Lying to PwD

[Jessbow]

Good points, well made, thank you.

Jessbow, I particularly am touched by your examples. No I couldn't have told the truth and would have been in floods of tears if I tried.

Maybe for now I want the truth but as progression takes hold I won't even be aware of what is true. Scary.

I was Dan, it was the last thing I wanted for her, but I just couldn't manage her at home anymore, it had to be.

Tears? I cried buckets, not least because I was lying to her, the very trait instilled in us as kids was wrong. But it was kinder to her. Then.

 

[danonwheels]

I was Dan, it was the last thing I wanted for her, but I just couldn't manage her at home anymore, it had to be.

Tears? I cried buckets, not least because I was lying to her, the very trait instilled in us as kids was wrong. But it was kinder to her. Then.

My mother tells me that I am unemotional and unsympathetic nowadays but reading this I can really feel the pain. I guess it's just as hard for the people doing the caring as it is for the people living with dementia. Maybe even more so as they're probably more aware of what is going on.

I absolutely detest that I have this but I don't know how any of my family or my partner feel about it, no-one talks about it except to crack thge odd joke when I do something daft.

 

[Suzanna1969]

My mother tells me that I am unemotional and unsympathetic nowadays but reading this I can really feel the pain. I guess it's just as hard for the people doing the caring as it is for the people living with dementia. Maybe even more so as they're probably more aware of what is going on.

I absolutely detest that I have this but I don't know how any of my family or my partner feel about it, no-one talks about it except to crack thge odd joke when I do something daft.

That is the last thing I would describe you as, Dan, having read your comments on this thread. I am sorry your mother said that to you, I wonder if it was out of fear and upset? I hope it didn't cause you too much hurt xxx

I think that some carers and sufferers may have this in common though, at least in the way others perceive them.

Since Mum was diagnosed over 4 years ago (around the same time as Dad was diagnosed with Vascular Parkinsonism) I haven't cried once. I remain perky and cheerful when things are 'ok' and grimly stoical when they are not. I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I have not broken down. Am I dead inside? Do I not love my parents? Am evil that I hope they will be taken before things get so bad that they are merely existing rather than living?

And yet when there's an advert on TV asking for help for abused donkeys I am in bits...

But you see, if I start crying, will I be able to stop? I cannot break down, I cannot 'lose it' because if I do I will be no use to Mum and Dad. I have to keep going, I have to stay strong.

On the subject of lying: Mum was in hospital with a UTI before Christmas and kept asking about her parents and her brother... and even the cat. Rather than asking where they were she actually said 'they're dead aren't they?' so I could not bring myself to lie, nor do I think it would have been wise or fair to do so. She was tearful when I confirmed she was right but she accepted it.

But when she asked me, on another occasion, 'I'm going mad, aren't I?'....

I said 'No you're just having a bad day'.

My priority is to protect her from distress in the moment. She won't remember what has been said now in five minutes time so I see no harm in saying whatever makes her feel happy in the here and now.

 

[gwb67]

That is the last thing I would describe you as, Dan, having read your comments on this thread. I am sorry your mother said that to you, I wonder if it was out of fear and upset? I hope it didn't cause you too much hurt xxx

I think that some carers and sufferers may have this in common though, at least in the way others perceive them.

Since Mum was diagnosed over 4 years ago (around the same time as Dad was diagnosed with Vascular Parkinsonism) I haven't cried once. I remain perky and cheerful when things are 'ok' and grimly stoical when they are not. I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I have not broken down. Am I dead inside? Do I not love my parents? Am evil that I hope they will be taken before things get so bad that they are merely existing rather than living?

And yet when there's an advert on TV asking for help for abused donkeys I am in bits...

But you see, if I start crying, will I be able to stop? I cannot break down, I cannot 'lose it' because if I do I will be no use to Mum and Dad. I have to keep going, I have to stay strong.

On the subject of lying: Mum was in hospital with a UTI before Christmas and kept asking about her parents and her brother... and even the cat. Rather than asking where they were she actually said 'they're dead aren't they?' so I could not bring myself to lie, nor do I think it would have been wise or fair to do so. She was tearful when I confirmed she was right but she accepted it.

But when she asked me, on another occasion, 'I'm going mad, aren't I?'....

I said 'No you're just having a bad day'.

My priority is to protect her from distress in the moment. She won't remember what has been said now in five minutes time so I see no harm in saying whatever makes her feel happy in the here and now.

I understand what you mean and that's a very good post.
I'm the same sometimes in that I'm surprised I don't get more upset but then other times it does seep through. A stressful enough time without all the other things like Local Authority assessments ( but don't get me on those).

 

[netsy22]

My mother tells me that I am unemotional and unsympathetic nowadays but reading this I can really feel the pain. I guess it's just as hard for the people doing the caring as it is for the people living with dementia. Maybe even more so as they're probably more aware of what is going on.

I absolutely detest that I have this but I don't know how any of my family or my partner feel about it, no-one talks about it except to crack thge odd joke when I do something daft.

Maybe you should make them talk about it - tell them how you feel and how scared you are. Ask them to tell you how they feel about it. And tell them how you want to be treated if it gets worse, like not being lied to. Do it in writing if it's too hard to face them.
On another point - there are new treatments coming out all the time, some of the latest drugs delay the development by years - I hope you are up to speed on all of this, if not it's worth investigating. Good luck!