Dad's debt, money issues and aggression.

[Nurseloopylou]

My dad has had memory problems for the last 3-4 years, but he his it well until about 2 years ago. For a long time it was short term memory loss, with Parkinson's and health deterioration.
Dad gave me a £1000 towards some house improvements around 6 months ago. Very recently I discovered he has significant debt, with a credit card, overdraft over his limit; and utilities debts. I got suspicious he may have debt a couple of months ago when he started asking to borrow money regularly. He receives his pension at the start of the week and around 5 days later he has run out. I know he is not making any payments on his utility bills and buys very little food. What he does is go to the pub every day and also smokes 40+ cigarettes per day. I've told him I want to pay off his utility bills and also have offered to buy him food, but he rejects this and wants cash only. I've also decided to set up a funeral plan that I will pay into monthly, to ensure I can afford funeral costs if and when my dad passed.
My dad is asking for around 30-40 pounds per week, which is preventing me from paying off his utility bills, as I have a lot of expense currently, with several dependents and my eldest son getting married in a couple of months. My dad has refused power of attorney and he seems unable to manage his finances. Also when he asks for money, if I tell him I cannot afford it, he is getting aggressive. He also asks several other members of the family, including my 20 year old autistic son. I'm at my word end with it all and I hate to see my dad's personality changing.
Two nights ago he asked for more money and then went straight to the pub and was buying others drinks saying we are going to pay him a 1000 soon. He then came and asked for more money the next day.
Any advice is greatly appreciated

 

[cobden28]

Certainly if your Dad refuses help in the form of groceries bought for him and his utility bills paid, if he insists on any help being in the form of cash only and he then goes and spends it in the pub or on cigarettes instead, you stick to your guns and refuse to give him the cash he demands .

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Nurseloopyloo

I don't have any great solutions, but a few suggestions you might like to try

Debt will be worrying for you, but your dad is either forgetting about it, or ignoring it. It is something you will need to get started on, for both of your sakes

If the credit card is up to its limit, with high interest, it's best to get rid asap. Suggest you contact the credit card people, tell them he is unwell, if he's had a diagnosis, tell them that & ask them to freeze interest & agree a repayment plan. Keep the payment low so you can be sure it will be paid. Get the account & sort code, then make your dad set up a standing order to get it started.

You will need to pile on the guilt & beg or cry or whatever works, but try to get this sorted. If you do nothing, they will be adding default charges, interest & the balance will just keep rising.

It might be worth checking if your dad is entitled to any other benefits to top up his pension. If he is living alone, he should be getting single person reduction on council tax, which is 25% off

If he doesn't sort out the gas / electric, they will force the issue & put in a key meter to recover the debt. It would be better for you to contact them & try to get a standing order at a set monthly rate, before that happens.

Best of luck, keep posting & others will gave more suggestions for you. As rules are different depending on where your dad is, it would help to know if you are in England, Wales, US etc

 

[DMac]

Hello NurseLoopyLou, and welcome to TP. You will find lots of support here.

I agree with cobden28; you must refuse to give in to his demands, for the sake of your own health and peace of mind, as well as your family's. You need to protect yourself and your family first, financially and physically.

I suggest you contact your local citizen's advice bureau in the morning, and explain the situation to them. They will point you in the right direction on how to sort out the financials.

If he gets aggressive and/or threatens you at any time, don't hesitate to call the police. It may sound drastic, but getting the authorities involved could be the best thing you can do for him. At least that way, he will get 'in the system' and hopefully, start to receive the treatment he needs.

Keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.

 

[Beate]

If he doesn't agree to LPA and you think he has lost capacity over his finances, you need to apply for deputyship in order to legally control his spending, and you need to grow a thick skin when refusing to give him money to squander. You can't be expected to pay off his debts and I would advise to see a debt charity to get on top of his situation. They might for example be able to help you with speaking to the utility providers and come to an arrangement of paying back debts in instalments. They can also let them know that he has a mental health problem and is a vulnerable adult.

They can also look into which additional benefits he might be eligible for. A big one is Attendance Allowance, following that he can apply for council tax exemption on the grounds of severe mental impairment. That is not the same as a council tax discount!

For the aggression, it might be an idea to inform his GP about it and see what he could do.

I think it would be a good idea to speak to the pub landlord and explain that your Dad is a vulnerable person who doesn't understand the value of money anymore so that they might stop letting him get too many rounds in. If someone with lost capacity signs a contract, that contract is by law nil and void. I don't see what's so different with other transactions. I'm sure the pub landlord does not want to be seen as exploiting a poor man with dementia!

 

[Beate]

Sam Luvit wrote:
"If the credit card is up to its limit, with high interest, it's best to get rid asap. Suggest you contact the credit card people, tell them he is unwell, if he's had a diagnosis, tell them that & ask them to freeze interest & agree a repayment plan."

I would be very careful with that. Firstly, they might not speak to you as you're not the card holder. But if they do and you tell them that he has dementia, his whole account might be frozen if the credit card is linked to it. Far better to simply scratch off the three digit number at the back so the card has limited use.

 

[Kevinl]

I nurseloopyloo, welcome to TP
It's a difficult thing to come to terms with, do you pay his bills or give money to someone who, at best is alcohol dependant?
I would say that you have to stop giving him cash and I would question paying off the debts he has, if/when it all goes A over T's and the Local Authority have to step in then the money you used to pay the bills is in a way wasted money.
I'm not advocating making a crisis happen but it is going to come from the sound of things so keep your money for when it does, all you're doing now is buying more time with money you'll never get back.
I'm sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but 40 fags a day and buying rounds in a pub then you pay the bills off
Time for some tough love Loopy.
K

 

[Oh Knickers]

Hi Loopy,

Echo what Kevini has said. It sounds as though your Dad is no longer competent where money is concerned. You are sounding, understandably, frazzled. Time to get help and time to stop giving him money.

It also sounds as though your dad needs more in terms of activity and social interaction. But 40 fags a day!

It sounds as though your dad is possibly eligible for Attendance Allowance. You can do that online or one of the organisations below can help with that. Once you get a diagnosis you can also apply for a Council Tax Disregard. Again, the organisations below can help with that. Your dad is actually sounding very vulnerable. He is not eating properly, putting his health at risk and has no understanding of his financial affairs.

Contact the organisations below who will be able to help guide you. They will also help with local clubs and Age UK with a befriender but not a pub companion. Scroll down the page and put in your dad's postcode.

Alzheimers Society
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Age UK
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Best of luck

 

[Nurseloopylou]

Dad's debt money issues and aggression

Thanks all for your comments.
Firstly I went to the bank with my dad, although he had forgotten what for and did not seem to grasp what was truly going on. He had no idea about his overdraft. The credit card is also with them.
They have frozen the credit card interest and he is unable to now use it. They have also frozen his current account with the overdraft. He uses his saving account for pension.
I also telephoned the utilities but they were unable to speak to me, because dad had not and would not give me permission, but I did give them Heads up about his mental health.
A turn of events has occurred; the crisis I was expecting has arrived. Dad collapsed outside of a pub the other day and was confused and not recognising people he knew. I drove him to A&E and had to wait 8 hours before a doctor saw him. The doctor was great and agreed he should not live alone and they have admitted him.
They have started him on treatment that is used for people withdrawing from alcohol, but he is also withdrawing from Nicotine. His confusion has escalated and they have put DOLS in place. He has rejected a nicotine patch and is in no for state to walk outside. Thankfully a social worker is going to be allocated.
I will get some debt advice and keep you posted.
Nurseloopylou

 

[HillyBilly]

It's not good to hear what has happened to your Dad but hopefully this crisis will get him (and you) the help, care and medical attention that is needed.
Do keep posting if you need support or to offload!

 

[LadyA]

A crisis is something we always try to avoid, but to be honest, in this case, I think it was a case of the sooner the better! Your dad is now safe and well cared for, and you have done very well with what you have taken care of so far.