My parents (both in their mid 70's) have serious health issues and we soon expect a diagnosis of dementia for dad. My mum is being tested for Parkinson's, their mobility is poor and I suspect both of them are suffering depression now... they look 90 not 74 now and have given up... I feel so guilty, I just wished it was over for both of them. They have no quality or enjoyment of life and appear to have given up. Every time I speak or see them, which is daily... I come away wanting to slit my own throat. Watching them decline daily is literally tearing me apart [emoji26]
So guilty how I feel
- Thread starter Moglie
- Start date
oh Moglie
what can anyone say to you - you have nothing to feel guilty about; you are standing by them both and doing what you can for them - sadly their health is out of your control, out of anyone's - you did nothing to cause their conditions - probably neither did they - sadly, life can play some nasty tricks on us
have you someone to offload these feelings on ... you need to get them aired so that you aren't overwhelmed - and to find a way to have something in your life that gives you pleasure
maybe what you see as 'given up' is their way of dealing, with acceptance; sometimes when you are so tired the best way to 'fight' is to sleep; not everyone has the inclination or energy to rage
I'm waffling - and don't want to offend
keep posting here, members will support you
best wishes
what can anyone say to you - you have nothing to feel guilty about; you are standing by them both and doing what you can for them - sadly their health is out of your control, out of anyone's - you did nothing to cause their conditions - probably neither did they - sadly, life can play some nasty tricks on us
have you someone to offload these feelings on ... you need to get them aired so that you aren't overwhelmed - and to find a way to have something in your life that gives you pleasure
maybe what you see as 'given up' is their way of dealing, with acceptance; sometimes when you are so tired the best way to 'fight' is to sleep; not everyone has the inclination or energy to rage
I'm waffling - and don't want to offend
keep posting here, members will support you
best wishes
You have nothing to berate yourself for and if you feel guilty for wishing them both dead so they no longer linger and suffer that's understandable too.
Remember though that watching them decline is probably harder for you than for them who are living day to day with it where their decline has come over time and some comfort will be had for each of them having a partner who shares the experience.
It is sad when parents decline at the same time and can leave, even adult children feeling like orphans. I hope you have someone to offload to and if not come back here, always someone to reply, take care. X
Remember though that watching them decline is probably harder for you than for them who are living day to day with it where their decline has come over time and some comfort will be had for each of them having a partner who shares the experience.
It is sad when parents decline at the same time and can leave, even adult children feeling like orphans. I hope you have someone to offload to and if not come back here, always someone to reply, take care. X
Thank you for your kind words. I don't really have anyone to offload my feelings on to - my husband hears the same old moaning from me, what can he say, it is what it is! I do wonder whether I should get some professional help in dealing with this all. I'm on anti-depressants myself for clinical depression, all of which stems from issues with my parents. I have been reading about anticipatory grief and this really resonates with me; its almost like I'm grieving already before they have died. The fact they are both fading fast at the same time is doubly hard. Getting old certainly does suck!
Wow, nail on the head - this is how I am feeling exactly, it is like I'm a child again and about to be orphaned. Over the years I have had a complex relationship with them both, they were both high achievers and dare I say selfish when my brother and I were growing up. Now it is role reversal and they need us more than ever, I guess I feel angry that they want us now. So many feelings are bubbling to the surface, my brother (he is older than me) feel exactly the same, but he is able to deal with it better than me. So sad
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Feel for you Moglie as my Dad died aged 84 with dementia and Parkinson's and the changes he underwent were terrible to witness but no guilt as he never caught it off me and even though my caring was mainly sitting with him and going general help when possible I knew I could do no more.
Now my OH has Alzheimer's and I do have guilt, as I think most caregivers do, but not for the disease but from selfish thoughts about my quality of life and how all my dreams and plans will be governed by it. This is normal as is wishing them the peace of death which in most cases is a blessing.
So, don't feel guilty and know that if they could, they would be thanking you for doing what you do and for caring as best you can.
That's exactly it, I'm nearly 50, my husband has just turned 50 - we want to live our lives but we can't. I don't know how long my parents will be here, but I feel (selfishly probably) that I can't live my life until they are gone. When I was little a friend at school (we must have been 9 yrs old) her whole family got wiped out in a car crash, mum, dad and brother... the school friend was the only survivor. I often think of her now - 40 years later and she will not have to watch her parents get old and die... in someways I'm jealous of that and then I feel guilty thinking like that.
I understand your feelings Moglie. I feel riddle with guilt most of the time about mum being in care now and not being totally happy. I always want everything to be perfect for my loved ones, although it seldom is.
I also understand what you say about both parents being ill. I remember going to visit my mum and Dad once and they were both upstairs in single beds one afternoon. They both looked awful. Dad had been sent home with terminal cancer to die and Mum was supposed to be looking after him and she'd not long had a second bowel cancer operation. He was 85 and she was 81. I made them drinks, we chatted, I pretended to be all chirpy, cut dads toenails, tidied up a bit and then had to leave to get back to cook for my own family. I drove about a mile with tears streaming down my face and had to pull over and just howled for about 10 minutes non stop.
It's all bloody awful.
My mum and Dad were always busy ... Dad would be gardening and mum would be knitting or sewing or baking. They never sat around so to see them both in bed was a huge shock but sadly that then became the norm.
Sending you lots of love xxx
I also understand what you say about both parents being ill. I remember going to visit my mum and Dad once and they were both upstairs in single beds one afternoon. They both looked awful. Dad had been sent home with terminal cancer to die and Mum was supposed to be looking after him and she'd not long had a second bowel cancer operation. He was 85 and she was 81. I made them drinks, we chatted, I pretended to be all chirpy, cut dads toenails, tidied up a bit and then had to leave to get back to cook for my own family. I drove about a mile with tears streaming down my face and had to pull over and just howled for about 10 minutes non stop.
It's all bloody awful.
My mum and Dad were always busy ... Dad would be gardening and mum would be knitting or sewing or baking. They never sat around so to see them both in bed was a huge shock but sadly that then became the norm.
Sending you lots of love xxx
I understand your feelings Moglie. I feel riddle with guilt most of the time about mum being in care now and not being totally happy. I always want everything to be perfect for my loved ones, although it seldom is.
I also understand what you say about both parents being ill. I remember going to visit my mum and Dad once and they were both upstairs in single beds one afternoon. They both looked awful. Dad had been sent home with terminal cancer to die and Mum was supposed to be looking after him and she'd not long had a second bowel cancer operation. He was 85 and she was 81. I made them drinks, we chatted, I pretended to be all chirpy, cut dads toenails, tidied up a bit and then had to leave to get back to cook for my own family. I drove about a mile with tears streaming down my face and had to pull over and just howled for about 10 minutes non stop.
It's all bloody awful.
My mum and Dad were always busy ... Dad would be gardening and mum would be knitting or sewing or baking. They never sat around so to see them both in bed was a huge shock but sadly that then became the norm.
Sending you lots of love xxx
God, I'm so sorry - I too have gone out for a run and literally cried the whole way around for the entire run.. looking like a completely looney! The hardest thing is my dad was a professional footballer in the late 50's and through the 60's... played with some of the biggest names in the game and like them (4 out of the 1966 world cup team) now faces dementia. Everyday its like a little bit more of him goes, I'm dreading next week, when I anticipate they will tell him he can't drive anymore (he got shirty with my mum last week, as he parked up in a loading bay and refused to move it!)... I've never been a head in the sand kind of person, but I could quite easily just run away at the moment. I try to explain to my husband how I feel, but he is typical military, i.e. it is what it is and just get on with it! Not very helpful when everyday I dread what will happen.
You mentioned "anticipatory grief", but tbh, with what you deal with when watching someone you love gradually slipping away from you through dementia, with all the sometimes quite dreadful things that brings with it - I don't think there's anything"anticipatory" about the grief you are going through!
It's been said that with dementia, we lose our loved ones three times: first, we lose them to the illness. Then, usually, we lose them when they need to go to full time care, and finally, we lose them when they die. Each loss is different, but each is very real, and each loss must be acknowledged and grieved. To watch the strong and stalwart people of our childhood, those who as children we thought were ageless and invincible, and would always be there for us, now declining and becoming like shadows - of course that's heartbreaking. And rightly so. So treat yourself kindly and gently. xx
It's been said that with dementia, we lose our loved ones three times: first, we lose them to the illness. Then, usually, we lose them when they need to go to full time care, and finally, we lose them when they die. Each loss is different, but each is very real, and each loss must be acknowledged and grieved. To watch the strong and stalwart people of our childhood, those who as children we thought were ageless and invincible, and would always be there for us, now declining and becoming like shadows - of course that's heartbreaking. And rightly so. So treat yourself kindly and gently. xx
Moglie - i have read about the link of football players who go on to develop dementia.
I am so glad Mum got to 92 before her dementia kicked in and that so far it's not too bad. The medication she's on has helped I'm sure
Newsflash it's on 10 pm news just now about the footballers/dementia and Alzheimer's society.
Yes, the PFA are going to do a study as they have finally admitted through the lobbying done by Jeff Astle's family... that there is now a real problem with older players developing dementia. So many players are dying with this now, it is scary
I think the anticipatory part is the impending doom, knowing there is no coming back from this illness... I have watched dad decline now since 2010 but in the past year or so, he really has become frail now - I can see it in peoples faces when they see dad, that they have that face of pity... I just worry that mentally I am not strong enough to go through this journey with them, but I guess everyone feels like that.
Dear Moglie, I am in the same situation as you are...my Dad is facing Alzheimer's and Parkinson, we found out 2 years ago, when he also developed prostate cancer and had radiotherapy...last year we almost lost him to Clostridium Difficile infection...I hoped a lot that treatment for PD and dementia will stop for a while the progression...it was the best father in the world for me...he was also a good looking man and seeing him now at 78, so fragile and with that expression on his face, it almost kills me inside...don't know how to support my mother in this journey, she is having big issues with her feet, moving so slow and really helpless...I am paying someone to take care of them each day from 7 am to 4 pm...but they are alone during the night...it's very hard to find someone to trust...I don't want to put them in a care home yet..my Dad is still conscious and he would suffer a lot..I can't do them this at least, not yet... I wish I could give my Dad a few years from my life, just to see him again like he was 2 years ago...it's very frustrating, my husband lost his father also to Alzheimer's in 2012 and his mother committed suicide because she didn't stand to see her husband in such condition...I feel so alone in all this trip..my psychiatrist keeps telling me that this is the normal that parents go before children...I know this but it's hard to accept...I have no children, only a stepdaughter, 30, I raised her since she had 12 and now she's like a stranger to us... I work with very young people who doesn't face such problems and again I am feeling that no one understand me...most of my friends doesn't have issues with their parents, even some of them are older than mines...don't have siblings, it's only me and my mom...and my husband from time to time...I am upset with God, with the whole world...why my Dad? So you're not alone here, we are many in the same situation....I am crying right now, when I am writing this message..and see my young colleagues laughing and having fun...I am just out of the picture...God bless all parents suffering from this awful disease!!!
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Hello and thank you for your message... I'm sorry my words upset you so much, but like you I find it very difficult dealing with the slow but obvious decline with my dad. We are dreading next Wednesday when we think the consultant will recommend that dad needs to stop driving... but he does, he's not safe behind the wheel anymore. We all know that the natural order is for our parents to go before us, but not with this vile illness.. I envy, maybe wrongly, those people who lose their loved ones quickly. It's so difficult to know what to do, I feel completely out of control [emoji17]
