Hi, my husband has dementia and every evening he puts his shoes on and wants to 'go home'. He has lived here for 52 years and I have been here with him for 38 years, but he just does not recognise this house as his home. At first I tried taking him out in the car and bringing him back but now the nights are dark and I am tired after being with him all day, I don't feel I can do that. Also he doesn't want to wash, shave or clean his teeth because he says the razor, etc. isn't his. He leaves 10p pieces about to pay for the electricity for the people who 'live here'. Suggestions please on how to cope, he's really driving me mad and he gets so angry if he can't get out. I let him out one night and the next thing he was back and banging on the doors and windows to get in again, he said he didn't really want to come back here. It's just impossible to watch TV because he keeps going on and on about it.
Husband with dementia (Alzheimer's)
- Thread starter Wife B
- Start date
There is a lot going on here...and there will be no quick fix...but, as a start, do you get any time to yourself at all? Arranging some sort of respite will mean that you have more patience and strength to carry on doing what you are. The ‘wanting to go home’ is very common, and it is not a place as such, that PWD (people with dementia) want. They feel anxious, confused, frightened and they want to go to a place where they feel safe, and this feeling is associated with ‘home’.
The overwhelming feeling I get from your post, though, is that you need some help. I am sure that someone will post soon, who can advise you on how to contact a source of help, be it social services, or a GP, or Age UK.
The overwhelming feeling I get from your post, though, is that you need some help. I am sure that someone will post soon, who can advise you on how to contact a source of help, be it social services, or a GP, or Age UK.
Welcome, @Wife B . It does sound as though things are very hard to cope with at the moment. I would be looking for an urgent review with your husband's doctors, as they may be able to prescribe something for him that would help with the delusions and agitation. Has he had a Needs Assessment? If not, I would get this done - or re-assessed, if you had one done previously. And a Carer's Assessment for yourself. Do you think he would attend a Day Centre? That would give you some much-needed time to yourself.
Yes @Wife B I agree with all the above advice from Lady A and Amethyst59.
The taking out and walking round the block often works but more often than not you as a primary carer are just too exhausted to go along with it.
I do hope your husband's GP can suggest suitable medication to ease this period. I sometimes managed to distract my husband by telling him it was too dark, too cold, a good programme coming on the television . When nothing worked I followed him at a distance until the episode passed , he recognised me again and was happy to come home.
I do know how upsetting this is and you sound worn out. Please ask for help. The GP and others won't know how much stress you're under unless you tell them.
The taking out and walking round the block often works but more often than not you as a primary carer are just too exhausted to go along with it.
I do hope your husband's GP can suggest suitable medication to ease this period. I sometimes managed to distract my husband by telling him it was too dark, too cold, a good programme coming on the television . When nothing worked I followed him at a distance until the episode passed , he recognised me again and was happy to come home.
I do know how upsetting this is and you sound worn out. Please ask for help. The GP and others won't know how much stress you're under unless you tell them.
All the above advice is very good and I have used the suggested tactics myself, particularly in the earlier stages to the disease when my husband's confusion would kick off during the day and it was possible to go out for a walk to deflect the situation before returning home.
Nowadays, I find that my husband only becomes confused about where home is as we get towards bedtime. He is often up and out of his chair saying he is tired and it's time for us to be on our way home to sleep.
At the moment I am able to reassure him by saying "It's ok, we are sleeping here tonight, isn't that lovely?"
It won't work for everyone, I know, but it relaxes hubby and he is happy to sleep here, no questions asked, for now.
Nowadays, I find that my husband only becomes confused about where home is as we get towards bedtime. He is often up and out of his chair saying he is tired and it's time for us to be on our way home to sleep.
At the moment I am able to reassure him by saying "It's ok, we are sleeping here tonight, isn't that lovely?"
It won't work for everyone, I know, but it relaxes hubby and he is happy to sleep here, no questions asked, for now.
Hi
Hi @Wife B , I could have written every word you said. My husband is exactly the same, but is becoming verbally and physically abusive towards me. He says I'm not who i say i am and he just wants to go home!
Hi All. thank you for your comments, my husband says there are two of us with my name, also he sometimes thinks I am his mother and says his father will be angry if he is late home. He usually calms down just before bedtime and sleeps very well, apart from looking for leaks in pipes because his tinnitus makes him here a sissing noise. I can't sleep at all well and it makes me feel as if I can't remember things. I think it's because of having to repeat things over and over so many times that my head feels like bursting sometimes.
This too is very common - possibly the majority of full time Carers of people with dementia, at some point, wonder if they themselves are developing Dementia too! It's usually a sign of the extreme stress and exhaustion the Carer is trying to cope with.
Thats Capgras syndrome
Mum used to think I was her mother too, I think she thought she was a young girl at the time. This confusion of time and people is almost universal in dementia. Capgras syndrome is also very common.
I am going through the same and understand what you going through..
it’s very hard. Be strong my friend and take care. Sometimes deep breathing helps.
Hello Wife B,
I've just joined today and saw your post.
I helped my Mum care for my Dad with Alzheimers and now my Mother has been diagnosed with it. My Dad believed that his wife had just upped and gone and kept saying that to my Mum!!! Didn't know she was his wife; initially my Mum tried to "reason" with him and show their wedding photos- he recognised everyone in the photos more or less but not her (this was after they'd been married for 45 years!) Mum soon realised that playing along was the best answer...some say you shouldn't but frankly (within reason) whatever makes your life and his easier is the best way...About the same time my Dad believed his parents were still alive (they'd have been about 120yrs old!!) and wanted to go and see them; it got so bad that one day he slipped out the house and went to the Police station to report his parents as missing!! We found that saying they'd be coming back soon or later or tomorrow etc, sometimes worked.Or that they'd asked us to keep an eye on him ..so maybe play along and say that his wife has just gone out for the day- two days and she asked you to watch him? That will be upsetting for you, openly saying his wife is not there! It may work? It may not be something you are comfortable doing..?
Also regarding the 10p pieces,perhaps create a box for him to out the 10p's in? My Dad went through a phase of wanting to pay a fiver for each meal he had at home,cooked by his wife!! We said she should have taken it and made a fortune!!! Obsession with money or keys seems to be a very common trait with alzheimers/dementia..some like my Dad,have it as an annoying obsession for a good while and then it disappears.........these illnesses used to be termed "second childhood" because it is!!! Like a child,kidding them, gently cajoling,finding an "avenue" that seems to work is helpful.....
As we all find out these illnesses are bizarre- I, as the "baby" of the family, out of everyone my Dad knew (family/in laws, with people his age etc) was therefore in his life for the shortest time,comparitively, yet he forgot everyone else,names, the relationship to him, but he always remembered my name and who I was to him.ODD ODD ODD!!!!
Sorry this has turned into a right essay!!!!
All the best..
