Hello,
Any advice would be brilliant and whatever it is, well received..
I wonder what the best way of moving forward is with care/ support/ energy and what is out there in the world that might be suggested to help them. Should mum be going to a home, should they both. should i do more? I just do not know
i am new to to the world of on line support groups but would really appreciate any help.
My mum has mid/ late stages of dementia now after about 6/7 years of her suffering, my dad has been her primary carer but he has had frequent breakdowns of his own whilst looking after her and is resistant to asking for help. My wife and I always run to his help.
With my sister in Australia and my brother many miles away on the Isle of Wight who has two autistic boys, I am left closest to my mum and Dad who live in my town. I have four children and a busy business in the town which is demanding for me to run.
Although I have been happy to try and help over the last few years, often, either because of my Dads resistance to coming to terms with mums illness or my lack of successfully gaining his trust about moving forward and planning for the onset of the illness, it seems we bump from crisis to crisis with mum happily ignorant to her decline and my father resistant to advice or change at any point unless forced on him by professional or by having no other alternative. It has been hard to watch mums decline over the last few years where my mum initially lost her driving licence many years ago and my dads complete denial there was any problem until a year or so ago. Mum is around 77 Dad is 74. They have just agreed to have carers come in for an hour in the morning and in the evening which was a massive step forward.
His frail mobility has meant that they have not made it out and about very much. There has been a resilience to carers, cleaners and professionals. The sad part is after they had to move from their isolated house in the countryside a year or so ago, in their new house, they hardly go out anywhere. Mum has stopped showering and dad did not take a bath for six months as though he has given up and given up on her. Any conversation from me about this would seem to be strongly resented by Dad, again, as if he really did not want to be reminded, the new house was often a complete mess.
When we moved him to his new house, up until the day of the move, my mum or dad packed virtually nothing themselves and sat in their armchairs whilst the whole lot was sorted out for them. I understand this behavior from mum but my dads refusal to help with any decisions or care is almost impossible for us to deal with. Food is often completely out of date and I need to check the fridge all the time, which is fine but dad just doesn't seem to care at all. They had a very rocky marriage and I wonder sometimes if he really does not care for her. He unpacked none of her clothes, only his for example.
He would deny mum could not use the cooker or find the cutlery even until a few weeks ago, but she has not been able to cook a meal for herself for 2 years or so now. The result of this is that unless I just do every thing for him, like put stickers on the drawers, the cleaning, washing etc, no POA, no support for mum is put in place and so mums decline is very sad to see. He does no washing for her at all and they live off ready meals and pasties.
Another twist is that they are both very critical people which means that any jobs that I do are challenged with 'what a bloody mess, what the hell are you doing?' from mum when I changed their sheets today that were heavily soiled, smelly and bloodied. And when I asked dad if he needed any further help he just said no, they are fine.
Friday I called (i call in by phone most days if I can), dad had spent the day in bed leaving mum on her own (this has happened several times now without a call from him to ask for help), Mum was chaotic and fearful, not knowing what was happening or what was wrong with him, each time this happens I race round to see if he is dead. My mum can't use the phone and so I am always uncertain what is happening now or will happen next. I called them about 5pm and so by then she had sat downstairs alone all day and was very chaotic. Mum at best cannot put together a sentence at all well and her memory is very very poor indeed. She will try and make conversation sometimes and all that comes out is often either critical or quite nonsensical.She cant remeber where we live or how to make a phone call.
My father sits in his chair most of the time and may try and make it to the shop sometimes, just around the corner from his house, but that is the only excericse he will get. Mum might sometimes go with him, but mum is now very overweight with swelled and sore legs and my dad is now very thin and very very frail, often depressed which I have sympathies for him.
I have to be honest with you all, I really do not like their company very much as my dad never listened to moving many years ago and planning for mums illness, he refused to admit there was an issue until only the last few months. He has not planned POA or any advice from Alzheimer groups or anything at all. He rarely seems grateful for any help or time spent there and mum is very stressed and hyper negative and critical which I find difficult to constantly deal with. I also have four children of my own and my business which I have found has suffered recently as my emotions/ time and positivity have been drained badly by the very sad and sorry state my parents seem to be in, The doctor says I have to wait for a crisis but they seem so neglected i feel so guilty they are in such a state but I cant engage much help because dad is resentful of my interference.
I don't like being at their house much as 1) it is a toxic environment with one bickering with the other and complaining most of the time 2) I feel guilty as I feel i should do more but when I do help I am rarely thanked and feel guilty about interfering 3) The house is very smelly as they rarely bathe and they never go out or open the windows 4) When we do go out dad often talks to himself a lot and it is embarrassing and much criticizes him a lot which is sad to see (not a nice time) and they are very smelly and I havent been able to create regular bathing for them.
It seems to be all falling apart and I am the only one here, my brother seems disinterested to help as he never got on well with my dad and my sister says she is too far away to do anything.
I do not feel that I can run my business, care for my wife and children and care for them at the same time without something breaking - like my marriage, me, or my business.
What is the right thing to do? Can anyone help with some advice?
Any advice would be brilliant and whatever it is, well received..
I wonder what the best way of moving forward is with care/ support/ energy and what is out there in the world that might be suggested to help them. Should mum be going to a home, should they both. should i do more? I just do not know
i am new to to the world of on line support groups but would really appreciate any help.
My mum has mid/ late stages of dementia now after about 6/7 years of her suffering, my dad has been her primary carer but he has had frequent breakdowns of his own whilst looking after her and is resistant to asking for help. My wife and I always run to his help.
With my sister in Australia and my brother many miles away on the Isle of Wight who has two autistic boys, I am left closest to my mum and Dad who live in my town. I have four children and a busy business in the town which is demanding for me to run.
Although I have been happy to try and help over the last few years, often, either because of my Dads resistance to coming to terms with mums illness or my lack of successfully gaining his trust about moving forward and planning for the onset of the illness, it seems we bump from crisis to crisis with mum happily ignorant to her decline and my father resistant to advice or change at any point unless forced on him by professional or by having no other alternative. It has been hard to watch mums decline over the last few years where my mum initially lost her driving licence many years ago and my dads complete denial there was any problem until a year or so ago. Mum is around 77 Dad is 74. They have just agreed to have carers come in for an hour in the morning and in the evening which was a massive step forward.
His frail mobility has meant that they have not made it out and about very much. There has been a resilience to carers, cleaners and professionals. The sad part is after they had to move from their isolated house in the countryside a year or so ago, in their new house, they hardly go out anywhere. Mum has stopped showering and dad did not take a bath for six months as though he has given up and given up on her. Any conversation from me about this would seem to be strongly resented by Dad, again, as if he really did not want to be reminded, the new house was often a complete mess.
When we moved him to his new house, up until the day of the move, my mum or dad packed virtually nothing themselves and sat in their armchairs whilst the whole lot was sorted out for them. I understand this behavior from mum but my dads refusal to help with any decisions or care is almost impossible for us to deal with. Food is often completely out of date and I need to check the fridge all the time, which is fine but dad just doesn't seem to care at all. They had a very rocky marriage and I wonder sometimes if he really does not care for her. He unpacked none of her clothes, only his for example.
He would deny mum could not use the cooker or find the cutlery even until a few weeks ago, but she has not been able to cook a meal for herself for 2 years or so now. The result of this is that unless I just do every thing for him, like put stickers on the drawers, the cleaning, washing etc, no POA, no support for mum is put in place and so mums decline is very sad to see. He does no washing for her at all and they live off ready meals and pasties.
Another twist is that they are both very critical people which means that any jobs that I do are challenged with 'what a bloody mess, what the hell are you doing?' from mum when I changed their sheets today that were heavily soiled, smelly and bloodied. And when I asked dad if he needed any further help he just said no, they are fine.
Friday I called (i call in by phone most days if I can), dad had spent the day in bed leaving mum on her own (this has happened several times now without a call from him to ask for help), Mum was chaotic and fearful, not knowing what was happening or what was wrong with him, each time this happens I race round to see if he is dead. My mum can't use the phone and so I am always uncertain what is happening now or will happen next. I called them about 5pm and so by then she had sat downstairs alone all day and was very chaotic. Mum at best cannot put together a sentence at all well and her memory is very very poor indeed. She will try and make conversation sometimes and all that comes out is often either critical or quite nonsensical.She cant remeber where we live or how to make a phone call.
My father sits in his chair most of the time and may try and make it to the shop sometimes, just around the corner from his house, but that is the only excericse he will get. Mum might sometimes go with him, but mum is now very overweight with swelled and sore legs and my dad is now very thin and very very frail, often depressed which I have sympathies for him.
I have to be honest with you all, I really do not like their company very much as my dad never listened to moving many years ago and planning for mums illness, he refused to admit there was an issue until only the last few months. He has not planned POA or any advice from Alzheimer groups or anything at all. He rarely seems grateful for any help or time spent there and mum is very stressed and hyper negative and critical which I find difficult to constantly deal with. I also have four children of my own and my business which I have found has suffered recently as my emotions/ time and positivity have been drained badly by the very sad and sorry state my parents seem to be in, The doctor says I have to wait for a crisis but they seem so neglected i feel so guilty they are in such a state but I cant engage much help because dad is resentful of my interference.
I don't like being at their house much as 1) it is a toxic environment with one bickering with the other and complaining most of the time 2) I feel guilty as I feel i should do more but when I do help I am rarely thanked and feel guilty about interfering 3) The house is very smelly as they rarely bathe and they never go out or open the windows 4) When we do go out dad often talks to himself a lot and it is embarrassing and much criticizes him a lot which is sad to see (not a nice time) and they are very smelly and I havent been able to create regular bathing for them.
It seems to be all falling apart and I am the only one here, my brother seems disinterested to help as he never got on well with my dad and my sister says she is too far away to do anything.
I do not feel that I can run my business, care for my wife and children and care for them at the same time without something breaking - like my marriage, me, or my business.
What is the right thing to do? Can anyone help with some advice?
