Dementia and Divorce

[Dogwalker]

My wife of 32 years has always had moments of irrational and/or erratic behaviour [lots of anecdotes which are humorous when they don't matter, but add up to significant hardship when you're on the receiving end) and in small doses has been an attractive attribute. Life with her was full of surprises .
We bought a business and made a success of it primarily by lots of hard work (100 hour weeks, few holidays etc.) My wife was fully involved in the business (30+ hours).
The irrational behaviour became more frequent and started impacting on our relationship and the business. She sought solace away from work and from me - with her girl friends and her large family. I've subsequently heard that she frequently and consistently criticised me professionally and socially to mutual friends. A year ago she walked out on the business, the family home and our marriage and filed for divorce shortly afterwards. There are no and never have been any third parties.
She refuses to communicate with me other than via very expensive solicitors (65k to date!)
I have supported her in her desire to divorce me (e.g. not contesting it, paying for the divorce and making a very generous settlement offer enabling her to start a new life, me facing bankruptcy and committing to work until I'm 75!) despite not wanting a divorce/separation. Its the last thing I want - I still love her. During the divorce process her behaviour has become even more irrational [e.g. making false allegations which harm her and have cost both of us a fortune in refuting.]

Out of desperation I'm exploring the possibility of dementia/depression (no medical history) having a role in her deciding to leave me and file for divorce.

There is divorce lawyer in her family and I suspect she's receiving unofficial advice based on her misinformation about our finances, encouraging her to continue and exaggerate her irrational expectations.

If it is, is there anything I can do?

Our grown-up children don't want to take sides/get involved and as we have huge joint mortgages with very heavy penalties for early redemption she could bankrupt both of us.

I feel like a victim. Am I suffering from dementia by proxy?

 

[Sue J]

Hi Dogwalker and welcome to TP, I am one of the 57 who have read your post and not given you a reply I'm sorry and I am sorry for what you have been through and are going through and yes I think in answer to your question you could be suffering from dementia by proxy. I have had symptoms for 7 years now causing me to show behaviour that is quite out of the norm for me and terrifies me when some things I just cannot control, I do have insight though which is rare but terrifying at the same time. I hope you will receive some more replies and support. I'm sure you will.

Best wishes
Sue

 

[Cherryade]

You may be, but it will not make a difference. I am surprised your lawyer has not advised you against making a divorce provision that is so one sided and detrimental to yourself. Are you sure you should be so generous when it will have such an impact on you? I think a straight 50:50 would be more than adequate, Sorry I can be of no further help but I do think you need to look after yourself first. Regardless of the fact you still love her.

 

[cragmaid]

Sadly, even if Dementia is involved, you cannot do anything about your wife's mental health because you do not hold POA. I suggest that you engage a Divorce Lawyer ( or a new one if you already have one) because the advice you are being given, and the path you are following, appears extreme.

We are not solicitors, medics or therapists and so we can only advise where we feel advice would be useful.

You need proper legal advice from someone who is acting in your best interests, regardless of how much you love your estranged wife. Your bankruptcy will not help anyone.

 

[sue38]

There are many reasons why a person may act erratically or irrationally on the break up of a relationship (or be perceived to be so acting by the other party) and without further evidence I would say dementia as the cause would be pretty far down the list of possible causes.

Whilst I understand that your adult children don't want to take sides, you might ask them if they have any concerns about their mother's health. You might also want to have a look at some of the fact sheets on dementia, for example this one https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=106

 

[Possibilityman]

Possibilityman; I have a similar situation, my wife has behaved the way your wife behaved all through our relationship.
I am an expert builder, other builders ask me for advice. I am positive and brilliant at all sports, when I come home and talk about my achievements golf at the moment, their is no interest shown at all, however when my wife comes home and talks about her golf I listen, If i give her advise she gets upset and often angry with me.
Talking with other people this all sounds quite normal behaviour, however in the last two years her behaviour does not seems to be different.
A problem occurred and we were evicted from our home overnight by the court, my wife my wife immediately went into panic and would not take any notice of what I said to her, neither of us were at fault with the eviction this was dishonesty of our partners, we had no home to go to and lived in a caravan and all our possessions were put in storage.
My wife became mentally ill and suffered from complete loss of memory one day, however she recovered, she eventually went to the hospital for treatment. most of the time she acts normally however all of a sudden she will turn on me, today we were gardening and we went out to collect plants, I was working on one part of the garden and my wife on another through the day we were getting on fine, she asked me if i had finished what i was doing and i said yes it looks much better doesn't it? She said I would not have put those flowers in like that I would have done it differently and explained how she would have done it, I explained why i had done it that way, she said she had some plants to put in the bed and i said i wasn't going to put anymore plants in i was just going to mulch it, She immediately acted differently and said well i will through the plants in the bin then and she did, i said don't be like that if you want the plants in the bed then put them in, I carried on working and had not seen her for a while so i wondered where she had gone, her car was not there so she had just gone without saying anything, this has happened often in our relationship.
She returned later with her son, who had helped her bring a garden swing bed, she acted as though nothing had happened and i put the bed together and she planted the plants in the garden.
Our relationship has been very intimate and close, about two years ago she withdrew from the close relationship and we are now have a platonic relationship just friends, 3 months ago our relationship became intimate again, the intimacy lasted about two weeks and then she withdrew again. I did not know how to be with the change and decided to sleep in another room, she has said she prefers that and now wants to separate, she says she loves me put does not want to be in the relationship, when we go out she holds my hand and acts as if we are lovers, then we arrive home and the distance is there again, everything and i mean everything I do is wrong.
We had so much in common developing property and now we have very little in common, her moods switch from intimacy to aggression in seconds, I have laid awake thinking about the situation, today she has arranged golf with her friend and husband, we will go together and everything will be normal, she is acting as if their is no problem at all to the out side world, she has fallen out with her daughter in law and does not see the grandchildren, been nasty to her sisters at times, and it is always others that are wrong.
I am at the moment involved in high court to reposes our home and this takes a great deal of time, my wife will not help at all, in fact this relationship problem hinders my progress, this morning i woke up and thought i would investigate the possibility of an illness and so i found this site.
Her mother had the same symptoms, and eventually went in to a home, when i suggest things to her she gets upset blames me and stops the conversation.

It is very easy for me to just move on and forget the relationship all though i love my wife, however every time when she has decided to end the relationship, which has been often, i move on and she then apologises for her behaviour and wants the relationship back.
I know that she has mental problems from time to time can anyone shed some light on what to do.
Apologise for the length of this post

My wife of 32 years has always had moments of irrational and/or erratic behaviour [lots of anecdotes which are humorous when they don't matter, but add up to significant hardship when you're on the receiving end) and in small doses has been an attractive attribute. Life with her was full of surprises .
We bought a business and made a success of it primarily by lots of hard work (100 hour weeks, few holidays etc.) My wife was fully involved in the business (30+ hours).
The irrational behaviour became more frequent and started impacting on our relationship and the business. She sought solace away from work and from me - with her girl friends and her large family. I've subsequently heard that she frequently and consistently criticised me professionally and socially to mutual friends. A year ago she walked out on the business, the family home and our marriage and filed for divorce shortly afterwards. There are no and never have been any third parties.
She refuses to communicate with me other than via very expensive solicitors (65k to date!)
I have supported her in her desire to divorce me (e.g. not contesting it, paying for the divorce and making a very generous settlement offer enabling her to start a new life, me facing bankruptcy and committing to work until I'm 75!) despite not wanting a divorce/separation. Its the last thing I want - I still love her. During the divorce process her behaviour has become even more irrational [e.g. making false allegations which harm her and have cost both of us a fortune in refuting.]

Out of desperation I'm exploring the possibility of dementia/depression (no medical history) having a role in her deciding to leave me and file for divorce.

There is divorce lawyer in her family and I suspect she's receiving unofficial advice based on her misinformation about our finances, encouraging her to continue and exaggerate her irrational expectations.

If it is, is there anything I can do?

Our grown-up children don't want to take sides/get involved and as we have huge joint mortgages with very heavy penalties for early redemption she could bankrupt both of us.

I feel like a victim. Am I suffering from dementia by proxy?

 

[Possibilityman]

Just to add me wife is 70 and i am 75

Sadly, even if Dementia is involved, you cannot do anything about your wife's mental health because you do not hold POA. I suggest that you engage a Divorce Lawyer ( or a new one if you already have one) because the advice you are being given, and the path you are following, appears extreme.

We are not solicitors, medics or therapists and so we can only advise where we feel advice would be useful.

You need proper legal advice from someone who is acting in your best interests, regardless of how much you love your estranged wife. Your bankruptcy will not help anyone.

 

[canary]

As has been said before, there are several things that can cause this sort of behaviour and we are not doctors. Having said that though, there are several things that you have mentioned in your post that have sent up warning lights in my mind.
Have you seen this link? I dont know if it will help.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/downl...factsheet_what_is_frontotemporal_dementia.pdf