I'm new on this forum and looking for some advice

[Vic10]

My husband has Alzheimer's although at a fairly early stage.
I know the condition can effect social skills and I see that once the life and soul he is now quiet and rarely joins in a conversation. However that is not how he sees it, he has convinced himself that my family don't like him and ignore him. I am finding this very upsetting, I love my husband but I also love my brother and need the support he gives me. Husband doesn't want him to visit or is threatening to go out when he does!
Is this a symptom of the condition?
How do I deal with it ?
Thank you, oh I know many of you have much worse to deal with, I have such respect, I'm just trying to find my way.

 

[Shedrech]

hello Vic10
a warm welcome to TP, where we're all trying to find our way and discovering that sharing our experiences helps a lot
no-one's worse or better, we're all just at different points on a tricky journey
this was one thing I noticed with my dad - he enjoyed company but found it increasingly difficult to follow what was going on and it's simpler to blame the others than see it as your own inaccurate view of things, when logical thinking doesn't come as readily as it once did - so for dad, one to one visits were better, as long as the visitor was prepared to do most of the work and be jovial
so maybe your brother might pop in saying he's come to see your husband - think of a reason that will make your husband feel good eg asking his advice, sharing pleasure at a local team's win, found a magazine article he might like (your brother could read it aloud if your husband doesn't follow print too well), a pint at the local ... - you might take the chance to nip to the shops or do some chores, so they are left together - then join them later with a cuppa and biscuits/meal ....
do, though, be prepared for your husband to enjoy any visits (hopefully he doesn't walk out on your brother) then pretty much immediately forget them - he may take well to being reminded eg show him the magazine your brother left for him, the note you made on the calendar ... or he may simply not believe you; in which case have a get out so as not to get negative/argue/explain eg 'oh well, I guess it was a while ago, you know what my memory is like' (good to deflect any blame) and distract eg 'must find that recipe for ...' and leave or 'how about I make a coffee and we watch ...'
it helps to be a bit of an actress, and a bit devious
now you've found TP, keep posting
best wishes

PS just seen yours is my 3,000th post - sorry, no prize

 

[Kevinl]

Hi Vic, welcome to TP
Sadly what you describe is quite common in people with AZ both a sudden and irrational dislike of someone for not reason and a withdrawal from society.
My wife took a dislike to some one then the next time she saw them they were her best friend likewise she started to hate being in a group of people.
The "reality" that a person with AZ believes is as real to them as anyone else, they may be wrong but to them it is a real as anything you or I believe so it's very difficult to change their mind about anything.
I think the important thing is not to make an issue out of it, he may change in time but if it turns into a conflict issue it makes it very difficult to go back.
K

 

[nitram]

"I see that once the life and soul he is now quiet and rarely joins in a conversation."

Quite often in a group a conversation is actually multiple interlocking conversations with changing topics.

As a result of his brain going slower, following this is just too confusing so he stays quiet.

Afterwards he may actually believe that he took part. You could try a casual, non specific, comment about how good the chat was. His reaction could go either way, he won't remember and you will have learnt something about what to do in the future.

 

[LynneMcV]

My husband has always been a quiet man but very sociable and he always enjoyed visitors and meeting up with folk.

As the disease progressed and affected his communication, my husband was in danger of being overlooked. Being naturally quiet and now struggling to find words I found that people were talking over him, not deliberately, but because they were too caught up with what they were saying to notice that he wanted to say something too.

Some seemed awkward, not quite knowing how to talk to my husband and ended up talking and looking at everyone else apart from him.

I made them aware of what they were doing, stepped in to hush the noise a bit when hubby was trying to say something and generally played an active role in helping him communicate. Instead of being accidentally overlooked people learnt to direct conversation towards him, leave him time to respond and just have one person talking at a time rather than talk in a loud babble over him.

In this way my husband has been able to continue to converse in his own limited way, follow conversations by just listening and generally feel part of what is going on rather than feeling left on the side lines.

Your situation might benefit from making a few minor changes in the way people converse with your husband or near him - which in turn could help overcome feelings of not being liked, being ignored, or not valued as part of the group.

Yes, it is common for the person with dementia to feel that others do not like them - but maybe adopting the kind of approach I've outlined above will make things easier. It's worth a try

 

[tigerlady]

As well as not being able to follow conversations because of the Alzheimers, he may be having hearing problems. Old age often brings on hearing loss, which makes it even more difficult for an alzheimers sufferer to follow and join in with conversations.

LynneMcVee has some very good advice, and getting people to have one to one conversations with him, speaking clearly and slowly might make him feel more included

 

[canary]

My OH gets stimulus overload and cannot cope with the noise of chattering. When my cleaning lady comes she is lovely, but chatters all the while and my OH cant cope with it and goes out for a walk (fortunately he doesnt get lost).
It is very common for PWD to not understand that the problem is theirs and see it as the other persons fault. I cant follow the conversation any more = Im not joining in with the conversation anymore = they are not allowing me to join in. Then the PWS is left with this feeling of resentment and doesnt want to see them again.

 

[Agzy]

Hi, Vic, from a relatively new member myself and also having a partner who is in the early stages of this creeping disease, welcome. My OH has also withdrawn from society as I describe it and hates being in groups of people but conversely loves family get together. Others have covered the reasons why and how all sufferers have different reactions along the road to hell as I have heard it called. A lot of my worries and concerns have been laid to rest from reading other posters avidly and hopefully you will to.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Vic10]

Thank you for all your replies. Lots of good ideas. I shall talk to my family, I'm sure if they understand the problem they will do there best to help. It' good to know you are out there and so supportive. Thank you

 

[Shedrech]

hi Vic10
just wondering if this thread on compassionate communication may give you some ideas to try (nothing works all of the time ) - I found it helped me begin to see how things are for my dad
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?30801-Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
best wishes

 

[Izzy]

Hi there.

Your post rang bells with me. My husband became convinced that my brother didn't like him. We managed to get along by various means. It's a good idea to talk to your family about it as you'll come up with strategies together. It sounds, like me, that you have a very supportive family.

I'm glad you found TP as you'll get lots of help and support here.

 

[Madog]

ChrisB1

Hi I'm new to Talking Point My husband has Alzheimers started around the age 55 I can relate to the problem My husband just shuts down on family visits Unfortunately he can no longer join in conversation as he can not get his words out and when he does they don't make sense He gets very frustrated and feels very left out although he isn't

 

[Shedrech]

hello Madog
a warm welcome to TP - it's good to share experiences with folk who understand
so now you've found the community, I hope you'll post again
if you have a particular question do start your own thread, maybe here
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forumdisplay.php?69-I-have-a-partner-with-dementia
just press the green Post New Thread button and write
best wishes to you and your husband