mum divorced him.
We could see things were getting worse but he wouldn't go to the doctors. He did however finally agree to carers coming in to help him wash. His behaviour has been getting stranger recently and very aggressive verbally. Last week I went to see the doctor on my own as clearly he needs help. However, prior to the doctor coming my father had got very upset and confused as he thought he was in the wrong house. He ended up being found by a couple at 6.30 in the morning collapsed in a lane near his house. We think he might have been out for about 5 hours! He had fallen and cut his leg but had no idea, even when he saw his injured knee he denied it had happened. He was slurring some words so I thought "stroke?". A paramedic came and assessed him and said he was fine! A bit later a district nurse arrived who was lovely and took one look at my father and said he's not safe to be at home and needs to go to hospital but the GP needs to OK that. The GP came out and arranged an ambulance to take him in. We then had a couple of hours where my father wouldn't cooperate and agree to go to hospital. The ambulance people said he didn't have mental capacity and would need a doctor to section him as they couldn't force him to go. On phoning the GP he declined to arrange for a sectioning as said it wasn't life threatening and we had to wait for something else to happen and then ring 999.
Thankfully the ambulance people were fantastic and eventually my father went with them.
He's now been in hospital 5 days so far. They've said its not a stroke and he's showing signs of vascular dementia but I don't think he's been properly mentally assessed yet. They are also starting to plan his coming home. Now this is the worry. My father clearly isn't ok and he's acting very, very strange but it feels like they can't see it. He's no idea who we are and doesnt know he's in hospital. All he talks about is will we take him to buy cigarettes and then he asks us to get my aunty to drive him as he said she's there too!!?? (None of it makes sense as he's not seen her in years). They've had to sedate him one night as he was getting nasty and trying to escape from the ward.
He lives in his own house which he shares with my mother. She's 88 and also has dementia and isn't mobile apart from going from the chair to her bed. They are divorced but chose to keep the house as joint tenants in common - why oh why she did that I have no idea!! Also in the house is my daughter who is my mum's main carer, my daughters partner and they have a 5 year old child with a disability. My daughter copes with looking after my mum brilliantly and we are all very close. I don't live there and it wasn't until tonight that my daughter opened up to me and said how hard it has been with my dad recently and she can't cope anymore with him (she's fine with mum). I had no idea dad was acting like he has been at night. Apparently dad who is a very heavy smoker has been dropping cigarettes and they've all been petrified he will start a fire. And he's been getting up in the night and waking them all up. My daughter is really close to my dad and she's guilt ridden he got out the house and fell over in the night. But she has said as much as she loves him she can't cope anymore and particularly in view of how worse he's getting. She suffers from anxiety anyway and I'm worried about her. I've tried to talk to the hospital but I just feel they'll send dad home with carers popping in a few times a day. I'm worried about my mum as he tried to tell her she was in the wrong house and get her out of her chair the other day, and there's no way she can cope with him. Also my daughter has my granddaughter to think about. My daughter has said she will move out if they send dad back as she can't cope, but then that will make her homeless and that leaves mum on her own and then she won't be safe. I'm goint to be moving in a few weeks so I'll be two hours away then so I'm no help and I feel I'm leaving my daughter to it which worries me. We really don't know what to do as like I said we just fear the hospital will say he's physically ok and its half his house so he can go home with carers coming in. We really think he needs to be in a secure residential home where he will be safe. Never in a million years did any of us ever think we would say that. Also we don't have a power of attorney and it's hard enough getting dad to pay for his meals on wheels and a weekly wash! Any advice would be welcome please.
