Settling into Care Home advice urgently needed!

[DeborahJayne]

Hi everyone, today was my grandmother's first day in a Care Home following nine months of living with my mum and latterly two months in hospital. She has vascular dementia. She seemed to settle ok when I was with her today but when my mum visited this evening she demanded to be taken back to my mums house. My mum obliged. I am very worried for my mum who has really reached the end of the line at the moment and tomorrow she must work while my grandmother is home alone.

Can anyone advise of similar experience and what you did for the best? We have no other option for my Gran's Care but this Care Home as staying with my mum cannot be an option as it is affecting my mum's health.

Any thoughts very much appreciated on how to return my gran and settle her in.


Thank You!

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi everyone, today was my grandmother's first day in a Care Home following nine months of living with my mum and latterly two months in hospital. She has vascular dementia. She seemed to settle ok when I was with her today but when my mum visited this evening she demanded to be taken back to my mums house. My mum obliged. I am very worried for my mum who has really reached the end of the line at the moment and tomorrow she must work while my grandmother is home alone.

Can anyone advise of similar experience and what you did for the best? We have no other option for my Gran's Care but this Care Home as staying with my mum cannot be an option as it is affecting my mum's health.

Any thoughts very much appreciated on how to return my gran and settle her in.


Thank You!

o

I have no experience yet of getting a PWD into a home and others more experienced here will be able to give information. But I'm going to be blunt. Your mum can't give in to this it's not fair on her or gran. It sounds like gran should be back in the care home and family should not be emtionally blackmailed.. This is about gran's needs not her wants. Hopefully better advice will be forthcoming.

 

[onlyme1]

Hiya deborah, is there an option for your grandmother to return to the care home? If so, sounds like your mum may be best not visiting at first. My parents have been in a home for 3 yrs now, they went on a month's trial, mum settled well but dad asked about 'going home' every time I visited. it was only when I told him straight 'this is your home now, you live here with mum' that he accepted it. What a huge decision, but the best one. I do hope you and your mum can agree what to do next. Lindy. X

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi DeborahJayne, and welcome to Talking Point.

I have to say, I think your mother made the wrong move here, although I can see how it happened if she wasn't prepared.

I think the first thing you need to do is find out if the home in question will take your grandmother back. It's possible they won't in which case you will need to find another care home if your mother is so close to breaking point.

 

[DeborahJayne]

Thank you so much for your responses. I believe the Care Home will take her back. Talking her round is a challenge as her understanding is quite poor now. I guess I'm facing the decision to return her absolutely against her will - I.e. Very distressed and upset. My husband is happy to help me and my grandmother responds well to him however at the end of the day we would be leaving her there against her will which is a hard thing to bear.

 

[jugglingmum]

I think if you read through a few posts on here many PWD don't understand the need for a care home, so 'against their will' is part of their loss of understanding. It is about her needs, not her wants as an earlier poster said.

We all want to drink and eat bad foods but we know we can't as those aren't our needs but a PWD no longer understands their needs.

There is much advice about not visiting too soon if it distresses the PWD, and some will ask to go home for many months, particularly in the evening, when they are often at their most anxious.

 

[canary]

Hello Deborahjayne

Unfortunately people with dementia reach a stage when they are completely unable to understand their own circumstances and the consequences of their decisions and someone else needs to make decisions for then that are based on their needs and what is best for them rather than their wants. It sounds hard, but their wants are impossible to do, even though they do not realise it. Your grandmother has definitely reached that stage. If your mum is taken ill your gran would have to go into a care home anyway.

Demanding to go home is absolutely par for the course and you will never be able to explain why they cant go home - it will just upset or anger them, so you have to be sneaky. When you take her back to the home, dont tell her that is where she is going, just say you are going somewhere for lunch, or some other excuse. Arrange it with the care home, so that you can work together - care homes are used to this sort of thing. Fix a bright smile on your face (even if you dont feel it) and go in with a breezy isnt-this-all-very-nice attitude, then when she is distracted by tea/lunch/carer showing her "something important" make your escape. Tell her you are going to the loo or need to speak to someone and just go. Dont do goodbyes and DO NOT CRY IN FRONT OF HER. Remind yourself that she is safe, warm, fed and looked after by people who are not exhausted and need sleep.

When you do go back (and it might be best not to visit for a few days) dont stay long and be prepared for the inevitable "want to go home" loop. I f she cant understand the truth (which she cant) then you will have to come up with a reason that will satisfy her (known as "love lies" on here. My mum went into her care home following a stay in hospital too, so every time she wanted to go home I told her that she was convalescing and when she wanted to know when she was going home, I told her it was up to the doctor. It took her a couple of months to settle down and stop asking, but once she had settled she thrived and was happy being there - she liked having people around all the time, she settled into the routine, joined in the activities and put on some weight (she had lost a lot).

I know it all sees pretty dire at the moment, but Im sure your gran will settle too - it will just take time.

 

[jenniferpa]

This where love lies come in: you can go home when you are better, you can go home when the doctor is happy for you to go, the house needs to be repaired, you can go home when that is done.

I personally like "you can go home when you can take care of yourself/are better" because that's not actually a lie.

 

[canary]

I personally like "you can go home when you can take care of yourself/are better" because that's not actually a lie.

I tried that one with mum, but it cut no ice because she was convinced that she was better and she could look after herself
I found "when the doctor says so" was something she (grudgingly) accepted and wasnt a complete lie as if she was actually able to go home the doctor would say.

 

[jenniferpa]

Yes I know. You do have to look at the specific person and make a call based on this. In my mother's case it was "look what you can get for free to help you get better" that worked. She never knew that she was paying for it.

 

[Amy in the US]

I think one of the hardest parts of caring for someone with dementia, is having to make decisions in their best interests and to keep them safe-to give them what they need, not what they say they want.

The wish to "go home" is very common in PWDs (persons with dementia) and often means a place where they feel safe, feel better, a childhood home, or not a real place at all. Often a PWD who is home, will want to "go home." If you're not prepared, it can definitely take you by surprise.

It's really not easy, I know. When my mother moved into her care home, I didn't visit her for over a month, because my presence upset her so much, and triggered all sorts of anxiety, anger, and delusions. I had to work up to visits. My mother also wanted to go home, but in her case it was a demand, be made, you see, there is nothing wrong with her. In addition to her Alzheimer's and short term memory loss, she has anosognosia-an inability to understand there is anything wrong with her. So in her head, she's fine, and can look after herself. This is not uncommon with dementia, and my mother can be very convincing.

Sorry you and your family are having such a difficult time. Best wishes.

 

[Witzend]

Can you show your mum these replies?
Lots of us here have been through this, and we do understand just how hard it is. But sadly, your gran is never going to understand that your mum is no longer able to give her the care she needs, or that she now needs 24/7 care. Or even that there is anything much wrong with her - also very common.

Wanting or demanding to go home is SO common during the early days and weeks, so the 'love lies' others have described are the way to go - whatever you can think of that sounds plausible. If your gran has been in hospital, then 'blaming it in the doctor' - I.e. the 'convalescent' bit, or 'when the doctor says you're well/strong enough' could be the way to go.
So please reassure your mum how very common this is, and that your gran will almost certainly settle sooner or later, and maybe sooner than she imagines. It might be best to cut visits down for a while, which can be difficult for the visitor, who feels they ought to go every day, but if visits are only going to unsettle the person, it may well be for the best.
All the best. [SUP][/SUP]

 

[Grannie G]

I told my husband he was in residential care on doctor`s advice. This took the blame off me.

I told him he needed to build his health and strength because he had lost so much weight , which was why he was having trouble walking. His legs were too weak.

I referred to the carers as nurses.

 

[Rosnpton]

Hi
Mum has been in her ch since April last year,and still asks to go home
There is no way she can look after herself
Double incontinence.
Was walking with a zimma,but now relying more and more in a wheelchair
Hides meds if not watched like a hawk to make sure they are taken
Cannot wash / dress without help

She also believes there is nothing wrong with her,and that she is fully independent

The psychologist at memory clinic in May,told us to answer any questions with a very short honest answer,then distract her
So mum 'why can't I go home?'
Us 'the dr.is worried about the number of fall you have. Shall we go in the garden/play scrabble?' Etc
We were also told to only visit once a week until she stopped this behaviour,or seemed more settled. A year on,it is still only once a week.

The ch.are very good at letting us know how she is when we aren't around,and mostly more settled with the other residents. It seems that seeing family,y makes her remember what it is she is missing.ie.the home/neighbours etc
Hope you can get grandma back into the home
Ros