Been at my dads since 10, I said I'd take him to buy some trousers and we'll grab lunch together. 3 hours later I'm still at his and he's still in his boxers. He's been alternating between wearing just his boxers to wearing several pairs of boxers, on occasion his trousers. He didn't have a belt so I nipped out to buy a few for him. He's now messing about with the belts they're cheap Tesco belts so he's complaining about the small being too short but the medium not having enough holes. He's added extra holes to the small but insists on trying the others and putting holes in them. I've decided I'm not going to take him trouser shopping now (I'll buy a butt load on credit card and take them to him). Thought it would still be nice to take him for some food. Now I'm on the verge of just driving away and ignoring him like a teenager. I also have a call at 3.30, was thinking a 10am start was plenty of time to make it. There's a to do list that keeps growing - stuff to do for my dad and my own stuff like apply for a job. I want to die so someone else can look after him. And do a better job at it than I ever could.
Am I horrible to go in a strop?
- Thread starter Tragicuglyducky
- Start date
If you’re horrible then we’re all horrible. I want to pull My hair out in lumps some days with frustration.
Oh my ........
Go do your bits and pieces and leave dad to play with his new belts, no doubt it will keep him occupied for a few hours. In the past with my mum, I have known her to stay in her bedroom taking off and putting on different clothes for a few hours and so I have taken advantage of this and carried on with my own stuff. Once when I went in to check on her I found she had laid out all her bras and tights on the bed, just walked out again and left her to it. Back then I did not get much me time.
Marionq , sometimes I want to pull OH's hair out in lumps , hope I'm not the only one !!! Tragicuglyducky you are not horrible , there can't be many ongoing jobs (voluntary) that can be quite so utterly frustrating and exhausting as looking after a PWD , do you get any help ?
Let him do what he likes, provided it is not a dangerous occupation.
Maybe he will be happier and you will have preserved your mental health.
I am slowly learning not to guide my husband's choices, even though I am sure that mine are better than his.
I've decided to be dumb and deaf, unless my husband is in danger.
I've also realized that what I would like him to do is different from what he actually likes to.
I can't fight all day and be frustrated and exasperated.
Hope you can get the job you are applying for.
Take care
Thanks everyone, I suppose I'm just trying adjust to his ever worsening condition and don't know how. I genuinely thought it would be nice to take him shopping and lunch and then I turn up and it's like he's gone mad. He was walking around half dressed busying himself with nothing. I allowed myself 5 hours to take him to m&s and lunch, not too long ago he was still getting the bus to meet us and he only needed a call to prompt him to leave, it's completely unexpected that he'd be so drastically worse! Because he's thrown off my plans for my day off, I'm now going to have to do my conference call from the car outside the restaurant, then take him home and drive myself home in rush hour traffic. The routes I take pass the ring road, last time I drove there at this time it took me 1.5 hours - a journey that should only take 25 mins! And I have to come back the same way!!! Thought I was going to be able get my CV sorted then make a lovely dinner for my husband then chill out together in front of the TV, now he's going to make dinner and I'll have to do everything I needed to do today into the night instead! I don't get any help at the moment, I've had countless meetings and not moved anywhere close to getting help. Always being told different departments do different things!
No, you're not horrible, you're human. We all feel overwhelmed and underappreciated more times than we care to remember.
But if you accept that your idea of a nice day out is not the same as your Dad's anymore, both of you will be much happier. Just lower your expectations and go with the flow - it saves a lot of stress.
But if you accept that your idea of a nice day out is not the same as your Dad's anymore, both of you will be much happier. Just lower your expectations and go with the flow - it saves a lot of stress.
Very much agree with Beate. I used to give my mum 30 mins notice, that's how long it took me to get there, to get her coat & shoes on so she was ready to go over to the local cafe 5 mins walk away. Then I'd get there, shoes on but no coat, couldn't remember where it was. Then it was no shoes or coat, no money. Progressing to completely forgetting my phone call. It was taking an hour just to get out then constant anxiety whether door was locked, no money etc. Had to adjust to the increasing timescale, eventually took all afternoon just to get there & back. Sometimes after all the effort of getting her organised mum decided she didn't want to go! It is very frustrating but you can't hurry a person with dementia. I just didn't plan anything else for those afternoons.
Good advice from others above.
Do bear in mind that a sudden/dramatic downturn, especially if you notice a major and sudden change in behaviour and/or functioning, often indicates a medical (physical) issue, such as an infection (urinary tract infections are common culprits), cold, or even dehydration or constipation.
This is not to say that what you're seeing with your dad isn't simply the dementia advancing.
Sorry, none of that is cheerful or likely even helpful.
Do bear in mind that a sudden/dramatic downturn, especially if you notice a major and sudden change in behaviour and/or functioning, often indicates a medical (physical) issue, such as an infection (urinary tract infections are common culprits), cold, or even dehydration or constipation.
This is not to say that what you're seeing with your dad isn't simply the dementia advancing.
Sorry, none of that is cheerful or likely even helpful.
Hi I looked after my aunt for a number of years before my husband got Alzheimers and had a 30 minute drive to get there.
I used to plan to take her out and it took all day - yes, then finding rush hour on the way home.
Clothes not clean , no shoes, no coat then she'd get upset because she knew I was waiting. We'd go out for food and Id have to guess what I thought she would want and choose it myself as she would have what I had - strangely my OH now does the same thing.
It took every ounce of patience - and a few rants.
Keep at it, I think somewhere they they appreciate it.
I used to plan to take her out and it took all day - yes, then finding rush hour on the way home.
Clothes not clean , no shoes, no coat then she'd get upset because she knew I was waiting. We'd go out for food and Id have to guess what I thought she would want and choose it myself as she would have what I had - strangely my OH now does the same thing.
It took every ounce of patience - and a few rants.
Keep at it, I think somewhere they they appreciate it.
I think because the concept of time seems to go, along with empathy, these are common scenarios. Friends of my father used to go and do shopping for him. And then they would turn up for him to buzz them up to his apartment with the bags of food and he'd tell them to wait 'because I'm not ready yet.' And then he would go off and finish filing his nails and brushing his teeth and dressing and an hour later, waiting in the hot mediterranean sun, they would buzz up again, and he'd bark 'I told you to wait!' or something similar. It was so frustrating because he was still capable of knowing what groceries he wanted (even if he over-ordered everything and didn't pay any heed to health) or what he wanted to wear or was still punctilious about cleanliness, so it used to drive people mad. My brother once called me ranting from the doorstep. He'd flown all the way from America and been told to wait outside! 
Hi, why not get a key, or if it is a keypad get the entry code? My mother was in sheltered accommodation and all her family had a key. Regards.
