Father a With Dementia Wnt Shower

[Titch84]

My Fatner has Dementia and really struggling to get him to have a shower. He just shouts that he doesn't feel like one or that he doesn't need one. Although his hair Naturally white is grey dull coloured. He doesn't wash and he smells. Both my Mum and I have tried but no matter he refuses. Only thing is he really needs to have one as it is his Mums funeral end of week. We dnt know what else to do. Any help or advice greatly received. Thank you.

 

[jenniferpa]

I'm wondering if what you are dealing with here is fear. A lot of people with dementia become extremely frightened of having water running down their faces. I don't suppose a bath is an option? Also, how are you approaching this? Because you might get a better result if instead of asking him if he's ready to take a shower, you might want to take a more direct approach as in: get everything ready and simply take him to the bathroom. But that may well not work if this is fear driven.

You can buy no-rinse shampooing caps that basically you put on the person's head, massage through the cap and then towel dry. Also wet wipes that are very similar.

 

[Titch84]

I'm wondering if what you are dealing with here is fear. A lot of people with dementia become extremely frightened of having water running down their faces. I don't suppose a bath is an option? Also, how are you approaching this? Because you might get a better result if instead of asking him if he's ready to take a shower, you might want to take a more direct approach as in: get everything ready and simply take him to the bathroom. But that may well not work if this is fear driven.

You can buy no-rinse shampooing caps that basically you put on the person's head, massage through the cap and then towel dry. Also wet wipes that are very similar.

He struggles to climb into the bath. We have a walk in shower and he has used it once in last year! We dnt know what else to do. He wnt even use a wet wipe. Just want him clean for his Mums funeral.

 

[lesley1958]

The hair wash caps jennifer mentions work very well with my dad who hates = and I mean hates - water running down his face and getting "up his nose and in his ears". (I quote). You can warm them in the microwave first and do their hair while they sit fully clothed with a towel around their shoulders. I learnt to squeeze some of the moisture out before using them with dad so there were no drips, just a nice warm feeling. I don't ask him, I just wait until he is sitting quietly and say "I'm going to do your hair now Dad". He like having it blow-dried after as that is nice and warm. I keep saying " is that ok Dad? Does that feel alright?" Being asked about how he feels seems to keep him quite compliant.

It's so difficult, I know. I hope you can find something that will work for your Dad.

 

[Elle3]

My Fatner has Dementia and really struggling to get him to have a shower. He just shouts that he doesn't feel like one or that he doesn't need one. Although his hair Naturally white is grey dull coloured. He doesn't wash and he smells. Both my Mum and I have tried but no matter he refuses. Only thing is he really needs to have one as it is his Mums funeral end of week. We dnt know what else to do. Any help or advice greatly received. Thank you.

I have the same problem with my dad, he won't shower, but will shave, clean his teeth and wash his face, but apart from that he thinks he's OK. He's smells too and no matter what I try to do to get him to shower or bath it doesn't work. He tells me he will, but always later, then when I ask him if he has, he can't remember or he says yes. He wouldn't even change his clothes unless I tell him to. So sorry I can't offer any advice, just saying I'm in the same boat. Take care and good luck and I hope you find a solution. Elle

 

[Jessbow]

My father didn't have dementia ( Mum did) . When dad became unsteady on his feet, he did want a shower, but didn't have the confidence to do it on his own.

I suggested he keep his boxers on whilst I was in the room, washing his back etc, and I waited outside for the couple of minutes it took to do his 'boys bits' , remove his wet boxers and get the towel round him.

Maybe modesty comes into it with some of these blokes?

 

[jenniferpa]

The hair wash caps jennifer mentions work very well with my dad who hates = and I mean hates - water running down his face and getting "up his nose and in his ears". (I quote). You can warm them in the microwave first and do their hair while they sit fully clothed with a towel around their shoulders. I learnt to squeeze some of the moisture out before using them with dad so there were no drips, just a nice warm feeling. I don't ask him, I just wait until he is sitting quietly and say "I'm going to do your hair now Dad". He like having it blow-dried after as that is nice and warm. I keep saying " is that ok Dad? Does that feel alright?" Being asked about how he feels seems to keep him quite compliant.

It's so difficult, I know. I hope you can find something that will work for your Dad.

The wipes I'm talking about are the same basic thing: you warm them in the microwave and they are much much bigger than regular wet wipes.

Titch - I do think that assuming you can't actually get him into the shower in any reasonably compliant way, you are going to have to go with the non-shower almost bed bath approach. But I would see if Jessbow's approach might work and I would also do my level best to ensure that the water was directed away from him.

Long term - have you contacted the local OT therapy department? Because a bath might be better for him if you can get things to make a bath easier for him (lifts etc.)

Short term - try to get hold of one of those shampooing caps and make sure he's wearing clean clothes for the funeral and frankly, if necessary, spray him with cologne or something just to get through the funeral. But you obviously need to work out a plan for the long term because it's not very healthy for him.

 

[jen54]

Neither myself or husband have frequent baths, neither of us like showers that much. Strip washes suffice. We were discussing how we would hate if with dementia we were suddenly forced to bath or shower. Add to that the dignity factor,and bring undressed.
I know my mum has never enjoyed baths, strip washing is how she was raised, so am dreading when that needs intervention. At present I use fabric freshener which madks any bo..which is a minor thing really. I check underwear I wash incase I need to try to instigate hygiene..but think I would have to go the wet wipe way, I have washed her hair only twice in the last year,as I had to really force the issue..i have now got the shampoo shower cap to try that way, as mum finds it hard to bend or raise her arms etc, I try all the excuses about her bad arm etc etc.., but of course pride is a big thing..
I am of the mind that as long as personal hygiene is not a risk..ie uti, as that is the area which does need to be cleaned. At present I let it go, aftershave..body spray etc would suffice on a social gathering. our kids are horrified we don't shower each day..we cant understand why they are obbsessed with constant showering and body products, I feel older generations may be the same,dementia makes you forget such things, but also people were never so obbsessed with actually taking to the bath or shower.

 

[NatB123]

Hi Titch,

I'm not sure I have any advice to give but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with the not showering.

My Nan hates to have a shower, will use any excuse...I've had one, I don't need one etc. and I have tried everything I can. I've tried asking her to go in, telling her she is going in, a bath instead of a shower, making the bathroom a nice temperature, asking her to just have a strip wash, asking if she is scared and what I can do to help, telling her I would just wait outside the bathroom door, offering to go in with her. NOTHING worked. Since then we have had carers going in for 4 months and they have managed to get her to shower 3 or 4 times and wash a couple of times too. I'm not sure what they have done to get her in but I take my hat off to them!

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi.

My dad forgets to shower and I don't think he's had one since Christmas. He still shaves occasionally but hasn't washed his hair for weeks. It's really greasy and needs cutting but my scissors won't cut greasy hair so he's starting to look like a scarecrow!

He doesn't smell nice but the worst of the smells can be reduced by making him put clean clothes on.

Last week I walked into his house and it stank of BO but I'd had a cold for a couple of weeks and hadn't noticed. I managed to persuade him to change into clean clothes and put everything in the wash with lots of detergent.

If you can get your dad to use good old fashioned talc it helps absorb the odours.

It's horrible isn't it? And not how they'd have been if it weren't for this vile disease.

This is a recent problem for me as dad used to shower every morning. He asked me to tell him if he got smelly - but it doesn't go down well if I suggest he needs a shower!!


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[Elle3]

My Fatner has Dementia and really struggling to get him to have a shower. He just shouts that he doesn't feel like one or that he doesn't need one. Although his hair Naturally white is grey dull coloured. He doesn't wash and he smells. Both my Mum and I have tried but no matter he refuses. Only thing is he really needs to have one as it is his Mums funeral end of week. We dnt know what else to do. Any help or advice greatly received. Thank you.

Hi Titch84, I have just had a thought, would your dad agree to go to a barbers to have his haircut and washed? Or maybe you could just book an appointment and take him, he might not make a fuss in public and just accept it, that's kind of what my dad is like.

Also, I find just getting my dad to change his clothes, by picking them out for him and then just telling him to change the ones he's got on whilst I stand there, works too. I deal with the top half one day and then the bottom half the next, so he doesn't get overwhelmed. I know it's not washing but it might give you an opening to attempt a quick wash or at least a bit of deodorant.

As I said just a thought. Elle x

 

[Bunpoots]

I'd thought of carers crazyweather but I don't think he's ready to accept them yet. It'd help if my brother would go round once a week and try to make him shower. He won't do it for me. He will for my sister but bros about as much use as a chocolate teapot!!

Sis only visits about 6 times a year (coming this weekend [emoji846]) but stops with him so can get him in shower before he gets dressed.

I've even tried telling him that if he lives like a Tudor he'll get the plague!!!


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[Rageddy Anne]

When my husband didn't want a shower it seemed to be partly temperature related...he felt cold even if it wasn't cold, and hated stripping off. So I got the room as warm as I could, ran the taps until the water was exactly the temperature he would accept, and once he was standing in the shower I would give him the shower to hold, being very careful not to splash him myself.. I even warmed the shower cream.he would do the job himself, and I would wrap a big warm towel round him as soon as he had finished,and then his towelling dressing gown, warmed.

We did his hair similarly, I could get him to bend a bit, and I would blot it dry immediately, so that no water ran down his body...

He grumbled the whole time, but as long as he was doing it himself, and was in control, we managed...

A good friend sometimes helps him now, and she tells him very seriously that he has to shower because she knows he won't want to smell... She's pretty, and gentle and kind, and he will usually oblige...perhaps because she's female!

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Just remembered, in the film Iris, about Iris Murdoch, an old friend got Iris to shower by getting in with her, so they both showered together, laughing and joking...

 

[Peirre]

As part of his daily routine, as soon as I get my dad out of bed and help him to strip, he walks in the bathroom to the toilet. I make sure before he gets the chance to exit the bathroom, I tell him to step up into the bath so he can shower, 9/10 times he'll refuse and needs a little coercion before he will step up into the bath. But once he's in he's cooperative, but I do most of the work spraying the water on him, and rubbing a soapy sponge on his skin & then washing his hair. Once I've rubbed his head with a towel to dry it, he'll attempt to dry his face etc before I assist him to climb out and walk back into the bedroom where I get him to sit in a chair (commode chair) where he'll continue to dry himself, before I assist him to dress

 

[Alisonred]

Shower

Hi,
All of the previous replies have echoed on my thoughts. He sounds to be fearful, the change in flooring may look like a big step down, can you cover the change over section? Can you play music he enjoys and dance him into the shower room? Can you get your swim suit on and stay with him, perhaps keeping the water low at first? Can you change the lighting to something brighter? Try appealing to all the senses, nice smell, keep holding his hands, etc.

There are inflatable hair washing bowls that fit under a head and they can be successful. Somehow the experience has to allow him to remain happy, safe and confident. I hope you manage, eventually. Sometimes it is a matter of keeping on trying, mornings, afternoons, middle of the night if he's up and not inclined to sleep.
Let us know how you get on

 

[Titch84]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. Dad has never been one for having showers for all I've known him. It would be too in appropriate to get in shower with him as I am his daughter. Think Mum and I may need to have a think. As he wnt even use a facecloth let alone wipes.

 

[alibali2016]

My dad hates showering or bathing too. I suggest it to him a day or two before I want him to bathe, to make it seem like it's his decision. Friday night I will say tomorrow is Saturday, do you want to have a bath tomorrow or sunday? and make it his decision. One time he told me he would prefer Sunday for his bath. Then on Sunday when I told him I was getting the bath ready and I reminded him he said Sunday would be good. - He said I lied, I'm not having a bath!! It's always challenging.