Help, advice on what to do for mum

[topmark5]

Help and advice please,

My mother lived alone til recently, I have recently separated and partly due to me spending so much time at my mothers, this also making me a miserable irritable sod affected my marriage so much that wife left. now im living with 80 yr old mother who 50% of the time is driving me absolutely nuts. I go to work each day at 8am and get back around 6.30, I have arranged for a lady to come in each day while i am at work and check on mum, make sure she has things to eat and to sit and chat for a couple of hours, my brother pops up every other day and a couple of other people pop in to see mum each week, however i have from 12 - 69 calls every day from my mother saying she dos`nt live here and wants to be taken home (from what she says she wants to go to her grans house) every ten mins while i am home with her she thinks she is somewhere else and i explain the whole situation every ten mins - i feel i am losing my mind too - how do others cope ? please help me - what else can i do or should she go into a home?

 

[Bod]

Hi & welcome.
I'm afraid your in a fairly normal situation, with your mother, as many here will know.
http://w.ocagingservicescollaborati...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.
This link may help you.

Bod

 

[Amy]

Hiya Bod ,
Would you repost the link...it doesn't seem to work.

Thanks

Amy

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Amy
here's a link to the Compassionate Communication thread
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?30801-Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[Shedrech]

Hi topmark5
welcome to TP
things sound pretty challenging for you and your mum right now

I hope the compassionate communication is of help - it's not going to work in every situation; it has certainly helped me in approaching my dad more positively
try finding something neutral you can say to your mum at times, so she knows you are listening but you don't engage with her constantly - I found with dad that explaining and arguing got me nowhere, in fact just made things worse as he would get more anxious and couldn't let the topic drop - distractions might work eg we're OK here for now aren't we; how about a cuppa and biscuit or shall we watch that TV programme you love or ... whatever your mum enjoys

sadly a lot of people with dementia (PWD) want to 'go home' and it's often an ideal place they felt safe (and without the dementia) so can be their childhood home - maybe say it's too cold/dark to go now but you'll sort things out in the morning; tell your mum she's staying with you for a few days while her family are away looking after a sick relative ... or something she would accept

you have got a lot of support in place for your mum - your work hours take you out of the house for a lot of the day, and changing mindsets when you get home will be tricky
have you contacted your Local Authority's Adult Services for an assessment of your mum's care needs? it may be that some day care would help to keep her occupied and safe during the day; maybe a sitter at home; maybe some respite to give you a break

is there any way you could not answer your mum's calls if you know someone is with her? - maybe let the calls go to answerphone and just check in a few times a day?

best wishes