Obsession with driving

[Kirsty3030]

Hi, my dad has dementia and whilst still has his driving licence isn't safe to drive anymore - but because he's always driven miles for his work he is totally obsessed with himself driving and taking his car/having his keys. He knows we don't feel safe with him, he can't remember where his lights or indicators are, but every time we go anywhere it's such an issue and he becomes so volatile.
Any idea how we can stop this ?

 

[Philbo]

Hi Kirsty

I was "lucky" as when the memory clinic consultant diagnosed my wife's dementia, she asked if my wife was still driving. I said that she had already stopped, as her confidence had declined as her memory problems got worse.

The consultant instructed us to surrender her licence to the DVLA, which we did.

Others on here will give you direct advice/suggestions but the PWD often takes more notice if the "do not drive" message comes from someone in authority (GP, consultant etc).

Some folk have resorted to ploys such as saying that the car needs attention at a garage, moving it to a safe location and hopefully, the PWD forgets about it?

If you are still able to reason with your dad at all, maybe worth focusing on the issue of safety of his passengers and other road users, pedestrians etc?

It is a difficult one though. Good luck.

Phil

 

[canary]

This is such a big issue for many, many people. If you search for "driving" in the search box it will bring up so many threads.
The things you can do are
1) Inform DVLA anonymously saying that he has dementia and you do not feel that he is safe to drive anymore. Dementia is mandatory to be reported to DVLA, but I bet that there are many people who do not. DVLA will probably send him for a test drive to see if he is still legal for driving (dementia in itself doesnt automatically stop you driving). If his licence is revoked it may not stop the arguments, but will give you more authority. It stops it becoming you who is stopping him and becomes the DVLA
2) Disable the car in a way that he may not know how to fix it himself.
3) Use an excuse such as the car needs an MOT/ is not working and has gone to the garage for repairs to quietly get rid of it/move it out of sight
4) Take the keys off him and make sure that he never gets them back - dont forget the spares.

None of these are foolproof as the need to drive and maintain independence is deeply ingrained in most people. Eventually the need will pass, but this will be when the dementia has progressed to such an extent that he has forgotten about driving. In the meantime, it isnt just about your dad - he could cause a serious accident to other drivers and/or pedestrians.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I didn't have that problem with dad as he was ok with accepting me always driving when I lived with dad in his moderate stage. I always used my car and if he went to the drivers door I could easily guide him to the passenger door. However he was obsessed with always looking and checking his car was on the drive, many times day and night,he couldn't verbalize but knew he had a connection with the car. It wasn't being used so I sold it to use the funds for care..had poa...and felt totally betraying him and deceitful, arranged for the car to be collected while we were out...was ready for having to make an excuse love lie why it was not onthe the drive when we returned but....he even with it being an obsession didn't notice it had gone and eventually stopped looking because the visual clue wasn't there he had probably forgotten what he was looking for.

You must find a way now urgently to stop him driving, he is dangerous to others and himself. Blame it on the car, GP or a.n.other

 

[SouWester]

I have had two experiences of the driving problem.
1) My MIL who would not give up and whose doctor would not help. In the end we sold her car as being the only way we could stop her. Not good I know but effective.
2) My wife, in this case our Dr. was so helpful. He knew things were getting bad but when I raised it with him he refused to discuss it and said that is was nothing to do with me, it was strictly between him and the DVLA. He wrote to them, they revoked the licence and I was able to say that I had nothing to do with the decision. Just as well as my wife has taken it badly, rather unsurprisingly.

 

[jugglingmum]

You must find a way now urgently to stop him driving, he is dangerous to others and himself. Blame it on the car, GP or a.n.other

It isn't easy, but you do need to stop him, he might kill someone. I didn't have a clue about dementia so hadn't realised my mum's issues, until she got lost 50 miles off course, I am certain she nearly went down the dual carriageway the wrong was as she kept repeating that she hadn't done it. I didn't let her have her carkeys back again, and hid them so no one else in the house could give them to her (she wasn't confident enough to drive our vehicles as too big). She moved to sheltered extra care and kept asking why she couldn't drive for another 6 months (emergency GP didn't help saying he saw no reason she couldn't drive).

At the time my children were 8 and 12 and I had nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, as she had driven my children in her car when she was clearly not safe, if I had known more earlier I would have prevented her driving earlier.

It isn't about the risks to your dad but the risk to others.

 

[Fullticket]

I remember this time well. I bore the brunt of it but in the end I took the keys away from her, my brother then took the car (blue eyed boy (!) she accepted he needed it). It took nearly six months until she admitted that she did not want to drive any more - we kept reinforcing the scenario that, if she killed herself in an accident then that was her look out but if she killed someone else because of bad driving, could she ever forgive herself? Sounds harsh but she was not too far down the line then and we learn to deal with things in our own way and with our own PWD in mind. If you don't want to be the butt of the anger and/or aggression, get the GP involved as a first option. Otherwise, bite the bullet and be prepared to be the big meanie until they forget about it.

 

[DMac]

My approach was to disconnect the battery lead. It's easy to do - you only need an adjustable spanner. The car was still visible on the drive, but was 'broken'. She (MIL) kept asking, can you help me get it fixed? Yes, I said, each time I was asked, then promptly 'forgot'. Thankfully, she didn't have the wherewithal to contact the garage / vehicle recovery service directly herself. In the meantime, I notified DVLA anonymously.

This was less distressing to her than removing her car keys would have been.

 

[Josette]

Hi, my dad has dementia and whilst still has his driving licence isn't safe to drive anymore - but because he's always driven miles for his work he is totally obsessed with himself driving and taking his car/having his keys. He knows we don't feel safe with him, he can't remember where his lights or indicators are, but every time we go anywhere it's such an issue and he becomes so volatile.
Any idea how we can stop this ?

 

[Josette]

Hi - my husband, who has vascular dementia, disappeared one afternoon in the car and was found by the police five hours later over a hundred miles away. At that point I had to 'lose' the car keys and inform the DVLA for safety's sake and peace of mind.
Good luck.

 

[VonVee]

Hi, my dad has dementia and whilst still has his driving licence isn't safe to drive anymore - but because he's always driven miles for his work he is totally obsessed with himself driving and taking his car/having his keys. He knows we don't feel safe with him, he can't remember where his lights or indicators are, but every time we go anywhere it's such an issue and he becomes so volatile.
Any idea how we can stop this ?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but take the car keys away basically, and sell the car, hes got dementia, hes confused, so he wont remember anyway, tell him the cars gone to the garage to get fixed and just leave it at that. I lie to my mum all the time, i have to really, for my sanity, my mum does not drive a car, but she did drive a mobility scooter, and i took it away and sold it, after she decided to get off and leave it in the middle of a busy road, and accidentally putting it into manual as she panicked, so i was trying to move it, and couldnt, and it resulted in me being hit by a car, i was more in shock then hurt, but after that fiasco i sold the buggy. Its just not worth the risk.

 

[Hellyg]

Disabling the car worked for my husband (battery disconnected over night what he was in bed) sadly the car was broken. I was also very upset of course that I couldn't work out how to fix it...

It then went away to be repaired but sadly could not be (well was moved/hidden at my sisters and then sold to a company who buy any car ;-))

Strangely he never showed an interest to drive my car, I think because firstly he never had and secondly it was a company car, so he was 'not allowed to' I did hide the keys if I didn't go out in it at first, just in case, but no interest.

Thankfully within 2 weeks he forgot about driving, particularly once the nice kind taxi driver turned up to take him for his coffee trip, which he used to drive to. He now happily climbs into the passenger seat and waits to be driven to his destination.

 

[khimosabi]

All good points. Driving does seem to be the hallmark of indepedence for most. Whilst a diagnosis of dementia does not automatically equate to one's licence being withdrawn it is a requirement that the DVLA is informed if a diagnosis is made. Dependent on the stage the individual is at (think about mental capacity) one option would be for them to prove that their levels of concentration processing skills reaction times visuo spatial awareness and of course memory does not affect their ability to drive safely. There are many test /assassment centres across the country that are set up for this purpose and if the PWD is referred by their G.P. /consultant this is at no cost to them. They would need to be accompanied to the test centre as if found unable to drive safely it would be unwise /unlawful for the PWD to get back behind the wheel. Things to consider include the fluctuating nature of this dreadful condition as whilst the PWD may perform well at the assessment it does not gurantee that this will be sustained. If you have any reason to believe that the PWD is a risk to themselves or others if they get behind the wheel then you have a duty to inform the authorities. It helps alot if you have arranged alternative transport and some have capitalised on community car schemes and similar services. The cost of taxis is usually a cause for concern to the PWD and it may help to apply for any finacial entitlements (attedance allowance/ council tax rebate etc) to off set this cost. Conversations regarding money saved from vehicle maintainance works for some PWD. It is always better wherever possible that the PWD does not view their main carer as the person responsible for them not having their licence as this creates animosity and sows the seeds of doubt paranoia and mistrust none of which are conducive to a therapeutic relationship. So yes inform the DVLA let them hear it from their GP or consultant and if they continue to drive before the car vehicle is removed the police can be informed since most are dependent on others to arrange MOT insurance and tax this could be your opportunity. Keep all corespondence regarding decisions and remember each case should be judged on its own merits. A bit legnthly but the aim is to be helpful.

 

[john1939]

I was totally upfront about it I informed my wife again that she was unsafe to drive and that her licence was withdrawn. I told her that she could have it back if she passed a test. She did not want to be tested so no licence. Regards.