My husband was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's last June and has since been told that an X.Ray revealed Vascular Dementia. Looking back, I now believe that this started about 2 years ago. He gradually forgot the way to shopping centres where we used to go quite often. He would be O.K. with the driving, as long as I was the Sat.Nav. and gave him directions. Since them he gradually stopped going fishing which was his only hobby and one that he loved. The fishing lake where he used to go was quite a few miles away and he seemed to lose confidence. He stopped going to a Social club to meet his pals on a Sunday evening, although that is only a short walk away. Of that I am pleased as it involved drinking pints and he is on Warfarin and is not supposed to drink alcohol anyway. I can't now tell him any plans for what we are doing and expect him to remember in an hour or so. He rarely offers to make a cup of tea mid morning or afternoon any more but will just sit there watching me dashing round, doing housework etc. He does walk our dog twice a day which is the only interest he has now. Every morning he asks me if we are going shopping, he must be the only husband who seems to like supermarket shopping. I am sorry, I seem to have gone on a bit here when I wanted to ask something. Evenings, I cook dinner and up until recently MH. has put the washing up into our small dishwasher and washed up anything that doesn't go in it. He has got later and later doing this, sometimes, not until bedtime and then muddles up where things go in the D.W. If I remind him he gets quite irritated. I am 81 and although quite active, I have a health problem and often am really tired when cooking dinner. Should I ignore this and just leave the W.U. in the sink and sort it out myself the next morning or continue to remind him so that he helps out. Is this all part of the illness or just him being lazy? He no longer takes responsibility for anything. He has jigsaw puzzles but doesn't sit doing those for very long either. Sorry for almost writing a book here.
What can I expect?
- Thread starter Phyl
- Start date
Hi Phyl, welcome to TP
I think what you're describing here are the classic symptoms as someone slowly disengages from their life before AZ: stops hobbies, seeing friends, going out and all the rest and withdraws into their shell as a way of coping with the disease.
All you can do is keep enjoying the things he still wants to do like the dog walking and shopping and don't beat yourself up that the washing up doesn't get done.
Sadly disinterest and apathy are very common, as is self neglect and it does put a load on the person doing the caring, I managed by letting my "standards" slip a bit but it's a price worth paying so you can enjoy the good bits for as long as possible.
K
I think what you're describing here are the classic symptoms as someone slowly disengages from their life before AZ: stops hobbies, seeing friends, going out and all the rest and withdraws into their shell as a way of coping with the disease.
All you can do is keep enjoying the things he still wants to do like the dog walking and shopping and don't beat yourself up that the washing up doesn't get done.
Sadly disinterest and apathy are very common, as is self neglect and it does put a load on the person doing the caring, I managed by letting my "standards" slip a bit but it's a price worth paying so you can enjoy the good bits for as long as possible.
K
No opologies needed Phyl, we all know where you are coming from. I don't think it is laziness it is the disease. Slowly the knowing how to diminishes. When you break down making a cup of tea it does have quite a few components to be done in the right order or it won't happen. Fill kettle with water, switch on, allow to boil, open the right cupboard door to find the container with the tea bags, put tea bag in teapot/cup or mug and pour the boiling water. Take milk from fridge and find sugar if needed. Not so easy is it if you break it down and someone with a memory problem and more, has to get it in the right order.
It must be easier for someone to stop doing something than to try to work out how to do it and get it right. I would always encourage my husband to make our daughter a cup of tea when she called in daily, it really did become very painful to watch. In and out the door from the kitchen asking did she want tea or coffee, did she want sugar, was it tea or coffee, did she want sugar and on it went. No she did not want sugar but she got it. We then hit on her asking for a drink of water and even that was an ordeal. This disease robs them of so much and they really do struggle to make sense of what was once a very simple job.
I hope it helps to know that it is common for us to see this behaviour and it is not willful or done to annoy us, though it is at times difficult to believe
It must be easier for someone to stop doing something than to try to work out how to do it and get it right. I would always encourage my husband to make our daughter a cup of tea when she called in daily, it really did become very painful to watch. In and out the door from the kitchen asking did she want tea or coffee, did she want sugar, was it tea or coffee, did she want sugar and on it went. No she did not want sugar but she got it. We then hit on her asking for a drink of water and even that was an ordeal. This disease robs them of so much and they really do struggle to make sense of what was once a very simple job.
I hope it helps to know that it is common for us to see this behaviour and it is not willful or done to annoy us, though it is at times difficult to believe
Hello Phyl and welcome to Talking Point. I'm so sorry you are having to cope with these difficulties and the reality of dementia but it's a good thing that you have found this place where so much help, advice and support are available.
I guess you could try things like writing out the process of making a cup of tea etc, perhaps on laminated card, to help your husband. By the time my husband was diagnosed I'd pretty well taken over doing everything myself anyway, as his problems had been going on for so long. It would only be a relatively short term answer but may help your husband.
Have you applied for Attendance Allowance and other benefits? E.g. Council Tax reduction? If not do apply for forms asap and get some help with filling them in (Age UK perhaps). When you are in receipt of these benefits perhaps you could employ someone to help in the house to take the pressure off you.
It might be good for your husband as well as you if he had some activities specifically planned for a person with dementia such as a Dementia Cafe, your GP surgery should be able to advise you as to what is available in your area.
These are just some thoughts off the top of my head. No doubt other people will also be able to make suggestions. My very best wishes to you.
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I guess you could try things like writing out the process of making a cup of tea etc, perhaps on laminated card, to help your husband. By the time my husband was diagnosed I'd pretty well taken over doing everything myself anyway, as his problems had been going on for so long. It would only be a relatively short term answer but may help your husband.
Have you applied for Attendance Allowance and other benefits? E.g. Council Tax reduction? If not do apply for forms asap and get some help with filling them in (Age UK perhaps). When you are in receipt of these benefits perhaps you could employ someone to help in the house to take the pressure off you.
It might be good for your husband as well as you if he had some activities specifically planned for a person with dementia such as a Dementia Cafe, your GP surgery should be able to advise you as to what is available in your area.
These are just some thoughts off the top of my head. No doubt other people will also be able to make suggestions. My very best wishes to you.
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Hi Phyl,
Ditto being the sat nav, and OH losing interest in golf which was his passion and now liking to go shopping. I have set up a table of activities (memory book, cards, ipad, jigsaws etc) but he prefers just to sit.
OH can still make tea and it is his default activity. Often making another pot of tea before I have finished current one.
Also problems with dishwasher. I have tried to work out what is going wrong and it seems to me he has a problem with organising the activity. Instead of putting everything in the dishwasher first then washing up the saucepans he tends to do a little bit of this then that, with the taps continuously running, and doesn't look around all the surfaces for other bits. I now try to leave kitchen more organised. Things to go into dishwasher on worktop above it and things to be washed up over to his left so he can wash them up and put them on drainer on the right. Seems to be working at present.
In truth it would be easy to do it myself but try to maintain his self esteem.
Have you considered cooking the main meal at lunchtime and having a snack in the evening? I do this sometimes and it is nice to get the heavy washing up out of the way earlier.
Ditto being the sat nav, and OH losing interest in golf which was his passion and now liking to go shopping. I have set up a table of activities (memory book, cards, ipad, jigsaws etc) but he prefers just to sit.
OH can still make tea and it is his default activity. Often making another pot of tea before I have finished current one.
Also problems with dishwasher. I have tried to work out what is going wrong and it seems to me he has a problem with organising the activity. Instead of putting everything in the dishwasher first then washing up the saucepans he tends to do a little bit of this then that, with the taps continuously running, and doesn't look around all the surfaces for other bits. I now try to leave kitchen more organised. Things to go into dishwasher on worktop above it and things to be washed up over to his left so he can wash them up and put them on drainer on the right. Seems to be working at present.
In truth it would be easy to do it myself but try to maintain his self esteem.
Have you considered cooking the main meal at lunchtime and having a snack in the evening? I do this sometimes and it is nice to get the heavy washing up out of the way earlier.
Hi Phyl and welcome to TP.
I would say that what you are experiencing is all part of the disease - definitely not laziness.
It is good that your husband still enjoys walking the dog - the exercise and routine is a good one to keep going as long as possible, though be prepared for the fact that in time, he may need someone to accompany him on such walks.
I suspect that your husband asking about going to the supermarket each day is not so much about loving the shopping but more about getting out the house, having a structure to his day and being where he feels safe and in control of things for the most part. My husband asks daily if we are going out - he doesn't care where - shopping, a walk, pop in parlour, day centre, the garden - it is just about having a chance to get outside, see people and use up some energy rather than sit indoors feeling isolated.
My husband was an avid reader and also loved jigsaws. He doesn't do either now as he has lost the ability to retain what he reads and he has lost the ability to work out shapes, colours and detail.
Early on in the disease my husband could make drinks, sandwiches, and did the washing up and drying up after I'd cooked.
He still offers to make drinks (the thought is there) but I do it for him. I used to stand with him and talk him through each stage of tea making but sadly he cannot follow the step by step instructions any more. It isn't lethargy or laziness, he feels very sad that he cannot make me a cuppa any more and often says he is useless (which he isn't, and I make sure he knows that).
I do the washing up now because it would take him so long to do as the disease progressed and it left him exhausted (over an hour for something which would normally take 10 minutes). Then, once he had gone to bed, I would end up having to wash everything again anyway as it hadn't been done very well.
I do believe it is very important to keep the person with dementia occupied and let them know they are doing useful things - it is good for their confidence and sense of self worth.
My husband still does the drying up. It takes him ages, but he does it and wants to do it. He has no idea where things go, so he leaves them on the work top and I put them away.
I find lots of little jobs for him to do too - helping carry the clean clothes upstairs for me to put away, folding towels, picking up debris in the garden, reaching things from high up shelves - anything which keeps him involved and occupied.
It's really a question of taking a step back, accepting that some things can no longer be done (due to the disease, not laziness) and then finding different things he can do.
It's not easy, but definitely worth changing the usual roles if they are no longer working. Teamwork is key
We are all here for you
I would say that what you are experiencing is all part of the disease - definitely not laziness.
It is good that your husband still enjoys walking the dog - the exercise and routine is a good one to keep going as long as possible, though be prepared for the fact that in time, he may need someone to accompany him on such walks.
I suspect that your husband asking about going to the supermarket each day is not so much about loving the shopping but more about getting out the house, having a structure to his day and being where he feels safe and in control of things for the most part. My husband asks daily if we are going out - he doesn't care where - shopping, a walk, pop in parlour, day centre, the garden - it is just about having a chance to get outside, see people and use up some energy rather than sit indoors feeling isolated.
My husband was an avid reader and also loved jigsaws. He doesn't do either now as he has lost the ability to retain what he reads and he has lost the ability to work out shapes, colours and detail.
Early on in the disease my husband could make drinks, sandwiches, and did the washing up and drying up after I'd cooked.
He still offers to make drinks (the thought is there) but I do it for him. I used to stand with him and talk him through each stage of tea making but sadly he cannot follow the step by step instructions any more. It isn't lethargy or laziness, he feels very sad that he cannot make me a cuppa any more and often says he is useless (which he isn't, and I make sure he knows that).
I do the washing up now because it would take him so long to do as the disease progressed and it left him exhausted (over an hour for something which would normally take 10 minutes). Then, once he had gone to bed, I would end up having to wash everything again anyway as it hadn't been done very well.
I do believe it is very important to keep the person with dementia occupied and let them know they are doing useful things - it is good for their confidence and sense of self worth.
My husband still does the drying up. It takes him ages, but he does it and wants to do it. He has no idea where things go, so he leaves them on the work top and I put them away.
I find lots of little jobs for him to do too - helping carry the clean clothes upstairs for me to put away, folding towels, picking up debris in the garden, reaching things from high up shelves - anything which keeps him involved and occupied.
It's really a question of taking a step back, accepting that some things can no longer be done (due to the disease, not laziness) and then finding different things he can do.
It's not easy, but definitely worth changing the usual roles if they are no longer working. Teamwork is key
We are all here for you
Hi Phyl, and a warm welcome from me too, to Talking Point. As you can see from the replies to your post, all the characteristics your husband shows are familiar to other carers.
My late husband used to ask me, constantly, "Is it Thursday?", and when I say constantly, I don't mean every 5 minutes, I mean a zillion times a day. To begin with, I patiently corrected him, thinking that I was helping him. Then my patient corrections became replies through gritted teeth.
And then one day I just said yes, it was, even though it wasn't, and he just said "oh ok", and then continued to ask me. But at least it saved me from going up the wall. Whilst your husband is in the early stages, I would suggest you do as many things together as you can, because you will be making lovely memories.
Keep asking as many questions as you like on here, because the people are lovely and truly understand what you are going through, and will give you lots of help and advice, and even though solutions may not be found for everything, explanations, and reassurance that you're not alone, are a great comfort. I wish you well xxx
As you can see from the replies to your post, all the characteristics your husband shows are familiar to other carers.My late husband used to ask me, constantly, "Is it Thursday?", and when I say constantly, I don't mean every 5 minutes, I mean a zillion times a day. To begin with, I patiently corrected him, thinking that I was helping him. Then my patient corrections became replies through gritted teeth.
And then one day I just said yes, it was, even though it wasn't, and he just said "oh ok", and then continued to ask me. But at least it saved me from going up the wall. Whilst your husband is in the early stages, I would suggest you do as many things together as you can, because you will be making lovely memories.
Keep asking as many questions as you like on here, because the people are lovely and truly understand what you are going through, and will give you lots of help and advice, and even though solutions may not be found for everything, explanations, and reassurance that you're not alone, are a great comfort. I wish you well xxx
My husband (84) was diagnosed 4 years ago. He is a different man but now kind and content. He goes to day care two days a week and 3/4 nights goes into respite if I can find a place (getting harder). He doesn't need personal care, except reminding to go to the loo or shave and uses a bottle at night.
I also get very tired but feel ashamed of making a fuss. There doesn't seem to be any general help just carers who dash in for 15 minutes. I love having him at home but I am getting increasingly shakey and dropping things. GP says it is just age (82) which it probably is.
Can any carers who have been through this give a list of things that they have found helpful?
I also get very tired but feel ashamed of making a fuss. There doesn't seem to be any general help just carers who dash in for 15 minutes. I love having him at home but I am getting increasingly shakey and dropping things. GP says it is just age (82) which it probably is.
Can any carers who have been through this give a list of things that they have found helpful?
Thank You Everyone
Thank you to all you lovely people that replied to my post and gave a lot of helpful suggestions.
Today has been quite a good day and my husband seemed more like his old self. We went to a local shopping centre and into the Supermarket and another small shop and he was fine. He didn't keep asking if we needed something that we already had a lot of at home. He packs the shopping in the bag at the till while I pay and he sometimes jokes with the person at the till. I am sure that to some people they wouldn't believe that he has Altzheimers but of course it is the day to day living with that person. He can still actually make the tea if I ask him to do it while I am doing something else so I am going to have to get used to doing this and not expecting him to take the initiative.
Same with the washing up in the evening. I suggested this evening that we got it sorted out early because there was something due to start on the TV and it was sorted and I started the dishwasher (he has never been able to master anything with buttons)
With regard to help groups, there is a singing group just a walk away from us but he wouldn't join anything like that. He loves chatting to people, he often meets the same people when walking our dog. So if I could find some sort of Social group for tea and a chat then I think I could get him to go. As long as games weren't involved as he is Dyslexic and also hard of hearing. He refuses to have a hearing aid.
I look after his tablets now, he takes quite a few. He always got mixed up with the days and on a couple of occasions forgot to take them or in another instance took them in the evening and then again the next morning.
I had thought about having our main meal lunchtime but if we have to go shopping in the morning or have an appointment for something or other then it may not always be possible if it was going to take a while to cook. It may work some days.
He does get attendance allowance but I didn't know that we may be able to get a reduction in our council tax.
He used to ask me every morning what day it was and what the date was, sometimes several times. Then my daughter suggested that I bought a large radio controlled clock with the day, the date and the time on it. I bought one and put it on the wall where his armchair is and he actually looks at it and hasn't asked me since. Now of course it is "are we going shopping" so once again our daughter suggested that I bought a small white board and wrote on it each day, no shopping today or shopping today at wherever we had to go. Although he is Dyslexic he can read small amounts of words. He panicked when during a memory test he was given a sheet of text and asked to read it and had to say that he couldn't do it. I know that compared to a lot of people on here that my problems are only mild and I wonder how things will be in a years time for instance.
Thank you to all you lovely people that replied to my post and gave a lot of helpful suggestions.
Today has been quite a good day and my husband seemed more like his old self. We went to a local shopping centre and into the Supermarket and another small shop and he was fine. He didn't keep asking if we needed something that we already had a lot of at home. He packs the shopping in the bag at the till while I pay and he sometimes jokes with the person at the till. I am sure that to some people they wouldn't believe that he has Altzheimers but of course it is the day to day living with that person. He can still actually make the tea if I ask him to do it while I am doing something else so I am going to have to get used to doing this and not expecting him to take the initiative.
Same with the washing up in the evening. I suggested this evening that we got it sorted out early because there was something due to start on the TV and it was sorted and I started the dishwasher (he has never been able to master anything with buttons)
With regard to help groups, there is a singing group just a walk away from us but he wouldn't join anything like that. He loves chatting to people, he often meets the same people when walking our dog. So if I could find some sort of Social group for tea and a chat then I think I could get him to go. As long as games weren't involved as he is Dyslexic and also hard of hearing. He refuses to have a hearing aid.
I look after his tablets now, he takes quite a few. He always got mixed up with the days and on a couple of occasions forgot to take them or in another instance took them in the evening and then again the next morning.
I had thought about having our main meal lunchtime but if we have to go shopping in the morning or have an appointment for something or other then it may not always be possible if it was going to take a while to cook. It may work some days.
He does get attendance allowance but I didn't know that we may be able to get a reduction in our council tax.
He used to ask me every morning what day it was and what the date was, sometimes several times. Then my daughter suggested that I bought a large radio controlled clock with the day, the date and the time on it. I bought one and put it on the wall where his armchair is and he actually looks at it and hasn't asked me since. Now of course it is "are we going shopping" so once again our daughter suggested that I bought a small white board and wrote on it each day, no shopping today or shopping today at wherever we had to go. Although he is Dyslexic he can read small amounts of words. He panicked when during a memory test he was given a sheet of text and asked to read it and had to say that he couldn't do it. I know that compared to a lot of people on here that my problems are only mild and I wonder how things will be in a years time for instance.
Sweetie, nobody can possibly predict how someone with Alzheimer's will be in a week's time, let alone a year. And if you read what someone has posted about their loved one's behaviour, who is further down the line, in years, than yours, it's just that. Their loved ones behaviour - it won't necessarily be anything like yours.
My husband had AD for a good few years, and then Aricept kept things on an even keel for several more years, and things didn't get any worse. Other people may have a different experience. Some people display AD traits for a short time, and are then diagnosed, whilst other seem to develop these characteristics over a much longer period. If you've seen one person with Alzheimer's, you've seen exactly that. One person.
I always advocate making as many lovely memories together, whilst you can, and then when the day comes when you can't do these things, you can still think of the happy times together that you shared.
Initial fear
My husband was disgnosed a few months ago with Picks disease. He is 64 and has other health issues. I just feel a general fear of what to expect for him. Finding it hard to accept.I keep asking could it be the brain scan has it wrong even though he struggles to get words out in a conversation. I cannot get around the word Fear at the moment. I am so scared for my husband. Does that soynd normal.
My husband was disgnosed a few months ago with Picks disease. He is 64 and has other health issues. I just feel a general fear of what to expect for him. Finding it hard to accept.I keep asking could it be the brain scan has it wrong even though he struggles to get words out in a conversation. I cannot get around the word Fear at the moment. I am so scared for my husband. Does that soynd normal.
Hi Dearny and a warm welcome from me to Talking Point.
The feelings you express are perfectly natural, and to be expected, and the word "fear" is a 4-letter one you never expected would figure so much in your life.Of course you are scared for your darling husband - who wouldn't be? We all fear the unknown, and when it is happening to someone you love, you feel helpless, frustrated and frightened. I know I did.
There are so many people here on TP, who will be able to relate to your fears, and will often come up with very helpful suggestions. Knowing that you're not alone, is so important, and I found, and still find TP invaluable.
I wish you well, and just want you to know you're not alone - we're all here for each other xxx
Good morning Desrny and welcome to TP. I'm sorry to hear about your husband but I'm glad you have found TP. When you're readyboerhaos you might find it helpful to start your own thread in the I Have A Partner with Dementia area of the forum.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/forumdisplay.php?69-I-have-a-partner-with-dementia
Thankyou for your kind words. Today my husband has had a letter saying he can no longer drive and must submit his license to DVLA. This was so heartbreaking. He feels so totally dependable of everyone. Ive hugged him and shared some tears this morning. He has mobility problems through 3 failed spinal operations. Ive tried to persuade him to buy a mobility scooter but at this present time he cannot comprehend doing such a thing. This Picks disease is going to be quite a challengeHi Dearny and a warm welcome from me to Talking Point.
Of course you are scared for your darling husband - who wouldn't be? We all fear the unknown, and when it is happening to someone you love, you feel helpless, frustrated and frightened. I know I did.
There are so many people here on TP, who will be able to relate to your fears, and will often come up with very helpful suggestions. Knowing that you're not alone, is so important, and I found, and still find TP invaluable.
I wish you well, and just want you to know you're not alone - we're all here for each other xxx
for us all. We have decided to stay strong . Take each challenge as it comes and hope for the best. Thankyou for your kind words. Just having someone who is on the same wavelength and understands is such a comfort. My heart bleeds for the sadness of all the sufferers and families who have to deal with this horrible disease. I am just going to make sure we have some very good days while we can. One being our youngest son gets married on 26tb May and already we have booked the hotel venue to stay overnight. I pray that he is well enough to really enjoy it like I am. Then hopefully in July a trip to Spain for a week will do us both good. If Dave cannot remember them at least I can look back and remember the good times. Wishing you well too and sending love to you all. Xx
