Hi having real issues with my mum in law and her neighbours. She is convinced she owns a strip of land between her garage and the the neighbours garden. It has been brewing for the last 2 years but really has come to a head over the last 12 months. She has been in touch with the council, solicitors, surveyors, land registry etc who tell her that there is no strip of land and her garage is the boundary. I have now found out she has been walking down the neighbours driveway and rattling their gate demanding they giver her gate and land back. The neighbours have video footage of this and would be within their rights to call in the police. My question is what if anything could the police do, would this reported to social services, is she at risk of being taken in to care? Never had to deal with this situation before and need advice. HELP!!!!!!!:
issues with neighbours
- Thread starter Tinkie1966
- Start date
Hi Tinkie, welcome to TP
I'm sure you've read the stories in the papers when these disputes between neighbours get out of hand and someone does something stupid you do need to avoid that happening. I'd go and see the neighbours and show them you're trying to address the situation, that you're sorry about what's happening and what you're trying to do about it. If you stay on side with them they're more likely to try and work with you rather than against you/her.
The neighbours may well have known her for years and possibly have been friends, so they may be sympathetic but they do have the right to live in their house on their land unmolested by her and if it carries on they are well within their rights to call the police.
If an incident occurred the police may well attend and if she became aggressive use a Section 5 Public Order Act as she'd be "a person likely to be caused harassment, alarm or distress" or if she "uses threatening [or abusive] words or behaviour, or disorderly behaviour".
I think it is more likely that if this happened they would take her to the local A&E rather than the police station if they were aware of her having mental health issues.
Even if they attend and calm her down and defuse the situation it should still be reported to social services if they go by the book which may trigger some action.
In her mind, reality is as she believes it to be, just as it is for us all, her "misbelief" that she owns the land is just as real to her as your knowledge that she doesn't, so in her head you're wrong in the face of all the evidence she's the one who's right.
I'd ask the question what do you want to happen? You could report her to social services as a "vulnerable adult" if you google the phrase "vulnerable adult" followed by the name of the local authority she lives in you should be able to do it on line, that at least puts her on their radar, if she refuses to engage with them there's little they can do unless they feel the situation is so bad they section her and put her in care.
You could try and explain this to her but I don't think it would do much good, as I say in her head she's the one in the right.
It's sad but crisis intervention is the way these days and it's sad that the situation she may find herself in if she doesn't stop harassing the neighbours may not be somewhere she'll want to be if she doesn't stop.
Good luck
K
I'm sure you've read the stories in the papers when these disputes between neighbours get out of hand and someone does something stupid you do need to avoid that happening. I'd go and see the neighbours and show them you're trying to address the situation, that you're sorry about what's happening and what you're trying to do about it. If you stay on side with them they're more likely to try and work with you rather than against you/her.
The neighbours may well have known her for years and possibly have been friends, so they may be sympathetic but they do have the right to live in their house on their land unmolested by her and if it carries on they are well within their rights to call the police.
If an incident occurred the police may well attend and if she became aggressive use a Section 5 Public Order Act as she'd be "a person likely to be caused harassment, alarm or distress" or if she "uses threatening [or abusive] words or behaviour, or disorderly behaviour".
I think it is more likely that if this happened they would take her to the local A&E rather than the police station if they were aware of her having mental health issues.
Even if they attend and calm her down and defuse the situation it should still be reported to social services if they go by the book which may trigger some action.
In her mind, reality is as she believes it to be, just as it is for us all, her "misbelief" that she owns the land is just as real to her as your knowledge that she doesn't, so in her head you're wrong in the face of all the evidence she's the one who's right.
I'd ask the question what do you want to happen? You could report her to social services as a "vulnerable adult" if you google the phrase "vulnerable adult" followed by the name of the local authority she lives in you should be able to do it on line, that at least puts her on their radar, if she refuses to engage with them there's little they can do unless they feel the situation is so bad they section her and put her in care.
You could try and explain this to her but I don't think it would do much good, as I say in her head she's the one in the right.
It's sad but crisis intervention is the way these days and it's sad that the situation she may find herself in if she doesn't stop harassing the neighbours may not be somewhere she'll want to be if she doesn't stop.
Good luck
K
I'd echo Kevinl's advice.
I'd also suggest YOU contact the police now and explain the whole problem to them. The police need to know before there's a crisis - and will then be forewarned to treat any aggro as a "vulnerable person" problem more than as a "dispute between neighbours". The police have encountered problems like these so often before - they may be able to reassure both you and the neighbours and perhaps offer new ideas on ways of sorting out the aggro.
I'd also suggest YOU contact the police now and explain the whole problem to them. The police need to know before there's a crisis - and will then be forewarned to treat any aggro as a "vulnerable person" problem more than as a "dispute between neighbours". The police have encountered problems like these so often before - they may be able to reassure both you and the neighbours and perhaps offer new ideas on ways of sorting out the aggro.
My mother had similar bees in her bonnet about property being 'stolen' - neighbours' son had stolen her garage, her sister had stolen their mother's house...
By then she was extremely reluctant to leave the house at all, so there was no harassment of neighbours, but I found I could pacify her by saying that was terrible, I had no idea, I was getting on to the police, a solicitor, etc., first thing tomorrow, not to worry, it would all be sorted soon. I could repeat this ad lib since her short term memory was practically zero.
Of course I had already found that trying to reason with her was worse than useless - she would just get angry and accuse me of being 'in league with' whoever it was.
Don't know whether similar tactics might help with your mum? Might be a bit too much of an ask to expect the neighbours to admit their 'guilt', though!
Ps - if you did try this, probably just as well to fill the neighbours in (having explained that reasoning is useless in the case of dementia) in case she told them you were getting the law on to them and they believed her!
By then she was extremely reluctant to leave the house at all, so there was no harassment of neighbours, but I found I could pacify her by saying that was terrible, I had no idea, I was getting on to the police, a solicitor, etc., first thing tomorrow, not to worry, it would all be sorted soon. I could repeat this ad lib since her short term memory was practically zero.
Of course I had already found that trying to reason with her was worse than useless - she would just get angry and accuse me of being 'in league with' whoever it was.
Don't know whether similar tactics might help with your mum? Might be a bit too much of an ask to expect the neighbours to admit their 'guilt', though!
Ps - if you did try this, probably just as well to fill the neighbours in (having explained that reasoning is useless in the case of dementia) in case she told them you were getting the law on to them and they believed her!
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Sadly this sounds all too familiar to me. My mother-in-law has an issue around the neighbour's trees that are growing at the back of her garden which is just about visible above her hedge. She is also convinced there is an alleyway behind her hedge and that the neighbour's trees are encroaching on it. Fortunately as she is not very mobile she can't go out of confront the neighbour. I have explained to her neighbour's on either side of her bungalow that she has dementia and that this is not a personal issue against them it is the illness talking. Fortunately they are quite ok with that. It is a pointless situation to try and explain the workings of boundaries land registry and any other thing regarding someone else's garden in my opinion. How my husband and I have dealt with this is to tell her that we are dealing with it that we have it all in hand and eventually it will sort itself out. I'm hoping that eventually she will be distracted enough to focus on something else.
My friends MIL seems to have dementia but the family don't want her to be diagnosed. She would like her to be diagnosed as she is concerned about her behaviour but her own children don't think it's necessary and think she should just carry in as she is.
She is convinced people are putting things in her wheelie bins, she is convinced that people are deliberately planting trees so they shed their leaves in her garden, she thinks that moss is taking over her garden and has now dug huge craters all over the lawn. Every couple of months she cancels her wheelie bins and then the next months she tells them to bring them back. She keeps hiding money and forgetting where she's put it. She is also convinced that all the neighbours are against her but my friend says they're all concerned for her and really nice people who have known her for years.
I think the best thing for the OP is to warn the neighbours that she has dementia but that you are monitoring it.
Just a passing thought, if you haven't done so already- has MIL lived there a long time- just possibly (maybe?) there is foundation for her statements. Have you done a land reg search yourself or seen the original land deeds?
I only raise this point because I have lived in this house all my life and know of at least 2 extremely local examples where people have "aquired" a little bit of extra land- it gets lost in time unless you have an old resident elephant there like me with a long memory
I only raise this point because I have lived in this house all my life and know of at least 2 extremely local examples where people have "aquired" a little bit of extra land- it gets lost in time unless you have an old resident elephant there like me with a long memory
Neighbour issues - losing the will to live!
Evening all, a big thank you for everyone who has responded, it's a real comfort to know that I'm not as alone as I feel sometimes. My hubby and i met the neighbours who seem perfectly rational people and not the family from hell as they have been portrayed. As we are still waiting for a formal diagnosis I can't say bare with us she has dementia, but I'm pretty sure they have put 2 and 2 together. Anyway upshot is a community officer is coming to see them and m.in.law. As this is an ongoing saga I'm not expecting it all to fade away and no doubt it will all flare up again and if it does die down, something else will replace it. Unfortunately my m.in.law lost her her husband many years ago and whilst a happy marriage they never did anything independently and she declined the chances to go to social groups etc and as she's got older now refuses point blank to venture any further than the local shop one a week, therefore she has all day to dwell on these issues.
I sometimes this really hard to deal with as my patience is on some days stretched to the max and I feel very close to losing it and realistically it's not going to get any better.
Just keep smiling
Evening all, a big thank you for everyone who has responded, it's a real comfort to know that I'm not as alone as I feel sometimes. My hubby and i met the neighbours who seem perfectly rational people and not the family from hell as they have been portrayed. As we are still waiting for a formal diagnosis I can't say bare with us she has dementia, but I'm pretty sure they have put 2 and 2 together. Anyway upshot is a community officer is coming to see them and m.in.law. As this is an ongoing saga I'm not expecting it all to fade away and no doubt it will all flare up again and if it does die down, something else will replace it. Unfortunately my m.in.law lost her her husband many years ago and whilst a happy marriage they never did anything independently and she declined the chances to go to social groups etc and as she's got older now refuses point blank to venture any further than the local shop one a week, therefore she has all day to dwell on these issues.
I sometimes this really hard to deal with as my patience is on some days stretched to the max and I feel very close to losing it and realistically it's not going to get any better.
Just keep smiling
Evening all, a big thank you for everyone who has responded, it's a real comfort to know that I'm not as alone as I feel sometimes. My hubby and i met the neighbours who seem perfectly rational people and not the family from hell as they have been portrayed. As we are still waiting for a formal diagnosis I can't say bare with us she has dementia, but I'm pretty sure they have put 2 and 2 together. Anyway upshot is a community officer is coming to see them and m.in.law. As this is an ongoing saga I'm not expecting it all to fade away and no doubt it will all flare up again and if it does die down, something else will replace it. Unfortunately my m.in.law lost her her husband many years ago and whilst a happy marriage they never did anything independently and she declined the chances to go to social groups etc and as she's got older now refuses point blank to venture any further than the local shop one a week, therefore she has all day to dwell on these issues.
I sometimes this really hard to deal with as my patience is on some days stretched to the max and I feel very close to losing it and realistically it's not going to get any better.
Just keep smiling
Sorry Tinkie - I assumed she had already been diagnosed since you are on Alzheimer's UK forum.
The reality is, dementia is one of those things that is often diagnosed late (and sometimes not at all) but people with dementia and their carers still have to deal with the ramifications, even without an official label.
As such, the forum welcomes everyone at every stage and Tinkie is absolutely in the right place.
As such, the forum welcomes everyone at every stage and Tinkie is absolutely in the right place.
Tinkie, before my husband was formally diagnosed (as Jennifer said, quite late, because he refused to go to appointments!), when his behaviour was causing issues, I would just apologise to people and say he had " some age related problems". People understood, and most responded along the lines of "well, we THOUGHT that must be the problem, but we didn't like to say anything."!
Dementia Diagnosis
Hi I'm really sorry if I have given the wrong impression here. My m.in.law has been for all the assessments, head scan etc and we are just waiting for the specialist's report. Deep down her friends and family know what the issue is but we just need to have something formal and in writing as all the speculation in the world doesn't confirm the situation. Her GP is also of the same opinion but obviously isn't an expert in that area.
Anyway things are no better if anything they are worse, her brain is playing really horrible tricks to the point where she believes she used to live next door and within the last couple of days is saying the neighbours are now using all her dishwasher salt down the side of the house and they are cutting pieces off her roof!!
Had a few days away recently and feel so guilty in saying it was actually nice that we had a rubbish phone signal and couldn't be contacted and other family members had to step in. Was lovely to be stress free for a few days. Feel guilty now though..............
Hi I'm really sorry if I have given the wrong impression here. My m.in.law has been for all the assessments, head scan etc and we are just waiting for the specialist's report. Deep down her friends and family know what the issue is but we just need to have something formal and in writing as all the speculation in the world doesn't confirm the situation. Her GP is also of the same opinion but obviously isn't an expert in that area.
Anyway things are no better if anything they are worse, her brain is playing really horrible tricks to the point where she believes she used to live next door and within the last couple of days is saying the neighbours are now using all her dishwasher salt down the side of the house and they are cutting pieces off her roof!!
Had a few days away recently and feel so guilty in saying it was actually nice that we had a rubbish phone signal and couldn't be contacted and other family members had to step in. Was lovely to be stress free for a few days. Feel guilty now though..............
No, dont feel guilty.
Everyone needs a break now and then and you didnt leave with no back-up. This is a difficult time.
Everyone needs a break now and then and you didnt leave with no back-up. This is a difficult time.
Tinkie if it is any help my Mum is just the same about her house and the neighbours, all sorts of scenarios.
Vascular dementia is the culprit..
Vascular dementia is the culprit..
If you can, obviously let the neighbours know, I would also agree that you should inform the local police, I would imagine if something happened they'd treat her differently if they knew in advance.
My dad believes the neighbours have put a curse on him. Unfortunately they're not very nice people and I don't trust them to tell them dad has dementia - I wouldn't be surprised if they buillied him and blame his dementia. A year ago things were very stressful and my brother and I had to do lots of pretending to speak to the police about it (ww said the police needed evdence), we had a friend's husband come round to bless the house to protect him. The hardest time came when he wanted me knock on to tell them to stop cursing him... at that point we took a f*** them attitude saying that you can ask them to stop but we can't guarantee they will and then they'll have won... over the last year he's become less bothered about them, although if something goes missing he blames them, the intensity of believing they had cursed him had abated hugely and is a relief for us all. Maybe try to ignore where you can and go along with it and pretend to do things to help when you can't and over time it will lessen?
My dad believes the neighbours have put a curse on him. Unfortunately they're not very nice people and I don't trust them to tell them dad has dementia - I wouldn't be surprised if they buillied him and blame his dementia. A year ago things were very stressful and my brother and I had to do lots of pretending to speak to the police about it (ww said the police needed evdence), we had a friend's husband come round to bless the house to protect him. The hardest time came when he wanted me knock on to tell them to stop cursing him... at that point we took a f*** them attitude saying that you can ask them to stop but we can't guarantee they will and then they'll have won... over the last year he's become less bothered about them, although if something goes missing he blames them, the intensity of believing they had cursed him had abated hugely and is a relief for us all. Maybe try to ignore where you can and go along with it and pretend to do things to help when you can't and over time it will lessen?
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