Sad but decided

[Alicenutter]

Hello all

i haven't posted for a while, so I'll do a brief update. Last Friday my husband, who has FTD, was sectioned by the police following an incident in a public place where he was seen to push me, twist my hand, grab my handbag etc. I won't go into the details, but it was by no means the first time he had assaulted me, and on this occasion I wasn't really hurt.

Since then he has been in a geriatric psychiatric unit nearby (we live in Western Massachusetts), and after some rest, and a lot of thought, I have told the social worker at the hospital that I would like him to go from there into a home. I have talked with our children, close family friends and close family members, and I have done a lot of thinking. I have also lived a week free of fear, for the first time in months, if not years. I have prayed and prayed, and yesterday morning I woke up with the phrase "I can't do this any more" on my lips. So I communicated my wish to the social worker and the doctor at the hospital where Joseph is. There is only dementia care home in the area that will accept people with challenging behaviours, and the social worker seemed to think that they would probably have room. We will be self-funding.

Joseph is desperate to get out of the hospital and I am sure it will take a while for him to settle down in a home, but this doesn't change anything. The doctor is on board with the idea of telling him that he needs to go somewhere to recuperate after his hospitalisation. so they can deflect the blame from me, somewhat.

My thoughts, which are jumbled but gradually sorting themselves out, are the following: I am not safe alone with Joseph. It would not be possible in good conscience to introduce a paid caregiver into this situation. Joseph is already more relaxed in the hospital setting because the daily challenges of life 'on the outside', which constantly frustrate him, are minimised. And I think, I hope, that a more structured environment, with more distraction than I alone can provide, could help him feel safe and more valuable.

Our children are very sad, but our son in particular is relieved that he will not longer have to worry about my safety. All the family and friends I have talked to are relieved as well.

So there we are. A new chapter. Gosh, I do miss him, but I started missing him a while ago. And the violence has been part of my life, our lives, for many, many years; it is only now that I am coming out and admitting it. The difference nowadays is that it doesn't happen in the context of an argument. Whereas in the past I would say I was often complicit - not victim-blaming, just being honest - now it can come out of the blue, and very fast.

Now I'll have more time to give support and tips, rather than just ask for them!

Love

 

[Cat27]

I'm glad you've come to a decision & feel peace about it. It's good that everyone is supporting you.
I hope a place is available quickly & that Joseph settles well.

 

[Red66]

Hi Alice, my Dad too was sectioned and it is so very hard dealing with that fact alone, but I hear your relief. Sadly these outbursts just get worse until something else unmanageable happens that you can't deal with it alone at home. I hope you feel this relief and that it doesn't eventually turn into grief for you, like it did for my Mum. 'I should have looked after him for longer, it's my fault'. Yeah right, it's her fault! She knows that's not a rational thought but I don't suppose she can help how she feels. You stay strong. Like I say to my Mum you have done the right thing, no doubt. I am glad too hear that your children are so supportive. I just want you to keep your head up and if that guilt monster comes you way, beat it off with a stick!! The situation will affect your health in the end, let's face it, it does when your not caring full time, it's so stressful. So if you carried on, who knows what would happen. Sending you hugs. Red xx

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[marionq]

I'm glad that the public stepped up to the plate and the police were called. Without witnesses you may have carried on for longer doing your health and well being no good at all. Best wishes for your future without fear and may your husband settle soon.

 

[LadyA]

Joseph is already more relaxed in the hospital setting because the daily challenges of life 'on the outside', which constantly frustrate him, are minimised. And I think, I hope, that a more structured environment, with more distraction than I alone can provide, could help him feel safe and more valuable.



Love

This is a very important part of your post Alicenutter. My husband eventually had to go to a nursing home because he refused to allow me to help with personal care, refused to wash, and was getting very aggressive with outbursts of violence when I had to change him, and with frustration against others too - I remember he hit a man in the supermarket with his walking stick one day, simply because the man happened to be standing in his way! (fortunately I had seen him raise the stick, and swiped at it with my purse, deflecting the full force, and the man was really nice and understanding!). However - once William went into a nursing home and settled in, he became much more settled. The aggression disappeared. He reverted to the sweet, gentle man he was. The uniformed, male carers never had any problems about personal care - he seemed to understand that they were there to help him. He ate and drank enough, took his meds with no problem from the uniformed nurse, and contentedly spent his time walking around the safe, wide, flat corridors, looking at the gardens, taking part in the activities and chatting to other residents. He thrived.

Hope things are settled quickly for you and your husband. You have done the right thing. xx

 

[cragmaid]

Alicenutter, this has been a huge result. I am so pleased that you will be safe in future. To live in fear is so wearing.

I do hope that the start of a New Year is going to bring you and your husband peace and a positive new lifestyle.
Best Wishes, Maureen.x

 

[Dazmum]

Alice, you have made exactly the right decision as you know your yourself. For me, the most important thing in your post is that when you say you have 'lived a week free from fear', and that everyone is relieved on your behalf. You really deserve that, Alice. It will not be easy, but keep that in mind and keep posting for support from us too. Hugs xxxx

 

[bumblefeet]

Alice,
This must have been a week of mixed feelings for you, but, rest assured, you have made the right decision, which is already borne out by the information that Joseph is more settled.
To live in fear must have been awful for you, and even though I don't know you, I'm relieved that you now don't have to do that anymore.

I hope that you all settle into your new life quickly and peacefully, and wish you a more settle future.
xx

 

[LizK]

Alice, you've done the right thing. I was in a similar position, and my husband had pushed me to the ground a few times. He certainly didn't improve in the nursing home, as he attacked the carers, punching them, and also hit a visitor. He had to be dosed with a sedative first thing to control his behaviour when carers were giving personal care and eventually after the visitor was hit he was put on an anti psychotic drug. That seems to have worked, although he does seem "out of it" a lot of the time. The plus side is that the agitation is better. I still see a look on his face occasionally that used to bode violence but he doesn't follow through anymore.

Liz

 

[LadyA]

Alice, you've done the right thing. I was in a similar position, and my husband had pushed me to the ground a few times. He certainly didn't improve in the nursing home, as he attacked the carers, punching them, and also hit a visitor. He had to be dosed with a sedative first thing to control his behaviour when carers were giving personal care and eventually after the visitor was hit he was put on an anti psychotic drug. That seems to have worked, although he does seem "out of it" a lot of the time. The plus side is that the agitation is better. I still see a look on his face occasionally that used to bode violence but he doesn't follow through anymore.

Liz

Glad they found something to help him, Liz. My husband was on anti-psychotics for over four years as well as other meds for extreme agitation and anxiety. They really helped him a lot, and he was lucky in that he suffered no side effects from them - not even drowsiness.

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[Slugsta]

It sounds as if you have made absolutely the right decision Alice - for both of you.

This doesn't mean that you don't care about your husband anymore, or that you no longer care for him. It just means you have recognised that you can no longer give that care yourself, so you have made sure he will go somewhere where he can be given the care he needs. And you can go back to being his wife.

No-one should have to live in fear, whether the perpetrator knows what they are doing or not.

I hope you have a sharp stick handy so that you can give the GM a good poke when it rears it's ugly head - you have no cause for guilt.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I think you have made the right decision, Alice. You have thought about it very carefully and fully. Things will be so much better for both of you from now on. Not to say you won't have ups and downs, you will of course. But at least you will not be under the thread of attack and will be able to regain your strength, both mental and physical.

 

[Amy in the US]

Alice, I'll reply more when I have a proper keyboard but wanted to post something. I do remember your other posts and am glad to see an update from you. I hope you are able to get some rest, and that the staff are being supportive of you.

My mother received excellent care when she was sectioned/in the Geriatric Psychiatric unit and I hope your experience is just as good.

Nothing about this is easy but I just want to say we are here to support you. You have done the right thing and although it will be challenging and upsetting at times, residential care could work out. It was the best option for my mother and she really thrived after her move to the care home. She benefited hugely from the structure, and release from trying to deal with an "everyday" life with which she could no longer cope.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[1mindy]

Oh Alice,this is going to be the start of a different life for you. No longer worrying when the next violent episode will start, It will not be all plain sailing and you will miss him,but now both you and he are safe which is just wonderful.
Bless you and your family at Christmas and wishing you all the very best for the new year.