grandad, dementia and me - BBC1 10.45 tonight
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Review by David Butcher
This could be seen as a companion piece to last night’s Storyville about Morgan Matthews’s father. Matthews is executive producer here for another film about a father figure in steep decline, this time film-maker Dominic Sivyer’s grandfather, with whom he spent much of his childhood.
Tom Sivyer was a successful haulier who in 2014 was diagnosed with vascular dementia. Watching how the disease turns a big, charming character into an aggressive, confused shadow of himself is not easy, but Dominic’s willingness to chart every argument, every piece of denial (“I don’t feel ill at all… What’s mental about me?” Tom asks) is brave.
SUMMARY
Moving and intimate documentary following Tom Sivyer and his family after he is diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2014, filmed by his grandson Dominic. Shot over two years, the film captures Tom's rapid mental decline, and the attempts of his family to care for a once fiercely independent and proud man.
This could be seen as a companion piece to last night’s Storyville about Morgan Matthews’s father. Matthews is executive producer here for another film about a father figure in steep decline, this time film-maker Dominic Sivyer’s grandfather, with whom he spent much of his childhood.
Tom Sivyer was a successful haulier who in 2014 was diagnosed with vascular dementia. Watching how the disease turns a big, charming character into an aggressive, confused shadow of himself is not easy, but Dominic’s willingness to chart every argument, every piece of denial (“I don’t feel ill at all… What’s mental about me?” Tom asks) is brave.
SUMMARY
Moving and intimate documentary following Tom Sivyer and his family after he is diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2014, filmed by his grandson Dominic. Shot over two years, the film captures Tom's rapid mental decline, and the attempts of his family to care for a once fiercely independent and proud man.
I caught the second half, purely by chance. I did a quick search, but not on a plus one hour, or I'd have watched the start
To me, it felt a bit "twee". Sorry if that's upsetting to anyone, but the idea that he improved????
Is aggression & argumentative attitude is something I'm sure many of us will recognise. However, they were able to move him from family member to wife to ...., while most (I'm making an assumption), can't.
I can't see moving mum to a retirement village is going to make things better
To me, it felt a bit "twee". Sorry if that's upsetting to anyone, but the idea that he improved????
Is aggression & argumentative attitude is something I'm sure many of us will recognise. However, they were able to move him from family member to wife to ...., while most (I'm making an assumption), can't.
I can't see moving mum to a retirement village is going to make things better
One person's story is just that, no two stories are the same, if you want your 15 minutes of fame then do it. I'll watch it on catch up but (without having seen it) I guess it will be another gloss over the real, reality of our lives, possibly with music.
K
Hi
I watched it last night, as my wife (PWD) had gone to bed.
I found it very moving and sad at times but the overall impression concurs with Bod and sue_1's views that the relatives seemed to be putting the Dementia word in Granddad's face far too much?
Now I obviously don't know how much this was down to the editing, as the family certainly came across as very caring, despite having to cope with the decline of their loved one and his very challenging behaviours.
The most upsetting thing for me was seeing that despite the anger and frustration, they were still able to enjoy conversations and interactions. My wife's FTD have left her very happy but in her own little world, so I really miss having someone to chat to, share my thoughts, concerns etc.
Phil
I watched it last night, as my wife (PWD) had gone to bed.
I found it very moving and sad at times but the overall impression concurs with Bod and sue_1's views that the relatives seemed to be putting the Dementia word in Granddad's face far too much?
Now I obviously don't know how much this was down to the editing, as the family certainly came across as very caring, despite having to cope with the decline of their loved one and his very challenging behaviours.
The most upsetting thing for me was seeing that despite the anger and frustration, they were still able to enjoy conversations and interactions. My wife's FTD have left her very happy but in her own little world, so I really miss having someone to chat to, share my thoughts, concerns etc.
Phil
Watched Grandad dementia and me
Yes I watched it and whilst I agree with some of the other comments posted I found it comforting in a way because I could so identify with most of what was in the film. I found that Grandad's obvious distress of being out of his comfort zone and then later how his aggressiveness/ agitation lessening when he finally came back to live with his wife most heartening. As my OH is very verbally aggressive at the moment any signs that in the future this could get better allows me to keep struggling through. I know no two people are alike with dementia but all of us have to have hope or we will face a lifetime of despair.
Yes I watched it and whilst I agree with some of the other comments posted I found it comforting in a way because I could so identify with most of what was in the film. I found that Grandad's obvious distress of being out of his comfort zone and then later how his aggressiveness/ agitation lessening when he finally came back to live with his wife most heartening. As my OH is very verbally aggressive at the moment any signs that in the future this could get better allows me to keep struggling through. I know no two people are alike with dementia but all of us have to have hope or we will face a lifetime of despair.
I watched it too - and within 5 minutes I was wincing at the style of communication between the family and dad/grandad.
So much questioning, testing "do you remember", repeatedly telling him that he had dementia - I felt that encouraged the confrontation and aggression, with very little compassion.
That simply the family just did not understand dementia, and that everyone was angry.
But as the programme went on, a very interesting "one person's story" played out. I certainly couldn't have predicted how the next two years evolved. That the couple were fortunate enough to be able to afford a new home environment that suited them so well probably contributed to a happier set up as the programme finished, but how lovely for them all that there were some better times for all involved.
As always, thought provoking on many levels, and an interesting programme. But as to what impression about dementia those fortunate enough not to have lived with it might be left understanding is another matter!
So much questioning, testing "do you remember", repeatedly telling him that he had dementia - I felt that encouraged the confrontation and aggression, with very little compassion.
That simply the family just did not understand dementia, and that everyone was angry.
But as the programme went on, a very interesting "one person's story" played out. I certainly couldn't have predicted how the next two years evolved. That the couple were fortunate enough to be able to afford a new home environment that suited them so well probably contributed to a happier set up as the programme finished, but how lovely for them all that there were some better times for all involved.
As always, thought provoking on many levels, and an interesting programme. But as to what impression about dementia those fortunate enough not to have lived with it might be left understanding is another matter!
I too felt that the family constantly correcting him understandably made him more frustrated.
Poor man, when he said he'd collapsed unconscious & was anyone with him when he went to hospital, would it have been so hard to say "Yes, Grandad, we were all here" instead of the truth?
I felt sorry for them all, especially the Grandson who was trying to be there for both Nan & Grandad.
Lin x
Poor man, when he said he'd collapsed unconscious & was anyone with him when he went to hospital, would it have been so hard to say "Yes, Grandad, we were all here" instead of the truth?
I felt sorry for them all, especially the Grandson who was trying to be there for both Nan & Grandad.
Lin x
I too watched it and grew in frustration and sadness in equal measure that the family neither sought or were offered...by professionals in his sectioned placement or the nursing home...guidance in compassionate communication and joining his world early on to try to ease his and their own distress and anger. I feel that whilst he certainly looked physically better once back living with his wife from my experience with Dad and other relatives' experiences prior to and after care home, it has given the family false hope and they still did not seem to understand it is sadly in all cases to different extents a progressive illness so they are in for tougher times to handle. However any programme that shows an effect on the person and their family raises awareness although I personally would not have wanted Dad to be the subject.
Just watched this on iplayer and was shocked at how the man was spoken to. In fact I found parts of it quite difficult to watch. However, as somebody has already said - perhaps it was the editing that made it appear quite brutal in places.
My only pleasure was that the PWD seemed quite calm and happy at the end of the programme, and I hope that continued.
I think that the frustration, desperation, guilt and sadness of the wife was portrayed well - however, not every family has the wherewithal to improve situations by converting a studio in the garden, or moving to a retirement village. Not everyone has the support of a large family.
It would be a big invasion of privacy, but to broadcast some of the experiences that I have read on this site, where carers have no safety net of help or private funds, would bring far greater enlightenment and awareness to those who have not come into contact with dementia in any of its forms.
My only pleasure was that the PWD seemed quite calm and happy at the end of the programme, and I hope that continued.
I think that the frustration, desperation, guilt and sadness of the wife was portrayed well - however, not every family has the wherewithal to improve situations by converting a studio in the garden, or moving to a retirement village. Not everyone has the support of a large family.
It would be a big invasion of privacy, but to broadcast some of the experiences that I have read on this site, where carers have no safety net of help or private funds, would bring far greater enlightenment and awareness to those who have not come into contact with dementia in any of its forms.
That was shown, in a small way, in the BBC2 documentary "Hospital" last week. It featured patients with mental health issues and there were two PWD as patients. It showed the families trying to get help and how the lack of social care stopped the patients from being transferred out of the ward. One poor lady was obviously suffering from carer's breakdown
I agree though, it would be very eye opening for a lot of people to see a documentary about the battles carers have to fight and the reality of life as a carer.I've recorded "grandad, dementia and me" so will try to view it tonight.
I found it hard to watch too, I know we all have different breaking points, but I was a bit shocked at how harsh, well, direct more than harsh I suppose, that they were with him in the early days of his diagnosis. I felt very sorry for him, he seemed quite imprisoned and I think there could have been better options.
For me, what stood out, was that this was really a story of his wife's journey of acceptance other than anything else. I think that's what ultimately changed and so he could return to the fold, as it were.
As a wife whose husband was diagnosed with dementia 9 years ago I found the behaviour of Tom's family rather disturbing. He was almost being bullied and pushed from pillar to post. They are obviously a family of some means so I couldn't understand why they didn't employ a live-in carer so that Tom could be kept safe and happy in his own familiar surroundings. That's the most important thing for dementia sufferers, they need to feel safe. My husband feels vulnerable when he hasn't got his family and familiar things around him, that's why he still lives at home. Tom still had a sense of humour, had a much better memory of events than my husband will ever have (both past and present) and could still converse. Let's hope he continues to thrive in his new environment and that his family do not keep reminding him he has dementia.
I must be very hard but I didn't feel the family were particularly harsh, altho I did not see all of it. I agree with Boudicea that they could obviously afforded a live in carer but obviously being a man who was once very capable running his own business he may have found it very intrusive to have a 'stranger' in his personal space and that alone could have made his behaviour challenging.Maybe the idea had been explored and dismissed as not suitable.
It was truly remarkable how he returned to live with his wife in the end and seemed much improved, has anyone else experienced that?
Also re: compassionate communication. I know it makes absolute sense and prevents a situation escalating but how hard is it to put into practice in a volatile situation? Compassionate communication has deserted me several times over 7 years. I am glad they came to a happy conclusion and would not censure anyone for how they cope with their situation.
It was truly remarkable how he returned to live with his wife in the end and seemed much improved, has anyone else experienced that?
Also re: compassionate communication. I know it makes absolute sense and prevents a situation escalating but how hard is it to put into practice in a volatile situation? Compassionate communication has deserted me several times over 7 years. I am glad they came to a happy conclusion and would not censure anyone for how they cope with their situation.
grandad, dementia and me
I watched this and maybe I missed something, as what I saw was a man being totally controlled by everyone around him, even going as far as sectioning him because he had 'dementia'. What I saw later in the programme was that when everyone left him to live his own life they were all much happier. I saw that the wife needed help as she seemed to be the one with the problem and when she couldn't cope with life generally she blamed her husband and went off on holiday rather than getting help and dealing with what we all have to deal with. When she realised she couldn't manage without him and started being more of the wife she should be everything sorted itself out and his 'dementia' seemed to disappear. Of course the guy gets angry when you see what he had to deal with. Take any one of us, try to totally control our life, have your partner go off on holiday and the family say don't come home to him, then get us sectioned when we supposedly have dementia and we'd all get angry. At one point he was told if you don't get angry everything will be okay, then he's told he has to have a shower, now, and that he smells. One of the worst things is that the medical profession can also wreck peoples lives in the way they were doing. Surely when you see the end of the programme you understand that this really shouldn't be being talked about on this page unless of course, like me, you accept that it was the mans wife who had the problems.
I watched this and maybe I missed something, as what I saw was a man being totally controlled by everyone around him, even going as far as sectioning him because he had 'dementia'. What I saw later in the programme was that when everyone left him to live his own life they were all much happier. I saw that the wife needed help as she seemed to be the one with the problem and when she couldn't cope with life generally she blamed her husband and went off on holiday rather than getting help and dealing with what we all have to deal with. When she realised she couldn't manage without him and started being more of the wife she should be everything sorted itself out and his 'dementia' seemed to disappear. Of course the guy gets angry when you see what he had to deal with. Take any one of us, try to totally control our life, have your partner go off on holiday and the family say don't come home to him, then get us sectioned when we supposedly have dementia and we'd all get angry. At one point he was told if you don't get angry everything will be okay, then he's told he has to have a shower, now, and that he smells. One of the worst things is that the medical profession can also wreck peoples lives in the way they were doing. Surely when you see the end of the programme you understand that this really shouldn't be being talked about on this page unless of course, like me, you accept that it was the mans wife who had the problems.
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I agree completely, it was his wife who had the real problem, only when she accepted things and stopped being selfish did things change, there was no need for him to be put through all that. She needed to grow, it was a shame that it was at his expense
I am new to this forum but watched grandad dementia and me last night. I agree with what Walrus7 has said. Just a comment of my own. In my own family situation when my father's 'dementia' was diagnosed, I, my sister and my mother read all we could about the stages. There was great support on hand by the Alzheimers Society, so my mother never felt totally alone in the challenges ahead. The anger, frustration and physical harm stage was evident but we all employed some diversion tactics to get through it. This family didn't seem to seek much professional help and it would be almost impossible in Ontario, where I am from to get someone so easily 'sectioned'. I am glad with some understanding and compassion in the end, he seemed to be much happier.
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