How to keep gardener for MIL

[Rosettastone57]

Hi
MIL has mixed dementia, 91 and lives on her own in her own property. When she moved nearer to us about 10 years ago without the dementia, she couldn't manage the garden so we helped her to find a local gardener. MIL has always had OCD so the gardener never came up to her high standards and she sacked him after one season. She always managed to find another gardener but again they never lasted and in the last 7 years she employed 6 gardeners. MIL was diagnosed in 2015 and the gardener at the time I kept on when i took over POA and paid him myself from her account.
The current man is fully aware of her condition and has been empathetic to the situation and he does a good job.
The problem now as she deteriorates is her increasing unreasonable demands to yet again get rid of him. To be honest we have run out of local gardeners and of course she thinks there's always someone better just around the corner. Both hubbie and I have told her he's staying and that I employ him and I pay him and I will recuperate the money when she dies to keep control of the situation. At the moment it's a constant loop of asking when the gardener is going. It doesn't help that one of her carers helped a bit in the garden which I brought to the agency attention so they could reinforce this isn't in the care plan. MIL would like us to do her garden but we haven't got time nor the inclination.

I know there is no magic answer but I'm dreading her telling this man he can go. I've already warned him in advance she may speak to him about this so he knows he won't go unless I say so.

 

[2jays]

Mum was always sacking people I had put in place

Talk to the gardener. See how he feels about possibly being sacked by her.... constantly.... and let him know he is only officially sacked when you do it

In the great scheme of things.... despite the fact you want to keep things "nice" a battle over the garden isn't worth as much worry as it causes us

Maybe arrange a once a month garden clear up with this guy, until/maybe the gardener isn't such an issue for her

 

[Oh Knickers]

This is the old 'rock and a hard place' scenario. It might be worth considering getting MIL out of the way when this poor gardener comes round. Is there not a day centre or club she could go to? Could the carer not take her shopping for the time he - I am assuming gardener is a he - is round.

I'm afraid thre alternative is to look at either sheltered housing - an extra assisted living retirement home or a care home. It may also be worth telling her that that is what it is coming to and it is her decision.

Whichever way it is going to be a toughie.

Good luck.

 

[Bunpoots]

What if you just left the garden to turn into a jungle for a few weeks? Bet she'd appreciate the gardener then!!

 

[Jessie107]

Or you could tell her that the Gardener is very kindly offered to work for free! So would be very unreasonable to sack him.

 

[Spamar]

It's all very well doing that, Bunpoots, but mine took a whole summer, 8 hrs a week, to restore to some semblance of normality! That after one summers neglect?

 

[jugglingmum]

Could you get the gardener on side, and sack him each week, and get him to turn up in different clothes each week and give a different name, and pretend he doesn't know what to do, let her tell him and then get on with what needs doing? Depends how many hours he is there for.

Or if she goes to day care, or out at a set time each week and the gardener can come then?

 

[mrjelly]

Could you pacify your mum by telling her that you have given the gardener his notice, and the new one will start next week? Meanwhile, the guy could get on with his last few jobs while expressing regret he is leaving soon. Rinse and repeat!

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi unfortunately she is not at the stage where she fails to recognise people .The gardener comes once a fortnight for an hour and does a very good job. We tried to alter the timing of the gardener turning up to a lunchtime when the carer was there to try and distract her , unfortunately that caused even more aggression because mother-in-law couldn't take full note of what the gardener was doing. She refuses to go to a day centre that in itself is another story and refuses to go out of the house unless my husband takes her somewhere which doesn't happen very often as he works full time. So we are left in a difficult situation all we can do is try and keep a lid on it.

 

[Oh Knickers]

Hi,

This is sounding utterly frustrating. One final suggestion.

Age UK befrienders. Age UK offers this service at a charge. They try to match the interests of the person who needs befriending to the befriender. A friend of mine with an equally sticky MIL tried it and it did work far better than expected. It is a case of trying to get your Mum/MIL to take to this and go out whilst the poor gardener is there.

Not much fun for you and hardly fun for the gardener.

The alternative is that the garden turns into a jungle which is not a solution.

Very best of luck.