Suggestions

[lotusflower]

2weeks ago the GP called me to say that my partner was approaching the end of his illness and because he doesn't verbalise or express pain recommended use of a patch in place of other pain relief.

My partner has virtually stopped swallowing - he has a chest infection and urine too.... for which oral antibiotics have been prescribed and he is still managing to take with a syringe (just). He has drunk very little in the past 3 days and is asleep most of the time. We all agreed that the nursing home was a better place than a trip into hospital and given his swallowing reflux is so compromised I'm not sure they would even be willing to do IV even if he went. Im going out of my mind worrying about both him and our daughter ....

Our daughter who is 14 has been a great source of comfort and she knows her father is most probably coming towards the end of this disease and his life - and she was adamant about no hospital trips and would rather enjoy the time she has left in nicer surroundings -we have spent the last 2 days at his bedside- but what more can I do to help prepare her for what may be ahead.

How can I help her to have positive memories of this time - particularly as we sit together?

She is due back at school on Wed and she doesn't want to go - should I let her take time off - and what happens if this drags on for quite some time.....

 

[Merrymaid]

Oh Lotusflower what a challenging time you find yourself in, my thoughts are with you at this sad time. As a single mother who had my parents live with me to facilitate my continuing to work, I faced a similar concern with the impending death of my own Father who was also the main male figure in my 15 year old daughter's life. She also did not want to go to school, but until the time when the end could be predicted with some certainty I encouraged her to go but to then 'chat' daily with her Grandad about what she had done during the day. This is what she had done for most of her life and although he couldn't respond it kept it 'normal' for her and kept the focus off his condition. Take care of yourself too xx

 

[cragmaid]

Hello, this is such an awful stage, the waiting..... All I can suggest is that you keep your daughter on a timetable as near as possible to normal. Make sure that the school are kept aware of the situation in case she has a breakdown in class, promise her that you will let her be there if it is outside of school times but tell her that her Dad would be cross if she missedd too much school.Sadly, there is no timetable to this stage, it could go on for a long time, so you must look after yourself too.
Take care, I'm thinking of you all, Maureen.x.

 

[LadyA]

How terribly sad for you all. Yes, I agree with Maureen. There's really no predicting how long it will go on for. And it might be less stressful for your daughter to maintain what normality you can, for the moment. When my husband was dying (very similar, he had aspiration pneumonia and was in his nursing home being cared for by people he was familiar with), we were told it could be anywhere from a few days to two weeks. My dau was due to go away that evening for five days. I insisted she go, as she'd never have that particular opportunity again, and it would be a shame to miss it, if my husband were still living when two weeks later. She went on Friday evening, and he died early on the Monday morning! So, she had to come back. And she wasn't here when he died. But you know what? I wasn't with him when he died either! I had needed to get some sleep, and had gone home for a few hours, and he died peacefully, with two Care Assistants who went to check on him, and were just in time to be with him as he died. That's just the way it goes. At the time, my dau was devastated that she wasn't here, but afterward, she came to realise that even had she been here, she could have been in the loo when he'd gone. She could have been asleep. She could have nipped out for something to eat. And my husband loved travelling and going places so much, he would have loved the idea of her going off on a trip. So, it was right for her to go.

And I think your partner would want your daughter to not miss out on her education more than she needs to, don't you? It's so important. And apart from that, the support of her friends at school, so definitely do make the school aware of what's happening.

We will all be here for you over the coming time, however long it is. xx

 

[Grannie G]

Hello lotusflower

I feel for your daughter. She is showing such maturity and really does want to be beside her dad in his final days.

If I knew how long this stage would last, if it were just a few days, I would ask the school for compassionate leave for your daughter. I feel she doesn`t want to be left out.

If this end stage could be timeless your daughter does need to be in school, even if she feels she will be unable to concentrate on learning when so much is happening in her life.

I wonder if you could come to a compromise to ensure your daughter understands you will do everything possible to help her be with her dad in his final hours. She deserves this because it`s obviously so important to her.

The positive memories will come from the sharing, from her voice being heard and from being there for her dad.

 

[lotusflower]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and wishes .... i think your right Grannie G she really does want to be beside him and she won't get this time again. As it's a short week (only Thursday- Friday) I thought I would ask for compassionate leave and review things for her to return to school next.... I have said that time off now with her dad is preferable than time off after - where as everyone has indicated - keeping busy and in routine with support can help provide stability during the grieving process ....

My partner is peaceful and sleeping a lot - the doctors prescribed morphine pain relief and some other drugs to help. He had no fluids today save for oral care -It's just a waiting game - the kindest nurse and carers are working tonight and have promised to ring us overnight with any changes. - luckily we are only a short drive away from the nursing home. But sleep isn't coming easily to myself and my daughter.


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[Jessbow]

Would school accomodate half days- and the promise to have her picked up and delievered to the nursing home should the need arise? Could you have a friend on standby to do just that? If she just wants to be with dad, I'd let her do it, but try and facilitate some time at school/with friends as 'down time' for her.

Difficult days for you both.

 

[Lancashire Lou]

Really feeling for you & your daughter. Ive read that hearing is believed to be the last sense. Maybe your daughter could record herself reading to him, for others to play when she is at school? Xx

 

[lotusflower]

My partner passed away peacefully on Friday 21st April - my daughter had 2 days of school and we were all with him in the nursing home when he passed away - I couldn't wish anything better for him - surrounded by those he loved and in a familiar surroundings. My daughter is devastated and it's been a very tough 2 weeks - I think it comes in waves of grief and little things just trigger your emotions.


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[Nameless]

My condolences Lotusflower. I'm glad that you and your daughter were able to be with him and give him love as he passed over.

 

[canary]

Im so sorry lotusflower and I know that both you and your daughter will be devastated.
Take comfort in that his passing was peaceful and that both you and your daughter were there at the end.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello lotusflower

I`m glad your daughter got her wish, now there`ll be no regrets. Sending sympathy and condolences.

 

[Jessbow]

Bless you, and bless her, so very hard to do as an adult, never Mind a 14 year old.

Be there for each other,

sending you both love at this difficult time.

 

[HillyBilly]

Oh Lotusflower - so very sorry to read this.
Sending condolences and virtual support to you and your daughter at this sad time for you.
So comforting for you to know that you were all there at the end x

 

[Cat27]

I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with.

 

[LadyA]

My condolences Lotusflower, to you and your daughter. It's very hard to say goodbye.

 

[lotusflower]

My condolences Lotusflower. I'm glad that you and your daughter were able to be with him and give him love as he passed over.

Thank you xx


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