Worried....

[Westfield]

I am concerned that my wife is starting to have 'problems' with memory etc.

I think it would be classified as MCI at present, but I'm worried as her mother developed full Alzheimer symptoms in her 80's ( she once recognised me, but couldn't name her two daughters). My mother also had dementia, but not too bad and was very physically frail as well.

My wife seems to get increasingly confused about words, repeats questions to me (several times, about trivial things like meal decisions), often appears distracted, often doesn't appear to have listened to what I have said. She also appears to have problems grasping anything out of the ordinary, new apps on her tablet, how to use her phone (she seems to forget). She is 67, we have been married for 36 years. She is quite irritable much of the time and very forgetful generally. She does suffer menopause symptoms, but I think this is only partly to blame.

I know if I suggest visiting the doctor we will have a big row, but I'm starting to get rather tired. Both my parent have passed in the last four years, my father with a horrible cancer, my mother basically just gave out. I'm hurting inside, I love my wife to bits but I'm struggling.

When should I bite the bullet and suggest the doc? Should I get our lovely children to make a decision on how she is?(they both live away from home and have their own lives to lead).

Help! Please!

 

[Beetroot]

You can't force her, but you can have a word with your Gp and tell him what's been happening. If he is willing to join a little deception, maybe he could invite your wife in for "a routine health check they offer to ladies of her age". While there, he could give her a standard memory/cognitive test and leave him to take matters from there if he feels it necessary. He may also do a blood test to see if that shows any reason why she might be as she is, such as, I think, a test for vitimin B levels.

The irritablity may be coming from a feeling of losing control - my gentle complaint mum got irritable before she was diagnosed - wasn't coping and didn't want to admit it.

It's tough. I'm sorry you have this on top of your parents' deaths.

 

[AL60]

Hi, I'm in full agreement with beetroot on this. There certainly seems to be a common theme of either denial or just stubbornness possibly even fear when it comes to getting our oh's to admit there may be a problem . It happened to me a year ago. I made an appointment for myself to discuss the memory and confusion problems my wife had been having I also took my youngest daughter, then aged 20, she had also noticed changes. The dr suggested a letter inviting her to a well woman clinic. Initially she ignored it but eventually I persuaded her to make an appointment on account of her dramatic weight loss. At least the letter made it easier to bring up the subject .so have a talk with the dr, he/she may have some suggestions. It is difficult , I know but don't give up. It's easy for me to say, but I too can remember the months of frustration trying to get her to the Dr's Al

 

[Westfield]

Thanks..

Thanks for the feedback, I will leave it until I can speak to the kids, and also try to keep a discrete record of 'events'.

We had another event today where she accused me of siphoning some money out of our accounts - she couldn't get her head round where the money was sitting, and how to read my spreadsheet (which have been using for several years - this is the first time she has had a problem with it). All the money is there, I haven't squirrelled any away!

In the past she forgot to allow enough money in the account for a regular bill - she decided a few years ago that she would keep the accounts. I know keep a close eye on things.

 

[wywat1]

What next?

I've read the recent comments from those worried about a partners memory loss. My wife has been gradually displaying all the symptoms described: forgetting what's just been discussed, repeating the same question several times, forgetting how to spell etc. So I'm fairly convinced of the diagnosis.
I know she will not discuss the subject or consult a Doctor. Indeed if she did and was diagnosed with say early on set dementia I doubt her mood would be improved. And this is the dilemma. I can use a little deception and get her to the doctor but in the near term would a devastating diagnosis help her?? If it were me (and my memory is fading) then I would rather know so I could attempt to organise my decline. I don't think my wife would see it this way.

 

[Westfield]

Same here..

It is a dilemma isn't it!

I'm keeping discrete notes now, and will talk to the children before involving the Doc.

 

[nools]

I've read the recent comments from those worried about a partners memory loss. My wife has been gradually displaying all the symptoms described: forgetting what's just been discussed, repeating the same question several times, forgetting how to spell etc. So I'm fairly convinced of the diagnosis.
I know she will not discuss the subject or consult a Doctor. Indeed if she did and was diagnosed with say early on set dementia I doubt her mood would be improved. And this is the dilemma. I can use a little deception and get her to the doctor but in the near term would a devastating diagnosis help her?? If it were me (and my memory is fading) then I would rather know so I could attempt to organise my decline. I don't think my wife would see it this way.

This brings it back to me as my Mum shrugged it off when I suggested her memory was declining (she was 66 then)and I knew she wouldn't go to the GP with me. I don't live that near to my Mum either so in the end I wrote a letter to her GP explaining my concerns. She called me a few days later which was such a relief and said she was pleased I had got in touch with her. Mum had been making appointments about different complaints and her doctor thought something was strange - it must have been her way of getting medical attention. Apparently the confidentiality issue does not apply when a relative has concerns regarding a patient's memory so one way to be referred to the memory clinic as we then were could be through a letter/email to her GP? My mum is very proud and still doesn't accept there is anything wrong with her so we don't acknowledge that there is now as it would only upset her. We have to be deceptive a lot of the time in order to access help she needs eg tell her its a routine health check she is going to. My Dad has even had the doctor's receptionist ring Mum to tell her she has an appointment as he knows she will be angry at him for intervening in her life if she thinks he is involved!

 

[Westfield]

No progress..

No decision about involving the doc., but we are having a few days away and she has been very agitated about packing etc... it is only 3 nights in the UK!

On top of this I have been diagnosed with a eye condition which may mean my driving years are reaching an end.

Sorry to whinge!

 

[Beetroot]

The agitation may well be coming from losing her ability to organise things. It may help if you pack together to give her some subtle guidance. While away, the newness of everything will also add to confusion, so take things slowly and gently. I'm sorry about your eye diagnosis - it's very worrying on top of everything else you have to cope with.