anyone having serious problems with siblings?

[Onmyown]

I am caring for mum with dementia for eight years on my own but the "invisables" like to interfer and cause trouble constantly one nears near by and hardly ever visits or takes mum out, the other a sister in france flits in and out once or twice a year is a classic narccissist,they dont help just want to control things.

latest now im being reported for abuse shouting at mum and taking her money?? more obsessed by mums pension than her mental health?

 

[Skyrim]

Problems with siblings

Oh dear, I do sympathise....siblings can be a blessing or a trial and you seem to have the latter version! If you can't call a group meeting and thrash things out within the family, I'd get some moral support from your local Carers group, age concern or possibly Social Services. Ask what courses of action you need to take -good financial records for example. do you have power of attorney, do you need to have it? All that sort of stuff. This is not a new problem but you need back up and moral support and you don't want the grief of a safeguarding allegation. I speak with some experience of MIL's grandaughter springing up out of the blue and making totally unfoundecd accusations. Get the authorities on board yourself, they can be more than helpful. Good luck!

 

[Hamster Wheel]

My heart goes out to you

Many a time I thought I'd be better off as an only child. Fed up up s-I-l telling me that when her friends mum died father took them on a cruise hint hint! some people only see money. Must admit to grooming my children to stick together and put me in a home if the time comes as I don't want them to be in my position. I know it's not easy but can you ask for siblings to take over for a couple of weeks so you can disappear - they may get an Idea of what you are going through. Remember you are better than them! Get support from social services or local Al soc group, remember they will have come across this many times. Don't worry, we are all here. Big hugs.

 

[tbuffalohead]

I'm in the same boat

I totally understand what you're going through and how you feel. My sisters brought my dad to Me 3 years ago with one day warning that they were coming from Omaha Nebraska with him. They never call him they never come see him yet they feel like they have the right to tell me what I should and shouldn't do. I have one sister that calls drunk and yells and cusses at him because she's afraid he's going to leave me his land. I oversee everything and have a POA yet they still think they can tell me what to do. The sister that calls drunk has also called Adult Protective Services on me saying that I was misusing his funds. They have no idea how much it cost to care for a person with dementia with the cleaning supplies and the pull-ups and the special food and medication it's more than what he gets from his Social Security. I'm grateful that I have this opportunity to care for my dad it would be nice to have a break every once in a while but all I can say is that when he passes away they're going to have to deal with their own conscience because they know they did not help. It makes me sad for him cuz he asks about them and they can't even pick up the phone to call him

 

[Delphie]

How stressful for you! Who are you being reported to Onmyown?

To be perfectly honest that would be my line in the sand. I think I could just about take a sibling having very little involvement (circumstances and characters vary) but malicious accusations are something else entirely.

I'm sure you'll be given ample opportunity to show that no money has been misappropriated and that you are a good carer. That done, I would make it very clear to the accuser(s) that they are no longer welcome in your life and that if they want to have any say at all about mum's care they can have it if they take over looking after her.

 

[Marcelle123]

You have my sympathy and best wishes. My sister was initially supportive when my mother was hospitalised last year before being moved to a care home. But when it seemed, briefly, as if Mum might have to be moved on, owing to aggression, my sister's way of reacting to the stress was to attack me verbally in a savage and unprovoked way. It was a terrible shock to me.

I think it's good advice given above to make sure that all financial dealings are recorded and that anyone making accusations against you can be shown 'not to have a leg to stand on'. Also, it's best to get the sympathy of any caring agencies involved - or even ask advice from Age Concern or others.

Then you need to think what the best way is for you to handle the interpersonal stress. In my own case, I was able to avoid an absolute breach and have kept things distant and polite. It's been extremely hurtful but the wound is just beginning to skin over. I know that if I'd attacked my sister in turn, or let her cut off all relations with me, my pain would have been even greater.
But some people advocate firmly stating one's point of view before severing links.

Take the course of action that causes you least stress. You are the one who counts here. You have been strong for your mother and you do not deserve to be attacked or hindered.

Very best wishes