Mum has vascular dementia and Alzheimer's she's 91, dads 96 all his faculties but very frail living in their own 3 bed house. Dads stubborn won't have any help except carer helping mum get up this means my sister and myself take it in turns to do lunch and cook a meal each day. I feel were not giving mum the attention she needs as we are always doing something in the house, and tried to broach the subject yesterday while sister and husband were also at house. My sister and myself have not spoken for many years and to this day don't know why. The reaction from my sister in front of our parents was totally upsetting for them but it seems sister likes to get attention accusing me and husband of various very petty things. It's difficult enough each day as I'm disabled and partially sighted, I wondered how others deal with sibling animosity.
Help please any one else dealing with sibling animosity?
- Thread starter Nanof4
- Start date
I care for my mother aged 90 who lives with me. I havent spoken or seen my sister in 7 years since she stole thousands from my mothers account.
I have a v good friend and her 3 siblings don't speak to her.
It is extremely common for famlies to fall out when somebody has dementia.
Sorry i dont have anything magical tomsay but you are certainly not alone.
Sending hugs xxxxx
I have a v good friend and her 3 siblings don't speak to her.
It is extremely common for famlies to fall out when somebody has dementia.
Sorry i dont have anything magical tomsay but you are certainly not alone.
Sending hugs xxxxx
Hi Nanof4
oh you've touched a nerve for me
sadly, I recognise a lot of what you've written - and there are others on TP who don't have the best of sibling relationships
there was a moment when my sibling had a right go when dad was around, which upset him greatly, so I left for them to calm down only to be shouted back to deal with dad while sibling sat on the settee with a book and even said to him 'you'd probably prefer (me) to be here anyway' - I do know what the problem is and it can't be solved as sibling is too invested in it to acknowledge it
so we don't speak - though we each take a day to visit dad who's now living in a care home, so he has one of us visit pretty much every day - and I know the sibling has his best interests at heart - it's sad - I am though a lot calmer in myself getting on with my life
I appreciate what you say about being with your mum but so busy that there's little time to be engaged with her - I was like that while dad was at home - I do think dad just liked me being there, though and wasn't expecting me to entertain him all the time - we went out for a coffee and short walk each day and loved watching TV or playing dominoes together - so, looking back I don't actually believe dad was neglected
I did have carers come in to help, in the morning and evening to get him up and then ready for bed and he did go to a day centre 2 days a week - do you think your dad would accept that for your mum? - do you need to get a bit tough with him and say it's becoming hard for you to do so much and YOU could do with the help (my dad would accept a lot like this from me; not so much from my mum); then you could give your mum a bit more attention? - maybe even point out that if you get ill yourself, you'll all be up the creek without a paddle and that you're worried about that
sorry no wisdom to impart - just best wishes for you all
oh you've touched a nerve for me
sadly, I recognise a lot of what you've written - and there are others on TP who don't have the best of sibling relationships
there was a moment when my sibling had a right go when dad was around, which upset him greatly, so I left for them to calm down only to be shouted back to deal with dad while sibling sat on the settee with a book and even said to him 'you'd probably prefer (me) to be here anyway' - I do know what the problem is and it can't be solved as sibling is too invested in it to acknowledge it
so we don't speak - though we each take a day to visit dad who's now living in a care home, so he has one of us visit pretty much every day - and I know the sibling has his best interests at heart - it's sad - I am though a lot calmer in myself getting on with my life
I appreciate what you say about being with your mum but so busy that there's little time to be engaged with her - I was like that while dad was at home - I do think dad just liked me being there, though and wasn't expecting me to entertain him all the time - we went out for a coffee and short walk each day and loved watching TV or playing dominoes together - so, looking back I don't actually believe dad was neglected
I did have carers come in to help, in the morning and evening to get him up and then ready for bed and he did go to a day centre 2 days a week - do you think your dad would accept that for your mum? - do you need to get a bit tough with him and say it's becoming hard for you to do so much and YOU could do with the help (my dad would accept a lot like this from me; not so much from my mum); then you could give your mum a bit more attention? - maybe even point out that if you get ill yourself, you'll all be up the creek without a paddle and that you're worried about that
sorry no wisdom to impart - just best wishes for you all
I have not seen my brother for many years, long before our mum had dementia. He was always mum's favourite, getting money and presents, her excuse being that he needed help as had learning difficulties like her and could not cope with life.
She used to virtually ignore me as I could look after myself and went to Grammar school and made a good career.
I refused to lend him mum's money under POA and he has refused to talk to me or even see mum since. She can recognise his photo and still thinks he's wonderful and does everything for her, and shouts at me when she remembers who I am.
When she dies he will cry all through her funeral, then demand his share of her money same day.
She used to virtually ignore me as I could look after myself and went to Grammar school and made a good career.
I refused to lend him mum's money under POA and he has refused to talk to me or even see mum since. She can recognise his photo and still thinks he's wonderful and does everything for her, and shouts at me when she remembers who I am.
When she dies he will cry all through her funeral, then demand his share of her money same day.
Oh my, definitely yes and some. I literally could write a book! My sister has been extremely unpleasant to me, undermining me, accusing me of neglecting our parents (when I have been their main carer). As if having 2 parents with AD was not enough, I have felt quite emotionally battered! Sorry you are having to deal with this too. As others have pointed out, it seems very common and a source of great stress and sadness. I have found trying to focus attention on my folks rather than the negativity of my sister is the best way, but that's easier said than done (she lives a distance away so I don't have to see her often which helps). Hope you are able to find a way forward. Best wishes. Gx
Oh gosh, yes, siblings!
In my case, sisters-in-law. TWO of them that drive me bonkers, for very different reasons. One, whom I've nicknamed AIDSIL (angry, in-denial sister-in-law) insists everything is fine, when clearly it is not, habitually acts first and thinks later, refusing to see the consequences of her actions. The second, nicknamed PECSIL (patronising, evil, conniving S-i-L) knows everything about everything and will not listen to reason.
Without going into details, AIDSIL is full of mad ideas, which usually involve trying to create a "normal" life experience for M-i-L (parties, pets, pampering...you get the idea). M-i-L has virtually no short term memory, and is now a permanent resident in a care home, so these experiences are largely wasted on her. Plus, the care home do an excellent job of keeping her busy and entertained in far more appropriate ways. In the past, I have only reluctantly gone along with AIDSIL's mad ideas just to keep the peace, but have learned the hard way that, sometimes, it's best to step back and not to get involved. So when the latest mad idea failed spectacularly (as I knew it would), I felt a certain schadenfreude when she complained to me that "the responsibility for [the idea] is ALL ON MY SHOULDERS!" (i.e. WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?!) "Awww", I said, "that's terrible!", spoken without feeling a single shred of guilt!
PECSIL thinks it's OK to override everyone's thoughts and feelings and just do what SHE wants. She has taken it upon herself to liaise directly with the local council over M-i-L's financial assessment, even though there are 2 perfectly capable PoA holders who could have done the job (and she is NOT one of them). She believes she can hide certain facts and that they won't come to light. Again, I have stepped right away, so I don't know the details, but I do know that the council are investigating. It's her signature on the form, so she must take responsibility for her actions, is all I can say about that.
So, my way of coping with siblings is to stay as uninvolved with them as I can manage to. That probably makes me an "invisible" now, at least in AIDSIL's eyes! That's not to say I don't care. I visit M-i-L regularly, and support my OH with various tasks. I do a heck of a lot less than I used to do when M-i-L lived in her own home, for sure, but I reckon I've done, and am doing enough now.
Oh, and by the way, PECSIL gets very irritated with AIDSIL's antics, and AIDSIL can't bear PECSIL's control-freakery, so it's not just me!
In my case, sisters-in-law. TWO of them that drive me bonkers, for very different reasons. One, whom I've nicknamed AIDSIL (angry, in-denial sister-in-law) insists everything is fine, when clearly it is not, habitually acts first and thinks later, refusing to see the consequences of her actions. The second, nicknamed PECSIL (patronising, evil, conniving S-i-L) knows everything about everything and will not listen to reason.
Without going into details, AIDSIL is full of mad ideas, which usually involve trying to create a "normal" life experience for M-i-L (parties, pets, pampering...you get the idea). M-i-L has virtually no short term memory, and is now a permanent resident in a care home, so these experiences are largely wasted on her. Plus, the care home do an excellent job of keeping her busy and entertained in far more appropriate ways. In the past, I have only reluctantly gone along with AIDSIL's mad ideas just to keep the peace, but have learned the hard way that, sometimes, it's best to step back and not to get involved. So when the latest mad idea failed spectacularly (as I knew it would), I felt a certain schadenfreude when she complained to me that "the responsibility for [the idea] is ALL ON MY SHOULDERS!" (i.e. WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?!) "Awww", I said, "that's terrible!", spoken without feeling a single shred of guilt!
PECSIL thinks it's OK to override everyone's thoughts and feelings and just do what SHE wants. She has taken it upon herself to liaise directly with the local council over M-i-L's financial assessment, even though there are 2 perfectly capable PoA holders who could have done the job (and she is NOT one of them). She believes she can hide certain facts and that they won't come to light. Again, I have stepped right away, so I don't know the details, but I do know that the council are investigating. It's her signature on the form, so she must take responsibility for her actions, is all I can say about that.
So, my way of coping with siblings is to stay as uninvolved with them as I can manage to. That probably makes me an "invisible" now, at least in AIDSIL's eyes!
That's not to say I don't care. I visit M-i-L regularly, and support my OH with various tasks. I do a heck of a lot less than I used to do when M-i-L lived in her own home, for sure, but I reckon I've done, and am doing enough now.Oh, and by the way, PECSIL gets very irritated with AIDSIL's antics, and AIDSIL can't bear PECSIL's control-freakery, so it's not just me!
Oh gosh, yes, siblings!
In my case, sisters-in-law. TWO of them that drive me bonkers, for very different reasons. One, whom I've nicknamed AIDSIL (angry, in-denial sister-in-law) insists everything is fine, when clearly it is not, habitually acts first and thinks later, refusing to see the consequences of her actions. The second, nicknamed PECSIL (patronising, evil, conniving S-i-L) knows everything about everything and will not listen to reason.
Without going into details, AIDSIL is full of mad ideas, which usually involve trying to create a "normal" life experience for M-i-L (parties, pets, pampering...you get the idea). M-i-L has virtually no short term memory, and is now a permanent resident in a care home, so these experiences are largely wasted on her. Plus, the care home do an excellent job of keeping her busy and entertained in far more appropriate ways. In the past, I have only reluctantly gone along with AIDSIL's mad ideas just to keep the peace, but have learned the hard way that, sometimes, it's best to step back and not to get involved. So when the latest mad idea failed spectacularly (as I knew it would), I felt a certain schadenfreude when she complained to me that "the responsibility for [the idea] is ALL ON MY SHOULDERS!" (i.e. WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?!) "Awww", I said, "that's terrible!", spoken without feeling a single shred of guilt!
PECSIL thinks it's OK to override everyone's thoughts and feelings and just do what SHE wants. She has taken it upon herself to liaise directly with the local council over M-i-L's financial assessment, even though there are 2 perfectly capable PoA holders who could have done the job (and she is NOT one of them). She believes she can hide certain facts and that they won't come to light. Again, I have stepped right away, so I don't know the details, but I do know that the council are investigating. It's her signature on the form, so she must take responsibility for her actions, is all I can say about that.
So, my way of coping with siblings is to stay as uninvolved with them as I can manage to. That probably makes me an "invisible" now, at least in AIDSIL's eyes!
Oh, and by the way, PECSIL gets very irritated with AIDSIL's antics, and AIDSIL can't bear PECSIL's control-freakery, so it's not just me!
You raised a smile again with your names. In my case my sibling SCUMSIS remains true to form - self centred, unpleasant, manipulative, spiteful, ignorant sister! Gx
Sibling animosity
Thank you all a million times over for your reassurance understanding and humour you've assured me I'm not alone on this awful path.
It's unfortunate that as our whole families live in such close proximity (walking distance although mobility scooter for me lol) we cross paths almost daily which doesn't help.
I honestly appreciate all of your comments as I was feeling very alone, best wishes and hugs to you all, please post soon xx
Thank you all a million times over for your reassurance understanding and humour you've assured me I'm not alone on this awful path.
It's unfortunate that as our whole families live in such close proximity (walking distance although mobility scooter for me lol) we cross paths almost daily which doesn't help.
I honestly appreciate all of your comments as I was feeling very alone, best wishes and hugs to you all, please post soon xx
Aaaah, Nanof4, that's what TP is for! Georgina and I have amused ourselves in earlier posts by inventing acronyms to describe our less pleasant relatives! (SCUMSIS! Hilarious!
)One of the great things about TP is that it allows you to vent your frustrations in a safe way. Maybe you could think of a wicked name or two for your sister and share it with us here? We won't tell!
By the way, I also have a FARTIBIL - FAR Too Important Brother-in-Law. You guessed right - he's far too busy with his important job to help out...ever!
Aaaah, Nanof4, that's what TP is for! Georgina and I have amused ourselves in earlier posts by inventing acronyms to describe our less pleasant relatives! (SCUMSIS! Hilarious!
One of the great things about TP is that it allows you to vent your frustrations in a safe way. Maybe you could think of a wicked name or two for your sister and share it with us here? We won't tell!
Too true! We all feel better for a vent and appreciate a good laugh now and again! I'm just picturing them all together. Hideous but strangely satisfying.......Gx
Don't even go there. Mine is taking me and my brother to Court because we, as our Mum's attorneys, won't let sibling have Mum's house.
I totally understand were u are coning from i do not talk to my sister at all a lot has gone on i gave my life up to look after my dad and she is a horrible in every sense ive tried been the bigger person and done what is best for my dad but ive now had enough i think what im trying to say is just carry on doing what u are doing your sister will never ever change but u are you be proud of who you are and dont let her bring u down to her level big hig hugs to u and so much admiration that you are doing what ypu are doing with ypur disability lots of love nurses 8874
