A tiny ray of hope
My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 5 1/2 years ago though I feel sure it started a few year's before that. We - or I - had planned to live separate lives when I retired, after what I would say was a very unhappy, fractious marriage (he was a bully and tyrant, I stayed for sake of children and then because he suffered from depression and became totally financially dependent on me so I felt it impossible to leave). When I retired 5 1/2 year's ago, I planned to travel, do my own thing and leave him to it, to carry on with his garden and vegetables which seemed to be the only things he really enjoyed, though I would continue to support him. However, Alzheimer's intervened and here I still am. He is now totally dependent, can't dress himself, shower, cook, drive, use phone, use tv, use the loo unescorted, eat without help, remembers nothing, except who I am (children and grandchildren when he sees them but has to be reminded), wants to " go home" , gets me up at least 5 times a night and thinks we had a perfect marriage when he thinks at all.
I tried "Crossroads" for a while a couple of year's ago when I was getting desperate. He refused to co-operate, was abusive and agressive and the stress was too much for me to cope with. I tried daycare. Absolutely impossible. He would have none of it. Two year's have gone by since then, unhappy and difficult years for me, unable to go out without him and that was difficult enough, never able to see my friends socially, giving up all my own activities, losing entirely my own life - I even considered suicide - or perhaps murder. (I'm having counseling now, it is helping a bit.)
BUT - I decided to have another go at daycare. His memory is now so bad that things are forgotten almost immediately. He is going one day a week. I don't know what he thinks of it but they say he is ok. He cries sometimes apparently and asks where I am, but can be distracted. He is exhausted when he comes home. But he forgets it in five minutes. I have someone from Crossroads come in again for 3 hours once a week. He is cross when the guy arrives, but they are watching television when I get back from my three hours of freedom. And I am paying someone privately to come in for 3 or 4 hours once a week, and though it all works out expensive, whilst I can manage it, it is a life saver. She has only been once, but I am keeping my fingers crossed. I feel a little that I am struggling free of the quagmire of depression and hopelessness I had got myself into.
It has taken a long time to reach this stage, and I don't know what the future will bring, but I feel a tiny chink of light in the awfulness of the last years, at least for the moment.
It is wonderful that so many of you are there with your man, or woman, because you love them dearly and have done for a lifetime, and are glad to help even if it is hard work, but I have to say I think it is very much harder when the affection of 50 year's ago has been driven out of you over the last 40 years, but you are still here because you have a sense of duty and feel you must stay, but there is no love. I try very hard not to let that show, and my husband, in moments of clarity, thinks all was wine and roses.
But don't give up on respite, daycare etc, Alzheimer's is a progressive disease and there will come a day when your other half's resistance to outside help will break down.
